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April 4, 1991
100DYING.ASC
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100 Ways to Avoid Dying
By: Tim Clark
MS-Dos Version By: Peter Schwab
Article from: 1990 Farmer's Almanac
Doctors and scientists are always telling us ways to live longer.
Usually they involve a healthier diet or lifestyle: that is, eating
less fat and more vegetables and fruits, getting more exercise, or
giving up smoking.
We wholeheartedly endorse these rigorous and unpleasant methods of
extending life, but our research into centuries of American folk
wisdom has turned up 100 EASY ways of avoiding death by observing a
few simple rules in everyday situations. These beliefs come from all
over this country and were actually collected by students of
folklore and anthropology.
None of them were made up. Just remember: if you fail to observe
these rules, we won't be responsible for the consequences!
HOUSEKEEPING HINTS
1. Don't take ashes out of the fireplace or wood stove between
Christmas and New Year's Day.
2. Never place a broom on a bed.
3. Close umbrellas before bringing them into a house.
4. Avoid sweeping after sundown.
5. You mustn't wash clothes on New Year Day.
6. Don't shake out a tablecloth after dark.
7. Never wash a flag.
8. Don't turn a chair on one leg.
9. Keep cats off piano keys.
10. Don't hang a dishcloth on a doorknob.
11. Sweeping under a sick person's bed will kill him or her.
12. Don't ever, ever rock an empty rocking chair.
RENOVATION AND DECORATING
13. Never add-on to the back of your house.
14. You mustn't cut a new window in an old house; the only way to
avoid fatal consequences is to toss your apron through the
new window, and then jump through it yourself.
15. Never drive a nail after sunset.
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16. Don't move into an unfinished house.
17. Avoid carring axes, shovels, and other sharp-edged tools
through a house; if you must take one inside, always take it
out by the same door.
18. If you move out of a house, don't move back into it for a year.
19. Don't hang your sweetheart's picture upside-down.
20. If a picture falls from the wall, don't pick it up.
21. Never carry a peacock's feather into a house.
22. Keep cut flowers out of bedrooms overnight.
23. Don't ever carry a bouquet of wildflowers indoors before May 1.
SEWING AND FASHION
24. If you cut out a new dress on Friday, you must finish it that
same day.
25. Don't make new clothes between Christmas and New Year's Day.
26. Never hold a stick in your mouth while sewing.
27. Always sew cross-stich on your underwear.
28. Don't walk around in one shoe.
29. If you see a will-o'-wisp while out walking at night, turn
your coat inside-out.
30. Never wear another's new clothes before they have worn them.
31. A woman who makes her own wedding dress will not live to wear
it.
COOKING AND TABLE MANNERS
32. Never set three lamps on a table at the same time.
33. Don't set the table backwards.
34. Never serve 13 at a table.
35. Avoid drinking coffee at 5 o'clock.
36. You mustn't write on the back of a dish.
37. Never return borrowed salt.
38. Don't ever cross knives while setting the table.
39. Be sure that someone else cooks your birthday dinner.
40. Don't put two forks at one place setting.
41. Never, never turn a loaf of bread upside down.
SLEEPING
42. Sleeping with your head at the foot of the bed is surely fatal.
43. Don't sing in bed.
44. If you hear a dog howl at night, reach under the bed and turn
over a shoe.
45. Don't count stars.
46. A man should never dream of a naked woman; a woman should
never dream of a naked man. (You know who you are...)
PERSONAL HYGIENE
47. Never rub soap on your skin on a Friday.
48. Don't look into a mirror over another's shoulder.
49. Avoid combing your hair after dark.
50. Absolutely no haircuts in March.
51. Let a baby's hair and fingernails grow until their 1st birthday.
52. Don't let two people comb your hair at once.
53. Never shave at night.
54. NEVER, EVER share a razor used by a dead man.
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FUNERAL ETIQUETTE
55. Never hold a funeral on a Friday.
56. When a person dies in a house, you must immediately cover all
mirrors and stop all clocks.
57. Children should not pretend to have funerals.
58. Don't ever try on a mourning veil.
59. Always remove a dead body from a house feet first.
60. Never ride in a hearse, unless you are the driver.
61. Don't count the cars in a funeral motercade.
62. Avoid wearing new clothes to a funeral, especially new shoes.
63. Pull the shades in a room where a funeral service is taking
place: if the sun hits a mourner's face, he is the next to die.
64. When walking in a funeral procession, don't look backwards.
65. Never point at a grave.
66. Try not to step across a grave.
67. Never leave a grave open overnight.
68. Don't ever be the first to leave the graveyard after a funeral.
69. If a corpse lies unburied on Sunday, another in town will
surely die soon.
70. Wait a year before putting up a tombstone for a family member;
if you don't, another family member will go before the year
has ended.
GENERAL AND MISCELLANEOUS
71. Drink May rainwater.
72. When sick, don't look in mirrors.
73. Don't give a person a peony.
74. Never measure your own height.
75. Try not to imagine it's Saturday when it's not.
76. Don't count cars on a passenger train.
77. Never whistle in a coal mine.
78. Avoid measuring a person who is lying down.
79. Don't walk backwards.
80. You mustn't allow a candle to burn itself out.
81. Never sell a dog.
82. Try not to kill a crow; but if you do, be sure to bury it
while wearing black.
83. If you transplant a cedar tree, you will die by the time it
is big enough to shade a grave.
84. The same is true of a willow tree (as in 83)
85. Don't ever hang your hoe on a tree branch.
86. Don't skip a row when planting corn or beans.
87. If you watch a person out of sight, you'll never see them again.
88. Avoid stepping over a person who is lying down.
89. When your name is called, don't answer the first time-it may be
the Devil calling you.
90. Never shake hands through a window or over a fence.
91. Try not to sit with your back to the fire.
92. Don't burn sassafras wood.
93. If you walk with your hands locked behind your head, it will
kill your mother.
94. Don't even THINK of mocking an owl.
95. Don't store your shoes above your head.
96. Never kill a locust.
97. Never kill a lizard.
98. If you hear a hen crow, you must kill the hen.
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99. If you are on a train when a woman boards, dressed in black,
get off.
100.Whatever you do, don't let a lizard count your teeth.
Hoped you liked this!
-Peter Schwab
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