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WARNING!!! WARNING!!! PLEASE READ!!! VIRUS INFO!!
Please note! The following new computer viruses
have been detected. Please be alert for them when
you scan your computers.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive
suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly
expands back to 200MB.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself
a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an
"electronic microorganism."
PEACE CORPS VIRUS: Toughest virus you'll ever love.
AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you
what great service you are getting.
MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you
that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus
does not horse around. It warns you of
impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN,
twice if by C:>.
BILL CLINTON VIRUS: Promises to save your
disk, then once installed, does what all of the
other viruses tell it to do and ignores its
installer.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly
stating, "Read my docs....No new files!" on the
screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free
space on your hard drive with new files.
AL GORE VIRUS: Undistinguishable from the
directory tree.
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus,
but it refuses to run.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and
stays resident. It'll be back.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from
spawning any child process without joining into
a binary network.
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but
all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but
it makes a lot of people really mad just
thinking about it.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's
infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14
percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5
percent margin of error.)
TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't"
whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort"
"Retry" "Fail" message.
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than
any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes
out of your Apple.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up,
screen splits erratically with a message
appearing on each half blaming the other side
for the problem.
AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data
is in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed
with marrying its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few
minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and
lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at
shopping malls and service stations across
rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to
become a paper shredder.
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you
buy new cables, power supply and a set of
shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be
found again.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on
the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't
allow the user to accomplish anything.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down
as an act of mercy.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song
(slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts
money from your Quicken account and spends it
all on expensive shoes it purchases through
Prodigy.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places
where no virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a
day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill
for $4,500.
CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50
machine perform like a 286/AT.
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent
mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but
you still love it.
ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS: Claims that if you don't
send it a million dollars, it's programmer will
take it back.
RETURNED PC VOLUNTEER VIRUS: Still the
toughest virus you've ever loved.
Use your virus scan, don't let any of these
viruses happen to your PC!