💾 Archived View for evilswampmonster.flounder.online › journal2023.gmi captured on 2023-12-28 at 15:23:27. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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✫ 12/21/2023
something very awful has happened
✫ 12/21/2023
im drunkposting rn so this might be mushy
one of my friends reposted this poem that said:
"I have a fantasy where everyone I love sits at the same dining room table.
the air smells like sage, and the candlelight is dimming because the wicks were lit so long ago. there is laughter that comes from the bottom of the stomach; there are absentminded smiles. my shoulders do not naturally curl inward like a late november leaf. no one is missing; every seat is filled. someone passes a plate to the person next to them. when a glass slips from a hand and shatters on the hardwood, it is met with one single apology and half a dozen voices saying hey, don’t worry about it, everything is just fine.
we never learned what it means to fight or how it feels to hang up without saying goodbye, instead, someone asks me if I’ve tried any new recipes lately. they ask me to recommend a book for them. they ask if I’ve had enough to eat.
for a brief moment, I catch the melted shapes of all our reflections in the window. I stare until we are no longer separate entities, until we are one watercolor blur, until there is nothing I would change."
i sometimes worry that i want to be too close with people, and this is weird and clingy. but if im being honest i really just want to live on a big street where everyone is friends with each other and everyone hangs out with each other without it being weird. i hate that it's so common that people feel inhibited or like they're being "too much" if they want to be close with people. being scared to go outside for so long amplified this in me, i think. i want to let that go.
✫ 12/18/2023
did a tarot reading at my end of the semester party asking about my general future. got the devil (and the tower). i asked about it again in another reading today after shuffling it a lot. got the devil again. did a THIRD reading about it after a lot more shuffling and got the devil AGAIN. whats going on
✫ 12/14/2023
was telling my mom about christmas dirtbag and she had NEVER HEARD TEENAGE DIRTBAG BEFORE??? anyway, i showed her both and she says they "rock"
✫ 12/12/2023
sooooo close to the end of the semester. i have 1 more meeting, 1 exam, and 1 more paper to write and then im free. im hanging out with friends at a bar tomorrow night to celebrate the end of the semester, and my goal is to have everything done by then :)
✫ 12/10/2023
my grandma told me about her favorite christmas song, "walking around the christmas tree"
✫ 12/7/2023
health inspector came to work when i was all alone. we scored really well but holy shit it was so scary
✫ 12/5/2023
maybe i need to start doing yoga again. i don't feel centered
lol
✫ 11/28/2023
have been thinking a lot about whether or not being a therapist is actually what i want to do. ive had it as my career plan since i was 16 and im realizing that it's a lot scarier and more difficult than i have been thinking. im locked in for the next semester because of my contract job with umsl which also comps pretty much all of my tuition, and this summer i have practicum where ill be actually doing the job, and then a year of field experience before i can start really working. ive decided that if i don't like practicum im quitting and gonna try to find a desk job. maybe in hr so i can use my undergrad degree?
it's scary to think about breaking these plans that ive had in place for 7 years. it's scary to admit it to myself and to flounder, and to potentially have wasted so much time (and money-- won't be in debt because of my umsl job but i could've been saving it) on something that's useless. but the prospect of having no social battery outside of work is very real. idk man
✫ 11/26/2023
i like my bf's family but i feel kinda exhausted & like my social battery is depleted. i love the vacation and they're v generous but im looking forward to having my own space
✫ 11/23/2023
thanksgiving highlights
-rode an atv for the first time
-taught nate to play gin rummy
-played poker for the first time
-met 13 new people
-ate a good ass lasagna
-nates grandpa taught me to use his camera (stressful)
-saw cows
-drank paloma
-talked about someone's stalker situation (fbi was involved)
-climbed around on a roof
-was reminded that im in love!
✫ 11/17/2023
evilswampmonster's hole has been comfy. ive been playing stardew valley, watching the bear, and sleeping. it's like hibernating. big fan
✫ 11/16/2023
having a friend who is poly is cool because you can come up with new terminology, such as
-poly-peripheral: technically poly but only has one partner in the polycule, is otherwise not attached to the polycule
-poly poly: being involved in multiple polycules wherein the other members of the polycules are only involved with fellow polyculers
-ethical non-consensual non monogomy: person whos technically ok with being poly because they're dating a person who was poly before but would rather not be poly & just date the person
and my personal favorite
-poly-saturated: a poly person who has enough partners (full disclosure: i didn't make this one up, but i like it)
✫ 11/5/2023
feeling off and socially disconnected lately. idk if it's the seasons changing or me being tired or astrology or what
weekend highlights:
-saw my former coworker and current friend's one-man play where he got the script when he walked onto the stage. it was so cool. it's called white rabbit, red rabbit-- highly recommend
-started working on a zine of my own. a zine of one's own, if u will
-meditated a lot
-went to the splash pad and had good thoughts & conversations & heard good music
-left splash pad before i wanted to because i have work today
✫ 10/29/2023
✫ 10/27/2023
better morning. have started running again & am officially converting to buddhism today i think. considering vegetarianism (i don't think i could swing veganism)
✫ 10/26/2023
bad morning
✫ 10/25/2023
counseled someone for the second ever time tonight. i think we had a breakthrough...im feeling so much. i really want to cry. ive been so worried for so long that im gonna be a shitty counselor who hurts people and i feel tentatively good about it for the first time ever. after it's my turn to get counseled im going to drive to my boyfriend's house and have 1 margarita
✫ 10/24/2023
i think that one of my biggest spiritual blocks is my relationship with my body (in the beauty standard sense). selfish desire is violence. that's an idea that i need to hold gently & firmly right now
✫ 10/21/2023
discovering that the library has free ebooks that you can access remotely is a game changer. have been reading a book about buddhism
✫ 10/19/2023
being sick feels like a time warp. it feels like im wasting time.
ive had a low grade fever for about 4 days now. i wish it would just go away!
saw a quote that said "women understand how easily bread and water can become tea and toast" and i want to get it tattooed on me
✫ 10/17/2023
i have a cold today. it's a good day to be sick-- my work is all online, and it's fall, which is the best time to be sick because soup and snuggling up under blankets are in season. it's also a rare occasion where im thankful to be living with my parents. when i was sick in undergrad and living alone or with a roommate, i remember that it always felt lonely.
ive always been the opposite of people who brag about never getting sick. im a sickly victorian orphan every time something is going around. maybe i need more vitamin c
✫ 10/12/2023
ive been feeling very low-energy lately. grateful for the friends who are getting me out of the hole that is introversion (thx idi for that visualizer. i like to think of the introversion hole as a burrow. this burrow specifically:
went 2 sheer mag with punkreflex last night and also ran into princess-jesus. it was fun! i hadn't been to the duck room before and it rocks. i crashed after the opener and went home though. am i listening to what my body needs or am i giving in to a little bit of depression? who knows
✫ 10/11/2023
i had originally planned on graduating from my master's program at the end of next summer. and then it got pushed to december 2024 because they didn't offer the classes i needed. so i scheduled a meeting with my advisor this morning and it turns out that i won't be graduating until the end of next spring. spring 2025.
it's almost worse that none of this is me fucking anything up; it just is the way the program is. im taking summer classes, and the max number of classes that i can every semester, and im still gonna get out of there in over 2 years.
✫ 10/4/2023
rainy day at work today which was nice. people come in to the shop less and tip more on rainy days for some reason, which is perfect imo
i have a bug curse. i like bugs a lot most of the time but over the past two weeks ive encountered WAY too many gross bugs. at least 1 awful bug experience per day, none of them related
i have to meet with one of my research advisors on friday. she's a cunt and i hate her. last time i misunderstood her instructions and did part of my assignment wrong and she was so mean about it, so i asked a bunch of questions about the assignment for this time and she got exasperated and upset. like ??? i also hate the other research assistant on this project. why are there so many cunts in academia
i was at work at 6:30 this morning and i have not stopped working all through the day, at work-work or on classwork. my class ends at 8:15. going to get extremely high and watch an awful movie tonight
9/28/2023
on my way home from my bf's apartment i saw 2 raccoons, 3 bunnies and a fox. i also heard an owl and saw a big ass crow earlier today. love it
✫ 9/27/2023
counseled someone for the first time tonight!! im still a bundle of nerves
✫ 9/19/2023
feeling a lot better about yesterday. it still sucks but it won't be as expensive to fix as i initially thought.
learning to have a dialog with my insecurity. she is a part of me that my brain made to protect myself. she comes from self-love, even if she struggles to express it, & i can value what she has to say. im prioritizing the fact that i get to feel upset even if nobody else has done anything wrong.
✫ 9/18/2023
got in a hit and run where i was the hit. im physically fine but my car is all fucked up.
it's embarrassing and awful because it's my second car accident in like a month. back when i was driving my shitty car i drove for years and never had a single accident. which is perfect and amazing.
i have no idea if it was my fault or not and ill never know. i sort of blacked out right after it happened. everything is awful and everything sucks. my work is amazing though and told me they'll get my shift covered.
thinking about this girl from my high school who got into a bunch of car accidents-- so many that they did a little profile of her in one of the yearbooks. i remember she was in my math class, and one day she was explaining that she went to the doctor and they found that she had an issue with her eyes. i think her depth perception was bad. people still made fun of her for it. they still said it was ridiculous and that women can't drive even after it was established that it was out of her control. i still see her on instagram sometimes
✫ 9/17/2023
feeling feelings about [redacted]. i wish i could say so many things but it wouldn't be fair
✫ 9/13/2023
trying a new cafe today-- meshuggah cafe in u-city at the recommendation of my work friend. it's close to my bf's apartment and it's very cozy. i think i'll frequent it this fall. i told myself that i can still use the excuse of going to cafes for agoraphobia exposure therapy...but i really went because i just wanted to. taking a break from writing an annotated bibliography to flounderpost.
this fall feels like the start of season 2. i feel like my "season 1" had a lot of specific goals-- getting over some social anxiety, meeting new people, getting started with my grad program, finding a part-time job and a scholarship job, etc. now it feels like that stage is over and im finding new goals. a big one is trying to get to know people better and deeper.
another one is to move in with my boyfriend or to find my own apartment with roommates. i think my mom needed me to be living at home for a while, and now that my parents are in a better spot i think they're ready for some space. im not sure if nate and i are ready to be living together full time though-- i think i might want my own apartment to decorate and make a home first to take some pressure off the relationship. i don't want to feel like im too dependent on him. but i also know that we'd be spending basically all our time together even if i didn't move in.
my last goal is to do some kind of body modification. the idea of it gives me some anxiety but ive wanted to for a long time. i want to make my body my own.
excitedly and wildly over caffeinatedly yours,
-evilswampmonster
✫ 9/12/2023
dealing with a little bit of what feels like a rejection or a slow ghost. what i should be doing is letting this wash over me but instead it feels like im in the mud wrestling a pig. i know intellectually that this doesn't define me but i still feel rejected. learning to put that feeling down is hard. i don't have to put energy into relationships where people have communicated--actively or passively-- that im not important to them. but it's hard not to
otherwise ok. doing ok. will be ok.
✫ 9/9/2023
boss made espresso martinis for us on the clock #blessed
~
had a good day at work today but overall feeling a little gross lately. i think it's sinking in that im not going back to truman this fall and, even though i love living in stl, i miss undergrad. i miss my art classes especially. my last fall semester at truman i had painting class & nothing else on mondays, wednesdays, and fridays and i would just listen to the new moon album by elliot smith on repeat and paint.
the world feels bigger now. it feels like im staring into the rest of my life. if im not social one week then i worry ill not be social for the rest of my life. if i spend too much money i worry that ill spend too much money for the rest of my life. i don't have any conclusion to this besides the fact that i know it's wrong but it still Feels like the way it is.
✫ 9/7/2023
I FOUND SOMEONE IN MY PROGRAM WHO LIKES TO SHIT TALK we're so fucking back i feel healed
✫ 9/6/2023
looking at my flounder log of dreams and realizing how many of them are about birth and pregnancy...don't love that
feeling better about the workload i have. im still feeling a little stretched thin but this weekend helped a lot. i got to go to my bf's parent's house and sleep in the same bed with him :) i usually have a pretty bad insomnia issue but for some reason whenever im with him im able to relax. i really want to move in together
i want to go camping as soon as the leaves start changing. what i ~really~ want to do is go on a train trip to oregon and rent a cabin for a week, but work and classes (and money) unfortunately are factors. trying to internalize the idea that im not running out of time to do all the things i want to do.
8/31/2023
becoming worried that these journal entries are documenting my descent into madness. read one of my entries from two weeks ago and it feels like a lifetime ago.
so so so overwhelmed. work was crazy busy today and i just found out today that im gonna be a research assistant for another professor. after this week? semester? year? lifetime? is over i need to be in a sensory deprivation chamber for a decade and then i can function.
✫ 8/30/2023
becoming obsessed with dreams. considering getting qualifications in jungian dream analysis because they're so cool. ur subconscious speaks in pictures and metaphors! literally ur inner poet!
im also drowning in work and getting bad about texting people back again. going to my bf's parent's house this weekend which im hoping will be a good reset
✫ 8/29/2023
drama at work has me stressed. i love the owners of the cafe but one of them sent a really long passive-aggressive message telling us to stop doing things we're not doing. like, we've only had people ask for emergency shift coverage twice in the like 4 months ive been there and they were both for medical emergencies, and he said that people are calling out sick last minute because of hangovers? blatantly untrue. it came off as very "nobody wants to work these days" when i know that at least 3 of my coworkers are consistently asking for more shifts. we have a meeting tonight and im worried about there being a lot of conflict. anyway...
classes 3 nights a week + schoolwork for 4 classes + my 2 jobs are leaving me with not a lot of free time to hang out with people, and not feeling well on top of all of that is isolating rn. i keep finding myself wanting closeness and consistent plans to be with people but not having enough energy to make plans or even follow through on the ones i have made sometimes. ive been exposed to covid so ive been isolating as much as i can given the circumstances, but i know that im only a week into this convergence of responsibilities and it'll last a full year. it's giving me major anxiety. not having a consistent work schedule at the cafe (and finding out the friday before what my shifts will be for the week) is exhausting. hoping things will fall into place soon.
~
the meeting was not today lol it's next week. even though nothing else has happened with it, i still feel better for some reason.
even though the daily high temp hasn't been below 80 in a while, i still feel like i can feel the beginning of fall coming. geese are flying south, there are a few leaves falling, etc. excited :)
✫ 8/23/2023
saw the sun on my way to work and it was crazy. will update more when i have a second
~
i saw the sun and it was SO big and SO red that the first emotion i felt was genuine fear. and then i remembered that the sun can't hurt me. and then i almost cried because the sun is so pretty.
~
the moon was pretty tonight too! in a state of reverence.
im not sure if the desire to make a permanent change (a piercing, tattoo, or spending a lot of money in one place) is coming from a healthy place or not. but it's still there, like a tick or a baby grabbing at a dress i could be wearing. ive spent so much time trying to prevent permanent decisions, but sylvia plath knew what she was talking about when she wrote about the figs.
✫ 8/21/2023
sick at work :/
my weekend was pretty good. my sister came to town which was nice, but i ended up being too sick to go to both parties i was planning on going to. that sucked but i think i needed the alone time.
my classes start tomorrow. i feel like i should feel more excited for them. chalking my lack of enthusiasm up to being sick but the people in my classes like to talk about their own lives and trauma a lottt and it derails lessons quite a bit. my professors don't stop people from derailing the classes either. i feel insecure about my future as a therapist because, like, i should be fine with people talking about their lives and trauma, right? but i know that in a setting where im talking to a friend or where ill be talking to a client, my attitude will be different because it's appropriate for the situation. but it still makes me nervous ig.
✫ 8/17/2023
i can't tell if im getting sick or if it's just allergies and cramps. either way there's something at work that im v allergic to (im very itchy and sneezing a lot) and we haven't changed anything so idk what it could be. it also kinda sucks because working in food service + itchy face and sneezing = grossed out customers. blah
ive been feeling a little antisocial lately. i went out with friends last night which was great and i feel like i needed it, but im still feeling low-energy. parallel play is the vibe for me right now. my sister and her bf are coming to town tonight too and i have 2 parties to go to this weekend, and im excited, but im also aware that i wont have much alone time to recharge until next week (my sister and i share a room when she comes to town). also i like my sister's bf but i wish it was just my sister coming to town. or actually, maybe i don't like him. unsure
my classes start next week too. im gonna have to go to classes 3 nights a week for the next few months, which im dreading a little. my work schedules me a lot on weekends, and im gonna have 2 jobs and 5 bosses (!) so i guess im worried that im gonna end up kinda isolated? ill still have weekend nights free but i love a weeknight hangout. but it's temporary.
ive been thinking about the fact that i probably won't ever work in a traditional office too-- if everything goes the way ive planned it, ill go straight from working at the cafe to working as a counselor. it's weird that i might be done with school at this point next year. it feels far away, even though it's not.
✫ 8/12/2023
bf's family randomly coming to town + random car trouble + unending family drama = stressed and busy swamp monster...will let out my feelings at the open mic tomorrow
✫ 8/8/2023
so so so tired but my body won't let me sleep. had the day off work today and i spent it with my grandma for most of it, and then i took care of a herd of 6 kids for a while (family with a lot of kids wants to maybe get my old car). it was shady and weird-- they kept making weird cryptic requests about getting an open title for the car? idk if that's normal but they were also unfriendly. they're friends of my aunt's so ig i trust them but still. i also completely ate shit during a game of duck duck goose. got laughed at by a bunch of toddlers. lol
ive been thinking more and more about getting a tattoo and moving in with my bf. i really don't want to get too much into my relationship with my family on here but my relationship with most of them consists of me being a reassurer and connection to society. there's a lot of insecurity, isolation, easily hurt people, people who operate with the world through catastrophizing, etc. it really shouldn't factor into my decision but with more than one person those decisions would feel (to them) like massive betrayals on the level of things i don't want to think about. like for example with my grandma earlier, she will genuinely have a panic attack when she's honked at. when i didnt shave my legs for a few months it induced so many conversations and tears and so much begging to shave them. it feels like it's not worth it. but it's my body. idk
✫ 8/4/2023
had an awful awful dream that someone was trying to hurt one of my cats :( cuddling with her now.
not much is going on otherwise-- i have therapy later and then my last session of mandatory group therapy for my group therapy class, and i might see the barbie movie tonight or tomorrow. someone has also tried to outbid me for the garfield phone i found on ebay...very scary times
my therapist is amazing fantastic stunning. but now i am wanting to do something. having days off during the week with no schoolwork to do is weird. but i have tomorrow off and the entirety of next weekend off, which im excited about. idk what ill do with myself after working so many weekends
✫ 8/3/2023
hanging out at a coffee shop in webster, finishing up the last of my summer finals. i got the really stressful parts done on Tuesday and then i had work yesterday so i have little corners of work to do before i have a few weeks off of school. the professors in this program grade gently, so im not too worried.
the cool overcast weather today and yesterday has me feeling good. for some reason it feels like being given permission to go out, stay in, curl up in bed, wear long pants in the summer, etc. the big white sky also reminds me of going to the penguin and puffin exhibit at the zoo when i was little. love those little guys. on the way over to the cafe im in i passed the street where my old cello teacher lived. his porch was always covered in flowers and he had a few tortoises and parrots, and a couple of dogs. i miss him
i used to get a lot of anxiety about going Out by myself, so over the past 8 months or so ive been trying to exposure therapy myself into going out to cafes to study. i don't think i feel the anxiety anymore-- at least, it's a lot less impactful as it has been in the past. the anxiety dissipating is overall a good thing but it does mean that i won't have a reason to spend money on a little treat every time i need to get ready for a test. maybe i should adopt a use-it-or-lose-it mentality.
7/26/2023
successfully got my old corolla back and got a refund for the car with no airbags. it feels like a reunion to have her back even though she was only away from me for a couple days.
that corolla belonged to my aunt first, then my sister, and now me. i was riding in the back of it when i was 7 and now im close to saying goodbye (again) at 22 because she's truly on her last legs. one of the hosts of my favorite podcast also lost her corolla recently (hers was totaled) and she talked on the podcast a couple months ago about feeling sentimental about her car not being hers anymore. at the time, when i was listening to it i thought that i wouldn't feel the same way but damn. the cowboy in me thinks of that corolla as my horse, and she has a broken leg (oil leak that would cost 3k to fix).
i wish i could say i was sending her to a better home but chances are good that she'll be scrapped for parts. the ac doesn't work, the radio and cd player don't work, she sounds like a lawn mower when i start her(because the muffler swings back and forth. cant be good), the part that holds the oil (no idea what it's called) pulls rust every time i check it, and she has manual window cranks. maybe somebody will fix her? idk. my dad thinks it would be funny to put a really high-powered engine in her and make what he calls a "sleeper build." who knows
✫ 7/25/2023
saw oppenheimer with my bf's friends. they came in town to see him and oppenheimer on a fancy screen. i don't understand the difference between the kinds of screens but i fear ill like oppenheimer better than i like barbie when i see it, which seems like a betrayal on my part.
itching for fall but the end of summer feels too final. ive been feeling some old anxieties creeping in but they feel less like part of me and more like old friends who i want to comfort. worrying if i am ruining everything and unlikable, if i wont do well at my scholarship job in august, etc. but i think that someone who's ruining everything wouldn't worry about it much. and im pretty sure it will be very difficult to fire me :)
oh yeah, i also accidentally started to buy a car without airbags. turns out that people who work with cars are actually not always trustworthy? news to me. i like airbags and having a car that i will probably not die in. so ive been working on that!
✫ 7/10/2023
went for a run with my mom this morning and then went to therapy, and now im at the gelateria for about 2 more minutes working on schoolwork (and definitely not procrastinating it by floundering) until i have to go to work for the afternoon. midway through typing that last sentence a bird landed on my laptop. it was cool but also im worried about the bird getting me sick.
wondering if my body is telling me that i need social time tonight or if i need time to myself. maybe i will see a show? unsure. but lately im feeling balanced! ok time to go
✫ 7/6/2023
i have work tomorrow and should be sleeping but i have so many things to say
i feel like ive fallen into a depression pit lately. im desiring newness and closeness in a way that i can't quite define. i also tried to organize a social event for this weekend which kinda flopped so i feel embarrassed. thinking of things as exposure therapy and rejection therapy helps but i still feel stung. im still proud of myself for intentionally putting myself in a vulnerable situation in front of what feels like many people. i wouldn't be able to be in this sitation without spiraling 6 months ago. my therapist says that these pieces of growth are as significant as they feel, if not more so. but they feel like rain boots that are too big
06/30/2023
pineapple rain twice in one week???
✫ 06/28/2023
pineapple rain is in st louis! my favorite weather
i really really really really wish my sister and i lived in the same place
✫ 06/21/2023
my boyfriend moved up on saturday!!! we've been getting high and slowly unpacking which rocks. im excited to show him all of the cool spots in stl ive found :D
also my car is dying. yesterday i checked the oil and there was a piece of rust or burned stuff or something on the stick. it felt like the car equivalent of coughing into a napkin and seeing blood in it
besides that ive been hanging out, working, meditating, etc. i want to go to the hobbit hole show on friday. ive also been having a hankering to do something improv-related-- possibly dnd?
✫ 06/15/2023
in class...hungy...have no food...being so strong
✫ 06/13/2023
once again floundering from work :0
my classes start this week which is mostly fine. i wish i didn't have a thursday class though because it seems like Everything happens on thursdays, but i only have the one in person which is nice
overall im feeling good lately. i would like to go blueberry picking soon. and perhaps kayaking.
✫ 06/09/2023
had a really good session with my therapist earlier. it was mostly about how good things can bring bad things with them and that it's okay to not feel good about something that overall is a Good thing. i feel very seen by my therapist. she likes to use a lot of artistic tools in our sessions like whiteboards and color charts. she's a big role model for how i want to be as a therapist.
going to the shakespeare festival tonight with my friend richie :) any flounderers are welcome to join us! i will have edibles on me at all times. if u meet up with us and want one u can use the code word: "weed"
✫ 06/07/2023
had a very cool time with some very cool people last week. we went to a show that rocked and saw 2 ambient noise sets, and then we went to an improv show that was really fun. i used to do improv club in high school, and i thought it was cringey for a while, but i forgot how fun and freeing of an art form it is! i want to incorporate it into my life again. killing the part of myself that cringes etc etc
this week and last week ive been hanging out with one of my college friends who's in town for a month. so far we've missed 2 shows we were planning on seeing just because we were talking the whole time at bars beforehand. we've been talking about going to new orleans this summer and giving each other shitty tattoos.
this weekend i was working working working. i worked 4 big rush days in a row including an event where i had to stay for an extra couple of hours. i love my bosses and coworkers and i love my job but i forgot how much it is to be on my feet and have my customer service persona On for so long. im glad i have a couple of days off this week. i didn't realize how much i needed a rainy rest day until it happened today. ive been spending it doing laundry and dishes and now im watching the new pete davidson show with my bf over discord :)
✫ 06/02/2023
it's too early. i really just want to roll over and go back to sleep but i have work. im working by myself for the first time today-- just for the first hour, and then a coworker is gonna come in and help. im still nervous though.
sleeping alone sucks ass. after 4 nights of being able to cuddle with my bf, waking up alone feels like a smack in the face. we both struggle to get to sleep when we're on our own too, which is partially why im exhausted today. i read somewhere that that happens because your brain feels safe with the other person and lets you fully relax. i hope that's the reason. it's very sweet. nonetheless i have a strong desire to be Held first thing in the morning
i always tell myself that im gonna take a nap when i wake up tired, but usually by 8am or so im fully awake. im still gonna tell myself that ill take a nap though because i am so eeby.
✫ 06/01/2023
my bf's mom showed us home videos of my bf when he was little. it felt kinda surreal. he has a huge family and every family event of theirs is so full of life.
today he's driving me back to stl & i have work all weekend during the day, but im slowly putting together plans for after work. thinking about getting a couple of disposable cameras for the summer :)
im gonna miss the feeling of being in jeff. even though theres really nothing to do there, ive associated it with this impossibly peaceful escape from the stresses of my life in general. time feels like it stops when im there. it just feels like my bf and me in this other dimension where we don't have to do anything but be with each other.
him coming to stl is a good thing, especially timing-wise now that my car is going to die soon. im such a nostalgic person, though, and i wasnt really expecting to feel nostalgic about this weird in-between time.
5/31/2023
astrology app says that i have power in all areas today. excited to inevitably be corrupted by it
i feel like this season of my life is about trying to maintain the balance between "nothing is rlly that big of a deal despite my tendency to take things extremely personally" and "i get to feel sad even if nobody has intentionally hurt me." anyway
✫ 5/28/2023
floundering at work!!! omg
going to jeff for the last time in a while later today! my bf is gonna drive me there because my car could die at any moment. im only staying for a couple of days because of my new job, but im really excited. it feels nice that we get to do the drive together the last time im there for the foreseeable future. besides the one time i almost got shot, it's usually a really nice drive :)
✫ 5/26/2023
nvm good things were not coming
broke no menstruation may :/ we were so close
✫ 5/24/2023
worked today and then we had a staff meeting at work & some of my coworkers invited me to go to bar trivia with them afterwards. have been with people for like 13 hours straight, but i feel good and not exhausted! currently listening to big thief with my bf over discord and looking at apartments online. even though my car sucks right now and ive been a little depressed lately, i feel like good things are coming <3
✫ 5/23/2023
feeling blah. burned the roof of my mouth really bad and my car is kinda toast. the people at the repair shop say that i can keep driving it for a while though but it'll explode eventually and i need to keep checking the oil every time i drive it. ugh
gonna actually go to a support group meeting soon even though it seems kinda icky to me. the idea of going by myself is daunting but the idea of asking someone to go with me is honestly worse. ugh x2
unsure if ill go to the open mic night tonight. i feel like i should because i think i need to be with people but also i really just want to get high and watch a movie, and idk if i'll be great company. hmm
✫ 5/22/2023
the car place says they can get my car in tomorrow! i hope it'll be ready in time for the experimental open mic tomorrow night. also my dad driving me to work is getting old
had a dream last night that i was picking up broken glass and today my coworker knocked over a bottle of wine and i helped him clean up the broken glass...may have developed prophetic vision
✫ 5/20/2023
worked today and am going to my grandma's birthday party in a minute:) my dad had to drive me to work (car is broken) and on the way there i frantically remembered that i didn't bring my backpack-- he would drive me to school in middle school & i still felt that stress. surreal times
✫ 5/18/2023
the show on wednesday was incredible. amazing poetry and great music :)
my bf got a job, and it's a good one! (thank god) he came in town yesterday to interview and they called him back right before we got lunch. we're both excited and relieved to not be doing long distance anymore very soon.
i feel really good about most things going on in my life right now-- i feel like my roots in stl are getting stronger and im learning to be gentler with myself. the only thing that really sucks for me right now is that my car is messed up. i put oil in it last week and it's already dangerously low again, and the only mechanic that i know isn't a scammer is busy until wednesday. so im stranded at home for the weekend which kinda sucks. but i know that it's temporary.
✫ 5/16/2023
babysat my little cousin today and he asked me if god has a phone. we also got dinosaur temporary tattoos and watched my cat sleep for like 2 hours it was awesome
also im done with my first semester of my master's program and i like my new job. come to the webster groves garden cafe if you want me to make you a baklava latte :)
considering taking an edible before the poetry reading tomorrow. would it be disrespectful to the art to not experience it sober or honoring it to be high there? hmm
✫ 05/11/2023
new job is good and i did ok on my finals and i took an edible earlier. feeling yippee and like i need to play disco elysium again
also i found out recently i was born on a full moon. what's up with that
✫ 05/08/2023
obsessing over @idi's new zine puker. if you don't have a copy yet i highly recommend it!
also im officially for real starting a new job tomorrow! i asked the manager/owner what i should wear and she said that the dress code is to wear what's comfortable. :)
overall doing much better than last night. the person who my last post was about has apologized which is nice. still not at 100% with the situation but happy w that at least. ive also started doing yoga and meditating again. there's this one yoga video that ive been using as a guide that feels nice and peaceful when im doing it but the next day my abs always feel absolutely shredded and sore. it's magic
the only really bad thing that has happened today is that i think i shrunk my favorite overalls in the wash. they feel short. and overalls are expensive so im a little bummed bc i wear them all the time and it makes sense to replace them. ig it's good that im working tomorrow ! i also have to go to bed at 9:30 so i can get a good amount of sleep so im skipping the splash pad show :/
✫ 05/07/2023
had an absolute blast at the beerstravaganza on friday! loved making wizard staffs and meeting new people :)
the rest of the weekend has spiraled though. ive talked a little bit on here before about a family member with mental health issues who ive been trying to take care of and things got a lot worse a couple of minutes ago. this person is a lot more unwell than ive been thinking they were. i don't want to get too much in detail because it's still fresh and im trying to process but basically my and my mom's living situation was threatened and im not doing super great.
i was also going to go into a new job tomorrow honestly as a test run-- i didn't really want the job but it was a backup. i was debating it for a while and i decided to go and see how it was. but i have two other places that are looking like theyll give me the job (one of which i basically got offered the job already) and after the thing that just happened i think i need some space. the risk/reward just got a lot different.
im feeling that kinda sick-to-your-stomach shaky at the moment. im gonna go talk to my boyfriend and eat some ice cream
✫ 05/04/2023
currently have 2 job offers and am not sure which one to take and i have to decide before tomorrow. a little stressed but im trying to appreciate that this is ultimately a good problem to have. im gonna write out stuff about the two options mostly for myself but lmk if you have strong opinions:
-job A: kinda anal. made me do a phone screen and also a v formal interview. i would be serving old people a lot and have a strict dress code, but the pay is probably a little better. i also would probably have more strict hours but my day would start at 8
-job B: very chill. i had an interview scheduled for 2pm and i arrived at 1:50 and was out the door with a job offer before 2. it seems like most ppl working there are in their early 20s or late teens. probably not too much of a rush most of the time. but the pay is probably gonna be slightly worse, but the hours will probably be more flexible(but i will have to be there at 6am)
(-third option that doesn't exist yet: would probably be a long drive from my house + wild card hours and pay)
??? they both have strong pros and cons idk. i also have a final tonight! woo
✫ 05/02/2023
ive been thinking a lot lately about anxiety and how it relates to creating truth. maybe this is just how it functions in my family and not a universal but i think the way social anxiety functions is that it makes you doubt your version of reality and trust & look to others for theirs. like, my anxiety stems from doing something Incorrect and others seeing it and thinking that it's Incorrect, like saying something and ppl taking it as me being offensive or rude.
my grandma has a lot of social anxiety-- like a LOT. and i remember her telling this story about how her sister (who died before i was born) told everyone she walking home from school one day and a cardinal landed on one shoulder and a bluebird landed on the other, and my grandma truly believes her to this day, that that actually happened. she trusted her sister's reality over her own doubts that that's a possible thing to have happen. it's like social constructivism to the extreme
idk where im going with all of this but i feel like the core part of incorporating anxiety into your system (instead of letting it take over) is to accept your own personhood and perspective in a way and to allow other people to adapt to your perspective sometimes, like as a form of respect for yourself and them. and to accept that there will be parts of yourself that are not understood by others or yourself. idk maybe this is an obvious thought but to me it's big
4/30/2023
out of my funk, at least mostly. my paper that's due tomorrow is coming along steadily. i also got a new phone-- very much needed. i was still paying manually for texts, calls, and individual gigabytes of data. i covered my new phone with stickers that look like a grandma designed them a few days ago. hit me up if you need fuzzy cat stickers
my boyfriend was also here this weekend :) we had a picnic in the park and ran around trying to keep a bunch of motherless ducklings from running in the street. he set a date for when he's officially going to move to stl. really excited about that. long distance is hard
i also need to start going to events again. i love it once plans have been made and im out and around people. but i feel like ive been prepping for finals and job-searching so much that any anxiety on top of that has felt like too much to handle, and coming out of that self-inflicted isolation can feel daunting. ive made so much progress in reducing my self-doubt in the last 6 months but i still think i have a long way to go
but the good news is that i think if i spend 2 hours shittily hand-tailoring a skirt that i bought like a year ago then all of my problems will go away.
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(oo)
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✫ 4/28/2023
in a little bit of a funk today. i was gonna go to the open mic tonight but i truly just want to work on a paper i have due on monday and then hang out with my bf and watch a dumbass movie. i set an intention to not cancel plans too much a couple weeks ago, but im also trying to listen to what i need more. im trying to balance those two intentions.
i need to meditate more. i was consistently meditating in march and it made me feel more like i could settle into a flow and experience new things with less anxiety. i feel so restless and gross and short-tempered lately. partially because i want to move out so bad but with my scholarship job starting soon i won't have time to work enough to be able to afford my own place. and the idea of working over 60 hours a week plus school doesn't seem doable. i wish i was closer to being done with my degree! i just want to have my own place and time for myself in the evenings.
i was gonna apologize for complaining so much but i think i needed a place to vent for a sec. thanks for reading my thoughts :)
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(oo)
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✫ 4/18/2023
broke no menstruation april :/ i used to get such inconsistent periods up until pretty recently and i feel like im still adjusting to them at 22 years old. lol
nervous about conference presentations. imposter syndrome is imposter syndroming
i think ill go to the concert this thursday. i rlly struggle to go to things after my classes bc after 3 hours i usually just want to go home and vegetate. but ill be so busy this weekend and next week and i want to feel good community energy !
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(oo)
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✫ 4/16/2023
i feel like i havent floundered in forever. hello again flounderers :)
updates:
-had a real nice time on wednesday with new(ish) friends seeing lucky shells and a couple of other bands :)
-cried in my car for an hour after a really intense therapy session on friday. i love my new therapist so much.
-my sister and her bf came in town this weekend and it was great. i miss her. we talked for a long time last night about gossip and work and how i designed the perfect society while high. it's nice to talk about your parents and have everything be understood.
-i have so much work to do this week. i have so much finals prep and a bunch of essays & im also trying to find another job before summer. i also have two conference presentations this week, and ive never even presented at a conference before. they require a lot of prep. im intimidated! i also have to miss the splash pad show and the sorority house show this week bc ill be out of town :( bummed about that
-on top of all of this i still am doing a lot of emotional caretaking for the person i mentioned in my last post. it's getting really exhausting. they consistently step over boundaries and need constant reassurance nonetheless. this person takes up so much of my time and energy that working or putting energy into any other social interaction feels more difficult. i wish they would just deal with their issues in therapy!
sorry for the downer ending and the very long update! i hope everyone is having a nice night.
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(oo)
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✫ 4/12/2023
like 12:30 am:
love the moon. she's full of love
12:29 pm:
having the first real peaceful day in a long time. the last few days have been a blur-- ive been rushing to finish a thousand tiny assignments for my lab and my classes and someone im related to has needed a Lot more emotional care these last few days.
when this person in my life needs my help i feel drained. i love them. but they need help that i cant give them and i know that they probably wont ever go to a professional for it. there's a support group for people in my situation once a week at my old preschool. weird that it's there.
i want to watch a nature documentary and get super high
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(oo)
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✫ 4/10/2023
floundering in class! i am rebellious and unstoppable
had a job interview this morning for trader joe's. this is probably dumb but ive decided to apply exclusively to jobs where the prospect of doing them doesn't make me want to die. might be a tall order but trader joe's fits the bill. even though the store itself is cold something about the place is warm. one of the very few externally nice examples of american capitalism (though im sure they nuke baby bears or something at some point in their production process).
i want to go to a sorority house show this week. i have a class on thursday but my professor just reads off of slides the whole time in class anyway and i have access to the slides, so i don't feel bad about skipping it. also want to go to a show under an overpass on wednesday. the spring sun and warm weather is making me feel social and motivated. like a plant.
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(oo)
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✫ 4/8/2023
had a lot of fun at a birthday party for a cat last night (if you're reading this, happy birthday freya!)
this morning i helped my parents with some yard work. i used to hate yard work so much as a kid but now i think it's nice to be working outside and with my body. i think i needed the sun too.
ive noticed that my horoscope has said pretty consistently that i mix up intensity with intimacy, and i think that's really true for me. trying to teach myself to appreciate little moments and peaceful connections without expecting inherent tension!
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(oo)
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✫ 4/6/2023
drew a mini zine panel thing last night. it was the first time ive sat down and made art since finishing my last painting class in december. it was great to have the time to do big and time-intensive art, but letting my art be small and cartoon-y and not for a grade is freeing.
ive been itching to do something new creatively though. i think it would be cool to direct and shoot a short film ive been thinking about for a while this summer, but idk where to start! ill work on a script and maybe it'll stay just a script. and that's fine. process > destination.
i have a class tonight that is very boring but after that i think ill go to the concert at the splash pad :)
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(oo)
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10:33 PM
my class ended up running almost half an hour late and i was exhausted so i decided to just come home. ive been not going to a lot of things that i want to go to lately just because in the moment i feel shitty or tired. setting an intention to follow through more when i set plans for myself
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(oo)
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✫ 4/4/2023
i heard that the open mic night was great!! great job @ everyone who read ur poetry-- im sure u guys did a rlly good job :) sorry i couldn't be there!
i found out this morning that i got a scholarship job that i really wanted but didn't think i would get so im excited about that. it'll be too much to handle with a full-time job, so ig im relieved that i get to stop looking for one. i interviewed for one yesterday and it was a 9-5 job with a weekend shift every other week at a minimum and regular holiday shifts...yikes. it's also been super hard to find a job that isn't sales, intense caregiving, or requires 5 years of experience. gonna look for less intense jobs now, like coffee shop jobs and stuff like that. my perfect job would be somewhere with baked goods and a good community vibe.
was able to successfully take a photo of cows a couple of days ago without a shotgun getting pulled on me! it's the little things
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(oo)
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✫ 4/3/2023
migraine + period starting = not a nice feeling :/ considering missing the open mic night tonight but i don't think im contagious and i missed the last big event i wanted to go to. ive also been sick so much lately-- maybe it's because ive been working with kids? idk. weirdly i wish i could go swimming which usually is like, the opposite of what i want to do when im not feeling great. i wish i had a swimming hole to go to like they have in 70s teen movies
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(oo)
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✫ 4/1/2023
hungover! yay. my worst hangover symptom is almost always the emotional side-- i get really bad hangover anxiety. i also have a toothache out of nowhere. but im going to eat pasta tonight with nate :)
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(oo)
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3/31/2023
pineapple rain is happening :) my favorite weather
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(oo)
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✫ 3/30/2023
my life has been research preparation and literature reviews and studying, and it's nice to have a week off for spring break.
my horoscope says that the general theme of my life rn is that im going to be making new relationships that deviate from old patterns and like...yeah. i feel like im finally learning to make connections that don't activate my anxious attachment like crazy.
i have two job interviews next week! i really want to get some savings so that i can have my own place. one of the jobs im interviewing for is for helping kids who are neurodivergent and i really want that one. i love the idea of my job being something that actually makes the world better instead of feeding corporate greed, and i think i could really help some kids.
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(oo)
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✫ 3/28/2023
ive been applying to jobs today which is a process i absolutely hate, especially the parts where you have to upload your resume and then manually put in when you worked and where. im excited to have consistency in my work though. the inconsistency of being a sub is exhausting. (also ive been applying to hr jobs so i hopefully will make a little more money than i have been lol)
im tired of living with my parents. they hate that i go into the city so much, but i love the city! im hoping that my future job gives me more independence. slowly working towards the goal of moving out.
i may go to a concert at the sinkhole tonight.
/
i have to go to a thing for my baby cousin-- it's a "project night" at a weird church. sounds culty to me. but apparently it's a big deal to him. it sucks bc i really wanted to ask ppl to go w me to the concert tonight. :/ trying v hard to be supportive and not be a pissy baby about it but failing
/
leaving a lot of updates today lol but the project night absolutely rocked. i was expecting it to be a religious conservative thing but it wasn't and the projects were so cool! my cousin did a project about fungi! it was awesome! and i was thinking about fungi yesterday too! look how cool it is:
im still kinda sad abt missing the concert but im glad i went :)
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(oo)
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✫ 3/27/2023 2:04 PM
i have a really nasty migraine at the moment. in bed eating oatmeal and watching a documentary about fungi. it's crazy how something like a fungus can be so disgusting and beautiful at the same time.
ive been kinda discouraged about knitting just because i keep getting worried about messing it up. i wish i had some kind of a knitting group to knit with. it's a little ironic how im not investing much time into it because im worried about wasting the time i already have invested in it. i feel like that says something about me.
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(oo)
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✫ 3/26/2023 1:52 AM
stayed up very late oops
having a v nice weekend so far with thrifting and iced tea and good beer and spring finally coming. i also did well on my midterms :) i really wanted to do well in my master's program so that i can get a phd if i want it later but the more i think about it, the more that sacrificing 4 years and a lot of financial freedom for an extra degree seems unnecessary.
it's really convenient to be able to pick up whatever shifts i want as a sub but also im realizing that i think i need a more consistent schedule, because wow, it's really easy to let a week go by and not do anything, especially when there aren't shifts consistently available! also the job doesn't exist in the summer. im gonna start looking for coffee shop jobs tomorrow i think. but now i need to sleep.
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(oo)
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✫ 3/23/2023 3:36 PM
two midterms today! thankfully they're both online and open note but still stressful.
feeling tired. excited that my spring break is next week though. im probably going to go up to jeff again for part of it but i also want to hang out in st louis for part of it.
after graduating in december ive felt a little isolated since most of my college friends are in jeff or como, and im trying to put down roots here. im feeling a lot of self doubt about coming off as self-absorbed or annoying, & frustration with how much anxiety i get in new situations. im trying to be patient with the parts of myself that are so self-critical since i know they're trying to protect me from rejection. but ugh. growth takes so long!!
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(oo)
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✫ 3/21/2023 9:50 PM
baby's first bong rip + i need to remember to wear my retainer more
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(oo)
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✫ 3/21/2023 5:10 PM
omw back to stl from jeff city i stopped like halfway through to stretch my legs and look at sheep. so i pulled into a driveway (i parked, like, as close to the road as possible and the driveway was as long as a football field) and a woman came out with her dog and deadass a shotgun and yelled at me to get off their property...lol. anyway i did not get shot and am now at home.
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(oo)
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✫ 3/19/2023 1:40 PM
currently at my bf's house :) his dad asked me straight up if i like weed, lol, so i partook (thankfully not around him because i hadn't had any in months and it hit me like a truck).
we walked around an abandoned memorial home yesterday before remembering that our friend got in trouble for trespassing recently around that area so we ran away :(
ive been realizing how negative my social mindset is! my therapist is incredible. i didn't realize how much work i have to do on myself and tbh it's daunting. im v impatient and the work is so so so slow!
there's not a ton to do in jeff-- ive mostly just been studying, hanging out with nate's dogs, and driving around. the world moves faster in the city than it does in smaller towns.
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(oo)
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✫ 3/15/2023 4:34 PM
decided i like my new haircut!
about to go out of town. i decided not to go to an event i was looking forward to bc of an ongoing headache and not wanting to drive super late. a little bummed about it tbh but i feel like it's the right thing given the circumstances.
feeling a little anxious that im overall too much or too boring for ppl! might talk to my therapist about anxiety medication
excited about seeing my boyfriend and wishing everyone i love lived in the same place.
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(oo)
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✫ 3/14/2023 10:45 PM
i have had a headache since sunday.
looking through my previously written poetry im realizing that all of my poems are depressing and i used them to get through the shit i was going through. ive experimented with happy poetry a little but honestly i feel like it all comes off as cheesy and silly. gonna dip my toe into silly poetry.
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(oo)
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✫ 3/14/2023 5:40 PM
got a haircut, started a knitting project for the first time since like 3rd grade, and bought a rlly fun sweater. im trying to embody the energy of spring but the time change has me exhausted. i also think i like the haircut but it gets in my eyes a lot. not sure about it yet.
im going out of town on wednesday! im going to an open mic night thing first and then im gonna drive up in the night. im a little sad that im missing another weekend in stl bc it seems like so much is happening this week but im very excited to see my bf :)
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(oo)
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✫ 3/12/2023 1:49 PM
my sister left earlier. missing her already. im also getting a migraine because im on my period. overall feeling tired and a little scattered.
i want to make plans with friends this week but i might be going out of town on wednesday (which is fun and im excited to go, but it disrupts my routine a little).
i found something thrift shopping that reminded me of a friend, and i think im going to offer it to them the next time i see them. im usually a pretty bad gift giver, but im feeling good about this.
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(oo)
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✫ 3/10/2023 6:18 PM
in therapy earlier my therapist was concerned that i was feeling anxious because i looked tense around my shoulders. i had to explain to her that i was wearing a boiler suit under my sweater and it was restricting my arm movements. lol
my sister's coming in town tonight! excited to see her. ill definitely cry when she leaves on sunday. i miss having her in the same city as me.
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(oo)
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✫ 3/9/2023 10:52 PM
sleepy, a little tipsy, and wrapped in a blanket atm. had good beer and went to a good concert with a friend. feeling peaceful.
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(oo)
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✫ 3/7/2023 11:37 PM
second journal update in under an hour! wahoo
really itching to do some body modifications. i want to do:
i want to make my body feel more like it's mine and less like im preserving it for someone or something else, if that makes sense. i did read somewhere that you should wait until you're 25 to get any permanent stuff done because the prefrontal cortex developing fully can really influence you, but im fairly confident i'll always like snails
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(oo)
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✫ 3/7/2023 10:52 PM
had a good time collaging with friends tonight :) it feels good to get out of the house for not-work reasons in general but the community and the crafts were nourishing to my brain. i wanted to get high there but im still not sure whether or not ill be drug tested at any point by my job (idrk how to ask anyone if ill be drug tested without outing myself as an evil devil worshipper who smokes weed lol)
i was gonna pick up a day at work tomorrow subbing but it looks like the only jobs available are for kindergarten or 8th grade, and my mom told me that the 8th graders at that particular school are supposed to be absolutely out of control, so i think im going to take a rest day and feel okay about it.
internally tho im not feeling okay about it. capitalism has really ingrained the need to be productive in me. im trying to remind myself that living with my parents is a tradeoff-- it can be exhausting, but that also means i get the privilege of taking time off work when i need (or want) to since i dont have bills (besides one electric bill, but that's another thought for another flounder update).
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(oo)
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✫ 3/6/2023 3:12 PM
in my counseling classes we're talking about how to format therapy notes, and one aspect of them is the external signs (ie, if they're slumping, flat affect, etc) vs their explanation (what they say). i think i might start formatting my flounder diary like that? not as harshly delineated, but kind of that general vibe.
external thoughts: tired. wrangling high schoolers for 8 hours is hard. grateful that my future job will not be like this. feeling bad for my sister who does this every day and i feel like im starting to understand why she's so exhausted a lot of the time.
internal thoughts: idk if it's the high schoolers rocking my confidence but i feel like im not really sure where my place is in some of my friends' lives. i think my anxiety stems from not feeling super wanted. im gonna try to work on that in myself.
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(oo)
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✫ 3/5/2023 8:27 PM
my horoscope this week said that i would have "unexpected visitors towards the end of the week or weekend," and my aunt, cousins, and grandma all showed up out of the blue earlier like clockwork. i always have the best conversations with my aunt that nourish my little heart and the most body-critical conversations with my grandma possible. i love her though.
i hung out with some new friends on friday and had a great time dancing poorly to an amazing band called sister dynamite and eating carrot cake pancakes. i hope i can see them again soon. i also wrote 2 mediocre poems this weekend and submitted one each to two of my favorite lit spaces. feeling productive and tired at the moment.
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(oo)
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✫ 3/3/2023 2:12 PM
just got back home from therapy! i really love my new therapist. it's interesting to me how much emotional growth simultaneously feels satisfying and like shit. it's like picking a scab.
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(oo)
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✫ 3/3/2023 12:33 AM
just remembered that the word "amateur" comes from the word "amour"-- to do something for the love of it. yesterday i learned that the word "companion" comes from "com," meaning "with," and "pan," meaning "bread." a companion is someone you eat bread with! amateurs do things because they love them! etymology is cute sometimes
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(oo)
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✫ 3/2/2023 1:49 PM
i had breakfast with a new-old friend today (we knew each other in middle school and high school but we're reconnecting now). i also told her about flounder and she seemed like she was into it. if you're reading this, hey stella! :)
i feel like, at the beginning of every new season, if im not depressed, i decide that that season is my favorite season (except for winter, which just feels like a worse version of fall to me). im getting that feeling about this coming spring. after deleting tiktok a few weeks ago, i can feel my brain settling into grooves more easily and wanting to do things like reading and writing and playing guitar. ive also started going on more walks. i think my brain needed the vitamin d.
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(oo)
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2/28/2023 10:49 PM
earlier today, my mother and i cleared old leaves and dead plants out of the bushes and emerging perennials in our front yard. it's always frustrating to me how many little bits of dead leaves and general imprecisions there are that get left behind in yard work, even though they eventually, invisibly, melt back into the soil. i feel like yard work is a lot like working on your own mental health in that way-- it's never quite as satisfying as you want it to be, it's seasonal, and there's sooooo much time involved. im trying to remind myself of that-- to be patient with myself.
i hope my therapist stops having the flu soon.
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(oo)
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✫ 2/26/2023 4:40 PM
i just got lunch with a classmate and it was lovely. i didn't realize there was as big of an age gap as there was-- she's 35 and i'm 21. we talked a little bit about how she's adjusting to online classes and discussion boards, since those didn't exist when she was in college. it's fun and strange to talk to someone who is your peer while also having the knowledge that they were in college when you were in elementary school. i think we have a lot in common, though, and talking to her was really fun.
i ended up getting the flatbread at the restaurant we were at-- i confused flatbreads and open-faced sandwiches in my head, i think, and i ended up getting basically a whole ass pizza. i have leftovers for the next 3 days.
it's also my birthday in a week and a half ish, and honestly i'm dreading it a little. i don't have a solid group of friends to invite to something yet because none of my friends really know each other.
with that said, i'm in a place of making new friends, and i feel very lucky that i've really clicked with everyone i've reached out to. i'm excited to see where these new friendships will go, no matter what happens during pisces season. <3
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(oo)
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✫ 2/26/2023 12:46 AM
i was looking at some ascii art to make my homepage (i think it's called a homepage, at least) look more interesting and i stumbled upon this:
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(oo)
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bug
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(o-)
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bug winking
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(@@)
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bug w/hangover
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(xx)
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dead bug
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(--)
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sleeping bug
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( )
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blind bug
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(OO)
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bug after seeing a female bug
(i hope that formats right)
something about it is very charming to me. this site and the ascii art and talking on the phone with my sister all together make me feel nostalgic. staying in the same room i grew up in and substitute teaching at the schools i went to when i had braces and a bowl cut don't exactly hurt the effect.
i went to the dmv yesterday and there was a man standing closer to me than i felt comfortable with and he was asking a lot of questions. i didn't know how to tell him to leave me alone. afterwards i felt:
- guilty for not standing up for myself
- guilty for not being friendlier
- guilty for feeling guilty about not being friendlier because it doesn't feel particularly feminist of me
- guilty for feeling guilty about not feeling feminist enough because i was the one who was uncomfortable!
i guess that's something to unpack in therapy, but my therapist has the flu rn so flounder gets to see it instead.
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(oo)
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