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SPY DUST MOPPED UP A Special Report In the '70s, there was a special communications shed which purportedly switched high-level government voice and data messages located behind a famous French restaurant, The Rive Gauche, at Wisconsin Ave. and 'M' Street, in Washington, D.C. The Soviets -- this was long before they built their new Embassy building further up Wisconsin Ave. -- spent huge amounts to perforate the security of that installation. Maybe they did. One thing is certain: they sure spent a lot of money at Rive Gauche. Now we hear that those devilish Soviets have been spraying our personnel in Moscow with 'spy dust' so as to better track the movements of certain U.S. nationals who, according to the Soviets, are up to no good. This has been going on, we hear, since the mid-'70s, which is no surprise at all. What our State Dept. has left unsaid is its knowledge of the development and, indeed, deployment, of the 'spy dust.' It shouldn't surprise anyone that our covert agents and not-so-covert CIA types also dined frequently at Rive Gauche. The Maitre D' there made a fortune in bribes from each side for information on when whose reservations were for, and, what. (Well, the Maitre D' was playing the only kind of hardball restaurant people know -- customers are patrons and patrons pay for EVERYTHING!) Late one evening in 1974, after a lengthy dinner at Rive Gauche, one of our CIA folks and his party headed upstairs to the night club above the restaurant, 'Boccaccio,' to mingle, dance and drink. Naturally, the Soviets in the restaurant excused themselves soon thereafter and headed upstairs to check things out. At Boccaccio, clouds of glitter occasionally rained down from an orifice in the ceiling. The glitter sparkled in the spotlights and strobe lights of the club, which, in turn, made everyone sparkly. (It was fun, then.) Soviet agents would use snooperscopes to follow our people after they left Boccaccio. The UV spotlights would cause the glitter to sparkle and, lo, our CIA types who had been partying at the club would stand out like beacons in the night. This circumstance led directly to the development of spy dust. But wait! Back to that fateful night! After the CIA folks left the club, they headed their separate ways. One of them, a recalled operative known only as Skink, noticed a tail and decided to lead a merry chase. As Skink was drifting in and out of various Georgetown nightspots, he began to wonder how the tail so easily picked him up in a crowded bar, or as he entered another place after cutting through alleys and passageways. It was that evening the glitter was found out. The supplier of the glitter to Boccaccio had discovered a cheaper source for the product. This new source turned out to be a Soviet-run operation. Skink almost immediately realized how recognizable he was in his dark herringbone suit speckled with dayglo glitter. Reports -- everything CIA people do is reported, no matter whose time it's on -- started to accumulate about how easily our personnel were being tailed. And, of course, it was found that the glitter was UV sensitive. Boccaccio closed soon afterward, due to a precipitous drop in business. But the Soviets were not to be deterred. They never are. They realized that they had had a good thing going with the glitter, but they also realized that.....'all that glitters is not gold.' So, under cover of darkness, Soviet KGB agents sneaked into the kitchens of Rive Gauche and began experimenting with spices, reduction glazes and cuisine minceur. They did this for weeks -- no wonder the owner-chef went through the roof when he saw his gas bills! After almost two months, Soviet agents came up with a recipe for what is now called spy dust. This is it: SPY DUST EN CROQUETTES 1 Tsp. cumin pdr. 1 Tsp. pomegranate rind, finely ground 3 Tsp. stone-ground whole wheat flour 3 Tsp. roux 1 oz. petrified Beluga caviar NOTE: Do NOT attempt this yourself! Combine all ingredients over medium heat and stir until smooth. Increase heat until crystallization begins. Add 1 oz. Vodka. Remove from heat and let stand until fire burns itself out. Scrape pan thoroughly and mash mixture with mortar and pestle. Add 1 lb. inert ingredient, such as sugar, salt or potassium chloride. VOILA! Spy dust en croquettes! The Soviets never bothered to apologize to anyone. Not to Rive Gauche's owner-chef, not to the CIA, nor even to Escoffier. But, like all great recipes, spy dust had a price for which it could be bought.