💾 Archived View for alioop.flounder.online › motherhood › 5months.gmi captured on 2023-12-28 at 15:22:04. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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it’s happening faster now
her hair is longer
though still fuzzy and defying gravity
her smiles and squeals bigger
passing toys from hand to hand
legs up, grabbing feet
louder voice
growls and fake coughs and yells
yeah yeah yeahs
lilting sing song
raspberries, wet and buzzing
it’s happening faster now
she can roll over both ways
but they are few and far between enough
that it’s exciting when it happens
she is even picking up her binky
and putting it in her mouth
if she can angle it right
she stands on her toes
in the activity table
and throws her arms down
hands splatting on the toy piano
with happy squeals
spinning the hedgehog and wheel with purpose
my big girl
playing peekaboo with that owl
that’s hiding in the bright orange stump
she likes when i fast-kiss her soft cheeks
and blow raspberries on her neck and tummy
and sniff soft bunny-sniffs in her ears
like my dad did with me
so that when i look back up at her she is smiling big and tickled
she likes watching her daddy play guitar
like his dad did with him
turning her head whenever she hears music
smiling at all his funny faces
grabbing his glasses and nose
and mustache
looking for his voice when he walks in the room
“i like spending time with youuu!”
her eyes have gotten darker and brighter
deeper and more twinkly
framed by the longest most beautiful lashes
so that even passersby have stopped and exclaimed,
“such big bright eyes!”
it’s funny
when i look in the mirror
my own eyes
a light blue
my formerly favorite feature
now seem too watery and anemic
compared to hers
rich and brown
i fall more and more in love with them each time
and each time i look into them
i feel that
that’s what eyes should look like
maybe that’s why mine seem wrong
it’s happening faster now
we have her sleeping in her own room
still in the bassinet
so that our tossing and turning doesn’t wake her
and her every little movement doesn’t wake us
(me)
so now when the monitor howls
i sit up in bed, throwing off my blankets
i unplug my phone in the dark
slip on my slippers with my eyes half open
quietly open and close our door
so as not to let the cats in or wake the husband
pad down the hall
and enter her room just as carefully
turn the dial up on the salt lamp so that
i can see her little face
pluck her from the bassinet
and feed her in the recliner
rocking
rocking
rocking
as she gulps
gulps
gulps
until the suction slows and she falls asleep
and i place her back in the bassinet
with a kiss on her forehead
and quietly leave the room again
but one night recently
she woke up at 3:00am
and was not crying
but talking to herself
that calming “ahhh…” like a sigh
over and over
i went to her room and she looked at me
with her big beautiful eyes
it had been long enough since she’d eaten
and i supposed she would have a hard time falling back asleep hungry
so i fed her
and in the middle of eating
she stopped and looked up at me
blinking, focusing in the dark
and smiled at me
a gummy, crinkle-eyed smile
like she realized who i was
and i smiled back at her
and whispered to her to keep eating
and she did
and when she finished she was unusually awake
i placed her back in the bassinet
still awake
still wide-eyed
but calm,
hands to her mouth,
chewing on her binky
and i kissed her forehead and said night-night
and went back to my own room.
on the monitor i watched her turn her head side to side
moving her hand back and forth on the side of the bassinet
like she does when i rock her to sleep—
gently pulling at my hair
and tugging at my sweater
and soon enough
she smushed her face against the mesh and fell asleep on her own
my big girl
and she does this every now and then
falling asleep on her own
i am so proud of her
it’s happening faster now
when i take her in the carrier
i face her outwards
so she can see the world
i had taken her for a walk at the beginning of the month
and had her facing inward
like usual
per her tiny size
and she screamed and cried
and no amount of comforting helped
and because we were on a walk
in the neighborhood
on the sidewalk
in front of a church
far from home
i sat down on church’s short brick wall and flipped her around for the first time
so that her little face was poking over the top of the carrier
her legs and arms dangling outward
and she stopped crying
she calmed and looked around
i began walking
and she began talking—
babbling and
growling happy growls
i could no longer look down at her face
to see how she was doing
but we walked like that for 90 minutes
my big girl
it’s happening faster now
“she’s gets cuter everyday”
it’s happening faster now
her eyes are getting brighter
it’s happening faster now
it’s happening faster now
she’s happening faster now