💾 Archived View for jacksonchen666.com › posts › 2023-12-31 › 23-27-14 › index.gmi captured on 2024-02-05 at 09:34:42. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
2023-12-31 23:27:14Z
WARNING: If you expected a computer related post or an introduction of me, this post is neither. Instead, this is a very recent experience I just had and wanted to just write about for some reason.
So I sit down at my computer, and start doing random stuff (as usual). I check my RSS feeds, and I notice one of my feed being from koshka.love. Of course, out of curiosity (and because I forgot about what it was again), I navigate to it and them got myself into the autism acceptance rabbit hole again.
As I keep reading- wait no, scrambling and solving my rubiks cube while listening to breakcore music from hkmori] and simultaneously having Firefox (actually LibreWolf) reader view read out the words in a post, I listen to the words being said. Maybe understanding some of the sentences, or maybe just forgetting it and leaving it somewhere in my brain.
Then I have to go to the bathroom to do bathroom stuff. So I pause the reader view from reading by pressing N, press the pause button for the music, and finally move my mouse cursor to the bottom left to activate the screen saver and lock my computer. Then I head to the bathroom.
And then I am reminded of my existence.
I am a brain trapped in a human body. I am also using different senses to navigate and stuff like that, limbs to interact with things. You know, stuff like a normal human does and has.
Turns out, I am not a faceless entity that is infinitely thin in all dimensions. I am me. Myself. Bigger than nothing.
However, during all that reading and stimming, I was just am. I am. No "me", I just am. Not in terms of time, I was just... being. And ingesting all the words and sentences from those posts.
Also, I have a face. That shouldn't be much of a surprise, but what kind of is a surprise is that I avoid eye contact with myself in mirrors or at all. I don't like looking at me, and that avoidance is done subconsciously.
Right now, I am staring at a thing called a "monitor". It is basically the computer screen. The screen itself also blurs any reflection, so any (subconscious) attempts to use the monitor and reflections to see my face will inevitably fail, since it's so blurry you cannot make details out of it.
That's great, because then I don't have to be reminded of my face. Although that applies to the external monitor that I have. In the case of the internal display of the computer, it does not blur reflections or anything really. So I can indeed try and see myself, and I would be able to succeed.
Speaking of my face, why do I not like it?
Well, I have no idea. Maybe I don't want to be look like that gender or look like that type of people or whatever. Maybe I am reminded of something I cannot recall, except for my subconscious.
And I'm now here writing a post about realizing my existence (after having a brief pause on "escapism") and why I just don't really like my face. And the conclusion is: I don't understand why either.