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Extract from "The Way It Is" - Warner/Davis
Computer
The black box that does your work for you. That's all you need to know
Response Time
Usually measured in nanoseconds; sometimes measured in calendar months.
The general rule is: Shut up your complaining about response time
Hardware
See "Computer" Again, not your concern
Software
If we want you to know, we'll tell you about it; otherwise, leave us
alone
Network
Don't worry about it, we'll take care of it. Use it to send mail among
your halfwit selves, and don't think we don't read it all. What do you
think we do all day? By the way, Butterman... shame about your mother's
pancreas
Data The general rule is: Don't use any data files and if you find any,
delete them before I find out about them. In fact, just stay off the
computer (See "Response Time")
System Crash
Don't ever call the system manager to tell him you think the computer is
down. Don't call him to ask when it will be up again. The more you
bother him, the longer it takes
Downtime
Like I said, don't ask
Uptime Be thankful for it, use it wisely, and get out of my face
Overtime
Don't be ridiculous
Vacation
A time during which I don't have to put up with your sniveling. Don't
try calling, there's no point
Computer Room
Keep out, you're not invited. Don't knock on the door - don't even
think about it. I broke the phone the last time one of you jerks
called me, and I'm not about to replace it. And keep your greasy
fingers off the windows.
My Office
The name says it all... it's mine; stay out
Your Problems
Not my concern
Deadlines
The general rule is: Deadlines are not acknowledged by me; they're not
my responsibility. Go tell somebody who cares.
Maintenance
A. A valid reason for shutting down the system at any time
B. Much more important than anything any of you bozos do
C. Anything I choose to call maintenance
Software Upgrades
Far too complex for you to comprehend. If I tell you I'm Upgrading the
System, just be quietly thankful. It's for your own good, even if it
does mean extensive downtime during peak hours
Electronic Mail
I delete it before reading it, so don't bother sending any to me
Defaults
We like them just the way they are; we chose them for a reason. Don't
mess with them, consider them mandatory
Error Messages
I'm not interested. I'm going to kill your process anyway, so keep them
to yourself
Killing your Process
A. Don't ever ask why
B. Beyond your control
C. No warnings given
D. The highlight of my day
E. If you call it's going to happen. No exceptions
Passwords
I reserve the right to change them without notice at any time. I choose
them, and the more you bother me, the more degrading yours will be. (Eg
BUTTERMAN: SNOTFACE)
Users A. They slow down the computer
B. They waste my time
C. A general nuisance
D. Worse than that, actually
Software Modifications
You don't know what you want - we'll tell you what you want. It stays
like it is. Period
Privileges
I've got them, you don't need them. Enough said
Priority
Mine is higher than yours, accept it. That's the reason my games run
faster than your lousy accounting package. (See "Response Time")
Terminals
Before calling me with a terminal problem, consider this:
A. Are you prepared to do without one for weeks?
B. Do you really want your process killed?
C. Did you just trip over the cord again?
D. Of course you did
Disk Space
I set the quotas, you live with them. If you need more space, check
"Data Files"
Operator
I hired him and I trained him. He does what I tell him to. Usually
armed; always dangerous
Backups
A. A good idea
B. If I gave a sh*t
C. Which of course I don't
Lunch
The only time that calling my office won't result in the killing of your
process
Data Security
That's your problem. I'm certainly not going to lose any sleep over it.
My files are locked up tight. I feel secure
Jiffy The length of time it takes me to resolve your problem by killing your
process
Eternity
Length of time it takes to give a sh*t about any problem that can't be
resolved by killing your process
Impossible
A. It can't be done (as far as you know)
B. I can't be bothered
C. You're starting to annoy me
Inevitable
A. Couldn't have been avoided
B. Not my fault (as far as you know)
C. The result of annoying me
Menus
If it's not on the menu, don't ask for it. It's not available. If it
is on the menu, it's probably of no use or it doesn't work. We're
working on it. (See "Eternity")
Utilities
I find them quite useful, you'll find them quite inaccessible. Besides,
they're not on your menu, are they? What did I tell you about that?
Nuisance
You
Of course, I reserve the right to add, change, or remove anything from the above
list. I'm not asking you to accept these matters without question, I'm telling
you
Now that we all know where we stand, I'm sure there'll be no future problems. If
you have any questions or comments please feel free to keep them to yourself.
If you feel the need for more information, I highly recommend that you ask some-
one else.
Sincerely,
System Manager
P.S. The new disk quota of 30 blocks per user became effective yesterday.
Anyone caught exceeding the quota will lose their accounts. (This means
you Butterman!)
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This signature was created using RoboSig, the errorfree sigmaker.
Simon Travaglia, spt@grace.waikato.ac.nz, Uni of Waikato, P B, Hamilton, NZ
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author
and have no bearing his work or employers (but his teddy agrees with him)
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The Law of Fashion:
The same dress is:
indecent 10 years before its time
daring 1 year before its time
chic in its time
dowdy 3 years after its time
hideous 20 years after its time
amusing 30 years after its time
romantic 100 years after its time
beautiful 150 years after its time
-- James Laver