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WALTZ ME AROUND AGAIN, HROTHGAR! SONGS-X4.TXT
-Ioseph of Locksley and countless others!
-tune: "Celito Lindo"
A limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical
But the good ones we've seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical! (T)
(Chorus): Ai, ai, ai, ai!
I am drunker than you are
So sing me another verse
That's worse than the other verse
And waltz me around again, Hrothgar! (I)
A blue ribbon was quite a surprise
To a Scotsman in his native guise
"I don't know where you've been,
Whether good, or in sin....
But I'm glad that you won the first prize!" (I)
While Titian was mixing rose madder
He espied a nude girl on a ladder
Her position, to Titian
Suggested coition
So he climbed up the ladder and had 'er! (T)
A wanton young lady from Wembly
Reproached for not acting quite primly
Answered "Heavens above!"
"I know sex is not love!"
"But it's such an attractive facsimile!" (T)
There once was a knight from the West
Who thought he was the very best
But the ladies just chaffed
And pointed and laughed
And never put him to the test! (U)
A Celt, with a grin, softly said
As he killed all his enemies dead
"These trophies so gory
Are my marks of glory,
It's my enemies giving me head!" (I)
There was a young lass from Bryn Mawr
Who committed a dreadful faux pas
She loosened a stay
In her decollette
Exposing her je ne sais quoi! (T)
There once was an old man of Lyme
Who married three wives at a time
When asked: "Why a third?"
He replied: "One's absurd!"
"And bigamy, sir, is a crime!" (T)
2
The Revel lasts all of the night
Lords and ladies in finery bedight
The music doth swell
The dancers look well
Once they learn their left foot from their right! (E)
There once was a knight from the Middle
Who wanted to learn how to diddle
In the East, at his ease,
He caught a disease:
And now he can't even piddle! (I)
A randy young man from Caid
Was discovered spreading his seed
In horses and dogs,
In owls and in frogs,
And in two or three slow-moving Swedes! (I)
At least if you're in the Dark Horde
You will never sit 'round being bored
Our ladies, and wives.
Tend to carry sharp knives....
First get their permission, my lord! (U)
A lusty old Duke, at Estrella
Was behaving in ways I won't say-a
In his BVDs
Duct-taped to a tree
He woke up the very next day-a! (I)
Address all unknowns as gentle
Treat ladies as tho' sacramental
Unless their bare arms,
Loose behavior, and charms
Proclaim that their favours are rentals! (E)
Don't ever drink Caidan Blue
It'll getcha as nothing else do!
A pirate one day
Drank two, so they say,
Just look at that boy gork and spew! (I)
There once was a young knight from Kent
Whose thing was so long that it bent!
To save himself trouble
He'd put it in double,
And instead of coming, he went! (T)
The trouble with list'ning to Yang
Was that every damned song the man sang
Was either illicit,
immoral, explicit,
Or in lower Mongolian slang! (E)
There was a young lady named Banker
Who slept with the Corsairs, at anchor!
She awoke in dismay
When she heard someone say:
"Now, up with the top's'l and spanker!" (U)
3
A serious thought for today
Is one that may cause dismay:
Just what are the forces
That bring little horses
If all the big horses say "Neigh?" (U)
There was a young man from Racine
Who invented a "Doing Machine"
Concave and convex
It could "do" either sex,
But oh, what a bastard to clean! (T)
There was a young couple named Kelly
Who walked around belly-to-belly
Because, in their haste,
They used library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly! (T)
At the Revel last night down in Crewe
I found a large mouse in the stew
Said the waiter "Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the King will be wanting one, too!" (T)
There was a young lady named Greene
Who grew so abnormally lean
And flat and compressed
That her back touched her chest
And sideways, she couldn't be seen! (T)
A certain young man from An Tir
Sat down, and cried in his beer,
His lady, he said,
Wore chain-mail to bed
And it took off the hair round his peer (I)
There once was a knight from the Mists
Who cockily entered the lists
A Duke soon uncocked him,
Dehorned and defrocked him,
He got screwed, but never was kissed! (I)
If you kiss enough frogs, so they say,
One might be a Prince, some fine day,
But beware of the dude
Who is uncouth, and lewd:
He's a horny toad, and a bad lay! (I)
A certain young Herald so charming
Had Arms that were very alarming:
A maiden, displayed,
On a bed, disarrayed,
And the motto: "Foreplay is forearming!" (I)
You can fight the Dark Horde, if you wanna
You'll find plenty of blood, guts, and honnah
While you turn them quite green
With your shieldwork supreme
Look out for that left-hand katana! (E)
4
The East, or the Mid, (It depends!)
Remarks when the Horde condescends
To march into place
With sword, spear and mace:
"Your friends? I thought they were our friends!" (E)
Now Ysgithrs' all in a riot
They've never been peaceful and quiet
We'd turn it to slag
Mop it up with a rag
Or sell it, but nobody'd buy it! (U)
A Meridian lady, they say.
Was made a peculiar way:
She took forty-two strokes
And three dirty jokes
And a gallon of mead every day! (U)
Ansteorra's a place in a rut
Delighted to wallow in smut!
They use dirty socks
To cover their jocks
And do, well, I mustn't say what! (U)
As I gazed at the heavens one night
The cracks in the sky caused me fright!
Pieces came down!
Fell all over town!
I guess Chicken Little was right! (J)
God's plan had a hopeful beginning
But Man spoiled his chances by sinning
We trust that the story
Will end up in Glory
But, at present, the Other side's winning.... (T)
And now we have got to The End
Of this song about Terrible Sin
And if you've been bored
I'm sorry, m'lord
You should NEVER have let me begin! (I)
**************************************************************
Follows are extra verses, and XXX-rated verses to "Waltz Me Around
Again, Hrothgar":
There was a young girl named Alice
Who used dynamite for a phallus
They found her vagina
In South Carolina
And her arse was just this side of Dallas! (T)
A rancid old hermit named Dave
Kept a dead whore in a cave
He said; "I admit,"
"I'm a bit of a shit;"
"But think of the money I save!" (T)
5
There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose prick was so long he could suck it
Said he, with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it!" (T)
Now, Jon and Diana one day
Founded the whole SCA
At a Berkeley party
That was very arty
Now it's covered the whole USA! (U)
His Grace (or Her Grace...it depends)
Remarks when the Dark Horde descends
With chickens and goats,
six Serbs and five Croats
"My friends? I thought they were YOUR friends!" (E)
There once was an old maid from Wooster
Who thought that a man had seduced her
When looking around,
She finally found:
'Twas only the bedpost that goosed her! (T)
There was an old lady from Munich
Who was ravished one night by a Eunuch
At the height of her passion
He slipped her a ration
From a squirt-gun concealed in his tunic! (T)
There once was a mighty stick-jock
Who had holes down the length of his cock
When he got an erection
He'd play a selection
From Johann Sebastian Bach! (U)
An attractive young lady named Myrtle
Had quite an affair with a turtle
What is more phenominal
A swelling abdominal
Showed Myrtle the Turtle was fertile! (T)
An unfortunate fellow named Chase
Had an ass that was badly misplaced
He showed indignation
When investigation
Proved that few persons shit thru their face! (T)
A Roman, who hailed from Gazondom
Used a dried hedgehog's hide for a condom
His mistress did shout
As he pulled the thing out
"De gustibus non disputandum!" (U)
There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass
Not pretty, and pink,
As you probably think:
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass! (S)
6
A bather, whose clothing was strewed
By breezes, that left her quite nude
Saw a man come along
And, unless I am wrong,
You expect the next line to be lewd! (U)
A habit obscene and unsavoury
Holds the Vicar of Wessex in slavery
With maniacal howls
He deflowers young owls
Which he keeps in an underground aviary! (T)
There was a young harlot from Crewe
Who filled her vagina with glue
She said, with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it, too!" (S)
There was a young lawyer named Rex
Who was sadly deficient in sex
Arraigned for exposure
He said, with composure,
"De minimus non curat lex!" (U)
There was an old lady of Tring
Who, when somebody asked her to sing
Replied, "Isn't it odd?
I can never tell 'God
Save The Weasle' from 'Pop Goes The King!" (U)
A young poet, whose name was McMahon
Wrote verse that never would scan
When they said, "But the thing
Doesn't move with a swing,"
He said: "Yes, but I like to get as many words
into the last line as I possibly can! (U)
There once was a Duke from the West
Whose bride wore chain-mail with the best
He said," She is sweet,
And gentle, and neat,
But it pulls out the hairs from my chest!" (I)
There once was a man named Old Jossil
Who found a most int'resting fossil
He could tell by the bend
And the knot in the end,
T'was the pecker of Paul the Apostle! (T)
There once was a man from Rangoon
Who was born by the light of the moon
He had not the luck
To be born of a fuck
But a wet-dream scraped up with a spoon! (T)
There once was a man from Shambock
Who played the bass viol with his cock
With massive erections
He rendered selections
From Johann Sebastian Bach! (T)
7
There once was a girl from Milpitas
Who had a great yen for coitus
Her athletic friend
Had an itch on the end,
So now she has ath-el-ete's foetus! (U)
There once was a girl from Mobile
Had a cunt made of crucible steel
Her greatest sex-thrill
Was a rotary drill
And an off-center emery wheel! (U)
A broken-down harlot named Truppe
Was heard to confess, in her cups,
"The height of my folly
Was to diddle a Collie,
But I got a nice prize for the pups!" (T)
There once was a man named Grost
Who had an affair with a ghost
He said, with a spasm,
At the height of orgasm,
"I think I can feel it, almost!" (T)
There once was a Corsair named Bates
Who did the fandango, on skates;
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless,
And practically useless on dates! (T)
There was a young lady named Cager
Who, as the result of a wager,
Consented to fart
The whole oboe part
Of Mozart's Quartet in F Major! (U)
There was a young lady from York
Who was greatly adverse to the stork
But no matter how firm,
She feared no man's sperm,
For she plugged it up first with a cork! (U)
There was an old Count from Svoboda
Who would not pay a whore what he owed her,
So, with great savoir-faire,
She stood on a chair,
And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda! (T)
There was a young lady from Arden
Who was blowing a man in a garden,
He said, in a huff:
"Do you swallow the stuff?"
She answered him:" (gulp!) Beg your pardon?" (T)
The lovely young Countess of Bole
Had a sense of humor most droll
To a masquerade ball
She wore nothing at all,
And backed in as a Parker House Roll! (T)
8
There was a young man from old Sparta
Who was a magnificent farta
He could fart anything
From "God Save the Queen,"
To a solo from "La Traviata!" (T)
On the chest of a Countess named Gail
Was tatooed the price of her tail,
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information, in Braille! (T)
There was a young man from New Haven
Who had an affair with a raven
Said he, with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
"Nevermore!" (U)
A fighter, while armoring up,
Found a lady's brassiere in his cup.
Since his jock strap was gone,
He tied the thing on,
Saying, "Wonder what's holding HER up?" (M)
A lady who liked to brew mead
Made a very strong potion indeed--
When served at the War,
It disabled twelve score,
And the Midrealm was forced to concede! (M)
Hussein, a true servant of Allah,
Converted some poor Viking fella
Saying, "Take my advice,
Seek the true Paradise--
You know what they serve in Valhalla!" (M)
All the lady apes ran from King Kong
For his dong was unspeakably long
But a friendly giraffe
Took his yard-and-a-half
And ecstatically broke into song! (S)
A maiden who lived in Virginny
Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny
The hunting set chased her,
Fucked, buggered, then dropped her
For the pitch of her organ went tinny! (S)
There once was a young girl of Devon
Who was raped in a garden by seven
High Anglican priests -
The lascivious beasts!
Of such is the Kingdom of Heaven.....! (S)
When a woman in strapless attire
Found her breasts working higher and higher
A guest, with great feeling,
Exclaimed "How appealing!"
"Do you mind if I piss in the fire?" (S)
9
There was a young lady from Trent
Who said that she knew what it meant
When he asked her to dine
Private room, lots of wine,
She knew, oh, she knew...but she went! (S)
There was a young lady named Hitchin
Who was scratchin' her crotch in the kitchen
Her mother said, "Rose,"
"It's the crabs, I suppose..."
She said, "Yes, and the buggers are itchin'!" (S)
There was a young man of St. James
Who indulged in the jolliest games
He lighted the rim
Of his grandmother's quim
And laughed as she pissed thru the flames! (S)
A fellow whose surname was Hunt
Trained his prick to perform a slick stunt
This versatile spout
Could be turned inside out
like a glove, and be used as a cunt! (S)
There was a young girl from Darjeeling
Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
There was never a sound
For miles around
Save for fly-buttons hitting the ceiling! (S)
A hermit who had an oasis
Thought it the best of all places
He could pray and be calm
'Neath a pleasant date-palm,
While the lice on his pecker ran races! (S)
The last time I dined with the King
He did quite a curious thing:
He sat on a stool
And took out his tool,
And said, "If I play, will you sing?" (S)
The gay young Duke of Buckingham
Stood on the bridge at Rockingham,
Watching the stunts
of the cunts and the punts,
and the tricks of the pricks that were fucking 'em! (S)
A mathematician named Ball
Had a hexahedronical ball,
And the cube of its' weight
Times his pecker, plus eight,
Was four-fifths of five-eighths fucking all! (S)
There was a young student of Trinity
Who shattered his sister's virginity
He buggered his brother,
Had twins by his mother,
And took double honours in Divinity! (S)
10
There was a young fellow named Scott
Who took a girl out on his yacht
But, too lazy to rape her,
He made darts of brown paper,
Which he languidly threw at her twat! (S)
There was a young lady from Exeter
So pretty, that men craned their necks at her
One went so far
As to wave from his car
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her! (S)
There was a young fellow named Kimble
Whose prick was exceedingly nimble
But fragile and slender
And dainty and tender
So he kept it enclosed in a thimble! (S)
An organist, playing at York,
Had a prick that could hold a small fork,
And, between obligattos,
He'd munch at tomatoes
To keep up his strength while at work! (S)
As the she-wolf and lioness feel
For their cubs, so the Knight for his steel.
When looking at such
Ask leave ere you touch
Or instead of seeing, you'll feel. (C)
Be still when a Bard holds the hall.
Join the dancing or stand by the wall.
Don't boast of your might
Till you learn how to fight
Or after or ever at all. (C)
There once was a girl with a torso
Like Jessica Rabbit's but more so!
Her only complaint
Was because Ink and Paint
Gave each of her tits its own floor show! (K)
* note: there are HUNDREDS of verses to this song.......
(T): Traditional (U): Unknown source (I): Ioseph of Locksley
(E): East Kingdom Songbook (S): Singapore Hash House Harriers
(J): John Benson (M): Marian Greenleaf (C): Cariadoc of The Bow
(K): Charlie Kellner
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