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Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net
Episode 6
(Flarg Brittashik is leading the crew of the Infinity down the contorted
stairway toward the interior of Netrothea.)
Martin: What an awful place, why do we bother to go on?
Xaphod: Quiet!
Flarg: Actually, he's right. One of the things we Netrotheans
proved was that the Net does not actually exist. It
therefore follows that nothing we do really matters at all.
Arnold Lint:What?
Flarg: Is that all you can say you mindless, facial emation!
Rod: What do you mean "we don't exist"?
Flarg: Well, first we approached the problem assuming that we were
a unique Net. There is none other like us in the entire
domain of space, right?
Rod: Right . . .
Flarg: Well, if we are alone, how do we know we are? Without
another Net to tell us we are, we may not be. We could just
be the figments of our imaginations. How do you KNOW that
that cat over there does in fact have 5 legs? You see it,
but what's to say that it is actually there. Do you follow?
[********************************************************************
What Flarg Brittashik was pointing out was the famed five-legged cat of
Felix Major. The "The Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net" indicates that the
myth of the five-legged cat was actually the result of the heavy
drinking done on Felix Major. You see, the female of the species on
Felix Major is covered with a blue slime which eventually dissolves her
mate if contact is maintained for too long. Because of this, the men on
Felix Major spend a lot of time in bars discussing the differences
between being Kosher and being a Cannibal. They tend to drink an awful
lot while discussing this topic. In their usually intoxicated state, it
is not difficult to mistake a cat for having a fifth leg if viewed side
ways (or as having one eye if viewed from the rear). The "The Hitch
Hikers Guide To The Net" also points out that the favorite drink on
Felix Major is called the 'Intesto-rout'. It is mixed as follows: Mix
equal parts of gin, whiskey, rye, vodka, rum, bourbon, and brandy. Add a
cup of beer that has been left in a gym locker for 3 days. To this add 5
Ex-Lax pills, 1 Valium, 2 No-Doz, and half a lid of grass. Mix it well
in a Hamilton Blech mixer. Now add a rotten egg, a decaying guppy, the
spleen of 10 freshly killed frogs, and about a fist full of goat brains.
Again mix it all up. To add a bit of zip to the mixture, add some
Drain-O. Now put the whole mixture under a dead horse for 37 hours.
After it has aged, filter it through the right kidney of a rabid llama
and serve it in a slightly soiled bed pan with an olive. Felix Major,
quite obviously developed quite a drunk driving problem. The solution
arrived at was simple and logical. They simply ground up offenders and
added them to 'Intest-rout's. Rumor has it that this extra ingredient
gave the drink the full bodied taste it had always been lacking.