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Date: Thu 1 Dec 83 04:13:25-CST
To: SF-LOVERS at MIT-MC
From: LRC.HJJH@UTEXAS-20.ARPA
Subject: NASFIC in '85


	** EOOH ***

Date: Thu 1 Dec 83 04:13:25-CST
From: LRC.HJJH at UTEXAS-20.ARPA
To:   SF-LOVERS at MIT-MC
Re:   NASFIC in '85

^^^^^^^^^^^^ A TALL <we grow 'em that way in Texas> TALE ^^^^^^^^^^^^

According to what I heard, at the end of World Cons, after the
winning bids for future con sites have been announced, there is a
final meeting featuring the successful sites' committees.  When that
time came at the recent Constellation, the Texas contingent (NASFIC
in '85) was already on their way for parts West.  But the
conventioneers who showed up for the meeting found, on each chair in
the room, a copy of the following--

THE HOAX REVEALED!

Now that it's too late, fandom might as well know the full extent of
the hoax perpetrated on it by the so-called "Austin in '85"
committee.

1.  THERE IS NO COMMITTEE!

None of the "Austin in '85" bid committee actually hail from Austin.
Only two are from Texas at all!  The "Travelling Texas Road Show"
was based in Greenfield, PA, where the hoax was originally
conceived.  Most of the bid members were natives of Greenfield or
nearby Scranton.  The two Texas members served only to get authentic
Texas postmarks on correspondence.  Several of the people listed on
bid sheets (i.e., Steve Jackson, Jim Gould, and Dr. Chad Oliver)
don't even exist.

2.  THERE IS NO HOTEL!

The luxurious "Austin Hyatt Regency" shown in the bidding
information really did exist - in Saigon.  All floor plans and
interior photos came from the souvenirs of a committee member who
was heavily involved in the unusual-substances trade during the war.
The hotel building is now a barracks in Ho Chi Minh City.

3.  THERE IS NO CITY!

As all Texas historians know, Austin was, indeed, the capitol of
Texas - until 1866.  During Reconstruction, the state government was
moved to Fort Worth.  With no native industry or natural
attractions, the settlement on the banks of the Colorado "river"
soon dwindled.  The town of Austin is now a historical site, with a
population of less than 300 and no industry except tourism.  Even
the "Austin" postmarks are applied at the Cedar Park post office, 20
miles to the north.

All the "Austin" skyline photographs were taken from miniatures in
Phoenix, Arizona.  The various Chamber of Commerce publications were
entirely counterfeit, except for a few glossy pamphlets originally
produced in Austinton, Nevada, and cunningly changed (or pasted up
to obscure the name).  The Austin newspapers displayed in the
scrapbook at the chili parties were copies of the Fort Worth
STAR-TELEGRAM with a fake logo attached.  And it's easy to draw new
cities into Texas maps, consisting as they do of hundreds of
thousands of square miles of empty space crossed by dirt roads.

4.  THERE IS NO TEXAS FANDOM!

Obviously, this hoax would have had no chance of succeeding if
anyone in fandom had been in the least familiar with Texas.
However, since (by actual count) only four "real Texans" have ever
attended a science fiction convention - and since one of these is
dead, one is in Detroit, and the other two were in on the joke - it
was easy to pull off.  It was pathetically simple to convince
trusting SMOFs that Texas is really just like any place else, and
that there was a thriving colony of fans in that misbegotten desert.
Actually, Texas is entirely unfit for human habitation.  There are
no native science fiction conventions: the program material for
"AggieCon," "ArmadilloCon," and the other "Texas conventions" was
the product of a few days' work for two mimeos and a Xerox copier in
Wilkes-Barre.

(Ironically, the "chili" served by the travelling Austin road show
was the only authentic thing about the entire bid.  The original
recipe for chili used viciously hot peppers and other native weeds
to disguise the tainted flavor of the carrion which was the only
protein available to Texas squatters.  Thanks to the bounty of our
nation's highways, the chili served by the Texas bidders was always
genuine in every respect.)

5.  THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AN ARMADILLO!

The ludicrous appearance of Austin's totem animal should have given
the whole thing away.  Obviously, there is no such creature!  While
Texas rats do indeed grow to over two feet long, the scaly hide and
friendly appearance of the armadillo were both figures of the
bidders' fevered imagination.  The "live shots" of armadillos, as
shown by the bid committee, were actually DR WHO out takes, showing
an early (and rejected) version of the Daleks.

6.  THERE IS NO RECOURSE!

The World Science Fiction Society is now legally obligated to hold
the 1985 NASFIC in a desert whistle stop.  There's nothing that
anybody can do about it, and nobody in their right mind will go.
However, we don't expect this to deter many fans...  so herewith, a
few bits of advice.

FIRST - Don't expect a friendly reception.  Texas is populated
entirely by spiders, snakes, and starving, hard-bitten farmers,
leavened by an occasional wealthy and decadent oil family.  The
Houston bayou country, of course, is infested with Cajuns,
mosquitoes, and alligators.  Texas has only two colleges, no
institutes of higher education, and no cultural life.  In fact there
are strict laws against nearly everything a fan would be likely to
do, either for entertainment or for a living.  Law enforcement in
Texas is strict, and the Travis County Sheriff's Department is
extraordinarily hostile to students, Yankees, and strangers in
general.

SECOND - Don't expect reasonable accommodations.  While the natives
of Austin are utterly unprepared for an influx of the type a Nasfic
will generate, they all make their living from fleecing tourists,
and will do their best to rise to the occasion.  Some campgrounds
will probably be available by then - but DO NOT camp close to the
Colorado River.  Although it looks like a muddy creek most of the
year, it regularly floods, often without warning.  The convenience
of a nearby water supply must be balanced against the depth of your
desire not to be washed halfway to the Gulf of Mexico.

THIRD - Under no circumstances should you bring ANY cash or credit
cards.  You will only lose them, probably the first night on the bus
in from Houston.  Carry travellers' checks or a checkbook.
Travellers' checks are best, as the local courts will not accept
personal checks without ID, and that is likely to be stolen as well.
It is also wise to have a friend back in civilization who will wire
bail money as needed.

FOURTH - Make your travel plans early.  Strange as it may seem, it
is better to drive in your own vehicle than it is to trust yourself
to the vagaries of Texas public transportation.  Gasoline is
plentiful, with the wait at the out-of-state-plates-pump rarely
exceeding 30 minutes.

FIFTH - A few simple health and safety precautions will greatly
improve your chances of surviving the Nasfic.  If at all possible,
bring your own food and water.  Spend the day indoors, if
accommodations can be found, or at the very least in the shade, in
order to avoid sun stroke.  (Any convention activities which
actually occur will be held at night, when the temperature reaches a
bearable 85 degrees.)  Before your trip, make sure you get
vaccinations for Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever (carried by ticks),
malaria (if you plan to enter through Houston), and brucellosis (a
cattle disease communicable to humans).  Pack a snake bite kit and a
good supply of antihistamines, especially if you are allergy prone.
Powdered sulfur, dusted liberally in clothing and your sleeping bag,
will help to discourage fire ants and the common hairy tarantula.
However, nothing repels scorpions, so be sure to shake out your
shoes in the morning.  And avoid any contact with the native
vegetation, which includes poison ivy, poison oak, poison sumac,
strangler fig, and carnivorous St. Augustine's grass.

GOOD LUCK!

(I wonder if the city slickers who wrote that were aware of the
extra kick in that remark about brucellosis... It's bovine VD!)

Anyhow, tho they are not personally known to me, said city slickers
sound as if they ought to put on a pretty fair NASFIC, if having a
wild sense of humor is any criterion.  So, start thinking about it
NOW, and as they say down here, "Y'all come!"