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From: pangolin@leland.stanford.edu Subject: Opens on Impact THE PARACHUTE PARADIGM: You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die in the jump anyway. Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived jumps just like this before. Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute. Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in melti-engine aircraft under corde red conditions. Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline. Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment. Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too. Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings. Advertiser: you strip-tease while singing that what they need is a neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99. Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss. Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked. Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases. Philosophy: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists. English: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions. Comparative Literature: you read the parachute instructions in all four languages. Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could. Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute. Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of. Drama: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute. Art: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it. Republican: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard and not expect handouts. Democrat: you ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can cut the parachute into two equal pieces. Libertarian: after reminding them of their constitutional right to have a parachute, you take it and jump out. Ross Perot: you tell them not to worry, since it wonUt take you long to learn how to fix a plane. Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health. Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown no link whatsoever between airplane crashes and death. National Rifle Association: you shoot them and take the parachute. Police Bigot: you beat them unconscious with the parachute. Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable. Objectivist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute, as the free market will take care of the other person. Branch Davidian (David Koresh): you get inside the parachute and refuse to come out. Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash. Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine. -- Darrin McGraw -- pangolin@cardinal.stanford.edu