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From gord@geac.UUCP Tue May 23 18:30:07 1989
From: gord@geac.UUCP (Gord Armstrong)
Subject: T Shirt Collection
Keywords: chuckle, some sexual or mildly offensive
Date: 23 May 89 23:30:07 GMT
A Collection of T Shirt sayings
--------
-Son of Baglady
-Pity the poor egg: it only gets laid once
-The Hunchback of Notre Dame's secret mantra: Oh mommy pat my
hump.
-What's good for Ugoose is good for Uganda.
-We have them just where they want us.
J. T. Kirk
-I'd rather have Lockheed deliver the mail than ride around in a
plane built by the post office.
-Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to
get you.
-I figure I'm pretty good with the bullshit but I love listening
to an expert. Keep talking.
-Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a
couple of hours.
-The meek shall inherit the Earth after we're done with it.
-The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the
ground and miss.
Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxie
-Love is blind but like is just too freaked out to see straight.
-Reality is a crutch for people who can't face drugs.
-When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.
Art Denman
-Sex is a disrobic experience
-Beam me up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here.
J.T. Kirk
-Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from
mediocre minds.
Albert Einstein
-Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
-Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
-We are the people our parents warned us about.
-Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive.
-Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
-How much sin can I get away with and still go to heaven?
-There is intelligent life on Earth, but I'm just visiting.
-Power means not having to respond.
-Onward, through the fog.
-Never kick a man unless he's down.
-Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
-We should forgive our enemies, but only after they've been taken
out and shot.
-The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that
you've got it made.
-I'm not as dumb as you look.
-I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
-Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I'll have another
beer.
-How can I love you if you won't lie down?
-I'd rather be pissed off than pissed on.
-You can find sympathy between shit and syphilis in the
dictionary.
-When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble,
delegate.
-To err is human. To forgive is unusual.
-Only those who attempt the absurd can acheive the impossible.
-I'm not going deaf. I'm ignoring you.
-I'm the person your mother warned you about.
-How can I tell you I love you when you're sitting on my face?
-God is dead and I want His job.
-Work is the curse of the drinking class.
-I can tell you're lying. Your lips are moving.
-Our parents were never our age.
-Nothing was ever accomplished by a reasonable person.
-There's nothing more restful than taking orders from fools.
-Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
-In the country of the blind the one eye'd man is king.
-He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth.
-It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by
turkeys.
-When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better.
Mae West
-I'm really enjoying not talking to you, so let's not talk again
real soon, okay?
-He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
-Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
-You can't fall off the floor.
-Death is the greatest kick of all. That's why they save it for
last.
-Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me.
Mae West
-I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.
-I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
-I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with
the lost.
-Yesterday was the deadline on all complaints.
-Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours.
-Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
-I worship the ground that awaits you.
-The future isn't what it used to be.
-I wish you were a beer.
-I want to live forever or die in the attempt.
-Love means telling you why you're sorry.
-Love your enemies. It'll make 'em crazy.
-Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
-I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
-I'm having a party in my pants. Want to come?
-Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be
impossible?
-Perfect paranoia is perfect awareness.
-Better dead than mellow.
-If I follow you home will you keep me?
-A day without fusion is like a day without sunshine.
-There is no gravity. The Earth sucks.
-Buerocrats do not change the course of the ship of state. They
merely adjust the compass.
-The difference between meat and fish is that if you beat your
fish it dies
-It's better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and
not have it.
-You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a
kind word.
-Don't think of organ donations as giving up part of yourself to
keep a total stranger alive. It's really a total stranger giving
up almost all of themselves to keep part of you alive.
-The number of people watching you is directly proportional to
the stupidity of your action.
-Drink wet cement: Get Stoned.
-Kite fliers keep it up longer.
-My human experiance is just beginning (This one on a little
kid's shirt)
-If you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
-An easily understood, workable falsehood is more useful than a
complex, incomprehesable truth.
-You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear
them.
(Anon)
-Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to
you for the rest of the day.
-Farmhands Feel Better
(ron mcdowell)
-Nuke the whales
-Join the Army: travel to exotic distant lands; meet exciting,
unusual people and kill them.
-We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.
-Life is like a shit sandwich. The more bread you have, the less
shit you have to eat.
-I don't know. I don't care. And it doesn't make any difference.
-Those of you who think they know everything are very annoying to
those of us who do.
-When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one
I've never tried before.
-It's not that you and I are so clever, but that the others are
such fools.
-If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with
bullshit.
-I'm not cynical. Just experianced.
-The torture never stops.
-Ignore alien orders.
-I know you think you uderstood what I said, but what you heard
was not what I meant.
-I'm not wearing any underwear. Film at 11.
-Bend over. I'll drive.
-I don't have a drinking problem.
I drink
I get drunk
I fall down
No problem
-Save our beaches. Harpoon a fat chick.
-We dive at five.
-I'd walk over you to see the Who.
-It's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am.
-I'm for lust.
-I want a meal, not a snack.
-Bullshit Detector. When alarm sounds, please re-engage your
brain.
-The word today is Legs ... Spread the word.
-Biodegradeable
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.