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: THE LAYMAN'S GUIDE :
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: FEDERAL AGENCIES :
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CIA: STANDS FOR CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY. THIS GROUP IS
RESPONSIBLE FOR INTERNATIONAL INTELLIGENCE GATHERING,
AS WELL AS THE SPREAD OF DEMOCRACY, NOT TO FORCE IT
DOWN THEIR THROATS...
WASHINGTON, D.C. (703) 351-1000
NEW YORK CITY (212) 755-0027
CHICAGO (312) 353-2980
LOS ANGELOS (213) 622-6875
BOSTON (617) 354-5965
MIAMI (305) 445-3658
HOUSTON (713) 229-2739
ST. LOUIS (314) 621-6902
DON'T ASK ME WHAT THEY NEED OFFICES IN THE U.S. FOR...
DOD: STANDS FOR DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE THESE ARE THE BOYS WHO
RENT OFFICE SPACE IN THE PENTAGON... THEY ARE THE
ARMED FORCES, HERE TO PROTECT US FROM THE VILE ARMIES
OF OTHER NATIONS...
PENTAGON (202) 545-6700
DARPA: STANDS FOR DEFENSE ADVANCED RESEARCH PROJECTS AGENCY.
THESE ARE THE BOYS WHO MAKE WEAPONS FOR THE
MILITARY. THEY ARE VERY UP ON PARTICLE BEAM
WEAPONS, LASERS, MISSLE TRACKING, AND EVEN
BIOCYBERNETICS (THE DIRECT INTERFACING OF MAN AND
MACHINE-IMAGING HACKING AS FAST AS YOU CAN THINK
ABOUT IT... THIS HAS POTENTIAL).
ARLINGTON, VA (202) 694-3007
NSA: STANDS FOR NATIONAL SECURITY AGENCY. THESE ARE THE
BRAIN BOYS, THE THINK TANKS FOR THE THE MILITARY. IF
YOU HAVE NIGHTMARES, THESE PEOPLE ARE THE ONES WHO
SHOULD BE STARRING. THEY ARE THE GOVT. COMP. AND
TELECOM EXPERTS.
SOMEWHERE IN MARYLAND (301) 688-6311
DOJ: STANDS FOR DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE THIS IS THE COURT
SYSTEM, HOWEVER I DO NOT AGREE WITH THEIR IDEA OF
JUSTICE (WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FROM A MAN WHO THINKS G.
GORDON LIDDY IS COOL?).
WASHINGTON, D.C. (202) 633-2000
FBI: STANDS FOR FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATIONS. THESE ARE
THE NOSY PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO BUST IN DOORS.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT, MOST OF THEM KNOW NOTHING ABOUT
WHAT THEY DO SINCE THEIR COLLEGE DEGREES ARE IN
ECONOMICS AND ACCOUNTING AND THE LIKE. FRANKLY, THESE
GUYS DON'T SCARE ME... THEY ARE PRETTY DUMB, AND ARE
TOTALLY OUT OF THEIR CLASS WHEN IT COMES TO COMPUTERS.
WASHINGTON, D.C. (202) 324-3000
(A SIDE NOTE: LOOK AT A TOUCH TONE PAD. 324 EITHER SPELLS
'FBI' OR 'FAG'. I WONDER IF SOMEONE IN THE
TELCO HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR?)
DEA: STANDS FOR DRUG ENFORCEMENT AGENCY. IF YOU WAKE UP ONE
MORNING AND THERE IS SOMEONE DIGGING IN YOUR 'GARDEN'
IT IS THEM. THEY DON'T LIKE YOU TO ENJOY YOURSELF, OR
ENGAGE IN A LITTLE RECREATIONAL SOARING...
WASHINGTON, D.C. (202) 633-1249
DOS: STANDS FOR DEPARTMENT OF STATE. WHEN YOU HACK THE
RUSSIAN COMPUTER, THEY AREN'T PLEASED, ONE OF TWO
GROUPS WILL KNOCK AT YOUR DOOR. THE TELCO OR THE
STATE DEPARTMENT. THE KGB IS A GROUP OF GUYS WHO ARE
VERY GOOD LIARS AND VERY GOOD AT READING PEOPLE. THEY
KEEP WATCH FROM THE EMBASSY...
WASHINGTON, D.C. (202) 655-4000
DOT: STANDS FOR DEPARTMENT OF TREASURY. THROW AWAY THE COLOR
XEROX MACHIN WHEN THESE PEOPLE KNOCK, SINCE THEY DON'T
LIKE YOU PASSING BAD BILLS. THEY KEEP TRACK AND PRINT
ALL THE MONEY IN THE COUNTRY (EXCEPT FOR A FEW FRIENDS
OF MINE WHO...)
WASHINGTON, D.C. (202) 566-2000
SS: STANDS FOR SECRET SERVICE. FOR THE MOST PART, THE
SECRET SERVICE PROTECTS THE PRESIDENT (THAT'S WHY WE
HAVE LOST A FEW), GRABS COUNTERFEITERS, AND USED TO
BUST MOBSTERS.
WASHINGTON, D.C. (202) 535-5708
(NOTE: DO THE INITIALS 'SS' MEAN MUCH TO THOSE OF YOU UP ON
THE NAZIS????)
ATF: STANDS FOR BUREAU OF ALCOHOL, TOBACCO, AND FIREARMS.
FRANKLY, I COULD DO WITHOUT THESE DO-GOODERS. THEY
ENFORCE ALL LAWS PERTAINING TO ALCOHOL, TOBACCO, AND
FIREARMS (IF IT WASN'T OBVIOUS).
WASHINGTON, D.C. (202) 566-7511
IRS: STANDS FOR INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE. ARG! THE TAX
MAN! THE ONLY THING IS, THEIR COMPUTER WOULD BE THE
ULTIMATE HACK. THINK ABOUT IT...
WASHINGTON, D.C. (202) 566-5000
THIS FILE IS A PUBLIC SERVICE PROVIDED BY THE KNIGHTS OF
SHADOW.
THE GOVERNMENT IS A PUBLIC SERVICE PROVIDING FOR ITSELF...