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Men and Women are not alike!
Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have
proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the
following topics, these facts have emerged.
Relationships:
First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -
he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a
semi-regular basis".
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
her girfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots".
Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say,
"I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never
forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want
you to know there's always a chance for us". This is known as the
"I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men
have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer
courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely
prove effective.
Sex:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds
of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the
foreplay.
Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading
baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This
is why high school romances rarely work.
Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, coloured stationery and they dot
their "i's", with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large
loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note
from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face
at the end of the note.
Bathrooms:
A man has six items in his bathroom - a tootbrush, toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel form the
Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's
bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these
items.
Groceries:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
and buys these things. A man waits till the only item left in his
fridge are half a lime and a Blue. Then he goes grocery shopping.
He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the
checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's
car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from
going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
Going out:
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out.
When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready
to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her
makeup...
Cats:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women are't looking,
men kick cats.
Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
and favourite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man
is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Low Blows:
Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One
of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That
must hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain.
Dressing up:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for:
weddings, funerals.
David Letterman:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth.
Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.
Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about
eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally
out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a
U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always
expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.
Weddings:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
Men talk about "the bachelor party".
Socks:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have
picture of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
Nicknames:
If Gloria, Suzzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they
will call each other Gloria, Suzzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if
Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.
(From Guys & Gals BBS - Vancouver 435-6662)
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