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THE CHURCH OF
BEAVER CLEAVER
(OFFICIAL DOCUMENTS)
THE FOUNDING AND DOCTRINE
"I THUNK ABOUT IT"
THE
CHURCH OF
BEAVER CLEAVER
A Modern evolutionary synthesis of religious and political thought
as imbodied in
WARD CLEAVER
and the interpersonal relationships of the Cleaver household
THE ETERNAL TRIAD
made up of
WALLY, BEAVER and EDDIE
BEAVER
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WALLY |________________\ EDDIE
The
Supreme Duo
made up of
WARD & JUNE
THE VISION OF THE SQUARED CIRCLE
On the evening of January 9th, 1981, The two Elders of the CHURCH OF
BEAVER CLEAVER, Rev. Elvon Prezton and Rev. Solomon Bombay, at that
time two misguided and lazy mugs, were watching Wrestling on cable T.V.
and drinking coffee. Just as the American Dream, DUSTY RHOADES was
discussing in vivid and glowing terms his next opponent with nationally
syndicated wrestling commentator GORDON SOLLIE, the set went blank and
started to emit a bright cobalt blue beam of light. The two Elders were
held transfixed in the ray and astrally transported into the circuits of the
Quasar television where they met with the Prophet LARRY MONDELLO inside
a bogus silicon chip.
In the elapsed earth time of 2 minutes, the Prophet showed the Elders
every episode of LEAVE IT TO BEAVER including some rare outtakes and
imparted both Esoteric and the Exoteric philosophy of WARD. The prophet
Larry also revealed the HIDDEN SECRET which is known on earth only by the
Elders and can be only hinted at presently because of certain worldwide
preparations to be made before the time is right for unveiling.
The Elders found themselves in front of the television with an extremely
unpleasent case of sunburn. Although only two minutes had passsed by the
clock, they had actually been with the Prophet for 6 years. The Elders
finoshed watching Wrestling and began to disassemble the television in
search of the chip. Needless to say the chipo was never found and they
couldn't put the set back together, so they bought a new one at a Motel
furnishing sale. Late that night the Elders drew up the charter of the
CHURCH OF BEAVER CLEAVER.
DESCRIPTION AND FUNCTIONS
OF THE
SUPREME DUO
WARD is the paternal eity. He is the head of the household and is in
charge of creating and controlling the social and moral reality constructs.
His complementary partner is JUNE, the matriarchal deity. JUNE functions
to help maintain the structure of reality and through her intuitive powers
spots potential trouble spots. WARD and JUNE are two seperate beings that
act as one. They each have certian qualities that the other is lacking and
through this combination they have achieved a state of balance.
The SUPREME DUO is represented by two interlocking circles. The circle
by it's very nature indicates a complete or whole cycle, or more precisely,
the linear expositi9on of an infinite event. The two circles are each shown
as possessing a polarity. The shaded areas are where the polarities are
integrated and actually become greater than the sume of the two seperate
components.
This shaded area (the INTEGRATED POLARITY ELEMENT) is the secret
power zone of the SUPREME DUO.
It must be pointed out that there are FIVE conceptual deities and
therefore in accordance with the esoteric law of FIVES.
DESCRIPTION AND FUNCTION
of the
ETERNAL TRIAD
The Eternal Traid should be pictured as a right triangle. The BEAVER is
placed in the uppermost angle point. Beaver is the embodiment of the pure
man or innocent pure being. In the lower 45 degree angle point is placed
EDDIE HASKELL. Eddies role is that of the deceiver, the tempter and in a
deeper sense, the essence of evil. Located in the final angle point is
WALLY. WALLY acts as a mediator between BEAVER and EDDIE. Because of
his close relationship with both, he holds a deep understanding of the
intrinsic nature of the BEAVER and EDDIE archetlypes. In the role of older
brother his duty is to guide the BEAVER to do the right thing in the face of
tempation. In the role of best friend his duty to be both advisor and
socializing factor to EDDIE. The mathematical formula of the ETERNAL
TRIAD is BEAVER 45 degree plus EDDIE 45 degrees equals WALLY 90
degrees (45 + 45 = 90) This is not to imply that WALLY is in any way
superior to BEAVER or EDDIE but is a matter for a deeper level of
consideration.
THE DOCTRINAL LOGO
OF
THE CHURCH OF BEAVER CLEAVER
The symbolic representation of the SUPREME DUO is two interlocking
circles and should be rightly placed above the triangularization of the
ETERNAL TRIAD.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN PROSPERITY???
WHAT HAPPENED TO
THE AMERICAN SPIRIT??
DO YOU REMEMBER MORALS??
The CHURCH OF BEAVER CLEAVER answers question to todays problems
with it's declaration of the creed;
"I BELIEVE IN THE BEAVE"
BEAVER AND UFO'S!!
-ELECTROMAGNETIC BRAIN SCANS-
WHO REALLY SHOT J.F.K.???
WHAT DID WARD REALLY DO IN W.W.2 ??
c 1982 C.O.B.C.