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GENERAL SCA SONGS BY VARIOUS AUTHORS
-transcribed by Ioseph of Locksley
*
BOLD SIR ROBIN
-Monty Python
"Bravely bold Sir Robin
Brought forth from Camelot
He was not afraid to die
Brave, bold Sir Robin
He was not at all afraid
To be killed in nasty ways
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin....
He was not in the least bit scared
To be mashed into a pulp
Or to have his eyes gouged out
And his elbows broken
To have his kneecaps split
And his body burned away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled
Brave Sir Robin.....
His head smashed in and his heart cut out
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burnt up
And his penis ....."
*
A GRAZING MACE
-Anonymous
tune: "Amazing Grace"
verses 1-5 by Skald-Brandr Toralfsson
verse 6 is the original anonymous creation
A grazing mace, how sweet the sound, that felled my foe for me
I bashed his head, he struck the ground, and thus came victory
My mace has taught my foes to fear, that mace my fear relieved
How precious did my mace appear, when I my mace received
Through many tourneys wars and fairs, I have already come
My mace has brought me safe thus far, my mace will bring me home
The King has promised good to me, his word my hope secures
I will his shield and weapon be, when he gives me my spurs
And when my mace my foeman nails, that mortal strife shall cease
And we'll possess within our pale, a life of joy and peace
A grazing mace, how sweet the sound that flattened a wretch like thee!
whose head is flat, that once was round done in by my mace....and me!
*
*
TOMORROW BELONGS TO ME!
-Anonymous (Western Irgun version)
tune: "Tomorrow Belongs To Me" (from "Cabaret")
The sands of the Gobi lie gold in the Sun
the Warriors and Herdsmen ride free
But somewhere a voice calls: "Move on, Move on!"
Tomorrow belongs to me!
Ride westward, my children, new pastures are green
Rich cities encircle the Sea
'Tis time for your Glory, so rise, and sing:
Tomorrow belongs to me!
The Outlands have grown too confused to defend
The West has her back to the Sea
The East and the Middle are weak from War
Tomorrow belongs to me!
Meridies weakens from internal strife
Caid is her own enemy!
And young Ansteorra's a babe-in-arms
Tomorrow belongs to me!
Ride westward my children, we'll show them a sign
United we'll always be free!
the morning shall come when the world is MINE!
Tomorrow belongs to me!
Oh Father-of-Kingdoms, come, show us the sign
Your children have waited to see:
The morning shall come when the World is MINE!
Tomorrow belongs to me!
*
*
BIG AXE
-Ragnar Morkwulf
-last two verses: Ioseph of Locksley
tune: "Big Iron" (Marty Robbins)
"Ghost Riders In The Sky"
To the land of Ansteorra sailed a Viking one fine day
He rowed right up the river to Bjornsberg, so they say
No one dared to ask the reason why he came into this land
For the Viking there among them had a Big Axe in his hand.
It was halfway to September when he swaggered into town
He came striding from the Southside, slowly looking all around
"He's a Viking out for plunder!" came the whisper from each man
"And he's here to do some mischief with that Big Axe in his hand!"
Now in this town there was a Norman, by the name of Jean-Eclair
He was foppish, and a dandy, and wore perfume in his hair!
But he was somewhat more than vicious with the rapier at his side
And the many men who faced him were the many men who died.
Now the Norman's skill at wenching was a scandal in the land
and a milkmaid (or a Duchess) were like putty in his hand
He would use them for his pleasure and then send them home in shame
And their menfolk greatly trembled at the mention of his name.
Now the Viking started talking, made it plain to folks around
That he'd come to wreak his vengance on the Norman in the town
Jean-Eclair had bed his sister, and no bride-price had he paid
And he'd sent her back to Norway slightly after she'd been laid....
The Norman merely chuckled when this story he did hear
He sharpened up his rapier - threw down another beer
Forty vengance-seeking brothers he had slain - unto the man!
forty-one would be this Viking with the Big Axe in his hand...
The morning passed by quickly, then 'twas time for them to meet
Wearing puffs and slashes, Jean-Eclair stood in the street
The Viking, dressed in leather, and with furs upon his frame
Was the object of the snobbish Norman's obvious disdain
"I remember now your sister," said the Norman with a smile
"You have similar taste in fashion, and no sense at all of style.
I would rather slay your tailor, but I'll kill you where you stand
You won'[t even have a chance to use that Big Axe in your hand!"
"I sailed all da vay vrom Norway," said the Viking with a sneer
"Not to enter fashion shows; for you would win, I fear.
I come here to find a dog, whose blood I vowed to spill
But it pleases me to see that you are dressed so - for to kill!"
Jean-Eclair glared at the Northman with a face turned scarlet-red
His honour would not let him rest till Viking blood was shed
Townsfolk watched them from the windows - everybody held their breath
They knew this tacky Viking was a hand away from Death.
* more *
Big Axe (cont.)
The Norman started forward, shining Murder in his hand,
The Mistrels say the battle was the swiftest in the land
Rapier'd barely cleared it's scabbard when the Axe came crashing down
And the Norman toppled over, with the Big Axe for a Crown...
It was over in a moment, and the folks all gathered round
There before them lay the body of the Norman on the ground
He had planned to go on living - never thought of lying dead
But it's kinda hard to think when there's a Big Axe in your head!
But then the fop took off his hat, and grinned, and softly said
"Beneath these plumes I wear an iron cap upon my head!"
And with an evil grin he pulled a pistol with a sigh
And shot the great big Northman square between his beady eyes!
So remember all you armoured folk, and think upon it well:
There's lots of different ways to die; there's different ways to hell
You might be big and hairy, on the side of Truth and all
God makes Norsemen big and strong: Friar Bacon makes 'em small!
*
HARP SONG OF THE DANE WOMEN
-Rudyard Kipling
tune by Ioseph of Locksley
What is a woman that you forsake her?
and the hearth fire, and the home-acre?
to go with the old, grey Widow-Maker?
She has no house to lay a guest in
but one chill bed for all to rest in
that the pale suns and the stray bergs nest in
She has no strong white arms to fold you
but the ten times fingering weeds to hold you
out on the rocks where the tide has rolled you
Yet, when the signs of Summer thicken
and the ice breaks and the birch-buds quicken
yearly you turn from our side and sicken
Sicken again for the shouts and the slaughters
you steal away to the lapping waters
and look at your ship in her winter quarters
You forget our mirth, and talk at the tables
the kine in the shed and the horse in the stables
to pitch her sides and go over her cables...
Then you drive out where the storm clouds swallow
and the sound of your oar-blades, falling hollow
is all we have left through the months to follow
Ah...but what is a woman that you forsake her?
and the hearth fire, and the home-acre?
to go with the old, grey Widow-maker?
*
THE SCA HAPPY BIRTHDAY SONG
tune: "Volga Boatmen"
Happy Birthday! (UHH!) Happy Birthday! (UHH!)
Death and gloom and black despair
People dying everywhere
Happy Birthday! (UHH!) Happy Birthday! (UHH!)
Now you are the age you are Fear and gloom and darkness but
Your demise cannot be far no one found out YOU KNOW WHAT
May the candles on your cake You're a period cook, its true
burn like cities in your wake ask the beetles in the stew
Burn the Castle and storm the keep Now your jail-bait days are done
Kill the Women but SAVE THE SHEEP! let's go out and have some fun!
May your deeds with sheep and yaks You must marry very soon
equal those with sword and axe baby's due the next full moon
Your servants steal, your wife's untrue Were I sitting in your shoes
Your children plot to murder you I'd go out and sing the blues
They stole your gold, your sword, your house Tho you're turning 29
They stole your sheep, but not your spouse age to you is like fine wine
so you're 29 again Now you've lived another year
don't tell lies to your good friend age to you is like stale beer
So another year has passed Long ago your hair turned grey
don't look now they're gaining fast! now it's falling out, they say
Black Death has just struck your town It's your birthday never fear
you yourself feel quite run-down You'll be dead this time next year
We brought linen, white as cloud
Now we'll sit and sew your shroud! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
*
*
THE ANACHRONISTIC LOVER
Author unknown (orig. SCA East Kingdom?)
tune: "The Frozen Logger"
As I sat down one evening
'twas in a wayside Inn
a forty year old barmaid came
and whispered by my chin
I see that you're an Anachronist
and not just some modern jerk
for no one but an Anachronist
stirs coffee with a Dirk
I once loved an Anachronist
there's none like him today
he kissed me in a haystack once
and burned up all the hay
he never shaved a whisker
from off his horny hide
he'd just drive them in with a war-mace
and then bite them off inside
He never shaved a whisker
until his helm was full
and the device upon his shield
bespoke a wild bull
He vowed to me one evening
no maidens were my peers
he went off to prove his point
and he's been gone TEN YEARS...!
and so I lost my lover
and in this Inn I work
and sit and wait for someone
to stir coffee with a Dirk....
*
*
THE BALLAD OF THE THREE KINGS
-Sir Bela of Eastmarch
copyright 1980 Poul Anderson
Three Kings rode out on the road to Hell
ravens flew on the gale
the night wind rang like an iron bell
and hissed with sleet and hail
three Kings rode out thru the Gates of Hell
and on to Death's Highway
the King of the Britons
the King of the Huns
and the King of Nor-o-way!
And the King of the Britons was helmed with gold
and rode a stallion white
"Oh all men go when they are cold
but I go not in fright!
A goodly King who loved his Folk
and guarded them with the rod....
and stake...and gallows....against themselves
will surely go to God!"
And the King of the Huns was helmed in steel
and rode a stallion red
"Oh fiercely proud my fathers feel
of me, who crowned my head
halfway round a world in pain,
which I did mightily win
and surely I go to my Father's Fane
and not to the evil Djinn!"
And the King of Norway was helmed with wings
and rode a stallion grey
"Truly proud my heart now feels
Odin gets me today!
I died in bed, ah, but first I hung
full many a squealing thrall
from Odin's Tree. With Rune on tongue
I go now to Odin's Hall!"
Three Kings rode out thru the depths of Hell
with a bloody-breasted Hound
that howls above black rivers that run
icy beneath the ground
Three Kings a Final Judgement won
from the High God's lips that day:
The Devil took the Briton,
the Djinni took the Hun,
and Hell took Nor-o-way!
*
*
THE CAUSES OF REBELLION: LIE, LIE TO THE COUNCIL
-Astra of the Grey Shadows
copyright 1974 Ann Cass
orig. tune: "Retreat Along The Wabash"
a period tune has been written by Ioseph of Locksley
Tell the truth to a Lord you trust
MORE truth to a Lord you hate!
Lie to a Lady, if lie you must,
but since the Lords live far away
and will not heed what the people say:
Lie, Lie, Lie to the Council! Lie to the Heads of State!
Where the low hills sit by the foggy Bay
and the ground all shakes with fire
the High Lords sit in Council today
let them consider the Price they pay
for calling a man a liar!
With a title comes a certain power
and a much more certain schooling
a child may play in a castle tower
but the Lord who does soon sees the hour
He hasn't a Land worth ruling.
For there isn't a man but has his doubts
of the worth of those that rule him
but the good ones he will not turn out
unless he finds he's pushed about
or he thinks they're trying to fool him
there's many a man in the Lands of the East
and a few in the West and Middle
who hold a Lord sits LAST to Feast
thinks FIRST of his men, their Lands and beasts
and THEN of his Pride....a little.
Now, what a man says, and what a man does
are controlled by Laws and Reason;
but half the cause of all men's fights:
what one man calls his Natural Rights
another man may call Treason!
So take care all you who sit in State
take care when you come to judge
the cost of a word in anger is great
but greater still, in lasting Hate,
is the cost of holding a grudge!
So..tell the Truth to a Lord you trust,
MORE truth to a Lord you hate!
Lie to a Lady, if lie you must,
but since the Lords live far away
and will not heed what the people say...
LIE! LIE! LIE TO THE COUNCIL! LIE TO THE HEADS OF STATE!
*
*
THE REAL OLD TIME RELIGION
-only a few of the verses...
tune: "Old Time Religion"
(Chorus): Give me that real old time religion (3X)
It's good enough for me!
We will have a mighty orgy We will sacrifice to Yuggoth
in the honour of Astarte we will sacrifice to Yuggoth
it'll be a mighty party Burn a candle for Yog-Soggoth
and it's good enough for me! and the Goat With a Thousand Young!
We will all be saved by Mithras If your rising sign is Aries
We will all be saved by Mithras You'll be taken by the Fairies
slay the Bull and play the Zithras Meet the Buddah in Benares
on that Resurrection Day! where he'll hit you with a pie!
I hear Valkyries a-comin There are people into Voodoo
In the air their song is comin there are people into Voodoo
they forgot the words! They're hummin! I know I do, I hope you do!
but they're good enough for me! and it's good enough for me!
We will venerate Bubastis We will read from the Kabahlah
We will venerate Bubastis We will read from the Kabahlah
If you want in, then just ask us! It won't get us to Valhalla
'cause that's good enough for me! But it's good enough for me!
We will all bow down to Enlil There are some who practice Shinto
We will all bow down to Enlil there are some who practice Shinto
Pass your Cup and get a refill! there's no telling what WE'RE into!
With bold Gilgamesh the Brave! but that's good enough for me!
We will all see Aphrodite We will all sing Hare Krishna
Though she's pretty wild and flighty We will all sing Hare Krishna
She will meet us in her nightie It's not mentioned in the Mishna
And she's good enough for me! But it's good enough for me!
It was good enough for Loki We will all go to Nirvana
It was good enough for Loki We will all go to Nirvana
He thinks Thor's a little hokey Make a left turn at Urbana
and that's good enough for me! And you'll see the Promised Land!
Here's to those who copy Conan There will be a lot of lovin
Here's to those who copy Conan when we're meetin in our Coven
They're just Followers of Onan Quit yer pushin and yer shovin
and that's good enough for me! So there's room enough for me!
final verse: It's the Opera written for us
We will all join in the chorus
it's the Opera about Boris
which is Godunov for me.....!
*
*
STAND UP, STAND UP FOR ODIN
-Robert Cook
tune: "Stand Up For Jesus"
Stand up! Stand up for Odin, you warriors of the beard!
lift high the Raven Banner that half the world has feared!
From Angleland to far Vinland shall sound the Warrior's Cry
Till every foe is vanquished, and Odin reigns most high!
March forth with steel flashing beneath the naked Sun
and never stand at rest again 'til all the World is won!
Let scarlet sword his symbol carve in every nation's sod
'Til every man still breathing stands up for OdinGod!
Let ships with prows of Dragons the mighty oceans cleave
and every land not Odin's our crimson gifts receive
let Raven Banners fill the sky where every man has trod
And all the soil beneath them belong to OdinGod!
Stand up! Stand up for Odin, you Warriors of the North!
With silver swords a-flashing to victory go forth!
From Angleland to far Vinland our joyous conquest lead
'Til every foe is vanquished, and Odin's Lord, indeed!
*
WE ARE CALLED THE CHIVALRY
-Anonymous
tune: "The Invalids"
We've all been touched by Royalty and wear a white sword belt
and whether on or off the field, our presence will be felt!
One warning we should give to all; please list to what we say:
Unless you also wear the belt, best not get in our way!
(Chorus:) For we are called The Chivalry, our swords are very strong
And while our steel controls the field, well, we can do no wrong!
Our ranks are filled with the elite, the rest are cannon fodder
And as for social graces, well, we never have to bother.
For in this Current Middle Age, we're ROYALTY, not servants!
And if your armour's thick enough, who needs to be observant?
We're proud of being barbarous, our manners are alarming
But when your arms are strong as ours, why bother being charming?
If someone dares to criticise, in word, or deed, or song
We challenge him to trial at arms, and show the world he's wrong!
If someone rises in the field to challenge our control
He doesn't worry us a bit, however brave or bold
This man will not remain a threat, he'll not create a fuss
We'll just give him a belt like ours, then he'll be one of us!
*
*
LOVER'S HEART
-Andy Stewart
Phil Cunningham
recorded by Silly Wizard
"A Glint of Silver"
copyright 1986 Bracken Music Services
Am G Am7 C Dm Dm7 F F-G
She was in the flowery garden when first she caught my eye
Am G Am7 C Dm7 G
and I just a marching soldier; she smiled as I passed by
Dm Em Am C C Am Dm E
the flowers she held were fresh and fair, her lips were full and red
Am G C Am Dm7 G7 C
and as I passed that shady bower, these words to me she said
C G C Am
last night we spoke of love
C Am Dm E
now we're forced to part
Am G C Am
you leave to the sound of a marching drum
Dm7 G7 C
and the beat of a lover's heart
She was by the shore in the evening when next I saw my dear
running barefoot by the water side, she called as I drew near
the sunlight glanced at the water's edge making fire of her auburn hair
my young heart danced at her parting words that hung in the evening air
(chorus)
She was on the Strand next morning when orders came to sail
and as we slipped our ropes away I watched her from the rail
she threw me a rose, which fell between us, and floated on the Bay
and as our ship pulled from the shore, I heard her call and say
(chorus)
Now the soldier's life won't suit me, sweet music is my trade
for I'd rather melt the hardest heart than pierce it with a blade
Let the time be short till I return to my home in the mountains high
and the loving girl who stole my heart with these words as I passed by
(chorus)
*
*
ELRIC THE AWFUL
-Ray Stevens
Way back in history along the Nordic coast
that was the sound all the people feared the most
It would echo thru the night up and down the foggy fj-ord
It was Elric and the bloodthirsty Horde!
Chorus: Elric the Awful, the Brutal and Tenacious
Elric the Awful, the Ruthless and Courageous
Subtle as a chainsaw, lacking all the Social Graces
You can run, but you cannot hide!
YES! And as the oars of the sleek, fierce Viking ship cut thru the water like
knives thru the fog-shrouded Nordic sea, transporting the wild, marauding
band of Viking heathens stealthily towards their unsuspecting, slumbering
victims, there he stood, on the foredeck, Elric the Awful, the wildest,
bloodthirstiest Viking of them all!
(his Momma named him Elric 'cause she couldn't spell AHHGGGRRRFFFFLLLLQQHH!)
He had a hairy head, a hairy face, hairy chest, hairy legs, hairy boots and a
hairy hat, shaped like a big bullet with horns comin' out the sides.....and
once he started after ya he'd NEVER stop!
He'd turn to his oarsmen in his 37 oared fj-ord and he'd say: "MORDEN BORDEN
FJORDEN GORDEN!" which was Viking for:
"YA-HOO!!!!!, RAVAGE, PILLAGE, PLUNDER,
MAIM AND PUT BIG HICKEYS ON ALL THEM FAIR DAMSELS!"
Chorus: And it was Elric the Awful, the Brutal and Tenacious
Elric the Awful, mercy sakes! and goodness gracious!
His appetite for slaughter was simply voracious
You gotta sleep with your sneakers by your side!
YES! And when the villagers heard that awful battle-cry:
* YA-HOOOOOOOOOOO! *
That's the one! They would run for their lives, fleeing over hills and
thru valleys to the river, whereupon they would walk mid-stream for 37 and 1/2
miles, climbing out on the low-lying branch, shinnying down a young sapling
onto rocky ground and leaping from stone to stone until they arrived one week
later at a secret cave 97 miles away, and as they sat down for the first time
to catch their breath, outside they heard:
"YA-HOOOO!!!! MORDEN BORDEN FJORDEN GORDEN!"
Chorus: Yes, it was Elric the Awful, the Brutal and Tenacious
Elric the Awful, turned up in the darndest places
Subtle as a chainsaw, lacking all the Social Graces
You can run, but you cannot hide!
* more *
Elric the Awful (cont.)
OH! And this time they cut south to Paris, bought tickets on the Orient
Express to Istanbul, hired a U-Haul to the Coast, jumped a Greek freighter
across the Mediterranian Sea to MON-golia, hooked up with a camel caravan into
the heart of the Gobi Desert, and as they paused at an oasis, to lift one
handful of cool water to their parched lips, over their shoulder they heard:
"YA-HOOOO!!!! MORDEN BORDEN FJORDEN GORDEN!"
They fled to Calcutta!
* YA-HOOOOOOOO! *
They fled to the Himalayas!
* YA-HOOOOOOOO! *
Tokyo!
* YA-HOOOOOOOO! *
Toronto!
* YA-HOOOOOOOO! *
Toledo and Heyhailea, Georgia.....
* YA-HOOOOOOOO! *
But it was no use! They finally succumbed to a savage plundering and
pillaging followed by a big hickey party on the outskirts of what is now
Washington, DC, where the decendants of Elric can still be found today,
working as Special Agents for the IRS!
Elric later amassed a small fortune posing for Molly Hatchet album covers,
and did stuntwork for Arnold Schwartzenegger in Conan the Barbarian! He also
won an Academy Award for his dual role as a train wreck and his tender
portrayal of King Kong's daddy! Oh, you might remember the end of that one:
there wasn't a dry eye in the house when he married the Empire State Building.
And who could forget the evening he ate the entire Kingdom of the East?
With no sugar?
Chorus: Elric the Awful, the Brutal and Tenacious
Elric the Awful, the Hungry and Voracious
Subtle as a chainsaw, lacking all the Social Graces
You can run but you cannot hide!
* YA-HOOOOOOOOOOO! *
*
*
FLOWER OF THE DESERT
-Baldwin of Erebor
On a warm winter's evening I stopped at an Inn
I met a bold captain; a leader of men
he asked me to join him, for he was alone
and, as he was drinking, he spoke of his home
(Chorus): Oh, Flower of the Desert full well may you boast!
Proud Father-of-Kingdoms from mountains to coast!
the Land of the Phoenix; your works have been felt!
Oh Flower of the Desert: Atenveldt!
When I was a young man and still in my prime
My life stretched before me; I had plenty of time
But now I'm an old man, and I number my days
And I think of my homeland that seems so far away
I've followed the Wars now for many a year
Rode plenty of wenches; drank an ocean of beer
Lived life to the fullest as a soldier must do
but I'd trade it all, freely, for the Atenveldt blue!
The fire died to embers; he drank steadily on
When I woke in the morning the soldier was gone.
But I think of his story wherever I bide
What a beautiful Kingdom to inspire such pride!
*
I'M A PELICAN AND I'M OK
-Anonymous
tune: "I'm A Lumberjack..."
Oh, I'm a Pelican and I'm OK
I work all night and I work all day!
I autocrat, I run events, I order the lava'trie!
On Sundays I clean up the camp; I'm always last to leave!
Oh, I'm a Pelican and I'm OK
I work all night and I work all day!
I wear this bird around my neck to impress both young and old
My talents they are many, and younger Peers I scold!
Oh, I'm a Pelican and I'm OK
I work all night and I work all day!
When things go wrong it's me you seek to put them back on course
If I'm not around to steer things right: there's always God, of course!
Oh I'm a Pelican and I'm OK
I work all night and I work all day!
We stand around and polish Crowns of all the Royalty
We fix Their Thrones, we make no bones, for Pelicans are we!
Yes, I'm a Pelican I'm proud to say
that if it's done right it's done MY way!
*
*
THE CATAPULT SONG
tune: "Tramp Tramp Tramp"
-Zoltan Kovacs
-Heinrich Palantin
-Su of the Silver Horn
-Christobal degli Gilicine
Oh they thought it was a joke when my catapult it broke
And they said it would not fire beyond the wall
So the Captain came to look, and I pulled the trigger hook
And my catapult it caught him in the jaw!
Flip, flip, flip, my Captain's flying
High up o'er the Norman camp!
Well, he landed with a thump
and he crumpled in a lump
with his head between his knees upon a stump!
Yippee yea, my catapult's working
Yippee yea, we'll have a ball!
Oh we'll load it up again
with another Cap-i-tain
and we'll fire the bloody bastard o'er the wall!
*
WILTED ROSE
-Baldwin of Erebor
copyright 1980 Derek Foster
Once I was a Lady of the Blood Royale, a Ruler of this land
Now I spend my time as an Old Used Queen, and I find it's not so grand
(Chorus): With a heigh ho, derry derry down I sing:
Never any fun for an Old Used Queen!
My Lord spends his time out on the Field, and dreams of strawberry leaves
I spend my days in a castle room..embroidering on his sleeves!
The other Ladies sit and talk of Barons, Dukes and Kings
But when I draw near they stand, and bow, and don't tell me a thing!
The common folk may flout and flirt and frolic in the grass
I'm the Model of Decorum..it's dull as hell!...no one will make a Pass!
But someday soon, there'll be a change: I'm learning how to fight!
And my Lord will learn, when I become a Duchess in my own damn Right!
With a heigh ho, derry derry down he'll sing:
Never any fun for an old used....King!
*
*
THE ALCOHOLIC'S ANTHEM
-Christchurch NZ University Revue
tune: "Men Of Harlech"
What's the use of drinking tea
indulging in sobriety?
(and) tee-total perversity?
It's healthier to booze!
What's the use of milk and water?
these are drinks that never oughter
be allowed in any quarter
Come on, lose your Blues!
Mix yourself a Shandy!
Drown yourself in brandy!
A Sherry sweet, a Whiskey neat,
or any kind of likker that is handy!
There's no blinking sense in drinking
any thing that doesn't make you stinking
There's no happiness like sinking
blotto to the floor!
Put an end to all frustration
drinking may be your salvation
end it all in dissapation
rotten to the core!
Abberations metabolic
Ceilings that are hyperbolic
these are for the Alcoholic
lying on the floor!
Vodka for the arty
Gin, to make you hearty!
Lemonade was only made
for drinking if your mother's at the party!
So stay clear of home-made beer
and anything that isn't labeled "clear"
There is nothing else to fear!
Bottoms up, my boys!
*
I SING OF DEAD BUNNIES
-Anonymous, but Moonwulf started it!
tune: "Sweet Betsy From Pike"
I sing of dead bunnies, and burnt baby chicks
Barbecued squirrels, and hamsters on sticks
Ducklings in blenders, and frogs off the road
Opossums on fenders and deep french-fried toad!
Sliced and diced sparrows, dead dogs on the lawn
Cats riddled with arrows, and disemboweled faun
Pickled canaries, and clubbed baby seals
Mice served in berries, and turtles 'neath wheels
Minced baby earwigs, koala fillet
Rat Pie with custard, and cockroach puree
Fred's little brother, and Mystery Beast:
These are the things that they served at the Feast
*
MADIERA,M'DEAR
- Michael Flanders and Donald Swann
* recorded by the Limelighters,
Electra Records LPM 2272 "Tonight:In Person"
She was young, she was pure, she was new, she was NICE
she was fair, she was Sweet Seventeen.
He was old, he was vile, and no stranger to Vice
he was Bad, he was Base, he was Mean....
He had slyly inviegled her up to his flat
to view his collection of.....stamps ( all un-perforated...)
and he said as he hastened to put out the cat
the wine, his cigar.....and the lamps:
"Have some Madiera, m'dear.....
it's ever so much nicer than Beer!
I don't care for Sherry, and one cannot drink Stout,
and Port is a wine I can well do without!
( Actually it's a case of 'Chacun a son GOUT....')
Have some Madiera, m'dear?"
She sipped it, she drank it, she drained it, she did!
He slyly re-filled it again,
and he said, as he secretly carved one more notch
on the butt of his gold-handled cane....
"Have some Madiera, m'dear?
I have a small cask of it here...
and once it's been opened, well, you know it won't keep,
DO finish it up; it will help you to...sleep...."
"Have some Madiera, m'dear?
You really have nothing to fear..
Now if it were Gin you'd do wrong to say 'yes'
the Evil Gin Does would be hard to assess...
(and, besides, it's inclined to affect my Prowess....)
Have some Madiera, m'dear?"
Then there flashed thru her mind what her mother had said
with her ante-pen-ultimate breath:
"Oh, my child, should you gaze on the Wine When 'Tis Red:
BE PREPARED FOR A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH!"
She let go the glass with a shy little cry ( eek! )
Crash! Tinkle! it fell to the floor
When he said: "What in Heaven?" She made no reply
but took off in a dash for the door!
"Have some Madiera, m'dear?"
Rang out down the hall, loud and clear
in a tremulous voice that was filled with Despair
as she paused to take breath in the cool, midnite air...
"Have some Madiera, m'dear?......"
The words seemed to ring in her ear......
Until the next morning she woke up, in bed
with a smile on her lips, and an ache in her head....
and a BEARD at her earlobe which * tickled *, and said:
"Have some Madiera, m'dear???????"
*
*
THE UNFORTUNATE MUNDANE
-Pat Fiona McFarland
tune: "The Unfortunate Man"
There once was a mundane who searched far and wide
for a genuine "Lady" to stand by his side
At last he found one that quite fit the bill
and he courted and married a girl from Three Hills
At the wedding the mundane made one big mistake
'twas not in omitting the wine or the cake
the ring was well chosen, and no one was bored...
but he didn't ask what she meant by the "Dark Horde!"
(Chorus): He's a very unfortunate, very unfortunate, very unfortunate man!
That night in their chambers the Lady arose
and began to prepare to retire in repose
the husband sat near her, admiring her charms,
that gave him such pleasure to hold in his arms.
She doffed off her surcoat of white, to reveal
a belt that was lit'rally dripping with steel!
And the rose in his cheek quickly grew very faint
when he saw they were live steel, and not wood-and-paint!
(Chorus)
She went to the mirror to take off her belt
and she saw in reflection how her husband felt
said she "Don't be frightened or shiver in dread..
For I'll only wear two when we get into bed!"
She took twenty more from her boots and her hair
then she proceeded to doff gown so fair
and her trembleing husband got quite a surprise
for beneath it she wore chain-mail made to her size!
(Chorus)
Now all you mundanes who would marry for life
be sure you examine an SCA wife
don't be like the turkey who trusted his eyes
and a little bit later got quite a surprise!
(Chorus)
*
*
HUNG OVER BARBARIAN
-Robert Asprin
tune: "Teddy-bears' Picnic"
E Am E Am E Am E Am
If you go out on the streets today, you better not go alone!
C G C G C G C
Do not go out on the streets today, it's safer to stay at home!
F G C Am G
The least excuse that ever there was today will mean a challenge because
F C F C G C
From drink last night old Fafhrd is quite....hungover!
C
Hungover Barbarian! You'd best beware of him,
G7
he's certainly not himself today!
If you see him better run
C
'cause you'll get killed if you get in his way!
he is in a cloud of gloom, so give him lots of room
F
and better not come too near!
C
you gentle folk who value your lives better stay at home today
F G7 C
'cause Fafhrd's hung over out to HERE!
E7
so......
If you go out on the streets today, you better go with a guard!
There's lots of pleasanter ways to die than be crushed by a ton of lard
If you pretend my mountainous friend is not a threat, you'll come to your end
For Fafhrd's quite prepared for a fight..........
He'd like to pound you into the ground...........
You'd best beware! You'd better take care!
His head and brain in TERRIBLE pain..............
from drink last night old Fafhrd is quite........hung over!
*
*
THE ANCIENT AND OLD IRISH CONDOM
-Anonymous
tune: "Rosin the Beau"
I was up to me arse in the muck, Sir,
with a peat contract down in the bog
When me shovel it struck something hard, Sir,
that I thought was a rock or a log
T'was a box of the finest old oak, Sir,
T'was a foot long, and four inches wide
and not giving a damn for the Fairies
I just took a quick look inside
Now I opened the lid of this box, Sir,
and I swear that my story is true
T'was an ancient and old Irish condom
A relic of Brian Boru
T'was an ancient and old Irish condom
T'was a foot long, and made of elk hide,
With a little gold tag on it's end, Sir,
with his name, rank, and stud fee inscribed
Now, I cast me mind back thru the ages
To the days of that horny old Celt
With his wife lyin' by on the bed, Sir,
As he stood by the fire in his pelt
And I thought that I heard Brian whisper
As he stood in the fire's rosy light
"Well, you've had yer own way long enough, dear...
'Tis the hairy side outside, tonight."
*
* end: SONGS1.TXT: Locksley's Black Book of Song