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Welcome to Late NIght with David Letterman, and don?t forget that little bastard Paul and the worlds most dangerous band!
DAVE LETTERMANS BEST TOP 10 FROM 1989 - (incomplete)
Top 10 Things Overheard at the All-Star Game - July 11, 1989
10.See all those kids in the right field bleachers? Steve Garvey's.
9.What the hell is Al Sharpton doing coaching third?
8.Somebody call Dodger Stadium and see if Reagan went there by mistake.
7.Boy! All-Stars sure scratch themselves a lot!
6.I know Reagan is doing the play-by-play, but why is Jimmy Carter selling
nachos?
5.Look! Tommy Lasorda's taking a leak in the parking lot!
4.Because the rules say we have to pick one member from every team -- please
welcome Doug Jones of the Cleveland Indians.
3.Yes, Mr. President, they've used gloves for some time now.
2.More kraut on that dog Miss Garbo?
1.Steinbrenner, though he has no connection with this particular contest,
sucks.
Top 10 Safety Tips for Flag Burners - July 12, 1989
Don't even think about burning one in the presence of a certain proud
American: Namely me, Dave Letterman.
Top 10 New York City Fashion Statements - July 13, 1989
10. Honey, I Shrunk the Pants.
9. Blind Date.
8. Bozo's Mistress.
7. Dressed to Grill.
6. America's Most Wanted.
5. Your Ad Here.
4. Ghostbusters III.
3. Mork from New York.
2. Hey Look -- Hookers!
1. To the Opera, James.
President Bush's Top 10 Gaffes While in Europe - July 14, 1989
10. Addressed heads of lesser-developed nations in baby talk.
9. When presented with vintage camembert commented "Phew! What died?"
8. Ill-conceived speech to French military command: "We bailed out your sorry
butts."
7. Tried to go into Hungarian 7-Eleven without shirt or shoes.
6. Gave away ending of "Ghostbusters II" to Lech Walesa.
5. Remarked to Bulgarian minister "You people sure turn out some good
carnival acts."
4. Asked curator at the Louvre "Where's the pictures of naked broads?"
3. Accidentally told other world leaders that Quayle is vice president.
2. Washed out shorts in the bidet.
1. Loudly announcing everywhere he went "Ich bin ein Batman."
Top 10 Features of the New Stealth Bomber - July 18, 1989
10. Has 2" ball hitch on back so it can pull stealth trailer.
9. Makes square and crescent shaped ice cubes.
8. Plenty of room on wing for Trump logo.
7. Computer tabulator shows pilot up-to-the-minute frequent flyer mileage.
6. Easiest plane ever for pouring Pepsi upside down.
5. Siren sounds if monster appears on wing like in Twilight Zone.
4. Nose cone opens to release spring-loaded boxing glove.
3. Enormous speakers can be heard playing "We Will Rock You" across a
continent.
2. Advanced bombsights allow crew to deliver payload right down Khadafy's
shorts.
1. Kids fly free.
Batman's Top 10 Pet Peeves - July 19, 1989
10. After dramatic entrance at scene of crime, having to convince everybody
he's not a professional wrestler.
9. When you can see outline of underwear through Bat Suit.
8. Punks who gather around and smart off while he's getting gas for the
Batmobile.
7. Nuclear power source for utility belt has rendered him sterile.
6. Really stupid people that shout out, "Hey! Where's Tonto?"
5. When dry cleaners accidentally switches Bat Suit and San Diego Chicken
costume.
4. When an episode focuses way too much on Jake.
3. Seeing Alfred the butler talking to Albert Goldman.
2. The way any two-bit moron with a flashlight and a piece of cardboard can
summon him at night.
1. When people call him "The Batman" -- it's just "Batman," damn it!
Top 10 Things Dave Would Have Said if He'd Been First Man on the Moon
- July 20, 1989
10. Any music for this, Paul?
9. Reminds me of Muncie.
8. I'm sorry officer. I didn't realize I was going 18,000 mph.
7. Could you hold that cue card a little higher?
6. If I drink one more packet of Tang, I'm gonna puke.
5. Hello Casey? I have really long distance dedication.
4. Man, do I have to take a leak!
3. Phylicia Ayers-Allen -- will you marry me?
2. Hey! It's Elvis!
1. One small step for Dave; one giant leap for Dave's moonlanding T-shirt
sales.
Top 10 Names for the Letterman Estate - July 25, 1989
10. Camp David
9. Graceland North
8. Drifter's Haven
7. The Old Helmsley Place
6. Colonel Dave's Post World War III Love Bunker
5. The Deep Woods Tick Ranch
4. The Taj Ma Hal Gurnee
3. The House that Ruth Buzzi Built
2. The Swankienda
1. Shangri-Dave
Top 10 Secrets Felix Bloch Revealed to the Soviets - July 26, 1989
10. The stealth bomber can be knocked out of the sky with an ordinary garden
hose.
9. So-called "secret sauce" is nothing but catsup and mayonnaise mixed
together.
8. Take the Reds and two runs over the Padres.
7. The Joker didn't really die at the end of "Batman".
6. Tom Brokaw's American Express number: 360-9950-4425 (expires 4/91).
5. 101 guaranteed sure-fire pickup lines.
4. The true identity of the San Diego Chicken.
3. Try lemon juice on those stubborn grass stains.
2. Helen Hayes goes nuts when you blow on the back of her neck.
1. Dan Quayle is only pretending to be a dumb guy.
Top 10 Ways Dave Will Lower His Cholesterol - July 27, 1989
10. Use skim milk in my coffee instead of mayonnaise.
9. Have my private nurse discontinue the intravenous liquid cheese feedings.
8. Pay a 10-year-old kid to take my test for me.
7. Cancel my annual "Cool Hand Luke" egg-eating contest.
6. Visit a quack nutritionist in Guatemala who for $1,000 will play with the
numbers and give me a low count.
5. Instead of sitting in my chair and telling my assistant to run my errands,
I'll walk over to her desk and tell her to do them.
4. Replace cholesterol-clogged arms and legs with cool bionic limbs.
3. No more fooling around on weekends answering door in sculpted beard of
butter.
2. No longer use blacking-out as signal to stop at all-you-can-eat fried clam
bars.
1. Use my wealth and power to pressure the A.M.A. to dangerously lower their
standards.
Adnan Khashoggi's Top 10 Money-Saving Tips - July 28, 1989
10. If you're careful, a yacht can be used more than once.
9. HBO or Cinemax -- not both.
8. Caviar Helper.
7. Have Leona Helmsley do all your shopping for you.
6. No more loans to Pete Rose.
5. For entertainment at next party, hire Frank Sinatra Jr.
4. Don't pay a lot for your muffler.
3. Live at Letterman's place for a while.
2. Two words: token sucking.
1. Quit trying to keep up with the Trumps.
Top 10 New York City Hats - August 1, 1989 [another visual one]
10. The psychedelic juicer
9. F.T.D.-lightful
8. They were all out of Batman hats
7. Probably Steve Garvey's
6. Buy one get one free
5. Mom and Dad -- my fiance
4. Looking for Dave's house
3. Honey, I shrunk the hat
2. We hope it's a hat
1. The guy from Ipanema
Top 10 Ways Rob Lowe Could Fulfill His Community Service - August 2,
1989
10. Share tips with high school audio-visual clubs.
9. Give counseling sessions to Steve Garvey.
8. Pose nude for prison art classes.
7. Spend one Saturday each month as Yankee manager.
6. Read aloud to Dan Quayle.
5. Lecture to church groups on differences between Beta and VHS.
4. Clean graffiti off back of Roger Ebert.
3. Hunt down and kill Judd Nelson.
2. Remind apathetic youth of rewards of getting involved in political
conventions.
1. Keep eye open for Bat Signal while Batman naps.
Top 10 Reasons Dave Would Make a Good Father - August 3, 1989
10. My hairpiece makes a great crib toy.
9. House already loaded with Cocoa-Puffs and Tang.
8. Could praise fingerpainting because I'm used to lying to guests about how
good they were.
7. Generous gifts to my old college guarantee kids get at least a third-rate
education.
6. Kids and I could learn the facts of life together.
5. I'd know when to switch from Cycle 1 to Cycle 2.
4. We could do an Oldsmobile commercial together.
3. I'm loaded.
2. If scheduled babysitter doesn't show up, I could always book Marv Albert.
1. If Dick van Patten can do it, so can I.
August 4, 1989 -- Missed it. Sorry!
Top 10 Demands of the Striking Telephone Workers - August 8, 1989
10. Sick of getting paid in quarters.
9. Make it illegal for people to answer the phone: "Yel-lo!"
8. Full protective clothing and breathing apparatus for guys who clean
mouthpieces of New York City payphones.
7. Can refuse to repair phones shaped like cartoon cats.
6. Right to listen in on Rob Lowe's phone conversations.
5. Operators no longer have to make busy-signal sound with their mouths.
4. Power to send National Guard troops to level homes of people with funny
answering machine messages.
3. Authorization to say, "Look it up yourself, you lazy sack of crud."
2. The right to call everyone "Larry" -- as in: "Thank you for using AT&T,
Larry."
1. Stop all the damn ringing! Ringing! Ringing!
Top 10 Cartoons Shows in Iran - August 9, 1989
10. Ayatollah Turtle
9. Scooby Abu Nidal
8. Dennis the Brainwashed Skyjacking Menace
7. Teenage Mutant Ninja Mullahs
6. George Bush, the Pork Rind-Eating Infidel Dog
5. Super-Sloppy Rushdie Hunt!
4. Carlos the Jackal
3. Popeye the Uncircumcised Sailor
2. The Moose in the Burnoose
1. Really Looney Tunes
Top 10 Better Ways To Spend $166 Billion - August 10, 1989
10. Put aluminum siding on every house on the planet.
9. Buy Leona Helmsley breakfast.
8. Back-to-school clothes for all of Steve Garvey's kids.
7. Cab ride from JFK to Manhattan.
6. Marry Robin Givens.
5. Give it to Pete Rose. See if he can double it.
4. Hire Jack Nicholson to play Yosemite Sam on this show every night for a
year.
3. Give fabulous gifts for the Late Night audience -- the best damn audience
in the world.
2. Pay a real lot for your muffler.
1. Walk into every pet shop in the world and announce, "Hey everybody! The
dogs are on me!"
Top 10 New York City Tourist Attractions - August 11, 1989 [This was
another visual one]
10. The Sewer Rat Petting Zoo
9. The Health Inspector Evasion Drill
8. Leona Helmsley's Closet: A Look into the Future
7. Bailout! The Savings and Loan Musical
6. Sidewalk Siskel
5. The Hollywood Squares Minimum Security Prison
4. The King
3. The Desperately Lonely Man's Escort Service
2. The Ayatollah's U.S. Tour '89
1. Mike Tyson's Spit-Bucket Wishing Well
Top 10 Lessons from Woodstock - August 15, 1989
10. Not everyone looks good naked.
9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee.
8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee.
7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe!
6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na.
5. Never attend an event with a 50,000-to-1 person to Port-a-San ratio.
4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style.
3. A drum solo cannot be too long.
2. I, Dave Letterman, will never rent out my farm again.
1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to
future generations.
Top 10 Pet Peeves of the Ghost of Elvis - August 18, 1989
10. Never got a chance to try them Dove Bars.
9. Ghost of Leonardo Da Vinci never really thanked me for the Cadillac I gave
him.
8. When people you never heard of claim you live in their toaster.
7. 7-Elevens in Netherworld don't carry Ring-Dings.
6. That pansy Casper.
5. Being a bodiless vaporous spirit makes it hard to hold a chili dog.
4. All those strangers walking through my house.
3. A couple of movies and every nut with a vacuum cleaner thinks he's a
"ghostbuster."
2. I wore capes before Batman made it hip.
1. Trying to get ouija board to spell out "double order of ribs to go."
Top 10 Reasons Cher Couldn't Make It on the Show - August 19, 1989
10. One of her tattoos is infected.
9. Blown transmission on the Chermobile.
8. Double date with Luis Polonia.
7. Today is her baking day.
6. For national security reasons, she and Buck Henry cannot be in the same
place at the same time.
5. Slipping cheekbone implants causing her to look like playful squirrel.
4. Recent revelation that her perfume releases a gas that peels paint off
cars.
3. Heard Paul Prudhomme was going to wear same outfit.
2. Her gene-splicing research is at a critical stage.
1. She's very, very shy.
Top 10 Columbian Tourist Slogans - September 5, 1989
10. You can't put a street value on fun.
9. Where the hits just keep on comin'!
8. Bored with Beirut?
7. Where every jungle clearing is an international airport.
6. Not affiliated with the Columbia School of Broadcasting.
5. Meet Juan Valdez and tour his "coffee" plantation.
4. 10,000 money-laundering Swiss bankers can't be wrong.
3. A one-ounce "souvenir" can pay for your entire vacation.
2. Tourists? We don't need no stinking tourists!
1. It's like Club Med with car bombs!
Top 10 Thoughts of New Yorkers - September 6, 1989 [another visual one]
10. Say, that old lady is holding her own against those three punks.
9. I hope that's from a dripping air conditioner.
8. If they only knew that I, Don Diego -- am Zorro!
7. This is the worst Hawaiian vacation I've ever been on.
6. Hey! Those hot dogs smell like Mom!
5. Mrs. Lasorda... Mrs. Tommy Lasorda... Mr. & Mrs. Thomas Lasorda... Mrs. T.
Lasorda... Tommy and me....
4. I'm going to sit on this bench until my legs are a deep mahogany.
3. Hey! Those hot dogs smell like Mom!
2. Another hour and I break for lunch.
1. I wish I had a holster like the other kids.
Top 10 Signs that Jim Bakker Is Sane and Competent - September 7, 1989
10. No longer believes he's being stared at by Pez dispenser.
9. Thinks Rorschach inkblots look like Tammy Faye's makeup.
8. Conversations with God now limited to weather and sports.
7. Withdrew his Miss America entry form.
6. Declared he would never intentionally pay a lot for his muffler.
5. Voices in his head now play love songs -- nothing but love songs.
4. He's an excellent driver.
3. Now understands big scary invisible animals are as afraid of him as he is
of them.
2. Has started interviewing church secretaries again.
1. He didn't wait two years for tickets to watch someone groom a poodle.
Top 10 Reasons Arnold Schwarzenegger Dropped Out as Miss America Judge
- September 8, 1989
10. They wouldn't let him sing "Here She Comes, Miss America."
9. Thought he'd have to wear stupid black robe and powdered wig.
8. Just found out what those bastards did to Bert Parks.
7. Afraid TV Guide would put his head on Ann-Margret's body.
6. Conflict of interest when Miss Massachusetts turned out to be Rose Kennedy.
5. Learned swimsuit pose-off was open only to contestants -- not judges.
4. Heard they wouldn't validate parking.
3. Groin pull.
2. Got better offer to judge Star Search.
1. He's 'whipped.
Top 10 Reasons Hugh Hefner Will Make a Good Father - September 12, 1989
10. Can warm bottles of formula in the hot tub.
9. Could teach child math while explaining how his half-sister is older than
his mother.
8. No greater authority figure than a Dad who hangs around all day in a
bathrobe.
7. Jimmy Caan always available to babysit.
6. Can help them make college choice through a "Girls of the Big Ten"
pictorial.
5. If the kid gets flu, there's plenty of penicillin on hand.
4. Could lull tot to sleep with nursery rhyme about "The Man from Nantucket."
3. Can teach youngster facts of life using nude photos of Mom.
2. Would make the swingingest Little League coach ever.
1. If he didn't care about America's young people, he wouldn't marry them.
Top 10 Ed Koch Excuses - September 13, 1989
10. Leona Helmsley endorsement less help than expected.
9. Shouldn't have boasted about having "the deepest pot holes in the whole
wide world."
8. Graduates of city schools couldn't read name on ballot.
7. Failed to deliver on pledge to go underground and personally capture the
big hairy guy from "Beauty & The Beast."
6. Should have listened when people answered "How'm I doin'?" by saying "You
suck."
5. Mistake declaring crumbling bridges and tunnels "thrill rides."
4. Wasted money buying unseen ads during Letterman show.
3. Should have shook hands and kissed babies -- not vice versa.
2. Became laughing stock when Batman never answered signal outside City Hall.
1. Most Koch supporters lost right to vote when convicted.
Top 10 Reasons Exxon Is Leaving Alaska - September 14, 1989
10. Sometimes had to drive miles to find liquor store.
9. Planning big oil spill off California.
8. Going to start really big job of cleaning up Exxon station restrooms.
7. Somebody thought they saw Bigfoot.
6. Just got contract to take makeup off Tammy Faye Bakker.
5. Decided black gunk covering coastline and wildlife actually looks kind of
cool.
4. Big party this weekend at Captain Hazelwood's.
3. Wanted to be there to give Zsa Zsa all the support she needs.
2. Time to face the fact that Batman isn't gonna answer Bat-signal.
1. Have to move on to screw up bigger and better things.
Top 10 Rules of the Miss America Pageant - September 15, 1989
10. Liposuction is permitted; but not as part of the talent competition.
9. Contestants must check out of judges' hotel rooms by 11:00 a.m.
8. Anyone who takes a water break without asking spends a night in the box.
7. The balk rule will be enforced.
6. Non-finalists standing in the background may smoke discreetly
5. Scholarship money may not be applied toward candy.
4. Contestants with private armies may not topple duly elected winner.
3. No Gabors.
2. For those who have had cosmetic surgery, at least 80% of their bodies must
be from their home state.
1. Contestants may use Vaseline on teeth; not on Gary Collins.
Top 10 Signs that Chef Boyardee Is Losing His Mind - September 19, 1989
10. Believes Spaghetti-O's can be used as birth control device.
9. Obsessed with idea of tomato-based cologne.
8. Recently got engaged to Robin Givens.
7. Test marketing "Pasta 'n' Thumbs."
6. At recent sales meeting, dropped pants and said, "Let's put the boy back
in Boyardee!"
5. Paranoid delusion that wife is sleeping with Uncle Ben.
4. Every few minutes and for no apparent reason, yells "Bingo!" at the top of
his lungs.
3. Believes he is Mrs. David Letterman.
2. Instead of traditional chef's "OK" sign, now just gives the finger.
1. Taken to splashing himself with spaghetti sauce and wandering around bus
station chanting, "Lick me."
Top 10 Signs that Ronald Reagan is Recovering - September 20, 1989
10. He starting to forget things again.
9. Just signed to fight George Forman.
8. Last night, for first time since the operation, he sang along with the
"Three's Company" theme.
7. Returned to post on Sunset and Vine selling maps to the stars' homes.
6. Puts up vigorous fight whenever Nancy just says no.
5. Called Iran to see if they need any weapons.
4. Can distinguish between what he saw in movie and what actually happened in
Broadway musical.
3. No longer takes naked strolls pushing wheelbarrow. Now leaves wheelbarrow
home.
2. Came out of anesthesia shouting, "Bush is president? We're doomed!"
1. Because Nancy says so.
Top 10 Complaints of Jane Pauley - September 21, 1989
10. Deborah Norville points to nameplate on door and asks "Will that come off
easily?"
9. Network garage doesn't have discount rate for dirt bikes.
8. Replaced on news updates by cartoon goose.
7. Commissary's mandatory shirt and shoes rule.
6. Token-sucking not as easy as it looks.
5. 3:00 a.m. calls from liquored-up Linda Ellerbee begging her to try Maxell
House coffee.
4. Barroom bouncers who say "I'll call you" -- but never do.
3. Having to drive Letterman to and from work.
2. Your name has to be "Bill Cosby" before NBC will kiss your butt.
1. Them screamin' brats of hers.
Top 10 Numbers Between One and Ten - September 22, 1989
10. Seven
9. Four
8. Ten
7. Three
6. Eight and a half
5. Nine
4. Two
3. One
2. Eight
1. Five & Six (tie)
Top 10 Mr. Wizard Experiments - October 3, 1989
10. Let's flush a canned ham down the toilet.
9. Will your head fit here?
8. Taking a core sample of Tammy Faye Bakker's mascara.
7. Getting free HBO.
6. How many beers before you make a pass at Bea Arthur?
5. How much Crisco can you eat?
4. Substitution of Folgers Crystals for freshly brewed coffee.
3. Dressing like Mrs. Wizard.
2. A potato in your pocket: the moist, dark world of growth.
1. Those two flight attendants in Dallas.
Top 10 Panamanian Coup Excuses - October 5, 1989
10. Newspaper printed wrong starting time for coup.
9. Thought we were just staging another "battle" for CBS news.
8. All those Spanish street names -- it's easy to get lost!
7. Missed second part of two-part "Mission Impossible" episode coup was based
on.
6. Bernie Goetz never showed.
5. Right in mid-coup, we got word of the Zsa Zsa verdict.
4. Saw pineapple in kitchen and thought Noriega had already been decapitated.
3. Forgot to get express written consent of Major League Baseball.
2. Batman never answered the signal.
1. It turns out Noriega is a pretty OK Joe once you get to know him.
Top 10 Ways the Dalai Lama Will Spend His Nobel Prize Money - October
6, 1989
10. Get saxophone out of hock.
9. No more "budget" English muffins.
8. Give Cadillacs to Sonny and Red.
7. New kitchen cabinets for Mrs. Lama.
6. Give it to Pete Rose; see if he can double it.
5. Bail out Merv Griffin.
4. Put finishing touches on Lamaland amusement park.
3. Kegger!
2. Hush money to former temple secretary.
1. One seriously large order of McDonald's french fries.
Top 10 Recent News Stories from TASS - October 10, 1989
10. Spot on Gorby's head looks like Elvis.
9. Yogurt-eating grandpa is sex king of the Balkans.
8. New secret weapon installed inside Bush's middle finger.
7. Way you cook your cabbage reveals your personality.
6. Khrushchev alive and well and doing the weather on NBC's "Today Show."
5. TV's Roseanne: American lady in a Soviet body.
4. 90-foot zucchini wins blue ribbon at Chernobyl Fair.
3. Jackie Mason out of Yeltsin campaign.
2. Voice from Lenin's tomb says, "I had Cher!"
1. Vodka sales triple; so do UFO sightings.
Top 10 Things that Will Get You Kicked Out of Disney World - October
11, 1989
10. Driving down Main Street USA with Bambi's mother strapped to your fender.
9. Dumping medical waste into Sleeping Beauty's moat.
8. Boarding the monorail and announcing you're Bernie Goetz.
7. Taunting guy in Pluto costume for not being able to get better job.
6. Declaring loudly, "I do believe in Tinkerbell!" in mens room.
5. Going after Chip and Dale with a weed-wacker.
4. After biting into snack bar sandwich saying, "I taste mouse."
3. Taking a leak in the Enchanted Forest.
2. Parading around in "Home of the Matterhorn" underwear.
1. Bringing your own mouse suit.
Top 10 East German Government Explanations for the Mass Defections -
October 13, 1989
10. Moved everyone out for a few days so we could paint the place.
9. We wanted to lighten load of our overworked census takers.
8. Tempted by all those letters from Ed McMahon.
7. They're just going to refill steroid prescriptions.
6. Wanted to scare the French.
5. We couldn't get the Chinese tanks here in time.
4. Auditions for open slot on the "Today Show."
3. They heard there was plenty of room at Letterman's place.
2. They're going to Disney World!
1. Who are we kidding? Communism sucks!
Top 10 Least Popular Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Flavors - October 18, 1989
10. Oprah Mocha
9. Raspberry Rash
8. Norieggnog
7. Cholesterol Chip
6. Zsa Zsa Gaboreo
5. Tiny Filaments O'Tungsten
4. Uninhibited by Cher
3. Stuff-Found-in-Ben-&-Jerry's-Pockets
2. Bus Depot Fudge
1. Hitler Ripple
Top 10 Things Overheard at the Letterman Family Reunion - October 19,
1989
10. "Hey Dave, who drove you here?"
9. "Is this where the line forms to tell Dave your sob story?"
8. "OK. Carnival people on the left side of the table. Circus people on the
right."
7. "Gee. Paul Shaffer albums for everybody. Thanks a lot."
6. "What's it like working with Kathie Lee?"
5. "I heard Donahue gave his whole family Buicks."
4. "That's the best stripper we ever had!"
3. "Cher was right."
2. "Hey! One person in the Port-O-San at a time!"
1. "Where's Dave?"
Top 10 Questions and Comments of the New York City Health Inspectors -
October 20, 1989
10. Does your chef even own a shirt?
9. Such teeming vermin! The food must be excellent!
8. How can I be sure these bills are unmarked?
7. Are you the guys switching Folgers Crystals for regular coffee?
6. I can tell over the phone your place is spotless, Mr. Gotti.
5. If it's caviar, what's it doing in the cat box?
4. How do I say "cash gift" in Korean?
3. Where was the last place you remember seeing your thumb?
2. Oh yeah? Why don't you eat it?
1. Could you put a hairnet on the weasel?
Top 10 Chapter Titles in Nancy Reagan's Book - October 27, 1989
10. Destiny's Detour: My Brief Engagement to Soupy Sales
9. The "Hee-Haw" Years
8. My Son, the Ballerina Sissy-Boy
7. That Hinckley Person Spoils a Day of Shopping
6. A Scary Moment: Ron Thinks He's Invented the Baloney Sandwich
5. Patti Davis: Author, Actress, Beauty ... Oh Alright, Author
4. Raisa Gorbachev: The Jane Wyman of Russia
3. Leona: The Sister I Never Had
2. Skinny-Dipping at Camp David
1. Scared Straight: My Visit to K-Mart
Top 10 Things Overheard at a Senior League Baseball Game - November 2,
1989
10. "Is that a signal or is he adjusting his truss?"
9. "A correction for you home viewers -- that was not in slo-mo."
8. "Are those pinstripes or varicose veins?"
7. "Wow. The wind really got under that hairpiece!"
6. "That's not Morgana! That's Bea Arthur!"
5. "I'll bet he does live through the game, Mr. Rose."
4. "You wanna wake the guy in the on-deck circle?"
3. "Hey batter! Hey batter! ... uh, I forgot what I was going to say."
2. "Oatmeal! Get your nice hot oatmeal!"
1. "Have you ever smelled so much Ben-Gay?"
Top 10 Rejected NBA Promotional Slogans - November 3, 1989
10. It's Dribble-riffic!
9. A couple of white guys sitting around the bench talking.
8. At least our commissioner isn't named "Faye".
7. We hope that squeaking sneaker sound doesn't drive you nuts.
6. No George Steinbrenner!
5. Like big sweaty ballerinas!
4. Sit close and it smells like Cher's perfume!
3. Unlike bowling -- no fat guys!
2. Come see our Johnsons!
1. NBA -- we're easy to spell!
Top 10 Reasons to Vote - November 7, 1989
10. Gives you the chance to take a deep breath in a high school gymnasium.
9. Good practice for voting in TV's "People's Choice" awards.
8. Exciting to pretend big red lever in voting booth is actually power switch
to electric chair.
7. Free pamphlets!
6. When you finish, Red Cross nurse gives you delicious cookies.
5. To keep resident Canadians under control.
4. You can shout over closed voting booth curtain, "Hey! Who used all the
conditioner?"
3. So we can thumb our noses at the Mexicans and their king.
2. So you'll feel personally involved when the new mayor gets hauled off to
jail.
1. Even though it's never come close to happening in 200 years, your one vote
could make the difference!
Top 10 Jim Bakker Prison Nicknames - November 8, 1989
10. Shake 'n' Bakker
9. Crybaby
8. Cringe-Under-the-Couch-Potato
7. The Collection Plate
6. Mr. Too-Good-To-Play-Bridge-with-the-Rest-of-Us
5. Heritage USA's Best Ride
4. Sermon on the Mount
3. That-Guy-Who-Hides-When-His-Wife-Comes-To-Visit
2. P. T. Eligible
1. The Fabulous Bakker Boy
Top 10 Ways the Iranians Will Spend the $567 Million - November 9, 1989
10. Upgrade hijackers to first class.
9. Have the Reagans visit 283 times.
8. Set up research lab to develop untippable coffin.
7. Kegger!
6. Commission movie biography of Salman Rushdie starring the guy who played
Horshack.
5. Pay for tourism campaign: "Iran -- sort of like Amish country."
4. Lure the Cowsills out of retirement.
3. New York City taxi licenses for everybody!
2. Next pizza: extra cheese!
1. Take the Mrs. to Atlantic City.
Well there you have it folks! That?s not all of ?em but there?s more to come!
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