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/* NBCS - V1.9.1 The Natural Bears Classification System */
/* */
/* A classification system for bears, and bear-like men */
/* Version 1.9.1 3/24/1991 */
/* Authors: rdonahue@spdcc.com and jls2@bearhug.UUCP */
/* (Bob Donahue = BBC) (Jeff Stoner) */
/****************************************************************/
Because "Bears" mean so many things to different people,
because bears come in all shapes and sizes and have different sexual
proclivities, because classified ad prices are SOOOOOO expensive,
we (while eating lunch at a Boulder, Colorado, Wendy's on Thanksgiving
weekend, 1989) came up with this incredibly-scientific system to describe
bears and bear-like men.
Since we both have interests in astronomy, we are well-versed in
star and galaxy classification systems, which use prototypes to set the
standards for describing things. Rather than just saying something is of
"Type I" or "Type II" (etc.), it is better to use natural features to describe
an object, in particular as a continuum of a range of features. Such is
the case with bears.
------------- T H E C L A S S I F I C A T I O N S C H E M E -------------
The most obvious characteristic of a bear is understandibly
his facial fur. So, that is the most logical place to begin. Using
a capital "B" to denote "BEAR", we have added a sub-class characterizing
"beard type" which combines a bear's beard's length, thickness, and
overall "keptness", numbered from 0 to 9 and defined in the following
way:
0 - (Little/no beard, or incredibly sparse) Such a beard is
the absolute minimum that could ever be classified as a
beard. We're talking 5-o'clock shadow, here! And yes, we
are of the opinon that the beardless can still find
company among the ursines!
1 - (VERY slight beard) This is the kind of beard that people have
who want to have a beard, but can't grow one.
Or someone who is contantly at the 1-week phase.
2 - (Slight beard) A beard kept VERY short at all times, or
thinned out.
3 - (Thin beard) A beard in all respects but kept thin
and short.
4 - (Mostly full) A beard that is full except for a few noticable
bald spots, or kept trimmed.
5 - (Full beard) A full beard not generally trimmed, though not
generally bushy. May have a few bald spots on inspection.
Usually full and roundish beards fall into this category.
6 - (Very full) A full beard, not trimmed. May be slightly
bushy but very full. Thick, full beards (moreso than B5's)
are B6's. B6's beards also generally are higher up on
the cheeks than B5's.
7 - (Longish/bushy beards) A full beard or slightly thin beard
with longish fur. This beard is not trimmed and does come
away from the chin.
8 - (Very Long Beards) These beards are usually very bushy and
haven't seen clippers for a very long time.
9 - (Belt-buckle-grazing long beards) The prototype is ZZ Top.
Need we say more?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ok... Using this scheme, it shouldn't be hard to narrow a person
down to within 1 sub-class, although occasionally people may fall between
two classes, and then the end result is left up to the person classifying,
or one may use a hybrid designation (for example: B7/4) for those who vary
across time (in the given range they spend more time near the first number).
---------- O T H E R C L A S S I F I E R S F O R B E A R S -------------
While beards can be an observable trait of bears, there are other
things that different people take into consideration as to "what makes up
a bear", and things that people like in their bears. So, bearing that in mind
(pun intended) there are other criteria that can/should optionally
follow the "B" designation.
N.B. It is not necessary to have a "grade" for each of these
traits! For each there is a "neutral" value, which basically describes
someone who is "average" or "unknown" within that trait. These "neutral"
values are given below, but would not be reported --- treat them as either
"default" or "assumed".
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
f - "The FUR factor". Some bears are particularly hairy about the
rest of their bodies, others INCREDIBLY furry, yet others
though rightfully bears, have little or no fur on their
chests, arms, legs, back, butt, etc. So, one of the
following may be added to better describe a bear's fur:
f++ WAY above average fur
f+ above average fur
f furry in a bearish sense
(none) "neutral", avg. fur from a sample population of
both bears and non-bears
f- below average fur
f-- WAY below average fur--"Nair-smooth to the max!"
t - "the TALLNESS factor". To describe bears that are tall or
short for their frame.
t++ a virtual giant bear
t+ taller than average
t tall but not very tall
(none) average height
t- shorter than average
t-- a bear of very small stature
w - "the WEIGHT factor". For those who perfer their bears more
or less fluffy.
w++ a round bear/BIG TEDDY bear
w+ a big boned bear
w bear with a tummy
(none) average weight for frame
w- a thin bear (otters!)
w-- a bony bear
c - "the CUB factor". For the junior up and coming bears.
c++ complete daddy's boy
c+ definite cub
c cub tendencies
(none) not "cubbish"
c- looks like a cub but isn't
d - "the DADDY factor". For the cubs, etc.
d++ DADDY with a vengenance (even his parents call him SIR!)
d+ definite DADDY
d daddyish tendencies
(none) not a daddy
d- looks like a daddy but isn't
Note there are now also HYBRID classes "cd" and "dc":
cd A cub with "daddy tendencies"... Sort of like
a "grown up cub".
dc A daddy with cub-like tendencies/features.
dc- More daddy than cub
d+c REAL daddyish and also VERY cubbish
(etc.)
g - "the GROPE factor": This is the amount one likes to be touched
or pawed etc.
g++ Love to grope/paw/touch etc. Will attack without
warning. Gives hugs to hot otherwise unknown bears
on the street in open daylight.
g+ likes to be touched most of the time
g Generally outgoing with ursine affection, a little
more reserved about place/person...
(none) Average amount of receptivity to being touched
g- Generally doesn't like people to invade his
personal aura/lair.
g-- You touch my bod, I break your face!
k - "the KINKY factor"... for those who dare.
k++ likes just about EVERYTHING... we mean *EVERYTHING*!!!
k+ picks and choose according to likes; willing to consider
new ideas
k open minded. Might choose SOME things on the "menu"
(none) kinky neutral
k- has definite ABSOLUTE dislikes
k-- totally vanilla
s - "SEX (ok, SLUT) factor: In SOME people's bear codes, "s" might
really mean "k" (since "k" WAS originally "s" in the earlier
versions...).
s-- strictly monogamously/relationship oriented. No
outside affairs, or in some cases, sex ONLY in
relationships
s- relationship oriented. Perfers a formal sort of
relationship over playing around, however the
scope of the word relationship is not defined here.
(none) relationship neutral
s neutral wrt to relationships/monogamy.
s+ will form relationships which are generally open-ended
s++ strictly polygamous, prefers very open relationships
ONLY.
m - "the MUSCLE factor"... for those who like meat on them bones.
(N.B. "semi-"official --- may be dropped w/ V2.0)
m++ Arnold Schwartzineger is that you?
m+ definitely works out or is a ranchhand
m some definition/blue collar
(none) muscle neutral
e - "the ENDOWMENT factor"... sometimes a size queen's gotta do
what a size queen's gotta do.
(N.B. "semi-"official --- may be dropped w/ V2.0)
e++ gets complete respect even from straight men
e+ gets attention
e noteworthy
(none) endowment neutral
h - "the BEHR factor"... for behrs (men without beards but bears).
You might also put a parenthesized number for the "B"
designation to give an idea of WHAT the person would
look like with a beard.
h behr (moustache no beard)
h+ Definite BEHR (moustache no beard)
h- no beard OR moustache! (very rare but still
cave dewlling)
r - "the RUGGED/OUTDOOR factor".
r++ "Grizzly Adams"
r+ Flannel/jeans/C&W really *are* second skin
r Spends some time outdoors/camping
(none) rugged neutral
r- prefers indoor-type activities (techie or 3-piece)
r-- never seen in the outdoors at all.
p - "the PECULIAR factor"
p Some idiosyncracies --- no judgement made to
whether these are "good" or "not so good"
q - "the *Q* factor (ahem)"
q for people who look like bears, but
"when they open their mouths, yards of chiffon come out"
ADDITIONAL PUNCTUATION
The following aren't graded, they are just flags attached to the
overall classification:
v for variable, said trait is not very rigid, may
change with time or with individual interaction
(e.g. some guys who are generally REAL daddies,
may turn into REAL cubs occasionally, etc.)
? for traits where there is no HARD information
available and the value is completely guessed
at: eg. a picture of a hot bear that LOOKS like
a rugged outdoorsman, r+? but in reality could
be a 3-piece suit bear.
: for traits which are observed but uncertain,
eg. a guy who is wearing a lot of clothes, so
you can't be SURE he's an f+, but his forearms
REALLY suggest that he is, hence f+:
! for cases where the trait is as close to a
prototype as possible, or an exemplary case of
a specfic trait... eg. the ultimate f++!
() for indicating "cross-overs" or ranges. A guy
who goes from k to k++ depending on the situation
(ie mostly "k") could use k(++)
You can make the punctuation as detailed as desired, although
the best ones to read are the ones which are the most clear and
simple to understand.
NOTE: None of the classification materials in any way suggests a ranking or
value judgement, in terms of what constitutes a "better" bear. Every
person has their own favorite type!
----------------- S O M E S P E C I F I C E X A M P L E S ----------------
The authors:
Bob Donahue B5 c+ f s-: w t- r k?
Jeff Stoner B6 f+ w sv w r+ k(+?)
A sampling of our joint classifications of other mailing list folks...
Steve Dyer B5/7 dvcvc f++ t- w+ k- (the shoulders get the f++)
Brian Gollum B4 k++ s: c?- t- w++ r- p
Ken Dykes B8 s+ f+ m t w e+ r p
"Furr" Madison B7 f+ t+ w- e+ k+ cv
Rob Boldbear [a/k/a Bernardo] B2 f+ t- dvcv sv w- m+ r+ p g+
Jay Schuster B3 c f- s+ w- p?
Bob Rowe B4 m s+ r+ e (Jeff trying not to put +++'s)
Notables from Bobby...
Wilford Brimley: B0 h w+ d+ k? f (OK I'm wishing for an "k")
Hacksaw Jim Duggan: B6 w+ t+ k+? m++
Lyle Alzado: B3 w+ k+? f-- m++ e++ (so I'm told)
model in 4/84 HONCHO: B6 w d+? r+ f+++! <---- an exceptional case
Dan Blocker: B0 h- w m+ d+ f+ r++ t+
Notables from Jeff...
Dan Seals: B4 r+ d f+? t+ k+? (wishful thinking!)
Randy Owen: B5 r+ f+? w- m e? k++? (more wishful thinking!)
So let's hear some feedback on this! It's been a little quiet around
here lately. While we wait for more to come along, here's an appropriate
classification for the season:
Santa Claus B8 d++ f? w++ k--?
Enjoy!!! From half of the states required to make the "Four Corners" exist...
-----------------------------------------------------
Added note: We're still working on this... Some bears
have asked that we extend the system to include "beard parameters
like thickness, length, kemptnmess, etc...., so inevitably "VERSION 2"
will be done... I have run across a bear or two that for me defied
"good classification", mostly because of the beard. So... we'll see.
Have fun!
BBC