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Welfare Bloopers Fare Well
The following excerpts are drawn from letters written by citizens applying
for payments from a state welfare agency. Some readers might question my taste
in using these applications. My answer is that I am an equal opportunmity
collector, and I believe that all members of our society should have the chance
to contribute bloopers to Anguished English:
* I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
* In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins
in the enclosed envelope.
* I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate.
This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
* Unless I get my money soon I will be forced to live an immortal life.
* You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make a
difference?
* I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of
which is a mistake as you can see.
* I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?
* I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born.
* Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited
regularly by the clergy
* Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now
living with can't eat or do anything until he knows.
* In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10
pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.
* I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children I have on
half a sheet of paper.
* My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had
any relief since.
* I want my money as quick as I can get it. I've been in bed with the
doctor for two weeks now and he doesn't do me any good. If things
don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.