💾 Archived View for evilswampmonster.flounder.online › journal2024.gmi captured on 2024-02-05 at 09:12:25. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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✫ 2/2/2024
i told my family that im going out of town late this week and early next week but really im just with my boyfriend :) today i feel better than i have been earlier this week. between my jobs and my classes ive kind of been on autopilot, but going to a party tonight and making plans to go out to breakfast at one of my favorite spots tomorrow is breaking me out of it.
i don't remember how much ive talked about this on here but having a family member who abuses a substance is so interesting (in a sad way, obviously). like when they're in active addiction it can just put you in survival mode for a really long time and then when they stop, your whole body just shuts down. ive been dealing with that this week. i feel like im still defrosting a little.
✫ 2/1/2024
have been a bit depressed these past few days. my boss was really unnecessarily mean in our work group chat about a couple of minor things to the point that my coworkers were texting me and saying that it was unfair and they were sorry. other small bad things have been happening too. when i get overwhelmed or depressed i get really bad at texting people back, which is something i need to get better at.
✫ 1/31/2024
lately ive been having a lot of dreams where im incredibly angry. last night i had a dream that i was at a boarding school with a girl who was kinda mean to me in middle school and i was soooo mad at her. the internet says that angry dreams could be a result of uneven brain function between the left and right hemispheres...don't like that! the internet also says that it could be repressed feelings. marginally better
✫ 1/29/2024
have been trying to not have a coughing fit in class for 19 minutes now. theres an hour and a half left in class. i will cough so much in the car on the way home as a fun little treat
✫ 1/28/2024
someone close to me in a bad living situation told me that when she's stressed and needs to go to sleep, she pictures a warm, safe, calm apartment. that to her is an ideal out of her reach. and that broke my heart into a thousand pieces. i want to protect her from every bad thing.
i think the most that one person can feel at peace is when you're standing next to a big warm animal, like a horse or a cow or a sheep. when i get old and stop wanting to go to parties ill move to the countryside and have a big house and two cows. and all the people i love will come see me and my cows whenever they want.
✫ 1/25/2024
my bf and i are both sick *again.* this is the fourth time i've been sick in like 2 months. it's getting to the point where I feel like i should go to the doctor to see if im immunocompromised. idk though, my mom's side of the family is pretty much all teachers and they say that the first year you teach you get *everything,* so maybe i'm getting that by working food/customer service? either way it sucks
update: we have Flu. based on symptom trajectory i think im on day 3 of having Flu and nate is on day 1
to cope with Flu we will get high and watch dirty dancing. if i have to miss my weekend plans because of Flu I will burn down the whole world btw
if anyone knows any good ramen places then please @ me. the broth sounds like it will be nourishing & i need something more hearty than soup
✫ 1/23/2024
im taking an lgbtq issues in counseling class this semester and i love it so far. my prof is a really cool older butch and she's really focused on us learning about historical queer legislation & communities. like for example, last week we talked about the fact that queer men had more access to community (even though it was (& in a lot of places, still is) not accepted) because they had more financial freedom, but historical lesbians had to have more underground communities because their sexuality was more clearly tied to their livelihoods. i also took a multiculturalism class last semester & our professor talked very openly about being anti-capitalist which was cool. not to be corny but i get rlly discouraged about the institution of counseling for a lot of reasons but there's a lot to be hopeful about <3
✫ 1/14/2024
i feel like im at my best when the weather is warm but i will say that working at the coffee shop when it's snowy and bright outside is nice. i just can't stand the gray weather. driving in the snow makes me nervous as hell though. i think my car accident was not the best for my driving anxiety :/
my semester starts this week which means my other job is starting up again as well. ive been slightly dreading it. i don't have to deal with my evil research advisor this semester which is awesome but im still losing a lot of the free time i had over break. im very ready to be done with school, though this semester should be better than last semester. i got into the LGBTQ issues in counseling i wanted to take :P
started reading "the beauty myth" but then stopped because the author compared plastic surgery to slave owners mutilating enslaved peoples' bodies. kind of gross to me to compare the institution of slavery to rich women getting face lifts! so yea im done with that one
someone stole the package with my birth control in it. i love everything
✫ 1/10/2024
i feel like ive been running on like...autopilot i guess? i go to work i go see nate i go to sleep. the weather is zapping all my energy
it's that time again (reread wild geese by mary oliver and cried a little)
✫ 1/8/2024
ive been reading more in the past week than i have been in a long time. may consider starting a book club bc i have so many thoughts about what im reading
high watching the sandlot, thinking about the scene in fleabag when fleabag says "i want someone to tell me how to think, what to wear..." & how benny told scotty to wear jeans and a t shirt the next day. very small thing but i think that women & feminine-presenting ppl can crave that directness that men & masculine-presenting friendships can have. idk man
✫ 1/3/2024 2
a coworker recommended a book to me that i subsequently blew through in 3 days and it's making me roll around my childhood in my hand like a sweetgum ball. a small voice is asking me if i would i be a better, kinder person if things had been different.
i need to get out of my childhood bedroom so badly. it's like im getting radiation poisoning
✫ 1/3/2024
at the cafe today i was checking the internal temperature of the tamales and i was like "im going to check the internal temperature of the tamales" in a very nerd emoji finger pointed up emoji kinda way. i didn't even mean it as a joke but the way i said it made my coworker and me both laugh. so now every time i do something im like "im checking the internal temperature of the tamales." now that i write it out it's really not that interesting but i dont want to delete it. so here it is
✫ 1/1/2024
i think my offical new years resolution is to get more comfortable with gray areas and uncertainty. and to smoke more weed and make more art