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The Book Of The SubGenius
Lunatic Prophecies For The Coming Weird Times
This is not the entire book of the SubGenius. Yes, it contains all
the chapters, and most of the writings are here, but this simple Text
file cannot contain nearly the amount of SLACK that the book has. I have
type the whole thing, under the directive of "Bob" himself, so that you
may gain some insight into the Church Of The SubGenius (TM) and then go
out and by the book. This file also makes a handy reference when the book
is in your excremeditation chambers, where it belongs.
We, the Anonymous Scribes, realize that this file has been written without
the consent of the publishers and "authors" of this fine book, namely His
Greatness, The Sacred Scribe Of The SubGenius Church, The Reverend Ivan
Stang, and therefore this file is illegal. We ask for forgiveness from
This Holy Person, but we also know that this will generate book sales
by bringing the Word O'Dobbs to the remote, hidden SubGenius who know
nothing of their Inner Slack.
So, I'm telling you. This file is not nearly as good as the Book and is
actually an advertisement to sell the Book.
To order the Book, either go to your nearest book store, or obtain it
from the Foundation by writing to
The Church Of The SubGenius
P.O. Box 140306
Dallas, TX 75214 USA
You can order the book for $11.95 + $3 S/H.
There is also an order form at the end of this file, where you can find
out how to receive ordainment and lots of other Holy Junk.
When ordering from the Foundation, please mention That The Anonymous
Scribes provided you with the information. This will help us in our
case. "Bob" is looking out for us, but his perfect imperfection may
cause him to forget us in a lawsuit. Also...Don't say WHERE you saw
this file.
The Book Of The SubGenius
Sometimes a book goes too far.
Sometimes...is NOW.
First -- there was The Gilgamesh
Then... The Bhagavad-Gita
Then... The Torah, The New Testament, The Koran
Then... The Book of Mormon, Dianetics, I'm OK you're OK.
And now...
----------------------- THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS ----------------------
THE BOOK YOU NOW HOLD IN YOUR HANDS COULD CREATE A NEW INQUISITION -
A SELF-PERPETUATING FASCIST STATE THAT WILL LAST TO THE END OF HUMANITY
- OR IT COULD BE THE FOUNDATION-STONE OF THE PROMISED KINGDOM OF PEACE
AND HARMONY. WHICH WILL IT BE?
--------------(How To Prosper In The Coming Weird Times)-----------------
Yes, YOU can rape your own mind. YOU can finally relax in the safety of
your own delusions.
This epipastic for the brains of Epoptics, Beholders, and Initiates,works
an authentic magician's spell that will drive OUT the foreign person-
alities and id-demons. Protected by its own occult roots in the most
extreme forms of para- and mech-psychology, it places the reader within a
"shell" of Weird Phenomena which Must be used for good And evil.
Its system of Mystik Correspondences' has already given SECRET POWER to
the Church of the SubGenius - the world's first Industrial church, the
prophesied End Times cult of screamers and laughers, scoffers, blasphemers
mockers, sinners, and the last true holymen in America today.
KEEP THIS BOOK NEAR YOU - in your pocket, your bathroom, your glove
compartment. Study it. Memorize it. Find within its pages a NEW DIRECTION-
a NEW WAY - a HIGHER yet LOWER REALITY - just as thousand before you have
done!
Copyright 1983 by THE SUBGENIUS FOUNDATION
All Rights Reserved. Printed in the United States
of America. Except as permitted under the copyright
act of 1976, no part of this publication may be
reproduced or distributed in any form or by any means
or stored in a data base or retrieval system, without
prior written permission of the publisher.
I
The Book Of The SubGenius
'Do What Keepeth Thou from Wilting, Shall be The Loophole iin the Law'
The Church Of The SubGenius is an order of
Scoffers and Blasphemers, dedicated to Total Slack,
delving into Mockery Science, Sadofuturistics, Mega-
physics, Scatalography, Schizophreniatrics, Morealism,
Sarcastrophy, Cynisacreligion, Apocolyptionomy,
ESPectorationalism, HypnoPediatrics, Subliminalism,
Satyriology, DistoUtopianity, Sardonicology, Fasciest-
iouism, Ridiculophagy, and Miscellaneous Theology.
"Researching The Public's Fear Of The Unknown Since 1953!"
The TriPrimality:
"Bob" is.
"Bob" becomes.
"Bob" is not.
Nothing is; Nothing becomes;
Nothing is not.
Thus: Nothing Is Everything.
Therefore: Everything is "Bob."
Abracadabra.
II
The Book Of The SubGenius
This Book Was Begun in 1953 by
J.R. "BOB" DOBBS
High Epopt of the Church of the SubGenius
Revised in 1979 by
D. Phigo U. Drummond, 01 Dr. X Rev. Ivan Stang, A.0.
Board Of Directors of The SubGenius Foundation appointed in 1980:
Puzzling Evidence St. Sterno Keckhaver LIES
Doug Wellman St. Janor Hypercleats St. Paul Mavrides
HellSwami John Hagen Drs. for "Bob" Sir Guy Deuel
Pastor Buck Naked Pope David Meyer III Glassmadness
Cookie Drummond F.G.O.T.R. J. Erickson someone else
Additional Sacrifices, 1981, by:
High Priestess Eileen Keller Capt. Hugh M. Smith
Dr. Bootmokus Tribunal Overdrive
Alexander D. Smith Stefan Hammond
Rev. Larry Sulkis Rev. David Boone
Shrendi Chisholm Dennis Keller
Bob Black, St. Byron Werner
THE LAST INTERNATIONAL R. Wollard
Dr. Jay Kinney BurnMartyr Dr.Snavely Eklund
St. Joe Schwind Severn Institute
Pope St. D. Lee Lama St. Poonflang dammerung
Kerry Wendell Thornely Pope Mike Danger
Hector Hilldale Autumn Deuel
Leslie Gaspar Drelloid
tENTATIVELY, a cONVENIENCE
1982 Illiterati:
Dominatrix Candi strecker, Dr. Gary Hughes, Rev. Brian Curran, Rev. Garth
Danielson, Bishop Buhle, Bishop Huey, St. Karen Srego, Mechapope Monika
Vidi, Apostle G. Don Trubey, Fair Use Empire, Pope Michael Flores and The
People's Temple, Sir Hal Robins, Krononautic Organism, Rev. Bob Lee,
Nick West, St. Patricia Daley, Stigmatic Ted Early, Mastress Freddie Baer,
Political Bizarro Luke T. McGuff, Maestro John Crawford, Prof. Mark
Mothersbaugh, St. Becky Block, Radio Popes Kates, Chusid, Brown, Ginsburg,
Nelson & Opinion; John Steakley, St. Rick Hoefle, Will (Lord) Small 888
Final Word Wrangling By:
Rev. Ivan Stang
"Bob's" face and "The Church of the SubGenius" Are Trademarks of the
SubGenius Foundation, Inc
III
THE SOURCE: JEHOVAH-1 (a.k.a. WOTAN, YAHWEH, RA, etc)
THE TEACHER: J.R. "BOB" DOBBS
THE GOAL: SLACK
THE OBSTACLE: THE CONSIPIRACY AND ITS DUPES,
THE NORMALS
THE WAY: THE CASTING OUT OF FALSE PROPHETS
THE WEAPON: TIME CONTROL
SLOGANS:
"Fuck 'Em If They Can't Take A Joke"
"Too Much Is Always Better Than Not Enough"
"Pull The Wool Over Your Own Eyes"
"You'll PAY To Know What You REALLY Think"
"Give Me Slack, Or Give Me Food, Or Kill Me"
"If I Can't Whup It, IPIRACY Go DOWN"
"Bleeding Head Good, Healed Head Bad"
"If You Act Like A Dumbshit, They'll Treat You As An Equal"
"SCIENCE DOES NOT REMOVE THE TERROR OF THE GODS"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
ATTENTION!!!!
DO NOT ALLOW TO FALL INTO ENEMY HANDS
WARNINGS & DISCLAIMERS:
If you think there's nothing wrong with the world, don't buy this book;
if you are offended by your own sick rage when viewing literature alien
to your repressive behavior code, go ahead and Purchase the book, but
DON'T read it.
The Church of the SubGenius may drive you Crazy.
The Roman Catholic Church had driven people crazy, Scientology has driven
people crazy. So have Satanism, Islam, The Boy Scouts, the government of
the United States, Judaism, traffic jams, LSD, the C.I.A., Taoism, kids,
parents, TV, war, and peace. Some people drive themselves crazy.
This Book will not drive Subgeniuses Crazy. It will supply them with
the Slack they need to drive others crazy.
Many idiots will object to this publication. The techniques and secrets
revealed herein have been passed through the headquarters of many terror-
ist organizations (including the FBI and CIA) for years. This knowledge
will also enhance your professional capabilities and aid you in protect-
ing against THEM, but it is not meant for the young or irresponsible.
J.R. "BOB" Dobbs is endowed with the full range of ESP abilities.Although
"Bob's" accuracy has never been questioned by previous "clients." no
SacraMentalist can claim infallibility. With "Bob," especially, it is
only a matter of time before he falters in a big way; he is farther from
so-called "perfection" than most of us could be if we worked at it.
Therefore, "Bob," his associates, promoters, empolyees, sponsors, agents,
followers, and writers must disclaim all liability to all person or
groups who act upon ESP impressions given by word of mouth, print, tele-
IV
DISCLAIMER & WARNINGS CONTINUED....
phone, film, tape, or holograph recording now or in the...the future. The
Secrets of the Elder Gods are not offered in an attempt to persaude any
peson of the supernatural powers of rites, rituals, amulets, talismans,
seals, incantations, or other ideas and devices mentioned herein. No
magical claims are made and medical problems should be attended by lic-
ensed physicians.
IGNORE THIS: FNORD: To practise and preach the same things is utter mad-
ness. Sometimes communication must be made More Difficult and Irritating
Than Necessary, in order to conve certain dangerous complexities. The
knowledge must not fall into the wrong hands.
"SCIENCE DOES NOT REMOVE THE TERROR OF THE GODS"
The SubGenius knows that a Godlike alien space monster calling himself
"Jchingh-1" Is watchig us and making us dance like cheap puppets for His
own ends. he demand that we worship Him, and so we surely must.
And if you say that the SubGenius is deceived, that there is no alien
God of Wrath, then the SubGenius will attack YOU! you are wrong; we are
right; WOTAN told us so and we believed it. Alright? Now roll over and
go back to "sleep"...(By "God's Third Leg," you'd think these humans
didn't know what religion was For!!)
A note about the word "he" as an alneurpose pronoun: we use it
because constantly saying "he or she," "s/he," or "it," sounds STUPID.
However, notice also that while JHVH-1, God, Jesus, and a few others
are called "He" with a capital H, "Bob" is merely a "he." These spellings
are in accordnace with the express wishes of the respective deities. "Bob"
de-deifies himself whenever possible to counterbalance the tendency of his
followers to go overboard.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Church is not responsible for the actions of individuals which may
result from their mere possession of this Book. Any resemblance by char-
acters in these pages to any person, living or dead, except where intend-
ed for direct satirical purposes, is strictly "Coincidence." That's
right, it's all a big joke! Ha ha! "The Conspiracy" - what a laugh! Ha
ha! 3,000 children starving to death in Mexico City every day, ha ha!
Radio- active waste canisters rotting in the ocean! Ha ha ha! Mind
control by horrible secret societies - yuk, yuk, yuk.
CAUTION - MAY BE HABIT FORMING. Do not drive motor vehicle or
operate heavy machinery while under the influence of this book.
V
PROPHECY CRUSADE
WE THE SUBGENIUSES OF THE POST-HUMAN RACE, in order to preserve life on
this planet from immanent destruction, reestablish intelligence, regain
Slack, cast out the False Prophets, smother forever the fear of fear
itself, receive the questionable gifts of the Beforelife and of the
Space Dwellers, become as Overmen, unmask the Conspiracy, grip the reins
of human evolution, control reproduction and mutation, decipher the Code
placate the Stark Fist of Removal, achieve Time Control, see That Which
Must Come to Pass, become as gods, find the Twin with the Scissors of
Sight, aver the Rupture of the Equilibrium, and secure the financial
blessings of Jehovah-1 the God of Wrath for ourselves and our descend-
ents, do hereby admit ourselves as such and thus ordain this Advertise-
ment of the SubGenius Race of Earth.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
CONTENT
Ch. 0 TruthStinger Barrage.......................................1
Ch. 1 Don't Laugh................................................5
Ch. 2 The Miracle of "Bob's" Tyranny............................16
Ch. 3 Earth Is Hell.............................................NA
Ch. 4 The Curse of "Bob"........................................NA
Ch. 5 The Secrets of Slack......................................NA
Ch. 6 Creative Truth............................................NA
Ch. 7 Salvation $1 and the Perils of False Slack................NA
Ch. 8 Your SubGenius Heritage...................................NA
Ch. 9 Shut Up or Stand Up - "The Brag"..........................NA
Ch. 10 We Dare Call It Conspiracy................................NA
Ch. 11 The UFO Made Me Do It.....................................NA
Ch. 12 Dateline for Dominance....................................NA
Ch. 13 The Prescriptures.........................................NA
Ch. 14 ANSWERS: Money and Jobs...................................NA
Ch. 15 ANSWERS: Sex - The Divine Battle..........................NA
Ch. 16 Health, the Industrial Diet, and Bad Things...............NA
Ch. 17 Starting Your Own Church..................................NA
Ch. 18 Your Instructions.........................................NA
Ch. 19 Paths to Frenzy...........................................NA
Ch. 20 Your Move: A Letter from "Bob"............................NA
APPENDIX..................................................NA
VI