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August 29th, 2023

Today I watched some videos about country folks in the middle-east listening to Carl Sagan's "Pale Blue Dot" speach. It really was something. The speech itself was something I'd heard before remixed on a lofi track of the same name, and it made me feel good knowing where it finally came from now. The track itself is very good, amazing guitar. I really like it. The video after that was showing them 'Hurt' covered by Johnny Cash. I've listened to it a number of times, and each time it brings tears. I feel pain, or hurt, nearly every day. I feel like sometimes I'm in this valley, trying to climb out of it, without any knowing of why or how I end up back there in the first place. It's kind of like the greek myth about the guy who is forced to push a rock up a hill over and over again. Somedays, I look at my Aderall prescription and wonder how many it would take to kill me, and other days I'm glad it is there because I can actually focus, be attentive, and remember things. The discipline not to listen to the voice that tells me to end it all is really really difficult.

Today I was thinking out a poem, something along the lines of

If aliens were to come, and I was the first they found
Oh what joys, what a honor so profound.
I would want to show them the world, from place to place,
the sights and sounds would know no bounds, here in this
vast place.

But what comes to mind, not at all asinine, would be the sadness of this place.

The places and towns and roads abound, none could compare to the sadness all around.
The sadness from broken dreams, broken hearts, and broken minds, would be wherever we would go.

I would explain the anguish, and the pain to the best that I would know, and hope that somewhere
empathy would begin to grow.

I would explain the heartache, and the axiety that we all face day to day, don't what we don't want to do
just to make ends meet.

I would explain the divide that exists, from those in power and those in not, and exclaim that those who
were in power and those who are, are furthing it.

I would explain that we've hurt our home, the only one we've ever known, all in the name of capital
and sometimes in the name of vain.

I would explain that in all of those things lies a person, many persons, all of whom have dreams,
ones that may yet come to fruition, and others down the drain.

I would explain it all, the colorful tapestry of life, and then I would ask if they too lived that life.

I would ask about their faith, spirituality, and their cause.

I would ask about their loved ones, their enemies, and about their home all without pause.

Nothing in my world would delight me more, than to learn about these alien beings,
Because deep down I know, they all want the same thing.

Today I daydreamed about my death, and how it might look if it was to take place in the near future. So many faces came to mind that I've grown to love over my short years. I imagined them all there, dressed in black, head to toe. I imagined my wife, in tears as they lowered me into the ground. I imagined all of those people who I've been able to be blessed to be in their lives, Tony, Abigail, my family, my fraternity brothers, Max, Chess, Shane, Dallas, Hayleigh, Aunt Tish, Ryan, Ryan, Brandon, Tucker, Erik, John, all of them, sitting there, wondering why I had to go so soon. I imagined a tv beyond where I was laid to rest, where I told them "Please do not cry, I don't want you to cry. I want you all to be happy, happy about the times we spent together, both good and bad. Happy that I got to live life, that I was able to achieve many of my dreams. I want you to take that and go farther than I ever did. I want you to find your will, find your purpose, and manifest it in our world, to help others in need, to try your best and be the person God wanted you to be, because I know that I did. And before I'm laid to rest here forever, I want to part with you with a song, contrary to Toni Cloud's cringe at it, I think it would fit best."

And as they laid me into the ground, "We'll meet again" would begin playing. I believe in the concept of rebirth, that the people I've met in my life were those that were there before, and I've just continued to meet them over and over, each on our own path towards Nirvana, especially my dear Abigail. I love you honey.

Until we speak again whimsical strangers. Remember that God loves you, stay hydrated, and always remember to cherish the moments.