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247
The Illuminati University Alma Mater 11-16-90
by John M. Ford
Okay, fellow Illuminates, here it is:
THE ILLUMINATI UNIVERSITY THEME SONG
(to the tune of the Tiny Toon Adventures theme)
We deal in
Illusion
Hypnosis and confusion
And this institution has its eye on all below
A liberal college
Of weird forbidden knowledge
Our classes cover everything Man Wasn't Meant to Know
Behold the ancient buildings where our scholars work and dwell
They move when no one's looking and they all connect to Hell
Through these eldritch portals
We don't get many mortals
And everything considered, guess it's just as well
Illuminated attitudes pervade our faculty
From Evil Stevie's Library to Arcane R & D
Here man and cetacean
Serve up an education
In Space and Time Dilation
And Paradoxes too
Experimentation
With genes and radiation
Makes each graduation
A triumph for the few
(repeat tune of last verse)
The Archdean is an angel and the Art Curator's mad
And here you need a parachute to go through Drop and Add
There's placement and pretest
In Science Weird and Weirdest
Our annual Samhainfest
And Necronomicomp
Take Ethics for Tyrants
Or Laboratory Violence
Call Military Science
The Ogre's on the stomp
We're deep and
We're dotty
At dear Illuminati
The Higher Mystic Institute for one and all
(Admissions down the hall.)
Quit, List, or number to read :241
From: Edward Goldstein [643]
Date: 22:54 09/07/90
Land of Cold Fusion (to Land of Confusion)
Copyright 1989 by Edward Goldstein; reproduced by permission
I must have ran a thousand tests
Been bothered by a million pests
But I can feel we're nearing our goal
We soon won't be using coal.
Now did you hear the news today?
They say that fusion's on its way
But I can see the gas still alight
They're burning it, into the night
CHORUS1
There's too many labs
Too many people
Making too many projects
And not enough funds to go around
Can't you see we're trying to achieve cold fusion!
CHORUS2
Well this is the lab we work in... oh
And these are the funds we're given... oh
Use them and let's start trying... oh
To make it a cheaper/cleaner energy source (alternate the 2)
Oh MIT where are you now
Everything seems to go wrong somehow
The men of science dream of fusion power
And losing grants by the hour
This is the time
This is the place
For the energy of the future
But there's not enough money to go around
Can't you see we're trying to achieve cold fusion!
CHORUS2
I remember long ago...
When the turbines were whinning
Fossil fuels burning all through the night
And it gave us all our power
Until the EPA put up a fight...
So long ago....
I won't be coming home tonight
Have to work on those equations all night
Congress better not be making promises
It knows it'll never keep
CHORUS1
Well this is the lab we work in... oh
And these are the funds we're given... oh
Use them and let's start trying... oh
To make it a power worth working towards.
Well this is the lab we work in
And these are the funds we're given
Stand up and let's start asking
Just where our money is going too....
Quit, List, or number to read :344
ILLUMINATI
(to the tune of "Eleanor Rigby") updated 11-07-88
Steve Jackson, Joe Vail, Creede Lambard
Illuminati . . .
They put a thing made of tinfoil on top of my door . . .
What is it for?
Illuminati . . .
Shooting a ray at my cornflakes to make them turn green . . .
What does it mean?
The Illuminati . . . They're watching me, I know.
The Illuminati . . . They're everywhere I go.
Illuminati . . .
Doing unspeakable things in the night to a cow . . .
Where are they now?
Illuminati . . .
Sent an impostor in place of the Popsicle man . . .
What is their plan?
The Illuminati . . . They're watching me, I know.
The Illuminati . . . They're everywhere I go.
Illuminati . . .
They cancelled Star Trek, The Fonz, and My Mother, the Car . . .
Are they bizarre?
You can't escape them;
Even if you take a plane to Nepal or Peru . . .
They'll be there, too . . .
The Illuminati . . . They're watching me, I know.
The Illuminati . . . They're everywhere I go.
I know that they know all about me . . .
They know that I know all about them . . .
Illuminati . . .
Hide their assassins' instructions in newspaper text . . .
Who will be next?
They're all around us . . .
Underline every third word in the Times and you'll see . . .
How can it be?
The Illuminati . . . They're watching me, I know.
The Illuminati . . . They're everywhere I go.
They're in the attic and the cellar . . .
Bigger than Hunt or Rockefeller . . .
Illuminati . . .
Go through my garbage and count all the pop bottles there . . .
Why do they care?
They're out to get me . . .
They're fluoridating my water from their UFO . . .
What do they know?
The Illuminati . . . They're everywhere, I see.
The Illuminati . . . And no one knows but me.
Quit, List, or number to read :
JUST SAY NOLACON (tune: Pop Goes The Weasel)
by Steve Jackson updated 12-10-89
Sunday's readings happened today
Gaming's in the Green Room.
Niven's in three places at once
Pop goes the schedule.
The hotel took the film room away
to give it to the Baptists.
Their con liaison gave up and quit.
Pop goes the schedule.
Everything we printed is wrong
We'll have to do an update.
Just as they are handing it out
Pop goes the schedule.
Fifty screaming fans at the door
all want information.
That department doesn't exist.
Pop goes the schedule.
Heinlein's got a panel at 3
I wonder if he'll make it?
Just as Glyer's getting to sleep
Pop goes the schedule.
Quit, List, or number to read :
OLD TIME RELIGION
verses collected by Steve Jackson updated 12-10-89
(those marked with an * are original, or at least wholly reworked)
At the temple of ASTARTE, all they ever do is party
Fill your cup and drink up hearty, and it's good enough for me.*
We will visit APHRODITE, though she's mighty wild and flighty
She will greet us in her nightie, and she's good enough for me.
Well, they also call her VENUS, she's the cutest but the meanest
'Cause she bit me on the . . . elbow, which is good enough for me.*
Oh, we all sang out Hosanna, and we took off for NIRVANA
We got hijacked to Havana, which was good enough for me.*
It was good for old JEHOVAH, had a son who was a nova
Hey there Mithras, move on over, cause he's good enough for me.
I hear VALKYRIES a coming, in the air their song is thrumming
They forgot the words-they're humming-but they're good enough for me.
There are people into VOODOO, there are people who do hoodoo
I know I do - I hope you do, and it's good enough for me.
I was singing HARE RAMA, with my friend the Dalai Lama
Till they threw us in the slammer, which was good enough for me.*
ASMODEUS will excite us, to an orgy he'll invite us
If the high priest doesn't bite us, then it's good enough for me.*
We will all give praise to HORUS, in an old Egyptian chorus
If there's something in it for us, then it's good enough for me.*
Do the rites of old CTHULHU, you and me and Mr. Sulu
Howling like a drunken Zulu, but it's good enough for me.*
We will sing to RONNIE GHU un-til he asks us what we're doin'
Cause it's good enough for you, and babe, it's good enough for me.*
We will sacrifice to KALI, though embracing her is folly
She'd be quite an armful - golly - but she's good enough for me.
We give praise to old OSIRIS, as we sit and smoke papyrus
We will prob'ly catch a virus, but it's good enough for me.
SUN MOON'S kids are kind of funny, but they stick to him like honey
He just wants their souls and money, and it's good enough for him.
It was good enough for MAUI, and for his communion chow he
Served up poi and long pig - Wowee! - and it's good enough for me.
It was good enough for DAGON, that conservative old pagan
He still votes for Ronald Reagan, but he's good enough for me.
If the FORCE makes you a hater, big and mean just like Darth Vader
You may get recalled by Nader, but you're good enough for me.
If you've got the itchy squirmies, you had better pray to HERMES
He will rid you of your germies, which is good enough for me.*
If you want to save your soul, ac-cording to the priests of MOLOCH
You must sacrifice a Polack, which is good enough for him.*
Well, PAN's pipes got clogged last summer, and it really was a bummer
Finally had to call a plumber, but it's good enough for me.*
It was good for DIONYSUS, till his temple faced a crisis
From increasing tavern prices, which was not so good for him!
If you think RELIGION'S awful, and you've really had your craw full
Just make sure your acts are lawful, or they'll all be after thee.
The EPISCOPALS are saved, in the Lamb's blood they are bathed
While I'm totally depraved, but it's good enough for me.
NECRONOMICON's still leading, all the others it's exceeding
But don`t move your lips while reading, cause it isn't good for you!
Oh, the ancient goddess NERTHUS from herself, the earth, did birth us
Were her sins so bad they're worth us? Still, she's good enough for me
For we are the knights of JEDI, and in us the Force is ready
Grab your sabers, throw confetti, for you're good enough for me.
We will sing to YAMA-DHARMA, at our revels on the farm-a
Though it messes up our karma, it's still good enough for me.
Well, I prayed to mighty ISIS, to relieve romantic crisis
Now I've got satyr-i-isis, which is good enough for me.*
There's the blacksmith god, HEPHAESTUS, who's ahead of all the rest o'us
Cause his balls are pure asbestos, which is hot enough for me.
It was good for THOR and ODIN, grab an axe and get your woad on
Grab some mead and get a load on, and it's good enough for me.
If your rising sign is Aries, you'll be taken by the FAIRIES
Meet the Buddha in Benares, where he'll hit you with a pie.
There will be a lot of lovin', when we're gathered in our COVEN
Quit your pushin' and your shovin', so there's room enough for me.
There are followers of CONAN, and their swords they're always honin'
They're all followers of Onan, but they're good enough for me.
It's the opera written for us, we will all join in the chorus
It's the opera about BORIS, which is GUDENOV for me.
Just like CARLOS CASTANEDA, if to forces strange you cater
They will get you sooner or later, and it's good enough for me.
There are some who practice SHINTO, in the back seat of a Pinto
While tuned in to Doc Demento, but they're good enough for me.*
We will read from the KABBALA, in a whisper and a holler
It won't get us to Valhalla, but it's good enough for me.
If thou'rt PENNSYLVANIA AMISH, thou'rt permitted to play Squamish
While invoking great GILGAMESH, which is good enough for thee.*
If you never pray to LOKI, and say THOR's a little hokey
Then you'll wind up in the pokey, `cause they're good enough for me.*
I will be a modern DRUID, I will drink transmission fluid
I'll do anything that you would, `cause it's good enough for me.*
We will sacrifice to SHIVA, thirty chickens and a beaver
If you are a true believer, then it's good enough for you.*
Oh, this verse is for ERIS, who is the Goddess of Chaos
Which is why it doesn't rhyme or scan, but it's good enough for me.*
You can venerate BUBASTES, if you get a little practice
If you need help you can ask us, and it's good enough for me.
If you want an atom bo-omb, you can always pray to CROM
Better hide it from your Mom, but it's good enough for me.*
Well, I programmed my computer to be just as wise as BUDDHA
Day by day it's getting lewder, which is good enough for me.*
Some folks worship baby JESUS, every Sunday on their kneeses
Then they does just what they pleases, for the rest of every week.*
Better pray a little louder, to the god who makes gunpowder
STYPHON detonates a doubter, and that's good enough for me.*
In the middle of creation, AZATHOTH makes ululation
He's a gross abomination, but he's good enough for me.*
The malign ILLUMINATI watch you while you're on the potty;
Though their plots are slightly dotty, they're still good enough 4 me*
Oh, the REVEREND JERRY FALWELL doesn't seem to be at all well
For he doesn't use his call well - he's not good enough for me.
You will get a psychic booster if you follow ZARATHUSTRA
It might not be what you're used ter, but it's good enough for me.
It was good enough for ODIN, though that croaking was forebodin',
Till at last the Giants rode in, but it's good enough for me.
SCIENTOLOGY professes to clean up my psychic messes
And a remedy that's less is just not good enough for me.
If you follow ZOROASTER and you seek a Perfect Master
You will get to heaven faster, and it's good enough for me.
APEP shall return as my god, crocodilian green bipod,
He was good enough for Izod, and he's good enough for me!
Well, the CHRISTIANS are a-hummin, cause they say their God is comin',
Our God's come now two times runnin', and the Goddess at least three!
Let's sing praise to QUETZALCOATL, find a virgin we can throttle,
Put her heart into a bottle, and it's good enough for me!
I thought I saw QUETZALCOATL, in the bottom of my bottle,
It was just an axolotl, but it's good enough for me.
Be the GREAT SPIRIT's devotee, on the mesa smoke peyote,
Till you think you're a coyote, and you're good enough for me.
AZATHOTH is in his Chaos, and that really should dismay us,
But if he came here, he'd slay us, so that's good enough for me!
Oh, dey call me TORQUEMADA; I burn Lutherans in Granada,
It's all for da Holy Fadda, and it's good enough for me.
Let us worship like EGYPTIANS, pyramids to put our crypts in,
Fill the subways with inscriptions, and it's good enough for me.
We will reverence TUONI, cause we know he's not a phony,
Being dead is rather homey, and it's good enough for me.
Now we all should reverence TYR, who the Fenris Wolf did fear,
Though limp-wristed, he's not queer, and he's good enough for me.
We'll sing praises to APOLLO, where the sun-god leads we'll follow,
Though his head's a little hollow, he's still good enough for me.
Don't neglect that shrine of ZEUS's, though he's lost his vital juices,
Still the old boy has his uses, and he's good enough for me.
Let us worship chaste DIANA, she's been chaste since she began-a,
Chased from Rome to Texarkana, and she's good enough for me.
We will reverence to RA, cause we don't have to go fa,
We just stand there and say A-ah, and it's good enough for me.
Here is one thing that I do know - Zeus's favorite is JUNO,
Cuase she's awfully good at - you know, and she's good enough for me.
Mjandirism's not forgotten; we will toast to Horliadon;
Keep it up until we're sodden, which is good enough for me.
KALI's vengeance is a brewing, against all the evil-doing,
It was she shot J. R. Ewing, and that's good enough for me.
We will jump the old bonfire, though the flames are soaring higher;
If you miss you join the pyre, and that's good enough for me.
We will raise our cups to BRAGGI, and we'll drink until we're groggy,
And the pretzels all get soggy, but it's good enough for me.
If you pray to old URANUS, then your crime is truly heinous;
You can stick it in your songbook, cause it's good enough for me.
We will praise the god TOUTATIS, when the pagan frenzy's got us;
Though it strains the epiglottis, still it's good enough for me.
Let us go and worship MIN, though they tell us it's a sin;
New morality is in, and it's good enough for me.
We will prase HUEHUETEOTL, sit around and chew peyotl,
Till we're absolutely totalled, which is good enough for me.
We will all bow down to ALLAH, for he gave his loyal follow-
Ers the mighty petro-dollar, which is good enough for me.
We will go and worship BUDDHA, of the gods there are none cuter;
Comes in silver, brass, and pewter, which is choice enough for me.
We will visit the INFERNO, just to watch those sinners burn-o,
Dante must have been on Sterno, but he's good enough for me.*
We will even worship YODA, though he's small as an iota;
He fulfills his Jedi quota, which is good enough for me.
We will gather on the LAMMAS, it is writ in Nostradamus;
Then we'll take off our pajamas, which is good enough for me.
We will worship ZARATHUSTRA, we will worship like we use'ta;
I'm a Zarathustra boosta, cause he's good enough for me.
We'll pay homage to GODZILLA; in the Oriental thriller,
He did in the big gorilla, and he's good enough for me.
Oh, at Troy no one was meaner than the goddess, great ATHENA;
Mopped them up with Ajax cleaner, which is good enough for me.
Oh, the Welsh gods you announce 'em, ask me my gods to renounce 'em,
But your gods, I can't pronounce 'em - they're not good enough for me.
We will ask a boon of MIMIR, as the northern lights they glimmer;
I would not mind being slimmer, which is good enough for me.
We went off to worship VENUS, and by gosh, you should have seen us;
Now the clinic has to screen us, which is good enough for me.
We will read the KAMA SUTRA; the positions are quite outra,
But as long as you're not neutra, then it's good enough for me.
When I first became a PAGAN, it was daring and outragin';
Now my circle's started agin', but it's good enough for me.
PORCELAIN RALPH'S the Navy's patron, accepts anything you put in;
Comforts sailors on the ocean, and he's good enough for me.
Quit, List, or number to read :348
TROLLSHADOW (To Cat Stevens' "Moonshadow")
Copyright (c) 1984 by Bob Schroeck updated 5-20-89
Chorus: Oh, I'm being followed by a trollshadow,
Trollshadow, trollshadow.
A creeping, stalking little trollshadow.
Trollshadow, trollshadow.
And if I ever lose my knife,
Lose my will to take a life,
Oh, if I ever lose my knife,
Awa-a-ay...
I won't have to slice no more.
And if I ever lose my sword,
I may not fight, but I won't be bored.
Oh, if I ever lose my sword,
Awa-a-ay...
I won't have to hack no more.
(Repeat chorus)
And if I ever lose my axe,
Lose the chance to make attacks,
Oh, if I ever lose my axe,
Awa-a-ay...
I won't have to chop no more.
And if I ever lose my mail,
If my armor starts to fail,
Oh, if I ever lose my mail,
Awa-a-ay...
I won't have to live...
Bridge: Did it take long to find me?
I ask the loathsome thing.
Oh did it take long to find me,
I say, then start to sing:
(Repeat chorus)
Trollshadow, trollshadow,
Trollshadow, trollshadow.
Quit, List, or number to read :I know so LITTLE Latin that I can translate it. ("Oh no! Not again!")
LE> In taberna quando sumus,
LE> non curamus, quid sit humus,
LE> sed ad ludum properamus,
LE> cui semper insudamus.
LE> Quid agatur in taberna,
LE> ubi summus est pincerna,
LE> hoc est opus ut quaeratur;
LE> sic quid loquar, audiatur.
In a tavern while adding [the bill],
still sick, from a pound of chickpea dip,
he said "Advertise lewdly for a proper moose,
or a guy with a temper, in a moose suit."
A pound of agate in the tavern,
the total [of what] was pinched,
the pawnbroker penguin asked;
"I'm tired of booze by the pound, hear?".
LE> Quidam ludunt, quidam bibunt,
LE> quidam indiscrete vivunt;
LE> sed in ludo qui morantur,
LE> ex his quidam denudantur,
LE> quidam ibi vestiuntur,
LE> quidam saccis induuntur:
LE> ibi nullus timet mortem,
LE> sed pro Bacchus mittunt sortem.
The lady was lewd, the lady wore overalls,
the lady was indiscreet about her private parts;
she said "in lewdness is the key to more on tour,
my first husband's new wife is a stripper",
the lady dressed her waterbird,
the lady fired her bondservant:
the waterbird didn't have any time to kill,
said the millionaire as he put his gloves in order.
LE> Primo pro nummata vini;
LE> ex hac bibunt libertini:
LE> semel bibunt pro captivis,
LE> post haec bibunt ter pro vivis,
LE> quater pro Christianis cunctis,
LE> quinquies pro fidelibus defunctis,
LE> sexies pro sororibus vanis,
LE> septies pro militibus silvanis,
LE> octies pro fratribus perversis,
LE> novies pro monachis dispersis,
LE> decies pro navigantibus,
LE> undecies pro discordantibus,
LE> duodecies pro paenitentibus,
LE> tredecies pro iter agentibus,
LE> tam pro papa quam pro rege.
Primed for that numbskull Vinnie;
the former cabbie got overalls free:
half overalls for prisoners,
letter carrier overalls ripped for Vivian,
two bits for a nun's privates,
kinky for the faithful but dysfunctional,
sexy for vain sorority sisters,
septic tanks for the silvered military,
octopusses for frat party perversions,
navies for "dispersed" kings,
VAXen for navigators,
IBMs for Erisians,
two VAXen for prisons,
three VAXen for its agents,
Mrs. Bakker for daddy who doesn't like Reggie Jackson.
LE> Bibit hera, bibit herus,
LE> bibit miles, bibit clerus,
LE> bibit ille, bibit illa,
LE> bibit servus cum ancilla,
LE> bibit velox, bibit piger,
LE> bibit albus, bibit niger,
LE> bibit constans, bibit vagus,
LE> bibit rudis, bibit magus.
Mrs. Zeus is a frog, here is a frog,
miles of frogs, frog priest,
frog illin', Frog Island,
frogs serve us with anchovies,
fast frog, frog pig,
frog record, black frog,
#define FROG 1, frogess privates,
rude frog, magic frog.
LE> Bibit pauper et aegrotus,
LE> bibit exul et ignotus,
LE> bibit puer, bibit canus,
LE> bibit praesul et decanus,
LE> bibit soror, bibit frater,
LE> bibit anus, bibit mater,
LE> bibit iste, bibit ille,
LE> bibit centum, bibit mille.
Poor farmer frog,
exiled uneducated frog,
pure frog, dog frog,
Elvis frog without a walking stick,
sore frog, fractured frog,
asshole frog, mofo frog,
frog that exists, frog illin',
frog on vitamins, the First Dog is a frog.
LE> Parum sescentae nummatae
LE> durant, cum immoderate
LE> bibunt omnes sine meta,
LE> quamvis bibant mente laeta.
LE> Sic nos rodunt omnes gentes,
LE> et sic erimus egentes.
LE> Qui nos rodunt, confundantur
LE> "et cum iustis non scribantur".
Two seasick numbskulls
with big noses, ejaculating big wads
into overall knees and signing some matter,
don't like overalls with mint milk.
The mouse on the gent's knee has a cold,
ad the gent has an earache.
The key to the mouse's nose, confound it is
"blow the judge and I won't write down what you said".
SOME NEO-PAGAN YULE SONGS
from Ellen Reed
SHARE THE LIGHT
(The First Noel)
.
CHORUS:
Share the light, share the light!
Share the light, share the Light!
All paths are one on this holy night!
.
On this Winter holiday, let us stop and recall
That this season is holy to one and to all.
Unto some a Son is born, unto us comes a Sun,
And we know, if they don't that all paths are one.
.
CHORUS
.
Be it Chanukah or Yule,
Christmas time or Solstice night,
All celebrate the eternal light.
Lighted tree or burning log,
Or eight candle flames.
All gods are one god, whatever their names.
.
CHORUS
MOON OF SILVER
(We Three Kings)
.
CHORUS:
Oh, Moon of Silver, Sun of Gold,
Gentle Lady, Lord so bold!
Guide us ever, failing never,
Lead us in ways of old.
.
Maiden, Mother, Ancient Crone,
Queen of Heaven on your throne,
Praise we sing Thee, Love we bring Thee,
For all that you have shown.
CHORUS
.
Lord of Darkness, Lord of Light,
Gentle Brother, King of Might,
Praise we sing thee, Love we bring Thee
On this Solstice night.
CHORUS
SILENT NIGHT
.
Silent night, winter night,
All is calm, all is right.
Nature slumbers in forest and glen
Till in Springtime She wakens again,
Sleeping spirits grow strong.
Sleeping spirits grow strong.
.
Silent night, solstice night,
Silver moon, shining bright.
Snowfall blankets the slumbering Earth.
Yule fires welcome the Sun's rebirth.
Hark! Our Lord is reborn!
Hark! Our Lord is reborn!
.
Silent night, winter night.
Quiet rest, 'till the light.
Turning ever, the rolling wheel
Brings the winter to comfort and heal.
Rest your spirit in peace.
Rest your spirit in peace.
JOY TO THE WORLD
(Note: The first verse was perfect, just as it was!)
.
Joy to the world! The Lord is come!
Let Earth receive her king!
Let every heart prepare him room
And Heaven and Nature sing, etc.
.
Welcome our King who brings us life.
Our Lady gives him birth!
His living light returneth to warm the seeds within us
And wake the sleeping earth, etc.
.
Light we the fires to greet our Lord,
Our Light! Our Life! Our King!
Let every voice be lifted to sing his holy praises,
As Heaven and Nature sing, etc.
YE CHILDREN ALL
(It came upon a midnight clear)
.
Ye children all of Mother Earth
Join hands and we'll circle around
To celebrate this Solistice night
When our lost Lord is found.
Rejoice! The year has begun again.
The Sun blesses skies up above.
So share this season together now
In everlasting love.
BROTHERS, SISTERS, COME AND SING
(Hark, the Herald Angels Sing)
.
Brothers, sisters, come and sing
Glory to the Newborn King.
Gardens peaceful, forests wild,
Celebrate the Holy Child.
Now the time of growing starts.
Joyful voices; joyful hearts,
Cheer the Yule log as it burns,
For, once again, the Sun returns.
Brothers, sisters, come and sing
Glory to the Newborn King.
CHRISTMAS TIME IS PAGAN!
(Gloria in Excelsius Deo)
.
CHORUS:
Glorious!
Christmas time is pagan!
Glorious!
Christmas time is pagan!
.
Christmas time is here again,
Decorations everywhere.
Christmas carols ringing out,
Gentle pagans, we don't care.
CHORUS
.
Modern folks all celebrate
What they learned in Sunday School.
In December, they don't know
They are celebrating Yule!
CHORUS
.
Let them have their Christmas trees,
Decked in red and green and blue.
We rejoice at every one!
Christmas trees are pagan, too.
CHORUS
.
Bowls of bubbly Christmas cheer,
Fill your cup and quench your thirst.
They think the tradition's theirs.
Wassail bowls were pagan, first.
CHORUS
.
Every door and window bears
Wreaths of holly, wreaths of pine.
Circles represent the Sun.
Every wreath is yours and mine.
CHORUS
(more)
Hopeless Warren
-or-
Spaceship Down
by Harry Smothers (c) 1992
[A few millenia later, Mankind had almost wiped animal life off the face
of the Earth. There was still no definitive sign of life in the Outer
Reaches. We seemed doomed to poverty and war - and vegetables.
Then the ship landed. The first true sign of life. Giant rabbits
emerged from the ship; mankind's eyes lit up as a whole. After learning
how to communicate with the big bunnies, they determined that the
nearest ship (to the best of the rabbits' knowledge) was light-centuries
away, and that it had taken themselves many generations to reach Earth.
Mankind now had a purpose in life; To Hunt!]
Fires grow old, and meat gets cold,
And bugs, we never can kill!
Time's cold wind hissing up our backs
Reminds us each to make fast tracks
And head straightaway for the grill!
For the Rabbits have landed,
Tell your children well
Thyme and mint might do to cover the smell
Spits do turn while the far stars burn
And people and jerky strips age!
Shiny ship land, they offer peace --
They have no backup! Let's start the feast!
And grind a ton of Sage!
We know well what cooks can tell --
If you would not roast Rabbit, make stew!
And today their fragile flesh and steel
Have made my children a wondrous meal --
No meat in a year or two...
[Alternative:
And today our wonderful coats and belts
Are made now from space rabbits' pelts
Our slippers and gloves are, too!]
But we who are reaching out for the stars
Are learning to read Rabbit script
And hope for tomorrow, and raise our eyes
Past that puny Moon to the opened skies
In our brand-new Warrentied ship!
For all who've tried out of history's tide,
Salute for the Husbandry team!
And the old hag smiles at her children's seed
That didn't get carried away with greed
And kept Coney Island green!
[We'd better hope the Eagles don't land anytime soon!]
{All those years of not being able to finish anything... Well, I'm not saying
it's great, but it's DONE.}
The Ballad of Harry Smothers
Harry Smothers (c) 1992
My name is Harry Smothers and my age is (mumblety-mumble)
Another body in the filk that's going on till Kingdom come
And I have two brand-new filksongs, and I do the best I can
Now they say the filksing's over, but I think it's just begun
And I remember I was 28 on the day I met Benefiche
In the MileHiCon Con Suite we played Paxton, Ochs and Fish
And I only knew some old folksongs, and he could write so well
He's the first one that I filked with, and the first I aim to kill
So it's next another MileHiCon, then we had four good years
Then I moved to Colorado Springs, and we parted without tears
Then it's 3 years since I left the town, and my paycheck disappears
It was in a trade for Marty Burke, completed just last year.
And now every week I get a check from my employer in Detroit
And it's every week I cash the thing, and each month I come up short
Do you think that makes it all right, that I'm short by 3 percent?
Well, I guess I'll just keep working here; it sure helps to pay the rent.
And I never cared for Classical, Country I don't understand
And I'd never take Top 40, whether AM or FM
But now there's fifty thousand filks in this unhappy land
And fifty thousand Rock'n'Rolls being played by just one band
Well, my name is Harry Smothers and I've just gone (mumblety-mumble)
A new body in the filk that's going on till Kingdom come
Though I seldom write a new filk, I pray God I have new songs!
Now they say the filk is over, but I think it's just begun.
A recent song I wrote about a friend of mine. Some of it is true.
Well this is the tale of a wanderin' young man,
A Shindar called Freyfax by some,
He was making his way through our wicked world,
Just trying to have him some fun.
He walked into London with only his clothes,
And a lass whispered into his ear,
He was shocked for a moment and then shook his hea
And said in a voice loud and clear:
"I'll never forget the advice of my mom,
Who warned me 'bout women like you,
She said never drink beer and keep you sword clean,
No matter what else you might do."
He walked in a bar for to get in the shade,
A wench came to him with some beer,
He sent her away with a wave of his hand,
His words echoing in her ears:
"I'll never forget the advice of my mom,
Who warned me 'bout women like you,
She said never drink beer and keep your sword clean,
No matter what else you might do."
One night, just for fun, his friends spiked his drink,
And he liked it and had him some more,
And when he came to he was somewhere in Wales,
In the arms of a second-class whore.
But he never forgot the advice of his mome,
For more than a weekend or two,
He always drank whiskey and kept his sword sheathed,
No matter what else he might do.
There's no particular tune to this, so feel free to be inventive if you
want to sing it. And if you do come up with a good tune for it I'd
appreciate a copy of the music (being pretty tone-deaf myself [or Monotone
Abled for the PC amongst you]).
Words and music (C) Copyright by Leslie Fish
Worlds grow old and suns grow cold
And death we never can doubt.
TIme~s cold wind wailing down the past,
Reminds us that all flesh is grass
And history~s lamps blow out.
But the Eagle has landed; tell your children when.
Time won~t drive us down to dust again.
Cycles turn while the far stars burn,
And people and planets age.
Life~s crown passes to younger lands,
Time brushes dust of hope from his hands
And turns another page.
But the Eagle has landed; tell your children when.
Time won~t drive us down to dust again.
But we who feel the weight of the wheel
When winter falls over our world
Can hope for tomorrow and raise our eyes
To a silver moon in the opened skies
And a single flag unfurled.
But the Eagle has landed; tell your children when.
Time won~t drive us down to dust again.
We know well what Life can tell:
If you would not perish, then grow.
And today our fragile flesh and steel
Have laid their hands on a vaster wheel
With all of the stars to know
That the Eagle has landed; tell your children when.
Time won~t drive us down to dust again.
From all who tried out of history~s tide,
Salute for the team that won.
And the old Earth smiles at her children~s reach,
The wave that carried us up the beach
To reach for the shining sun.
For the Eagle has landed; tell your children when.
Time won~t drive us down to dust again.
Lyrics and Tune Copyright 1983 Suzette Haden Elgin
Song at the Ready
The Filksing was crowded and lusty when I wandered in just before five<
But off in a corner, all rumpled and dusty, sat a youth about two-thirds
alive.
It twisted my heart just to see him; he was shaking and hungry and pale.
When I patted his knee, he smiled waekly at me, and said, "just let me tell
you my tale!
"Oh,here I sit with my song at the ready and nobody letting me sing
here I sit with my song at the ready; I even bought new strings!
Oh, here I sit, but I don't give up easy, I don't give up with out a
fight.
For I've been here with my song at the ready since day before yesterday
night.
Every tine that another song ended, he would hoist his guitat toward his
chin;
He'd say, "I have a song! You can all sing along!" and then somebody else
would begin.
And he'd sigh, andd he'd sag toward his capo, too tired and discouraged to
speak.
It was clear he'd get no song in edgewise, if he sat there the rest of the
week.
Singing, Chorus
Well' the rules said that I couldn't tell him; but I did what I had to do.
I told him what happens to filk-hogs that never let others play through.
They don't go directly to Heaven, they first must make a punitive stop,
Where they sit on hard chairs, and for Seventeen years, they listen to
Mundanes sing pop!
Chorus.
Thank you David Weingart for the new version of the persistant spider
song. Another nursery rhyme that's been around for aeons is
THREE RODENTS WITH OPTICAL DEFICIENCIES
(CREDIT OR BLAME TO UNA K OWEN AND ANN ONYMOUS)
Three rodents with optical deficiencies
Three rodents with optical deficiencies
See how they perambulate
See how they perambulate
They all perambulated after the agriculturists spouse
Who amputated their cocxycal appendage with a carving utensil
Have you ever observed such an occurence in your sphere
As three rodents with optical deficiencies.
Also:
Row row row your boat
Underneath the stream
ha ha fooled you
I'm a submarine.
From "Singout"
McDonalds is your kind of place
Hamburgers in your face
French fries up your nose
Pickles between your toes
Ketchup running down your back
I want my money back
Before I have a heartattack.
(This was in a column by the really great male folksinger who was in a
car accident a number of years back, and came back to full function
after many many years.)
Another One From The Venerable Raoul Ignatius Benefiche:
Totally Marred
by Raoul I. Benefiche (c) 1992
Tune: Calm Down, It's Only Ones and Zeros
... and a few other Kathy Mar tunes
The parodists are everywhere, and Kathy can't escape
We number in the thousands and we buy up all her tapes.
Our tact is nonexistent, and our meter is much worse
In our rush to make a sow's ear out of Kathy's poor filk purse
Tense up, I think it's Bob Kanefsky.
Tense up, that isn't Kathy's song.
Tense up, it's only Raoul Benefiche.
Please realize that something here is very, very wrong.
I dreamed I went to Heaven Con and dined with Kathy Mar.
Kanef was busy feeding her the strings of her guitar.
Dessert was liquid parody; she couldn't keep it down.
She was drinking up the river, and was just about to drown. (Cho.)
I was listening to Velveteen, when everything turned blue.
Frank Booth was seated next to me, and eating rabbit stew.
The words began to scramble, and my brain went into gear.
Soon the song was a commercial for Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer. (Cho.)
Now, Kathy wrote Shai Hulud, and she wrote it very well;
Kanef turned it to Just Say No and blew it all to hell.
It might work with Cthulhu, and to write that one I crave,
But it might make Kathy was to put some flowers on my grave...
Shut up! I think it's Kathy singing.
Be quiet! She's written a new song.
Tape it, and write down all the lyrics!
If someone writes a parody, could that be really wrong?
We'll put our songs to this tune 'til another comes along
The words we write will fit the tunes of most of Kathy's songs
Uh-oh!
This song is intended as a tribute to Kathy uipon the occasion of her
being Guest of Honor at the 1992 OVFF. The second verse is inspired, in
part, by a parody written by Sourdough Jackson. Frank Booth is a
character in Blue Velvet(een?), directed by David Lynch. ... As usual,
I'm being cheesy and not giving away the chores, but the first one's
probably a D, depending on the singer's vocal range. If you don't
have a range, it starts with D.
JB> MOON OF SILVER (We Three Kings)
Which reminds me:
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts-a lighted cigar
It was loaded
It exploded
BANG!
We two kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts-a lighted cigar
It was loaded
It exploded
BANG!
We one king of Orient are
Bearing gifts-a lighted cigar
It was loaded
It exploded
BANG!
God rest ye merry gentlemen, may nothing you dismay...
I was thinking of:
Scintillate, scintillate, globial vivid.
How shall I fathom thy natural specific?
Lofily poised in ether capacious,
Strongly resembling a gem carbonaceous.
(In case anyone has problems, it's "Twinkle, twinkle little star" <g>).
Or "Show me the way to go home":
Indicate the route to my abode,
I'm fatigued and I wish to retire
I partook some light refreshment sixty minutes ago
And it's travelled to my cerebellum
Wherever I may perambulate
Over land or sea or atmospheric vapur
You will always hear me chanting this melody -
"Indicate the route to my abode"
Neither are original with me - the first was a favourite of my father,
and my mother introduced me to the second...
HOPE EYRIE (c)1976 by Leslie Fish
Worlds grow old and suns grow cold
And death we never can doubt.
Time's cold wind, wailing down the past,
Reminds us that all flesh is grass
And history's lamps blow out.
(Chorus) But the Eagle has landed; tell your children when.
Time won't drive us down to dust again.
Cycles turn while the far stars burn,
And people and planets age.
Life's crown passes to younger lands,
Time brushes dust of hope from his hands
And turns another page.
(Chorus)
But we who feel the weight of the wheel
When winter falls over our world
Can hope for tomorrow and raise our eyes
To a silver moon in the open skies
and a single flag unfurled.
(Chorus)
We know well what Life can tell:
If you would not perish, then grow.
And today our fragile flesh and steel
Have laid their hands on a vaster wheel
With all of the stars to know
(Chorus) That the...
From all who tried out of history's tide,
Salute for the team that won.
And the old Earth smiles at her children's reach,
The wave that carried us up the beach
To reach for the shining sun.
(Chorus) For the...
Anyway, the anthem story (according to my rusty memory of how she told
it at our filk two years ago) was that "Hope Eyrie" somehow got to
Poland, where the eagle is the national symbol; a Polish translation
became one of the inspirational songs of Solidarnosc, the underground
union.
And yes, you can transcribe the story; it'll save me from the typing!
8-)
If you've seen this before, um, well, I'm
not sure any of my posts are going
out, so this is a substantive test.
Lords of the Dance
(to the tune of "Lord of the Dance")
We dance with the murders and we dance with the wars.
We dance with tragedy, famine, drought, and more.
We dance without honor and we dance without shame
and we dance, above all, for the ratings game.
(Chorus)
Dance, dance, wherever you may be
for we are the media of the Dance, that's we.
We tell you what to think and we show you what to see.
And we pray that you don't turn off your t.v.
We'll dance with your daughters and we'll dance with your sons
and we'll dance if and when Armageddon has begun.
We'll dance with empathy and dance with delight
and we'll pray that our viewers never see the light.
FFFFF I L K K fffff i l eeeee
F I L K K f i l e
FFFF I L KK ffff i l eeee
F I L K K f i l e
F I LLLLLL K K f i llllll eeeee
ONE
----------------------------------------------------------------
The first compilation of filksongs collected from the FILK Echo
and provided for download via the auspices of Kay Shapero, moder-
ator of same. Publication date, May 1990. All copyrights belong
to the writers.
FILKfile will appear at irregular intervals of a month or more,
depending on how many songs appear on the echo.
I'm doing this first one in vanilla ascii with the bare minimum
of formatting so as not to create problems for anyone reading it
directly off the system. If folks would like me to provide
margins and form feeds between pages, please let me know.
----------------------------------------------------------------
A CHRISTMAS CAROL
by Charlie Kellner
(to the tune of "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer")
There's Nemorth and Selgrith and Lamanth and Wirenth,
Caylith and Prideth and Ludeth and Ralenth,
But do you recall... the most famous dragon of all?
Ramoth the golden dragon had a very shiny tail,
And if you ever saw it, you would love each golden scale.
None of the other dragons ever let her play their games,
They didn't want poor Ramoth chasing thread and breathing flames.
Then one fateful Threadfall eve, Lessa came to say,
"Ramoth with your tail so bright, won't you guide the weyrs in
flight?"
Then how the dragons loved her, as they shouted out in glee,
"Ramoth the golden dragon, you went back in history!"
Words copyright Charlie Kellner, Dec 1981