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Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net
Episode 5 - Netrothea
(The Infinity is about to land on Netrothea. It is here that Xaphod hopes
to find a wealth of data to sell back to the Net for immense profits.)
Rod: Okay Martin, lets land.
Martin: Do we have to?
Xaphod: Yes!
Martin: Very well.
Gillian: Cheer up Martin, maybe you'll meet a nice lady android.
Wouldn't that be nice.
Martin: Not really.
Arnold Lint:How 'bout a nice male android?
Martin: That's right more abuse, aren't things bad enough already?
Besides, how can an android be homosexual? Come to think of
it, we can't be heterosexual either! How dreadful.
Rod: Quiet, we've landed.
Xaphod: How fantastic!
Gillian: How wonderful.
Martin: How awful.
All: Oh shut up!
Xaphod: Right, lets go!
(The door to the Infinity opens to reveal the landscape of Netrothea. It
is indeed a strange landscape. The ground has the consistency of a
partially frozen waterbed covered with rich Corinthian leather. Flames
spring forth from the soil in primordial splendor, displaying brilliant
patterns of red and green. Off in the distance, great orange hills
reflect the light of the purple sun. Polka-dotted polygram clouds move
swiftly in uneven patterns across the blue and grey striped sky. The hills
seemed to have been polished by the winds of time into huge reflective
mounds which make light dance on the valleys below. Great forests of
trees are off to the right. The trees are only 4 feet tall, but 20 feet
wide. Stainless steel leaves hang from their bubble gum branches as pink
and black steam spews from their exposed roots. The air stings with the
scent of stale oysters and rotting, 3 day old, MacDougals BigMuck's.
There is still no sign of civilization. The 12" CRT on Xaphod's shoulder
starts up: "This is David Halfmind. Tomorrow on 'Good Morning Idiots',
we'll discuss herpes, the death penalty, and aerobics at the office. We'll
also be talking with Yassir Arrafat about fashions for hot climates . In
addition, we'll have some wonderful holiday recipes from the Ayatollah
Khomieni. Also, don't miss our special feature, 'A trip to the Police
Morgue', which we'll show right after the weather report."]
Gillian: Ugh, how awful.
Martin: That's what I keep telling you.
Xaphod: Wow, what a great place for a vacation.
Arnold Lint:Yah, if you enjoy misery.
["The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" lists Netrothea as being in the top
10 places frequented by masochists. The wretched climate and unfriendly
people (who used to inhabit the place) made Netrothea about as much fun as
a spinal tap performed with a boat hook. Netrothea's popularity waned as
more and more places of vastly inferior quality were either discovered or
created. When these new, modern, haunts-for-the-very-sick hit the market,
old establishments (like Netrothea) were doomed. The Netrothean government
tried to boost tourist trade by offering 'Club Mud' vacations to
Netrothea's famous 'Bile Bog', but it was to no avail.]
Martin: I can't even enjoy misery, I hate this place too.
Rod: Quiet!
Xaphod: Lets go over there.
(Arnold Lint and crew make their way around the 20 foot wide trees, past
the 40 foot tall monolith, under the stop watch draped over the towel
rack, and over the 10 foot diameter pimple. They finally arrive at a door
set into the ground. A stuffed penguin stands by the door, on it's head is
a button labeled "Ring for Verbal Abuse". Etched into the door are the
words:
"X = 101010 Copyrighted by Deep Thought, so bug off".)
Arnold Lint:One-Zero-One-Zero-One-Zero? What does it mean?
Xaphod: I don't know?
Gillian: Should we press the button?
Rod: Might as well.
Xaphod: (Trying to open the door) Yah, the door's locked anyway.
Arnold, why don't YOU press the button.
Arnold Lint:Thank you very much, I think not.
Martin: All right, I'll do it.
(Martin presses the button, the door flies open, and a man pops out to
great the Infinity crew. He is dressed in a business suit and sports a
"Stupidity is it's own reward" button on his jacket.)
Man: Well, what do you want you smelly, squirming insignificant
vermin?
Rod: We wanted to get in the door . . . who are you?
Man: Oh, I'm Flarg Brittashik, awfully nice to meet you.
Xaphod: (Confused) You're names' what?
Flarg: FLARG BRITTASHIK, what are deaf as well as stupid? What a
bunch of mindless, horrific oafs!
Arnold Lint:Look you, just let us in the door and then push off!!
Flarg: Why didn't you say so, follow me.
(Flarg descends down the stairs, the rest follow. The stairs form a
spiral, with a half-gainer twist, descending at an incredible rate to the
interior of Netrothea. The stairway is lit by the glow from halibut fished
out of the sea around the nearby nuclear power plant.)
Rod: Where are we going?
Flarg: WHERE ARE WE GOING?! What a perfectly stupid question. We're
obviously going down you sickening, malodorous pervert!
Gillian: Do you realize that you're insulting us, and then the next
moment being polite to us?
Flarg: Oh, am I? I hadn't noticed.
Rod: Well it's bloody annoying, mate.
Flarg: Well, tough rocko's if I do, you wiper of other people's
behinds!
[The act of wiping other peoples behinds, according to "The Hitch Hikers
Guide to the Net", was once considered a quite honorable profession in
certain areas of the Net. In fact, many of the old regimes went so far as
to have Royal Behind Wipers (or RBW's for those readers used to TLA's -
three letter acronyms) whose sole task it was to walk around behind his
or her appointed monarch with toilet paper in hand and perform the
specified duty. Although this may seem an unpopular job, the pay was quite
good. As such, positions as Royal 'Pooper Scoopers' were often granted
based on tournaments. These tournaments resembled the earth's olympics
except for two facets. First, all events (actually, they only lasted for
one event) were fought to the death. And second, any event thought up had
to involve the creative use of human excrement. ]
Martin: You know, I would have thought any place as awful as this
might have been amusing to me. But it's just as bad as the
rest of the Net. Good thing I'm just an android and don't
have to ponder the reasons why the Net is as it is. I can just
be content knowing that it can only get worse.
Xaphod: One more word out of you, and I'll go at your memory banks
with a chain saw!!!
******************** End Of Part 5 ********************
What will Arnold Lint and the crew of the Infinity find in Netrothea? Will
Flarg Brittashik insult them to distraction? Or are they already
distracted? Will Xaphod end up doing a lumber jack-job on Martin's memory
banks? In the off chance of being told the answers to these, and other,
ad-libed questions . . . Tune in next time . . . same Net-time . . .
same Net-channel.
danielle