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This is the alleged autobiography of the notorious King Mwhon' the First, chieftain of the Goblins of the Red Valley, as you should know.
Being illiterate, we believe this piece was dictated to some captured scrivener who, for reasons that should be apparent immediately, chose not to amend the King's letter but rather, adapt the Common orthography to the peculiar tongue of that specimen of humanity lost to us and gained by the goblins.
We are certain that goblin words cannot be taken for the truth. However, it is to sober to remember that many of what has been told or written about goblins of Aiers are a mix of falsehoods, lies and errors. And so we present to the patience of our readers this most spectacular, exciting and utterly fascinating story of the human boy who became a goblin king and then conquered not a small patch of land, bringing glory to himself and his mischievous subjects.
Names of locations and persons aren't always recognizable to us. We believe that King Mwhon uses the peculiar tongue of his tribe and we hope that some scholar might make a better work of translating them, supposing those places and peoples exist at all.
With those caveats out of the way we depart from our intrusion hoping that you'd be able to smile ever so often and even wish our bold boy goblin king well.
When I was an eel
Read well Human! Make your head not-lazy! It isn't hard! Me Common is rusty, that's fine. My goblins conquered the orcs! me goblins defeated the dwarfs. My goblins make you fear me name! See, it's a honor that I write to you, humans! Ha! I used to be humble.
Back then I had a human name. They called me Eel. I don't know why, I was to little to care. I remember me masters didn't treat me well an' I was a human. Yes, it's true, me mother was human an' me father too. I know because I was there when human soldiers killed'em, an' took me, an' sold me to zis miller. They made me work, work, work an' fed me with the same oats they fed the donkey with, only much less. When I was clever I took from me master, but never from the donkey, me frien'.
One day I heard a story about goblins, that they kept human slave boys. an' I thought I'd love'em to keep me. You see I didn't understan' the story well 'cause I was workin' too hard. I thought they were frien's of slave kids like me. An' I thought “owlpee!” it'll be wood if I fin'-em!” But I couldn't go 'cause me master chained me left ankle to a big mill-stone 'vry night an' I had to sleep like that an' I was sad, sad, sad an' hungry most nights.
But one evenin' I saw zis dead girl from a farm, an' she was a slave too an' they make me help come with 'em to bury her, an' I rode in the cart next to dead girl, an' I told her sweet zings and she smiled 'cause her ghost was around still an' we were friends. An' I told the ghost “Can you die, die, die me too?” An' she-ghost told me “No, Fate doesn't like that.” An' all the humans around thought I was mad in the head. But they didn't care. We got to the dump, an' I went down, chose a place with flowers an' so little trash an' went dig, dig, dig with a lil' spade they gave me. An' they drunk, drunk, drunk. An' when I was all sweaty the work was done an' I buried the girl an' said bye-bye to the ghost an' the ghost told me about brwhella, which is a plant, which I took from the field.
An' we went back to masters' an' they payed master for me work, an' master chained me ankle, for it was dark. An' when I was all alone an' night was quiet as a scared mouse I ate the brwhella an' it tasted great, an' time later I felt pain, pain, many, many pain in me tumme an' belly bottom an' it ran up to me chest, an' I thought “tis death”, an' I got scared, an' I tried to shout for help but I couldn't an' I couldn't stan' up or move at all, me body did pee, pee, pee and poo, poo, poo an' I couldn't stop it, an' then I close me eyes an' couldn't open it again an' I thought “now death's close, I'll know when the pain stops.”
Master's fave boy came in the morning. An' he tried to wake me up but I couldn't move. An' me body was cold. I couldn't see a zing but I could hear evry-zin' an' I thought I was dead, dead, dead, but me soul was still around; like the dead girl.
An' they all came to me an' unchained me ankle an' took me to the place where I've buried the girl and they went dig, dig, dig up and threw me in. Then I got scared 'cause I felt pain so I was alive. But I couldn't move or scream, or cry or sob or anyzin' so I told meself a story an' waited, an' the cold wet dirt fell on me.
Time, time, time, time an' then I could move again. Dead girl was so smelly but I couldn't see anything an' I moved, moved, moved an' I felt me hand cold. It was out! They had been lazy an' didn't bury me deep so I could get out an' open me eyes again.
The night was cold an' with thousands of stars an' they all told me “You're free!” An' I ran to the Qu river an' I followed it 'cause I know it went up, up, up to the Red Valley, where the goblins who liked slave kids were. That was some adventure too!
I walked four days an' then I was very hungry. I had eaten berries, four small eggs from a nest an' one stupid fish. That was all. So I was too happy to see me first goblin. He was laying by the river, all by himself, snorin' loudly, an' his big round belly comin' out of his tunic. An' I walked to him an' I poked him an' I said “hi”. An' he woke up all-chicken, an' shoutin' in Common “mercy, mercy” an' then “hey you're a human pup, not a ghost pup”, an' I said “Hi, I want to be friends” An' he said “I have cheese, want some?” an' I thought he was the best friend ever!
I ate it all, an', after that, he gave me his cape 'cause I had nothin' on an' he placed a coil of rope round me neck, an' I said nothin' 'cause I was used to that an' the goblin was so happy. He told me his name “Lalazy” an' what me new name was “Lalazytoo”. That's a word in the tribal tongue that means Lalazy-found-me, or Lalazy-is-smart or Lalazy-is-great, or Lalazy-won, or Lalazy-took-me, an' many other thin's. But then I knew it not an' I didn't ever care 'cause me old name, Eel, wasn't that nice either.
So he painted me head yellow with some fatty mud he found an' he made a crown of flowers for me head and he led me like a puppy to the big goblin hill that they call Bwaharharillbick which means, among many other odder thin's, “the young shepherd kin'”.
I was happy with me new frien' an' he was happy too an' he gave me more food an' told me that I was brave for human pups cry when they see a goblin. But me tummy was happy, happy, happy, an' Lalazy spoke kind to me an' nobody had ever been that good to me an' I hoped the goblins would be nice to me so all was good, good, good.
It was rainy, rainy an' dark when we reached Bwaharharillbick. An' I was in awe when I spotted it fully. It's all thick bushy barbed woods but for the top which has four peaks, raising up to the sun like spears! An' there's a narrow, windin' path where the woods had been cleared an' it led to the statue of dwarf queen an' the statue had a huge door at her feet. An' a thunder fell, an' a great bolt came from the sky, and it rained more, more and an' I got scared, scared, scared. An' I feared that the goblins would be evil, evil, evil, an' more evil. My heart was pumpin' crazy, so excited I was, this was adventure, adventure, adventure! I had never have anythin' so what could I lose? Lalazy went all smiles under rain an' bolts an' I didn't struggle when he pulled the leash an' we went up, up an' up, all the windin' way, all the rocky way up, both all muddy to our calves, an' drenched an' cold but we didn't care. Lalazy was happy for he had got me an' I was happy for he always looked back to see how I was an' gave me bits of oat bread. That was nice.
Time, time, an' time and we got to the gate. It was ancient, massive, made from a single huge plank of wood. And it was all reinforced with bronze, all over. That had been once a dwarf city, diggy, diggy, hole, diggy, diggy, hole.
An' then I stopped being' happy for many goblins came all with spears an' swords, an' daggers an' such an' they all spoke the tribal tongue an' I didn't understood anyzin' but they were cheerin' Lalazy an' measurin' me body with their hand's an' I my mind went “they want to cook me”. That wasn't too scary, more of a downer, 'cause I thought the goblins would be kind to me an'... but if they killed fast enough then it wouldn't hurt an' my life had been so shitty that it wasn't worth to be scared.
But they didn't. They took me in an' made a big party with many, many, many goblins an' other livin' souls with 'em. I can't remember what happened in between. But I got new clothes, with they call “bahbag” an' it's like an apron sewn to knee-long pants that's what the poorest goblins and the “brwgs” all the time, nothin' more. Our kids aren't nekid unless they want to, like in summer or swimming. Stupid human “ropagander”!
That night I slept all cozy with thirteen other kids, two humans, two halflings, one dwarf, an elf, one orc and five goblin orphans. Half were boys an' half girls but nobody was fettered and I loved that! We talked an' nobody said anyzin' about bein' cooked so I was happy an' we all dream, dream an' dream
Next mornin' I learned who I was. I had to work in the big mine, with the other kids. Our mornin' jobs was to crawl in a tunnel pushing or pulling small flat cart, load it with ore an' back an' again. Then it was food, food, glorious food an' then our job for the evenin'. That was to melt little bits of ore an' if it turned blue everybody went all happy, happy but then I didn't know why. All I knew if that it was happy times when it happened.
That was the usual days of “brwgs” like me. One came after the other an' it was mostly the same. We also played an' sang an' did nuisance as kids do, but we rarely went outside an' when we went it was to greet an important ghost of the goblins of the Red Valley. First we made a cloth monster, like a horrible human knight or a two headed dragon, then we made a goblin ghost out of cloth an' wood too. An' we staged a fight, an' the good ghost won an' we were all free and happy, an' we sang songs to honor the ghost, an' it was food'n'dancin' after that. A good zin' is that you never know when the ghost's comin' home for a visit, the shaman told the kin' an' it was then that all work was stopped an' we all went very merry. We “brwgs”” loved our shamans very much.
An' you may think... didn't you ever try to escape? No, 'cause I didn't want to... where was I escapin' to? The goblins and the other “brwgs”, were all my friends and family. Besides, after one year, the goblins of the Red River let you go away, and a few did. But, it was dangerous for a dwarf slaver could get you, or an orc, an' most “brwgs” just waited to grow up.
But that wasn't my idea... I wanted to become a scout, an' join my better, Lalazy under the skies of Aiers.
I thought 'bout tellin' y'all 'bout my first adventures as a kid. But they weren't too great. Most of what I did was to find Lalazy quite dead on my first patrol, an' then ambush a dwarf slaver an' it wasn't pretty, all blood, blood, blood with him. After that they change my name to my new one: Muhond' which means, among other zin's “Scary little bat”, “Blood sucker", and “Annoying human pup-brat”. But the ghosts were with me that day, all luck.
So move to the time I've got my first full beard. I had raised taller than any goblins. An', no, they didn't sell me to the orcs. Red river goblins don't do that unless you're of the criminal sort, an' then laugh at the orcs for bein' stupid. They are dumber than eatin' nails... but that ain't in this story.
So... we spotted this large dwarf caravan. What does it usually mean? Well trade, Frwfrw, the most “dwngmidge” of a goblin, told me if I wanted to “go with 'em” and I didn't like the joke a bit, so I told him where he could go, an' we went fightin', fightin', rollin' down the slope, and all the other goblin scouts followin' us, an' shoutin' an' the dwarfs saw us an' they thought we were attackin' em and they formed a square with the slaves an' cargo inside and shoot at us with their crossbows, so we ran away.
They scolded us, the youngsters, good, an' it fit us well. An' the old ones went to clear the mess with the dwarfs, but the dwarfs were angry an' slayed our old ones. An' then it was war.
So our kin' that day was Ossybossee an' he ordered us scouts to go forward an' pest the dwarfs so they could outrun our enemies an' ambush'em.
So you're a dwarf an' you lead a caravan with goods, gold an' slaves an' such an' you think goblins are against you. What do you do? You move away an' trade somewhere else, 'cause that makes sense. But these ones they didn't. An' Ossybossee's plan went like a stone in the water. 'Cause the Red Valley army had went through secret goblin paths down the hills where no dwarf could see them, but where they couldn't see the dwarfs either. That was no lil' problem 'cause they knew where the shorties were goin' 'cept they weren't going there.
The bleepy shorties were goin' straight home, 'cause they thought it was theirs just 'cause some of their ancestors got it first, before Kin' Datsmeboyee, the most famous of our ghost kin's got it from'em. In a fair fight, even! But these dwarfs were twisted bad souls. Many of their slaves weren't slaves but mercenaries, only the human pups were truly slaves.
I learned it all watchin' them, armin' their “slaves” an' tellin' the human pups not to run away, 'cause we goblins would eat'em, kill'em an' do very nasty zings to'em. Slander! slander! slander! And I knew we had problem,. problem, problem! Our scout leader was Frwfrw! And his best idea, 'cause he was all that brave was to run to tell the Army. But I knew we couldn't tell the army on time, 'cause Ossybossee knew how to make goblins run, run run, an' they wer far already an' when we were back with the army, the dwarfs would be already inside home, enslavin' all the brwgs and killin' the old, old ones. An' see how you get a dwarf army out of a mountain fortress, unless you're ghost-kin' Datsmeboyee Madness!
So Frwfrw and me had a civil brawl an' I won but we made truce an' he got half the scouts, an' I've got the other half. Only that my half were the not-very-good scouts 'cause I was kind to Frwfrw. Besides, he really needed them.
Or, maybe, I got those fool enough to follow me.
I knew we were screwed. But I had this idea. We waited for the night, when the dwarfs were close to home an' make a lil' incursion. You know, just what goblins do... but with a very simple rule: don't hurt the dwarfs, just the mercenaries, an' free as many human pups as you could an' run, run, run...
It was all very confusin' an' scary, for us, mostly, twelve of our scouts were killed, six more got hurt an' two of 'em would later die, one at the hands of the bleepy shorties. An' I felt all that bleepy stupi' an' the shadow was wiz me. He had hurt some mercenaries, but killed nobody. An' we got some human pups, but they were all pee face 'cause they were so scared of us, an' I had to hug one of the wee ones so his heart wouldn't blow out of his tiny chest. An' I told all, we've got to flee, flee, flee, let's get home an' get everybody out through the back doors an' cry, cry, cry for our lost home, 'cause we couldn't win.
But, just as me an' some fools were with me at the gate, waitin' for the bleepy beer-drinkers to come... Beer means pee in our tribal tongue, just sayin' an' we call dwarfs shorties 'cause we want to even if they aren't shorter than most goblins, just sayin' too.
I write it again, But, just as me an' some fools were with me at the gate, waitin' for the bleepy beer-drinkers to come... Can I tell you how awful dwarf beer is?! That's how you know orcs are stupid when they drink it! I mean, get the dwarfs stuff fo' loot, sure, sell that to those without tongues, but don't drink the pee! Just sayin', should be obvious No proud goblin drinks that 'cept he's drunk already or gone fool or somethin'
ghost-kin' Datsmeboyee, let us in
Oh... I'll write it another time. No fuss with shorty's pee honest. But, just as me an' some fools were with me at the gate, waitin' for the bleepy beer-drinkers to come... Oh I must tell you we were thirteen, good lucky number, fourteen with me, a luckier number still, seven full-blood goblins, two hobbits, one blood dwarf (but don't call 'im that near me if you want your teeth inside your bleepy mouth) an' four blood-humans. An' we weren't werin' just the “bahbag” but a tunic over that an' an oak-an'-hog-tusks helmet, an' a padded tunic as well. We were to die as warriors, warriors, all for the tribe! And we were singin' “ghost-kin' Datsmeboyee, let us in”, that sounds better in our tribal tongue, 'cause we knew the dwarfs would end us an' we wanted to have a party in Datsmeboyee' ghost palace. He does some great feasts, they all say.
Ah!!! I screwed the story again! Can't understand why you're still 'ere. Anyway, I'll restain meself good this time, goblin-honest. But, just as me an' some fools were with me at the gate, waitin' for the bleepy beer-drinkers to come... an' we heard a lot of noise. My trick tricked them! The dwarfs an' the mercenaries were fighting together, an' it was all very bloody, an' I gathered everyone who could hold a weapon an' lead them down there, to join in the party!!!
An' this time we didn't fight noble, but hit an' run, hit an' run, scream an' run, shoutin' thin's in the human tongue too. Thin's like “we payed them better, pee-drinkers“ an' know the poor shorties thought we had arranged it all with the mercenaries... an' it was all a bloody mess, 'cause we always helped those who were losin' an' in the end of it all nobody won an' by the time their heads were cleared our army arrived 'cause Ossybossee knew how to make goblins run, run run, I'm tellin' y'all an' know we chased 'em and won a great victory. We let the mercenaries run, run, run away, 'cause that was smart so the dwarfs wouldn't trust'em again an' captured most of the dwarfs, but let a few ones run away.
Later... it was a feast, not as good as ghost-kin' Datsmeboyee's feasts, but we were alive. We let the human pups become brwgs an' kept the dwarfs to be sold. We knew some other dwarf merchant would buy an' free'em, just for prestige an' such but we'd get the gold to add to our loot! A great, great victory for Kin' Ossybossee... oh, what a bleepy day!
An' no braggin' but Frwfrw was made a brwg again, an' I was made scout-boss. Poor frwfrw... Ossybossee was mighty mad. He said he could have sent just two scouts to inform'im of the dwarfs' sneaky plan, not half the scout force. Who would have thought that?
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~ Miguel de Luis Espinosa