💾 Archived View for tilde.cafe › ~stack › gemlog › 2023-12-26.toilets.gmi captured on 2023-12-28 at 15:26:42. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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Americans are obsessed with bathrooms, and my house has four. To be fair, it has (conservatively) 10 bedrooms, so it's not really excessive. I think it was a whorehouse in the early 1900's.
One of the toilets, my favorite, had a jet-engine flusher. Sequestered on the top floor and used mainly by me, it was incredibly powerful: nothing was ever unflushed as a blast of water blew through it with tremendous force. It was truly awesome, and I became the butt of many jokes as I demonstrated the toilet to anyone who would listen with zeal and excitement completely unexpected of me.
However my joy was short-lived: within a few months, the toilet started losing power. What was once majestic blasts of water was now a trickle requiring multiple flushes that would increase in force for some reason. I popped the hood and started troubleshooting. The old Sloan, probably from the late 70's, uses some kind of a diaphragm compression mechanism housed in a round sarcophagus inside the tank. The ribbed pressurized container, ominously, looks like a small explosive device (and it is!). I noticed a tiny crack, which leaked air into the tank and made it lose power.
Using epoxy and straps I remedied the situation.
Around that time my partner told me that our friends that were planning a visit had cancelled because of the toilet. Turns out the dude was really scared of the toilet but was afraid to admit it for some reason.
At first I thought, what a wuss. But a bit of superficial research, turns out that he is not wrong. These things explode more often than you'd expect, sending the lids flying, cracking tanks, and wrecking your ass if it's unlucky enough to be inside the blast radius [1].
And so, with much regret, I stood at attention, hummed 'Taps', and flushed the beast for the last time. I then dismantled the old toilet, and drove it to the dump. I remember unloading it; it was a dull, rainy day. Somewhere in the distance a dog was barking.
We went to a toilet store together (for better or for worse, as the wedding vows go). More likely my partner didn't trust me not to buy another ass rocket and scare off our remaining friends. By the time I had parked the car, she found a $50 toilet on a final sale. Done and done.
It turned out to be the best toilet in the house. It has the prerequisite #1 and #2 buttons (I still have to figure out which is which, so I push both for maximum action when required), holds water, flushes clean and does not stink the next day after cleaning.
When we fixed up the bathrooms after buying the house, like some fancy morons, we bought two Toto toilets. They were ****ing expensive, but you know how it goes - these will last forever, etc. My partner also has a thing with intestine-shaped toilets - the totos have a sleek outer shell. Bad decision.
These are the worst toilets I've had experience with. Not because I expect more for expensive things (they were well over a thousand dollars for two, after a big sale and contractor discount). They just suck.
One has a sticky flush valve, which runs if you don't flush it in a very specific way, popping the button sharply (and even then sometimes sticks). If you don't stand around until it's done and occasionally ping the button again so it goes 'glop' inside and closes, it will pour expensive water at an alarming rate right down the toilet, literally. Good luck explaining it to all your guests (or your kids).
No amount of adjustment seems to work. Spraying various lubricants seems to help for a short while, but invariably it starts sticking. Shifting the lid (which for some reason has velcro) likewise makes it work for a few days. A 3d-printed insert worked for a few months, then mysteriously stopped working.
Worse yet, it is made of some kind of weird porous porcelain, with strategic angles that prevent flushing. Shit literally sticks to it, and you have to use the brush pretty much every time.
It gets worse. Urine sticks to it too! You can watch it slowsly slide off the walls, but not entirely. After a thorough cleaning, a single urination leaves it stinking. I get reprimanded whenever my mom visits, no matter how much I wash it.
I don't know what the lesson here is.
https://gizmodo.com/toilet-explosions-more-common-than-you-might-think-1837045948