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SONGS NOT SUITABLE FOR ANYBODY (SONGS-X5.TXT)
(note: most of these are Anonymous for obvious reasons!)
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THE JIMMY SWAGGERT SONG
(Tune: "Dick Darby The Cobbler")
(Recorded: "Celtic Pride: In Strange Form")
Oh, me name is Jimmy Swaggert, I'm a preacher,
I used to save souls on TV
But they caught me carousing with floozies
And they've taken my program from me!
(CHORUS): With me ing twing of an ing thing of an eye do
W'i me ing twing of an ing thing of an eye day,
W'i me roo-boo-boo roo-boo-boo randy,
And me bankroll gets bigger each day!
Well, when I was a lad, ma would scold me
Sayin' "James, keep your hands off your crotch!"
Well to do so was "dirty" she told me,
But she never said I couldn't watch!
Well, they labeled Jim Bakker a pervert,
And they called me a lecher, it's true;
Even though I never did nothin'
I just asked for a room with a view....
Well, my sorrows they soon will be over,
And I'll soon be a rich man again,
For I've just sold my story to Playboy,
And the movie rights to MGM!
*
OUR BABY DIED LAST NIGHT
Our Baby died last night
It lived for 48 hours
And it cost a hundred dollars
It was a lousy baby, anyway.
His head it turned to mush;
It skwushed between my fingers;
The memory still lingers;
It was a lousy baby, anyway.
Although he tried to bite us
He died for just to spite us
Of spinal meningitus
It was a lousy baby, anyway...
(spoken:) So we ate it.....cold.
*
2
*
FIGHT FOR LIBERATION
(Tune: "Tramp, Tramp, Tramp")
In a dungeon cell I sit, covered o'er with Royal Shit,
While our money turns the Kingdoms' filthy mill
And the Directors as they pass, jam Corpora up our ass
Well. I guess we've had our Goddam fuckin' fill!
CHORUS: Fight, fight, fight for Liberation!
Break, break, break the Social Scheme!
Oh, we'll drag the bastards down,
And we'll grind them in the ground,
And replace 'em with a Working Class Regime!
Oh we'll send a firing squad after Royalty's Tin God
And the Heralds they will be the next in line
Then we'll pump some LSD into Their Senilities
And we'll make 'em fuck the peasants overtime!
Oh, we'll take a fuckin' rope, and we'll hang the fuckin' Pope
And we'll burn the Sistine Chapel to the ground!
Then we'll turn our tommy-guns on the screaming ravished nuns
And the People's Voice will be the only sound!
So if you hate the Working Class, but you'd like to save your ass
Then you better give your money to the poor!
Or we'll sell your mother's twat to a sailor on your yacht
And we'll turn your favourite daughter to a hoor!
*
VATICAN CASKETS
(Tune: "Rock Of Ages")
Vatican caskets are just fine
Made of sandal-wood and pine
When your loved ones have to go,
Die with "cum Spiritu tuo!"
When your loved one's pass away
Have them pass the Vatican Way!
Sistine Chapel, Saint Peter's, too
Holy water just for you!
Vatican caskets, unlike a rose,
They will never decompose.
For they stand the test of time;
No need to kill the flies with lime!
Get down on your knees and pray
When your loved ones pass away!
Vatican customers all sing:
Death, O Death, where is thy sting?
*
3
*
AGAINST ALL FLAGS
(Tune: "Girl I Left Behind Me")
Oh, the SCA is the kind of play
That spodes all get their kicks on
And Pennsic War is the kind of bore
That the peoples can get sicks on!
And I'd like to sod the Goddam BoD
With a dildo made of brass on,
And the (insert name) Flag is the kind of rag
That a Mongol wipes his ass on!
Oh the Chivalry are very "twee,"
And the Laurels don't do nothin'.
And the Pelican fags are all on the rag;
In an uproar about somethin'.
For the King and Queen are seldom seen,
With their Goddam cute brass hats on,
And the (insert name) Flag is the kind of a rag
That a Mongol wipes his ass on!
Oh the Great Dark Horde doesn't have a sword
That's worth a wooden firkin
And the Moritu don't know what to do
But sit and jerk their gherkin!
And the Tuchux upchuck woodchuck guts
At the Royal's brass-ass hats on,
And the Mongol flag is the kind of a rag
That the Kingdom wipes it's ass on!
*
RAMBLIN' HUNCHBACK, or:
THE BALLAD OF RICHARD III
(Tune: "Rye Whiskey")
I am a ramblin' hunchback, I ramble around
I ramble thru your cities, I ramble thru your towns.
I went into a tavern to get me some lunch
Where all the macho stick-jocks made fun of my hunch
Well I said sticks and stones may injure my bones,
But names will never hurt me, so leave me alone!
I was scratchin' my back, and when I looked up,
A blonde, hare-lipped waitress poured coffee in my cup!
It was love at first sight, as my brew I did sip,
She patted my hump, as I caressed her lip!
Lord, I left with that waitress, because, as you see,
The womens all love my deformity!
(Repeat first verse)
*
4
*
THE POPE
There's a man who lives over the ocean
And who has got a great notion
That he is the World's Greatest Hope
He's Giovanni Montini, the Pope
CHORUS: Giovanni Batista Montini
He lives in the Vatican-nini
He's Italian; he doesn't use soap
He's Giovanni Montini, the Pope!
When Atheists try to distract him
He doesn't let it upset him,
He just makes the High Sign on his chest,
Lets his Boss Man take care of the rest!
No cherub could ever sub-pee-ni
Giovanni Batista Montini
For how can you possibly quibble
With a man who is infalli-bibble?
CHORUS: Giovanni Batista Montini
He lives in the Vatican-nini
And he don't even have to smoke dope
'Cause he's Giovanni Montini
You know who I mean-i
The one with the beanie!
Giovanni Montini, the Pope!
*
WAKE UP LITTLE FLOOZIE
(Tune: "Wake up, Litttle Suzie!")
Wake up, little floozie, wake up!
Wake up, little floozie, wake up!
The Tourney wasn't so hot
And you got drunker than snot!
And now, it's over, I've won the Crown,
And BOY! are we in a spot!
Wake up, little floozie!
Wake up, little floozie!
Well, I told the Duke I wouldn't rhino-hide
Well, floozie, baby, it looks like that I lied!
Wake up little floozie (etc.)
What're we gonna tell the Countess?
What're we gonna tell the BoD?
What're we gonna tell the Duke when he goes
Oh, My Ghod!
Wake up little floozie (etc.)
We gotta go reign!
*
5
*
B-I-M-B-O
-Anonymous (because nobody will
take the blame for it)
1) There was a girl that went to Crown
And Bimbo was her name-o
B-I-M-B-O, B-I-M-B-O, B-I-M-B-O,
And Bimbo was her name-o!
2) There was a girl that went to Crown,
She had large tracts of land-o
(Gesture for big tits)-I-M-B-O etc.
And Bimbo was her name-o
3) There was a girl that went to Crown
Her talents they were many-o
(gesture for a nice body)
(Gesture for big tits)-M-B-O etc.
And Bimbo was her name-o
4) There was a girl that went to Crown
And she made very merry-o
(throw arms in air and yell "whee!")
(gesture for a nice body)
(Gesture for big tits)-B-O etc.
And Bimbo was her name-o
5) There was a girl that went to Crown
And she was made the Queen-o
(put Crown on head)
(throw arms in air and yell "whee!")
(gesture for a nice body)
(Gesture for big tits)-O etc.
And Bimbo was her name-o
6) There was a girl that went to Crown
And she got very pissy-o
(point to various members of audience, and say:
"You're banished, and you're banished, and....")
(put Crown on head)
(throw arms in air and yell "whee!")
(gesture for a nice body)
(Gesture for big tits)
And Bimbo was her name-o
*
6
*
THE KINGDOM THAT SWALLOWED A LIE
-Ardjukk Afraid-of-His-Cats
There once was a Kingdom that swallowed a LIE
I don't know why they swallowed a LIE......
Perhaps they'll die!
There once was a Kingdom that swallowed a RULE
"The King's Word is Law" (We learn it in school!)
They swallowed the RULE to hold up the LIE
I don't know why they swallowed the LIE
Perhaps they'll die!
There once was a Kingdom that swallowed some BULL
"The knights run the Kingdom, they have all the pull!"
They swallowed the BULL to back up the RULE
"The King's Word is Law!" (We learn it in school..)
They swallowed the RULE to hold up the LIE
And I don't know why they swallowed the LIE
Perhaps they'll die!
There once was a Kingdom got screwed by the CROWN
Bent over, and down, they got screwed by the CROWN
They got screwed by the CROWN 'cause they swallowed the BULL
(etc as above)
I don't know why they swallowed the LIE......
Perhaps they'll die!
There once was a Kingdom that wrote to the BOARD
They wrote to the BOARD in great disaccord
They wrote to the BOARD they'd been screwed by the CROWN
Bent over and down, they were screwed by the CROWN
(etc as above)
And I don't know why they swallowed the LIE......
Perhaps they'll die!
There once was a Kingdom that took up the SWORD
'Cause they didn't get s*** when they wrote to the BOARD
They took up the SWORD when they wrote to the BOARD
They wrote to the BOARD in great disaccord
(etc as above)
I don't know why they swallowed the LIE......
Perhaps they'll die!
There once was a Kingdom that threw up the LIE
Right in their eye, they threw up the LIE
They threw up the LIE and they changed all the RULES
Opened Crown Tourney to all but the fools,
They opened Crown Tourney to sweep up the BULL
And let in the People, a real Miracle!
They swept up the BULL and laughed at the BOARD
And every man-jack of 'em joined the Dark Horde!
And so they lived happy, and wealthy and wise
And if this is treason, then it's all a LIE
Can YOU see why?
*
7
*
THE BALLAD OF STARK UNBELIEF
-Ioseph of Locksley
-tune: variant on "I wish I was a busy bee"
or "There are no Fighter Pilots"
(Chorus): Oh------
Put it on the ground
Spread it all around
Dig it with a hoe
It'll make your flowers grow!
Now, peerages are given for a reason
And that reason is simply understood:
For Chivalry, and Honesty, and Bravery
And being very, very, very Good!
Awards are given out to the deserving,
And no one EVER bitches, out of spite!
We forget the little slights and innuendos
And we really DO believe that Right makes Might!
"Nepotisim" is a word we've never heard of,
"Politics" is just a friendly little game!
We have counted every shot that we've been given,
And Camelot is where we always aim!
Oh the King is up there, sitting in the Throne Room,
And the Pelicans are sitting on the grass,
The Knights are getting drunk and falling down (a lot),
And the Laurels are all sitting on their...laurels!
The BoD is doing something I'm not sure of,
The Registry has lost your membership,
The Marshallate can't find it's head with both hands and a road-map,
And the Heralds are all full of chicken-ship!
*
TRELON, TRELON!
(Tune: "Bicycle Built for Two")
Trelon, Trelon, this isn't very much fun
At Estrella, outnumbered two-to-one!
I'm here to tell you, Buster,
We felt a lot like Custer!
When we got beat
We were cold meat!
Out at Estrella V!
Trelon, Trelon, looks like they did it again
No fun, re-run, as our army they over-ran!
They beat us and they banged us,
They crucified and hanged us,
It's getting old
Them beating us cold
Out at Estrella VI!
*
8
*
LONDON DERRIERE
-Ioseph of Locksley
(Tune: "Londonderry Aire" aka "Danny Boy")
(c) copyright 1990 W.J.Bethancourt III
I watch you walk upon the streets of London
Your mini-skirt stretched tight, and looking sweet
I watch you walk, and walk into a lampost
I didn't see, upon the London street.
So turn your back, and wiggle softly from me!
With mini-skirt, (perhaps, no underwear!)
Your legs are great! But, by the Gods above me!
I watch your wondrous London derriere!
The Paris girls are wonders full of beauty,
And California grows the Long-stemmed L.A. rose,
Berlin nights are full of life, and lovely,
But London girls don't wear no panty-hose!
So turn your back, and wiggle softly from me!
And let me watch, and dream a dream so rare:
In my hotel, you naked there above me
Sit on my face with your London derriere!
*
THE SHEIK OF HOUSE LOCKSLEY
(Tune: "Sheik of Araby")
I'm the sheik of House Locks-lee (with no pants on!)
Your bod belongs to me! (with no pants on!)
At night when you're asleep, (with no pants on!)
Into your tent I'll creep! (with no pants on!)
And wondrous things you'll see! (with no pants on!)
I'm the sheik of House Locks-lee! (with no pants on!)
nb: the section in (parentheses) is whispered........
*