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12.26 #2
this year i pledge to focus more on my blog
12.26 5:49p
took today and tomorrow off work, today i did a puzzle and watched talented mr. ripley and im about to smoke a mini joint on the way to the library to celebrate the end of christmas and almost end of my makeshift christmas break
12.24 5:12p
having a really good christmas eve tbh
had a dream last night that i crashed my car into a lake on the side of the road bc i had to swerve away from a car coming head on at me. i moved fast and got everyone out of the car before it sunk but afterwards i was so embarrassed. i thought āitās okay because this is a dream so iāll wake up tomorrow and it wonāt be realā but i fell asleep and woke up in the dream and my car was still in the lake and i was like fuckkkk
12.21 8:12a
canāt stop hearing dj khaled saying ājurlyā in my head this morning
12.20 7:35a
yesterday was my one year work anniversary and they coquettified my desk <3
today is my review and they're gonna tell me how much my raise is gonna be eeeee
have really not been wanting to go to shows recently, which i feel guilty about bc there's a bunch i really want to go to but i can't make myself go. im reevaluating my relationship to live music bc i think it became commonplace. but in the new year i think i will start back up.
i took the day off work on monday and went to a climbing gym in soulard with two friends. it was my first time and i was better at it than i expected. but today i am still so sore that it hurt to click the button on my toothbrush hahahahahaha
had my one year review meeting with my boss and he said iām his favorite :D (SECRET DONT TELL ANYONE) but i got a bad score for my flexibility :( i hate change so deeply that it is impacting my work ethic this is getting crazy
watched may december last night #atedown
i should probably see someone about the intrusive thoughts i have but i always have a hard time making a big deal out of things if i donāt fully fit that mental illness demographic. like what if im appropriating ocd culture
got a raise today but i feel hollow bc my boss criticized me. this feels like it stems from something evil, like i have to be the best and i need them to tell me i did nothing wrong. i even agree with him about my weaknesses but iām feeling thrown off. iāve been feeling like iām doing something wrong all the time recently and i hate it. i feel like im not responding quickly enough to people and that my responses leave something to be desired. i donāt even really think thatās true, i just canāt shake the feeling. the other day i got nervous that people were mad that i donāt react to their BeReals ever. that kinda woke me up bc really who could ever care about that. i keep looking forward to new years, like thatās the end of these specific anxieties. i am good about shedding a behavior or thought pattern if make a ritual of it, so im hoping it will work. but i think i am starting to drive myself crazy with my belief that by listening to my intuition i can make everything perfect.
keep coming back to this damn review but apparently several of my coworkers said that they feel like weāve been friends for many years which is a really important compliment to me. i really care about people feeling like they can let their guard down around me, i like to feel close to everyone.
like from idiās st louis poem :
with everything else
i believe in sweetness
i am determined to love everyone unconditionally
love, to me, is knowing someone
i want to know basically everybody
i want to learn everybodyās name
and be a regular everywhere
i believe itās possible to trust everyone
through understanding
and i think a sun can form anywhere
and particles do all sorts of wild stuff
all the time
(end)
was going to be abridged but i love it so much
it is one of my favorite poems ever. i have never related to a poem more. it almost feels like i wrote it.
i think so many nice thoughtful things about people all the time but i donāt tell them because i convince myself that they will think itās weird, but i love it when people remember things i told them months or years ago. especially when they say that it made them think, and then they tell me about the application to their life. and i have all kinds of those for people. people are always saying things i find interesting. so i am going to try to talk about those things more often, so donāt get scared (mostly directed towards me)
something good is that i feel more secure in the fact that i am actually friends with people here, not just because i am around a lot but because they like me. which feels awesome
12.15 1:06p
teens of denial is the best album of all time truly!
someone is letting my roommate take home a giant box full of snacks home from work today. we will be FEASTING at the party iām giddy!!!!!
i canāt wait to see everyone tomorrow i used to get nervous for hosting parties but i canāt wait to be in a room with all these people that i love i canāt imagine anything better!
12.14 9:12a
tried the new grapefruit kombucha, 2/5 stars. will not buy again
12.13 7:38a
ugly christmas sweater day at work today but mine is cute
excited to go celebrate evilswampmonster's end of semester tonight :)
i need to stop by CBGB to pick up a pack of vintage cigarettes for my roommate's birthday tomorrow
saw Dream Scenario last night with blake and it was awesome. horrifically painful secondhand embarrassment movie though, i wish i had been prepared
i gave him part of his christmas gift last night and he really loved it, it was very sweet and made me feel good. sometimes when im away from him for awhile i forget how he is and then being with him again startles me because he really is a better person than me. he has a stronger moral compass and he steers me in the right direction without even really thinking about it that much. i think that's a rare relationship dynamic maybe. yesterday we ate dinner in my bed and watched half an episode of survivor before pausing to talk for hours. that's how it always was in college, we said we were bad at watching tv because we always had to pause to talk
12.10 11:45a
cried real tears at the taylor swift movie. literally wtf
taking from this experience that i should go see more movies alone
12.9 12:26a
getting excited for my housewarming party. when i describe flounder people to my roommates im always saying stuff like āand theyāre the coolest person ever, to meā
sydney told me about this 2000ās sitcom she watched where the mom was telling a story about all these people and her daughter had no idea who she was talking about so she said āi donāt know any of the characters in your story!ā and now thatās a bit she has with her mom
so what iām looking forward to is retiring my roommatesā sense of āi donāt know any of these charactersā when i talk about flounder
i do think itās really important and polite even to make sure everyone participating in a conversation is engaged in the topic. if youāre talking about something in a group that the rest of the people donāt know, you should have to contextualize it and then explain it before you proceed or else everyone loses the plot and gets bored. so thatās what iāve been conscious about recently
12.8 8:45a
i have a rude question to ask someone. it will either make me look like an asshole or make everything make sense
Ā
12.6 7:16a
there are so many books i want to read. there's an alarmingly good free neighborhood library one street over from me. they have trendy new releases and good old stuff like noam chomsky. free libraries are funny bc it's a lowkey class signifier. i live by washu so i there's some crazy stuff in there. i feel very lucky abt that
blake is coming home on monday weāre gonna be watching sooooo much survivor
12.4 12:13a
went up to kirksville to see my boyfriend and i canāt stop thinking about him. i forget that i love his personality, i feel electrified
11.29 7:12a
went to see Saltburn last night at Alamo Drafthouse and my seats were right next to @princessjesus and friends which was a wonderful coincidence. it was the perfect movie to me, i loved it
have been soooo anxious recently idk what my problem is
haven't been sleeping well because baz (roommate's cat) wants to fall asleep with me at night so i keep my door open now. i usually fall asleep immediately and stay asleep but now i kinda toss and turn. but i really like how i wake up in the morning and he's sleeping with his little paws on me :') i will sleep with the door closed tonight and see how it goes
Ā
11.26 10:18p
dreading going back to work tomorrow bc i have to have a hard conversation with someone and iām really worried about it. she sits right next to me and does something that makes me want to die and iāve been having stress dreams about how iām gonna tell her to knock it off
have been feeling so depressed recently! have not really felt that since starting welbutrin awhile ago so that suuuuucks :( but i used my home alone days to do 6 loads of laundry, scrub the baseboards, deep clean the bathroom, make a collage invite for the party, get rid of a laundry basket of clothes, and change my summer clothes out for winter clothes. so i feel better! it was nice to have a long chunk of time to get everything done. i hope i stop feeling like this soon
11.24 6:16p
watching the curse. purchased paramount+ with showtime in order to watch bc nathan fielder is my #5 celebrity crush
thanksgiving was good & lowkey. now i have my own house completely to myself for tonight and the next two days, no one has ever needed this more
@idi :D thank you, youāre too kind. if youāre going to the algae dust/orange foods show i will try to bring it then!
oop scratch that i will be in kirksville that weekend
11.21 7:06a
told idi i was going to bring him a book to the zine release and i forgot to do it. all day i was reminding myself and then i didn't :'( and i got upset about it because i was never like that as a kid and i vowed to never be one of those adults that says they're going to do something and then doesn't. it used to really bother me because everyone says they will do all these things and barely of it really gets done. and i see myself as someone who doesn't do that, who Remembers, so i'm annoyed at myself. but i've been having a bad week so i will let it slide this one time.
talked with sophie on the way home last night about how she didn't understand alex's poem in the zine so i described how he is as a person and it inspired her to stop talking to the man on hinge that she's not attracted to and to start working on her own poetry. like woah. a woman after my own heart. maybe we both need to work on idealizing people. but for now i will allow it because it's leading to positive changes in her life
11.20 12:21p
need to make a cute invite for my housewarming party dec. 16th. trying to get them out by wednesday. if anyone has an idea for how to design a graphic for my housewarming party (dec 16th btw) lmk
11.15 10:15p
dropped my phone into the stair stepper at the Y and it was disastrous. i tried to grab it before it was swallowed into the machine and i hurt my shoulder kinda and it scared me so bad that i almost threw up. like wtf
have been having crazy bad luck this week. the hot water dispenser at work is so hot that you canāt even hold a cup with a cardboard sleeve without it still being painful. and i spilled some all over my arm a couple days ago and i still have a big ass scar š i had to file an incident report so they can turn down the temperature and i had to help the security guard type it up bc she started with āEmma Ingle was just trying to enjoy her day when suddenly..ā it was very sweet
anyways i am thinking of making a rule of not having any substances during the week. i am transitioning into my indoor cat mode. like evilswampmonster i am having a real bad depression hole week. what i want & need to do for awhile is go home and do laundry and read and knit. i have no business being out that much right now. i worry sometimes that live music wonāt be as fun when i donāt like weed anymore
11.14 10:29p
idi it is also the tiredest week of my life
i want to go to ann arbor soon. or vermont or washington. and i want to go with noelle! but i feel like we canāt go without our housemate M even though we both really donāt wanna travel with her. how to explain to someone that me and noelle just have crazy good travel chemistry. i kinda want to tag along with one of my sisterās trips again, i think having noelle there would balance it all out. she was in puerto rico from wednesday thru sunday and i feel much better that sheās home. i believe she is the one person who could be liked by everyone in the world. weāre gonna get up early on saturday morning and go to antique malls for things to add to the living room. i finally got our paintings hung over the weekend so now for the fun part of decorating :)
i think one of my coworkers is freaking in love with me and he keeps dming me drake lyrics on teams itās a crazy vibe
11.11 12:32a
URGENT: is there a show tomorrow night at all. i have some unexpected guests arriving tomorrow that i would like to entertain
when i post on flounder and itās quiet for hours: i have silenced the room
when iām posting on flounder a lot and a ton of people start posting: i have stimulated the flounder economy
11.9 6:51a
good morning everyone! i'm feeling good today. i'm seeing slaughter beach dog tomorrow with Caleb from Marble Teeth and we have been discussing our strong opinions on the setlist so much that i've been having dreams that they play all the wrong songs. yesterday he said "we're discussing this like it's foreign affairs" lol
have been feeling kinda self conscious recently. usually it's easy for me to talk to anyone, but right now it really feels like i'm just making up things to say on the spot. all conversations are improv, but i hate the times where i'm more aware of that. but i think it's ultimately good since everyone has been saying that they feel socially off right now. i'm at least in stride with other people.
went to visit baby again and he's really perfect. and im not just saying that, i'm trying to find something about him that's a downside and there's none so far. i've never heard him cry, when i hold him his eyelids flutter because he's in REM sleep. my family really wants him to be athletic so they were discussing which sports he should play
and he started to fuss when they mentioned golf. thank god
i learned that a baby's first poop is tar-like because everything that was feeding them in the womb is so natural that they don't create as foul of waste. and then when they're breastfeeding it doesn't smell as bad because that's also natural and of God i guess. and then when they start eating food made by humans everything gets grosser. i can't get over how poetic that is. i love talking about those kinds of things with my parents, how they can casually talk about how everything of humans is wickedness, and the only good and pure things can come from God. they acknowledge this and move on, it's kind of amazing. that's the thing i like about devout Christians, they will say some of the deepest and most thoughtful things you've ever heard in passing in a conversation and then move on. i think it's bc they're thinking about it a lot and reading the bible so they're learning stuff all the time. i really respect that.
it makes a lot of sense that my brother is a dad now. i love hearing him talk about the baby, i can tell that they'll have a really playful relationship. isaac is a very serious, frowny baby and he said yesterday that every time he's holding him and belly laughs he gets startled and frowns so deeply that his whole face becomes a long line and he looks like a cyclops. the baby looks identical to him, it's almost scary
Ā Ā
11.7 9:18a
my brother's baby was born today! his name is isaac thomas. i'm leaving work to go to the hospital soon. can't think about anything else. he's fr cute, not just "this is my family member" cute
thank you for the kind words everyone :) he has old man face and you can see in his eyes that he's thinking. he's very intriguing to me. it seems like he's going to be an easy baby but we will see. had to go back to work after and i'm feeling emotional :')
11.5 10:57p
tweet from @fuglibetty
āpoliteness being a salient sign of sociability & associated with the friendly & affable individual, but actually functioning as the mist which separates each soul from true emotional connectionā
11.5 6:03p
breaking my rule of only posting early morning. get ready for a whole new vibe
went to the show last night and had a good time! invited some coworkers for whatever reason and felt like i was gonna throw up beforehand. ended up being chill. my friends were there so i just hung out with them mostly. hahaha
realized that when i interact with anyone from flounder i feel like we are closer friends than we maybe actually are. i feel intimately close & comfortable with the people whose blogs i read everyday. i worry that im overstepping but i canāt help it! but i think itās probably a good thing. i like it at least. itās nice to feel known, especially with little effort. hung out with idi which is always so fun, i feel like i come up with a kernel of something funny and he brings it to fruition. i love being around people like that, i feel very comfortable saying anything around him because it feels like he always knows what iām getting at.
question for the culture:
oneās gotta go
ā¢libertĆ©
ā¢Ć©galitĆ©
ā¢fraternitĆ©
went to grantās farm today with my friends, enterprise paid for every single expense so it was awesome and perfect. the older i get the more often i have wonderful beautiful days where nothing bad happens and iām happy. anyone else agree?
11.3 7:10a
living an introvert's nightmare. have had something going on every day after work recently and im overwhelmed. i want to start talking less just to give myself a little break. i overcompensate for other people's awkwardness by being a chatterbox and it's hard to turn that off.
my ex made a pass at me while we were camping in arkansas with all our friends and i said "what about your girlfriend" and he said "you know it's hard for me to connect with people" wtfff
so now i feel like i have a moral dilemma on my hands bc i would want to know if my partner was speaking like that about me? but i also dont want to get involved. he said he thought my boyfriend of two years was only to make him jealous. so i don't want me stepping in to be interpreted as making a play bc i want him to leave me alone. this has been making me grumpy all week
and not to be a downer but one of my work besties is applying for a wfh
in our company. we're a threesome and i cant imagine work without her, it just won't be the same and im grappling with that. i feel like i've been cheating life by having fun roommates and good friends at work, but it feels like that's coming to an end. i always feel like that fb post that's like "only 6-8 weeks left" and someone comments "until what?" and he says i don't know. that's exactly how i've felt since moving to st louis, like everything is so good but just around the corner it will change. so im trying to not internalize that this is the start of everything going wrong bc it absolutely is not. im gonna go learn to knit tonight in creve coeur and all will be well.
excited for the house show tomorrow
10.23 5:08p
staying late at work so i can go right to dinner with my family in the suburbs. i wanted to go to milque toast yesterday but couldn't make myself leave the house. that's been happening more recently, i will repost an insta story for an event and then not show up. i couldn't get myself to shower either so i fell asleep on the couch reading series of unfortunate events (reptile room) and took myself to bed at 10:15. allowing myself to act depressed for this week only because im camping with my college frisbee friend group this weekend in arkansas and i need to get all my angst out now.
10.20 7:23a
can't stop thinking about evilswampmonster's poem. so good.
went to washu to play ultimate frisbee and it was good. the campus is really full, everyone's out and about. it makes me so jealous that i didn't go there. i think my life would be very different in a bad way if i didn't go to Truman, but i still feel sore about this kinda
10.12 10:15p
dropped my phone in the parking lot of kirksville Caseyās and now my bluetooth is skipping in my car and on speakers š might finally have to get a new phone. or swap it for another SE. would that be crazy?
9.27 7:14a
work has been so vibeless recently. or maybe it's mostly me. instead of going on a walk when i get home i've been rotting in bed. hoping that it's a momentary moodiness. to try to feel better last night i cleaned my room, vacuumed the house, did an everything shower, and finished reading the DFW essay A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again. Didn't want it to be over because it's so freaking good. I wish he made it a full book instead of a 100 page essay, I want to live in that world
9.26 8:44a
girl with fish is my album of the year i think
9.12
having a weird coworker situation. i think i am emotionally attached to my workplace in a very real way bc some of my best friends are there and i do the same task every single day which iām good at, so iām addicted to the consistency. iām having trouble not developing intense interpersonal relationships with these people because it feels dangerous to be so wrapped up in it. but what can you do when you see someone every day for the majority of your week? thatās something i didnāt expect when i entered the job market. i wonder if i am just the sort of person who these kinds of things happen to. people have been telling me that i have horse girl energy, but that that label doesnāt feel right. i think itās my intensity, we are similar natured. fine by me
9.5 10:46p
does anyone know any good college radio stations to stream? listening to a good one on KXSC right now. country is the new wave, which surprises & delights me!
asked my coworkers to go out on friday to celebrate someoneās last day at work and everyoneās being shy about it but i canāt tell why. thought we were cool like that so idk. played in the front yard/neighborhood park with noelle after work to shake it off. we threw the frisbee and shot hoops sharing one basketball and now iām feeling normal again
9.4 2:23p
thinking about how ztbd was asked (/begged) to go to burning man this year and said no. and now thereās biblical misfortunes happening there. ztbd im glad youāre safe from the flesh eating shrimp
my new roommate is good and her cat is much much sweeter now than he was so my worries were for nothing :)
7.29 2:13p
moving tomorrow! packing today. would love to be doing Anything Else
7.17 4:58p
pardoner show got cancelled :( or at least pardoner is not showing up. so i will be taking a bath tonight!
6.13 11:53p
i did ultimate frisbee in college for social reasons and now iām doing a rec league on tuesdays and i realized today i am still only doing it for social reasons. that field has probably never seen such a miserable lady. i get such unbearable anxiety for this one game every week which does not matter at all. why
except today the russian kidās mom said she would give the team $300 per win for the season. at the end we total it all and split it. we did not win because we were playing 40 year old men who might be professionals. everything i say re: frisbee is pathetic so iām gonna stop
im gonna work on my 1000 piece puzzle tomorrow after work and iām very excited about it :)
bit sad about ted kaczynski dying. the manifesto is good, everyone should read it
iām going to pitch a somewhat outlandish plan to my supervisor tomorrow about changing a couple peopleās state assignments so that i can have the one i want. i used to do all of florida but then i split it in half with this girl that i canāt stand. recently acquired iowa and i hate it so much that i canāt bring myself to do any of the work. im going to try to offload iowa onto my florida partner and reacquire the entirety of FL. itās the question of easy work but lots of it vs annoying, tedious work but not too much of it. my strength is the former. so wish me luck
6.1 10:45p
sorry i have been quiet! feel like i have nothing to say these days. my thoughts feel dull. i always get this way at the beginning of summer, it must be some sort of mental bloating from all the sun.
had a dream about carving on a skateboarding a couple weeks ago and iāve been desperate to find a board. was standing in the check out line at goodwill this week i said in my mind āhey guys can everyone pray that i find a skateboard soonā and then i spotted one behind the counter. so sick. it has cruiser wheels exactly like in my dreams which is weird but theyāre too heavy for me to do tricks. at least for right now
anyways. i have been sad on and off these days. 90% im going to sorority house show tomorrow. have been getting overwhelmed recently so i reserve the right to stay home.. but i want to see marble teeth and reggie pearl so bad!
5.19 11:37p
going to the experimental show tomorrow ft mere and zach, really excited about it. was explaining it to some people at work and they were intrigued
5.14 8:20pm
i know i am a superstitious person but ever since i bought this copy of american psycho in spokane everything has been bad. i listened to this podcast about bennington college, where donna tartt and bret easton ellis attended & where hampden college of the secret history is based off of. the host said she read american psycho and was so repulsed that she picked up the copy between her thumb and pointer finger and threw it in the garbage, not wanting it in her home. the night josh passed away i put the book on the balcony and iām letting it get rained on, destroyed beyond recognition. there are certain things you just need to do to feel better.
blake is doing better, it feels like he is back in his own body. for awhile it felt like he was miles away. i think waking up next to him on friday and both of us crying separately, him not wanting to be touched and me needing to practically seep into him, was one of the most difficult moments of my life.
not asking ādo you still like meā challenge
level: impossible
but now itās okay. weāve been splitting our time between both of our families. he met my grandparents for the first time this weekend. my grandma is a huge fan.
iām trying very hard not to develop separation anxiety. the mind does funny things when dealing with grief. iāve been trying to outthink tragedy, plotting how to make sure that nothing bad ever happens to him again. i find myself genuinely believing that i can figure it out sometimes. my strategy before was to be so well meaning that life feels bad about giving us a poor hand. but blake is a better, smarter person than me and he still got the full brunt of it. so that fucking sucks. he doesnāt even do these paranoid thought experiments, he just deals with it. watching him go through this was nightmarish. iāve never been so in love with anyone in my life. i donāt think anyone has ever been in love this much. my small little brain just canāt imagine that. itās nauseating, when you feel so full of love for someone and their whole world is collapsing.
happy mothers day
5.13 7:20pm
my friend died this week. he was blakeās roommate. putting aside my own grief to comfort blake has been a profound and humbling experience. probably wonāt be around much so if you donāt see me thatās why
5.5 8:47pm
still sick! the capillaries on my face have burst from throwing up, giving me red gorgeous freckles on my face. i want to look like this forever but if i feel like this tomorrow it will permanently throw off my vibe
4.27 9:32pm PDT
iām in freakin washington right now. went to work this morning but now iām in spokane. went to the cemetery and saw dozens of wild turkeys sitting in the giant pine trees and cried a little. itās been years since iāve been to a cemetery without seeing an animal. the older i get the more certain i am that God is real & has a sense of humor
4.19 7:32pm
i was under the impression that my coworker was fired last week until she was seen online editing my spreadsheet today?! according to the version history, sheās been getting on every day of the work week. i have no idea what sheās doing because the job is entirely paperwork and is impossible to do from home. i attempted to communicate by writing messages in the cells, to no avail. felt eerie, like i was trying to speak to someone in another realm. no one will say what happened to her, the last time i saw her she was running out of the office crying
4.19 8:25am
birthday was monday! first time in several years that i havenāt cried. the trick is to not put so much pressure on it. i went to work and had dinner with my family and talked on the phone at night. it was a pleasant day and that was enough
4.16 8:58 pm
ones to watch: funkengine is 3/3 with album recommendations
4.16 2:03am
my nightmare blunt rotation came true tonight but i still had fun. which points to the fact that i stay winning
4.15 3:16pm
one of the rats iām petsitting for died before i got there today. it occurred to me as i put her body in the freezer that this is the first time iāve smelled death. i went to the mbg for free this morning and i walked around feeling like i needed to cry. it started pouring rain and i read my book in a little hut until it stopped. then i walked around Shaw feeling inexplicably bad. when i called Erin to tell her that Phoebe had died, i admitted to her that i knew that something like this was going to happen today. she said she did too.