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Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net
Episode 9
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Martin
(The crew of the Infinity is continuing on their way to find the
explanation to Life, the Net, and Everything. It is a unbelievably long
trip. It is also notably nasty as Martin insists on droning on and on
about what a waste of time it all is and how it will probably be quite
depressing once the destination is reached and so on. Off in the
distance, they hear pounding type noises. The sounds appear to be
getting closer.)
Gillian: What do you think it is?
Arnold Lint:I don't know.
Xaphod: Maybe it's some new and amazingly interesting people.
Martin: I hope not.
Rod: It's definitely getting closer, let's duck out of sight just
to be safe.
(Rod and company duck behind a nearby paperweight. The pounding sounds
can now be identified as the sounds of people running. Mixed in is a
metallic clinking sound and various shouts and yells. As the sound gets
closer, Arnold discerns that there is also a splatting type of sound
mixed in.)
Arnold Lint:What is that?
Xaphod: Could be a Rigelian Megapede.
Rod: Or a Richard Simmons show.
(The source of the sound now comes into view. The first thing seen is a
group of seven joggers, of various ages, sexes, and creeds, running for
all they are worth. Close on their heels are two blokes in a Land Rover,
they each wield a large club and a large can of beer. They are, in fact,
none other than Australian Joggering champions Bruce Karnage and Bruce
Bludletter.)
Bruce: Here Bruce, get closer and I'll get another.
Bruce: Right Bruce.
Bruce: Naw, closer, Bruce.
Bruce: Pass me a beer, Bruce.
Bruce: Right Bruce.
(The Land Rover approaches the slowest jogger and Bruce pockets him in
the corner with a polo-like shot to the head, causing little bits of
brain to spurt out his ears.)
Bruce: That was lovely, Bruce!
Bruce: Thank you, Bruce.
(The joggers and the joggerers depart, the racket follows them, as well
it should.)
Rod: That was great, what a shot.
Arnold Lint:That was awful, how vicious and cruel.
Martin: I don't know, I almost enjoyed it.
Gillian: What do they call that.
Xaphod: That's joggering, lovely sport.
Rod: Let's go already.
Arnold Lint:What a savage Net we live in.
[**********************************************************************
"The Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net" indicates that one of the most
savage races in the known Net are the Incindarans. These types make the
normal Flamers look like choir boys. These types liked to censor shows
like "8 is Enough" due to it's immoral plot lines. They even went so far
as to publish 'G' rated versions of the Old, New, and Video Testaments
(blessed be the Holy Box). Legend has it that their system was kept off
the Net for a long period of time. Their system lords felt that this
would be best in light of the tendencies of those in the system. Things
got so bad in Incindara that the system lords decided they better find
someone else to fight before they wiped themselves out. So the
Incindaran system was let onto the Net. They were so busy fighting
amongst each other that nobody noticed the portal to the Net. An errant
message found its way to Incindara which made them all realize that they
were not alone. They selected their most learned scholar, Clyd Noeitall,
to investigate the wondrous Net. It was the first time Incindara had
taken enough time out from fighting to do anything. It was indeed a
great day. He and his colleagues than set out and talked with the Net
for the first time. Unfortunately, they came in right in the middle of
the debates over Big Mac's. Upon seeing this, Clyd turned to his
colleague and said: "No, it's all got to go". Following this they began
to systematically torch almost every place in the Net. A long war
followed in which the Incindarans lost badly. The Net, being a bit
ticked off, decided on a punishment that suited the crime. They took
away all the 'n' keys on every terminal in Incindara. Unfortunately,
they forgot to make Incindara a read-only location, allowing the
Incindarans to verbally flame. The few Incindarans who survived can
still be found flaming at will about everything they read (which is
everything as there are no 'n' keys). The once proud and feared
Incindarans have been reduced to ranting about Burger King, drunk
drivers, sterilizing non-supporters of ERA, and so on. "The Hitch
Hikers Guide To The Net" warns all Net travellers that when such types
are encountered, the best course of action is to abort the debate, as it
is probably pointless anyway.