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Official Usenet Alt.Folklore.Urban Frequently Posted Legends
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Call me Ishmael. Or don't, since it's not actually my name. This is
alt.folklore.urban -- the newsgroup where nonsense is revered as an
artform, and debunking has been taken to new heights.
The group has broadened out from a place for discussing urban legends
(ULs) to a place for confirming or disproving beliefs and facts of all
kinds, including origin of vernacular ("whole nine yards", "Bob's your
uncle"), common scientific fallacies, obscure points of history, stories
of pranks and so on. In other words, it's a great place to get a reality
check on anything that "a friend" told you, and to compare notes about
odd things. You may be able to get better information elsewhere. But
certainly not more entertaining!
As a result, you will find items which are in the classic urban legend
mold (e.g., food contamination legends), as well as old wives tales, and
other oddball facts, trivia, and stories.
The purpose of summarizing these frequently-seen legends is to provide
a guide to veracity and their experience in this newsgroup.
Key to one liners below:
T = 100% scientific truth
Tb = believed true, but not conclusively proven
F = 100% falsehood
Fb = believed false, but not conclusively proven
U = unanswered and may be unanswerable
P = Maybe it didn't happen, but it's scientifically possible
(used extremely sparingly, where the opposite is expected,
as it could apply to just about every legend)
While many if not most ULs cannot be traced back to any original true
incidents, such a conection may be established for some of the more
recent ones. Also, there are classic ULs which may, coincidentally,
have a true manifestation. Therefore, in future editions of this FAQ
list, I am considering including a new code (something along the lines
of "Ft") which indicates the classic UL status of the legend and a
reference to a "true" incident. Of course, clear documentation subject
to the constraints of e-mail, time, and how I feel will be needed to
establish this.
I have also begun to collect references to specific volumes of JHB's to
document various classic ULs. This is a slow and on-going process.
Acronyms for Jan Harold Brunvand's books in the list below are:
TVH - _The Vanishing Hitchhiker_
TMP - _The Mexican Pet_
TCD - _The Choking Doberman_
C!BA - _Curses! Broiled Again_
NOMINATIONS FOR THE OFFICIAL MOTTO OF A.F.U.
"It could have happened, so it must be true."
"Sheesh!"
"Sorry to inject some facts into this newsgroup"
"It COULD have happened so it MUST have happened"
"Bula Vinaka"
"I read it on USENET so it must be true."
OFFICIAL AFU MASCOT
- My pet King snake, Elvis
Since the FAQ list has really gotten quite large and, dare I say it,
unwieldy; I have taken to including a list of the various categories.
A caveat though, there are many interesting points that may not be
immediately obvious (for various reasons) so if you have the time,
try wading through the whole list, you may find more interesting things!
Note to those with case-sensitive systems, the categories are in all
capitals. Sorry Norway, et al. (why does this sound like a Dreyfuss
commercial?)
To those readers acquainted with past versions of the list, I am making
on-going enhancements including the reorganization of categories and
the like. Feedback welcome.
Okay, the major categories are:
- The Misappliance of Science
- The 'Plane Truth (What goes up...)
- Does Not Compute
- Twinkie Twitter
- Mysterious Medical Maladies
- Wind Powered Fantasies
- Stupid Academia Tricks
- Stupid People Tricks
- How Firm is Your Foundation? (Architectural Legends)
- Astonishing Antipodean Antics
- Lewd Food (Most of yer standard "contamination legends" and "horrors")
- Snuff Movies
- Upstanding Legends of the Penis and Scrotum
- Hide the Salami (plus other "sex and scandal" legends)
- Disney Dementia
- Government and Other Conspiracies (Bob's Your Uncle)
- Wild Life in the Fast Lane
- Legends About Natatory Capabilities of Large Anthropoid Primates
- Astounding Avian Anomalies
- Doggie Style and Cattie Wumpus
- Other Animal Crackers
- Anthropod Crackers
- References and Credits
================================================================================
THE MISAPPLIANCE OF SCIENCE
F. You can make as much ice faster by starting with warmer water.
T. Boiled water freezes faster than ordinary water at same initial temp.
T. Hot water evaporates while freezing, producing 75% of ice in 90% of time.
F. A penny falling from height of Empire State building will embed in pavement.
T. Coriolis force affects fluids if you take incredible pains to isolate it.
Fb.Microwaving your panties kills yeast infections (cold spots in oven...)
T. Soldiers break step when marching over bridges (trivially observed).
U. Bridge falls down if soldiers don't break step when marching over.
Fb.Bridge falls down due to resonance if soldiers don't break step marching over
Broughton suspension bridge, England April 14 1831, fell under soldiers
march, but prob just overloaded, not resonating. M Brader posted Times story!
F. Otherwise sound bridge falls down if soldiers don't break step marching over.
(There have been no documented instances of this)
F. Bath water drains the other way round in other hemisphere, due to Coriolis.
F. Coloring your CD rim with special marker will enhance sound quality.
F. People explode or boil or something when exposed to the vacuum of space.
F. Eelskin wallet demagnetizes bank cards (nope, but magnetic clasp might).
T. Venus and perhaps a few other bright stars/planets can be seen in daylight.
F. Daylight sky appears dark enough to see stars from bottom of deep well.
F. Bubbles in bubble wrap contain a cheap, but toxic gas.
U. East German secret police "bug" factory now uses skills to make hearing aids
F. Hot-drying acid-washed jeans "re-activates" the acid (Nope, but might shrink)
F. Ontario Hydro mandated poor installation,so copper fails as often as Aluminum
T. Fluorescent light will light up when held near high-voltage line.
Tb.Fluorescent light will break down vitamins in clear milk containers.
F. Fluorescent lights leach vitamins from your body
Tb.Leather saddles used to be treated with llama dung to avoid scaring horses
Tb.The spec. for leather saddles got copied for leather jackets...
T. 3M "post-it" notes were invented & marketed as an unofficial project
T. Subliminal messages in advertising are ineffective, but outlawed anyway.
U. Filamentous phage M13 obtained from lab's letter rejecting the transfer!
T. Long term keeping of paper in a PVC envelope is harmful (fumes degrade it).
T. Some combinations of metal tooth fillings can receive radio signals.
Fb.Printer/copier toner is carcinogenic. But be careful about breathing it.
F. The moon is larger near the horizon than up in the sky due to the atmosphere.
Tb.Folks once used something called a "slide rule" to perform math calculations.
Tb.Gary Swift is a baaaaad boy. Must be that northern hemisphere moon.
F. US and USSR won't destroy their cultures of smallpox for fear of bio- war.
THE 'PLANE TRUTH (WHAT GOES UP...)
T. 800ft diameter asteroid passed within 500K miles of hitting earth in 1989.
Tb.Confused pilots occasionally land on tiny strip short of correct airport
T. F51D plane can flip due to engine torque. (A. Frisbie posted pilot's manual!)
Tb.US Govt fixed plane transponders always report positions (catch drug imports)
T. Airforce/manufacturers tests planes by firing chickens from special cannon.
U. Person fitted rocket/JATO unit to car, embedded in rockface at first bend.
Tb Cessna planes aren't sold in the US anymore due to threat of liability suits.
T. Beechcraft, Piper and Mooney still make & sell planes in the US however...
T. Secret code for a hijack is "TRANSPONDER SEVEN FIVE ZERO ZERO".
Tb.Leave flaps down when off the active as a request for armed intervention!!
F. The Great Wall of China can be seen with the naked eye from the moon.
T. Many manmade structures can be seen with the naked eye from Earth orbit.
F. Shuttle crew did secret experiment on how to make love in zero gravity.
Tb.Parachute mishap brought down a Cessna (gently) on a novice's parachute.
DOES NOT COMPUTE
T. Apple use a Cray to design hardware systems; Cray use an Apple...
T. Prodigy grabs large sectors of the disk, containing data from deleted files.
F. Prodigy slyly reads your disk & nefariously uploads your top secrets to IBM
F. Stories about Seymour Cray's strange hobbies (annual boat burning etc).
F. The FCC is proposing a modem tax (Nope, the proposal died in 1987).
U. Bill Gates has $750K Porsche 959 he can't use; no type compliance,no license!
U. New computer system "lost" a Montgomery Ward Calif warehouse for 3 years...
T. "q=q++;" is an undefined statement under ANSI C (same object modified twice).
TWINKIE TWITTER
T. "animal or vegetable shortening" on ingredients list == LARD
F. Hostess snacks (Twinkies, Cupcakes, etc.) aren't baked! They set,like jello
Fb.Twinkies eat mold... If mold grows on a twinkie, the twinkie digests it...
MYSTERIOUS MEDICAL MALADIES
U. Woman had "tree in the bedina" -- potato used as pessary, sprouted...
U. Woman had "Smiling Mighty Jesus" -- spinal meningitis.
U. Woman had "sick as hell anemia" -- sickle cell anemia
U. Woman named child "Nosmo King" after sign on delivery room door.
F. There is a special ward for "Newky Brown" addicts in Newcastle General
WIND-POWERED FANTASIES
T. Fin-de-siecle Frenchman,Petomane,got rich farting as music hall act.Fartist.
U. Blowback from ignited fart, singed frat-boy's intestines.
U. Vet cut vent-hole in cow's flank, lit escaping gases, burned down barn...
STUPID ACADEMIA TRICKS
T. Prof lists famous unsolved problems;student thought it was homework- solved!
["The Unsolvable Math Problem" in C!BA.]
Fb.Student cheats on exam, asks "do you know who I am?",jams paper in exam pile!
(No, the above was *not* the precedent for the Am/Ex advertisements.)
Fb.Professor jostled; misses watch; grabs back from jostler; later finds at home
[Variation of "The Jogger's Billfold" in TCD]
F. College roommate commits suicide, gets you an automatic "A" for courses.
["The Suicide Rule" in C!BA.]
Tb.Student gets tuition $ by making video asking for $0.01 from each person.
Fb.Students find rolled-up carpet; take and unroll in dorm room to find a body.
Fb.Student kills self during exam by putting 2 pencils in nose and hitting desk.
STUPID PEOPLE TRICKS
T. Craig Shergold, UK cancer kid,sought postcards, overwhelmed with 33 million.
T. Craig Shergold, UK health plan wouldn't operate;Kluge paid; tumor was benign!
T. Craig Shergold's 12th birthday was June 24, 1991. From now June 24 is AFUday.
T. But he sure as heck doesn't want or need anymore cards now.
T. A variation of the above now includes a call for business cards.
[The classic American UL in this genre is documented as "Postcards for
Little Buddy" in C!BA]
T. Person high on drugs stares at sun -- gets partial blindness.
U. Errol Flynn was invited to "black tie" party; went nude, except for black tie
T. The beggars with "will work for food" signs are just extra sympathy scams.
T. People have been injured by rocking a vending machine, which falls on them.
Fb.Man's house demolished after friend placed ad in paper for a joke.
Fb.US GI captures Iraqi soldier - they knew each other from Chicago.
F. Special chemical for swim pools, turns bright color on contact with urine.
F. Half the stupid stories the "twin piques" Ann Landers & Dear Abby reprint.
F. "3 Men & a Baby" has a scene with a real ghost in it.
F. Wife sprays toilet with flammable bug spray, husband shits, smokes, explodes.
F. "Blue star" or cartoon character "tattoos" laced with LSD sold at schools.
["Blue Star Acid" in C!BA]
Fb.Aluminum ring pull tabs are collected & exchanged for dialysis machine time.
["Redemption Rumors" in TMP]
F. Chanting "Mary Worth" before a mirror summons dead spirit at slumber parties.
["I Believe in Mary Worth" see TMP]
Tb.You can catch diseases (crabs, lice, herpes, VD, etc) from public toilets.
Fb.Male athlete cheats drug test with wife's pee; test shows he's pregnant.
T. Infirm, elderly, obese alcoholics have set themselves on fire occasionally.
F. People occasionally spontaneously combust and burn to death. Whoompfh!
F. Cabbage patch dolls are possessed by the devil.
Fb.Couple stays in odoriferous hotel room;informed next day of body in mattress.
F. Someone is crushed to death trying to shrink blue jeans by wearing in tub.
["Product Defect and Liability Legends" in TCD]
F. Tourists' room is burgled, later finds snaps of "toothbrush up thief's ass".
T. Woman goes into epileptic seizures upon hearing Mary Hart's voice of ET.
T. Jack Campin needs his name as a verb on AFU, let's help him out folks!
HOW FIRM IS YOUR FOUNDATION? (ARCHITECTURAL LEGENDS)
F. Building is built backwards. Public criticizes; Architect commits suicide.
F. Various university libraries sink; books heavier than architect thought!
F. Same as above, but pool not library, weight of water, not books.
F. Lots of bldgs (malls, etc.) are rumored to be sinking into the ground.
[For the above four, see "Back to the Drawing Board--Some Architectural
Legends" in C!BA]
T. Some universities, cities are riddled with semi-secret utility tunnels.
T. Clouds and other weather can transpire in the upper parts of high structures.
ASTONISHING ANTIPODEAN ANTICS
F. Some part of Australia is antipodal to some part of N. America or Europe.
T. Cane toads are now a plague, originally imported to eat cane beetles.
U. Koalas are always stoned/drunk, as they eat alcohol in eucalyptus leaves.
U. Koalas, being filled with eucalyptus oil, "explode" in bushfires.
F. Kangaroos deliver the mail in the outback.
U. "Goanna Oil" dissolves muscle protein. Goannas are large native lizards.
U. Driver fools tourists in Milford tunnel bus, says motorbike is oncoming train
U. Dingos eat babies. Australian courts say YES, NO, YES.
Fb.Aussies put vegemite under eyelids to get high. Yum!
Tb.Aussies use 6 ft long earthworms for *extra* fun.
LEWD FOOD
T. There's a bunch of kosher Chinese restaurants in big East Coast cities.
T. Most mass-market beers contain "foaming agents" to make them form a head.
U. Eating lots of chicken fast food causes males to grow breasts (from hormones)
T. Eggs and chicken are horribly contaminated, and should NOT be eaten raw.
T. Unless marked "dairy", fast food shakes aren't milk: mostly carrageen gel.
T. Lead leaches from lead crystal decanters into drinks;this is not good for you
Tb.Eating carrots may improve night vision, because of large amounts of Vit A.
Tb.Microwaved food is better (other cooking allegedly creates carcinogens)
Tb.Eating celery takes more energy than its digestion yields.
U. Mick Jagger used a Mars bar as a dildo on nubile pop loon Marianne Faithful
F,T,T,U.Fast food places use unusual ingredients: worm, 'roo meat, seaweed, rat.
["'The Kentucky Fried Rat' and Other Nasties" in TVH]
F. Stranger at restaurant eats your cookies, you grab, later find you took his.
["The Packet of Biscuits" in TCD]
F. Cook cheated into buying Mrs Fields' recipe, gets revenge by spreading it.
["The Mrs. Fields Cookie Recipe" in C!BA. This UL is probably a descendant
of the "Red Velvet Cake" UL in TVH]
F. Aspirin and Coca-Cola taken together get you high. (Nope. May cause insomnia)
F. Drinking distilled water is bad for you since you don't get "trace minerals"
F. Green M&M's ("Smarties" in UK and Canada) are an aphrodisiac
F. Red M&M's are a carcinogen (Nope, they used red dye #5,not dangerous #2)
F. Ingesting a tapeworm will help you slim, so people do this regularly
["'Bosom Serpent' Legends" in TCD.]
T. Many CIA (and other gov't) snackbars are staffed by blind people.
F. Grape seeds can get caught in your appendix and give you appendicitis.
T. British army doses water with bromide (for purification), soldiers say it's..
U. ... to suppress soldiers' libidos. US Army salts their peters with saltpeter.
Fb.Kennedy family made their pile thru a Scotch import monopoly
Tb.Kennedy family made their pile thru smuggling Scotch during prohibition.
F. The red leaves of Poinsettias (aka the Christmas Plant) are deadly poisonous
["The Poinsettia Myth" in TMP]
T. People have been poisoned by eating food cooked on burning oleander branches.
Tb.Asparagus stinks up pee, but ability to smell it is genetically inherited.
T. Fresh seeds from plants of rose family react to form cyanide in the body.
T. Lots of Asian restaurants have humorous names to English speakers.
F. Mikey (Life cereal) exploded from eating Pop Rocks with soda (You wish!)
["The Death of Little Mikey" in TCD]
Fb.A popular Mexican beer was rumored to be made with urine.
T. Some people like to eat the placenta (aka afterbirth) of their children.
F. Shampoos and foreign beauty aids are made from placentas and aborted babies.
F. Couple travels to exotic locale with pet dog. Eaterie prepares it for them.
["Food and Restaurant Rumors and Legends" & "Unfortunate Pet Legends" in TCD]
F. Ethnic eateries (Chinese/East Indian/Italian) use cat/dog/human meat.
["The Eaten Pets" and "Further Ethnic Stereotype Legends" in TMP]
SNUFF MOVIES
By definition, a snuff film is one in which the film is the *purpose* of
(rather than incidental to) the murder. I.e. if they ran out of film, the
murder would be postponed until someone could run down to the 7-11 & get
more. Paul Lanning, the FBI's chief researcher into child pornographers
was quoted by "The Times" of London:
"In 20 years I have not seen any hard evidence that they have
commercially produced sexually explicit films of murders for the
gratification of other people. Simulated snuff movies using
special effects are so realistic there is no point in risking life
in jail."
Note to the new reader: please don't send or post e-mail saying "snuff movies