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A GUIDE TO PROPER ETIQUETTE IN THE MEN'S RESTROOM
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Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built
himself structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal.
These have been known as "restrooms," "bathrooms," "outhouses,"
"commodes," "men's rooms," and several other names. As with any
exclusive organization, wholly half the human race aren't allowed
through the door, and a number of exceedingly complicated customs
have arisen to maintain a sense of order and dignity.
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GENERAL RULES:
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[1] Don't talk to somebody you don't know. You may chat quietly
with an acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to
yourself.
[2] A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely
don't spend a significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc.
Zit-popping is only permissible after checking to see nobody
else is around.
[3] No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms,
only.
[4] If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure
to keep looking around. Read grafitti.
GRAFITTI RULES:
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[1] All grafitti is anonymous. If there's any chance somebody can
trace your grafitti back to you, don't do it.
[2] Writing grafitti in the open section of the bathroom is only
acceptable if nobody can see you. Writing in the stalls is
similarly acceptable.
[3] If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult
different ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the bathroom is used
by a small few, restrain comments to amusing anecdotes or
chit-chat about secretaries. If visiting dignitaries from other
companies or the government may tend to use the bathroom,
grafitti is forbidden.
[4] Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of
undress. Modern standards often include portions of male
anatomy, discretely placed. Homosexual grafitti is generally
frowned upon but is gaining popularity.
[5] Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls.
[6] Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by
the management of the bathroom.
URINAL RULES:
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[1] Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the
outside. When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other
side, then middle. Avoid standing directly next to somebody at
all costs.
For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations:
X...... ["X" = Occupied / "." = Not Occupied]
X.....X
X..X..X
X.X.X.X _
XXX.X.X ] / These are only acceptable when significant
XXX.XXX ] <-< "privacy" dividers are available. If the
XXXXXXX ] \_ urinals aren't divided, use a toilet.
[2] Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or
don't know what you are doing. Looking at other people is
threatening.
[3] Flushing is optional. Over time, the water will become a rich
orange. At this point, flushing is mandatory.
[4] Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of
the urinal. Don't step back until you've closed your pants
again.
TOILET RULES:
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[1] Reduce noise at all costs. Grunting is not acceptable.
[2] Always flush.
[3] When you find an unflushed toilet, leave it alone and use
another.
SPECIAL CASES:
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[1] Some university dormitories have co-ed bathrooms. New rules apply
for dealing with the females.
[A] Never EVER comment on how they look in the morning.
[B] Don't ask what the little wastebasket is for.
[C] If urinals are present, only use them when
absolutely no females are around. If you are
noticed by a female, try your best to ignore her
presense until you're dressed again.
[2] Port-O-Let's and similar constructions are evil. Use them only
if absolutely no other option is available.
[3] In the woods, far from civilization, restrooms typically aren't
available. Get behind sufficient growth that you are completely
invisible to the remainder of your party, before you begin.
Check carefully that you aren't near any sort of animal or
insect den. Ants are especially bad. If you forgot toilet
paper, bring a leaf identifying guide. Poison oak makes a poor
substitute.
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