💾 Archived View for spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › humor › mash.hum captured on 2023-11-14 at 10:13:33.
⬅️ Previous capture (2023-06-14)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
FADE IN:
EXTERIOR MASH COMPOUND -- DAY
Unit is being inundated with wounded, who are lying about on the
ground. At least two trucks are in the process of disgorging more
wounded soldiers. Helicopters overhead bringing still more.
Frenzied activity around wounded men. Cries of pain and groans
mix with barked orders ("Morphine! Stat!") and questions ("More
plasma here, Doctor?")
INTO FRAME
Jeep with driver and passenger. The passenger, a nurse, takes one
look at the situation, jumps out of the still-moving jeep and
starts toward the nearest wounded man.
DRIVER
Hey! What about your bags?
JACKIE
Just leave them anywhere.
I'll find them later.
And... thanks.
Driver starts to unload a large suitcase from the back of the
jeep.
DRIVER
Sure thing. And hey,
(looking around;
softly)
Good luck.
ANGLE ON Jackie, who doesn't hear him. She's kneeling beside a
wounded man, checking beneath his bandage. Beside them is a
fresh-faced kid with strawberry blond hair escaping from beneath
his head bandages. The blond kid sits up and winks at Jackie with
a come-on smile. She busies herself with another patient.
Despite her dress uniform, Jackie blends in with her
surroundings. None of the MASH regulars notice her.
LONG SHOT. Jackie moves on to another patient. The blond kid is
still sitting up, following her with his eyes.
INTERIOR OPERATING ROOM
Crowded. Tumultuous. The usual compliment of doctors and nurses
operating, enlisted men carrying wounded in and out. Klinger is
seen rushing to and fro with x-rays or i.v.s.
B.J.
Is there a sale on? This
is the biggest crowd I've
ever seen in here.
Hawekeye doesn't look up from his patient. Jackie, appropriately
outfitted, is assisting him.
HAWKEYE
(bitterly)
What did they do, find
another irresistible
piece of Korea?
POTTER
(with disgust)
Hill 7086.
This is punctuated with the metallic SOUND of a piece of shrapnel
that he angrily throws into a bucket.
HAWKEYE
Maybe we should collect all
the hardware we've mined out
of these boys -- clamp! --
gift wrap it -- sponge! --
and send it to the generals
of both sides.
At each order, Hawkeye reaches for the requested item and finds
it already waiting for him. Jackie is anticipating his needs.
B.J.
Let them build their own hill.
HAWKEYE
Let them build a mountain. Let
them build a mountain range!
In fact -- sponge! -- we've
got enough material right here
for each side to build its own
country. Silk!
As before, each time Hawkeye asks for something, Jackie already
has it waiting. He pauses for a half second, looks questioningly
at her masked face, shrugs and turns back to his patient.
POTTER
Done! (shouts) Next!
He rips off his gloves. A nurse brings him a fresh pair. At the
same time, another patient has been wheeled in beside him. He
begins another operation.
CHARLES
If Edward R. Murrow would
comment less and operate
more, he might get some
work done.
HAWKEYE
All right, Speedy, if you
think you can resection
this bowel any faster, be
my guest.
CHARLES
(chuckling)
I'd hate to take you away
from your natural habitat.
Besides, this gentleman
(indicates his
own patient)
has a vested interest in
retaining the best
surgeon present.
HAWKEYE
(like an announcer)
And this, ladies and
gentlemen, from a man whose
head has already outgrown
his hair!
Charles is too busy with his operation to reply. Hawkeye pulls
off his gloves and nods to another nurse to bring him a fresh
pair. To Jackie:
Close for me. (shouts) Next!
Another patient is immediately rolled up to him, and he gets to
work. Another nurse assists him.
JACKIE
Done.
Hawkeye looks up briefly, apparently surprised that she has
finished so quickly, then turns back to his patient.
The blond kid with the head bandages staggers confusedly into the
operating room.
CHARLES
(without looking
up. annoyed.)
Get that fellow out of
here! He'll contaminate
everything!
Jackie turns to see who Charles is referring to and recognizes
the young soldier from triage. Concerned, she goes over to him.
JACKIE
What's your name, Soldier?
SOLDIER
(mumbles incoherently.
He's spacey, confused.)
Jackie gently pushes him into a chair. She pulls a penlight out
of her pocket and examines his eyes. With growing alarm, she
notices blood draining out of his left ear.
JACKIE
(loudly; alarmed)
Doctor! I think we have a
left cerebral hemorrhage
here!
B.J. immediately looks up at Jackie, then turns to Margaret who
is assisting him.
B.J.
Can you finish this?
Margaret nods. B.J. rushes to Jackie's side.
JACKIE
His left pupil's dilated
and he's bleeding from
his left ear...
B.J.
(shouts)
Get me a table -- stat!
I need to drill!
INTERIOR SCRUB ROOM -- NIGHT
Hawkeye and B.J. are draped across the bench. Potter staggers in,
takes a bleary-eyed look at them and slumps beside them. Charles
stumbles in and falls across one of the sinks. Throughout the
following, Hawkeye looks as if he's trying to remember something.
CHARLES
Cruel and unusual punishment.
Twenty-eight hours of
unremitting surgery at
breakneck speed is cruel
and unusual...
B.J.
(interrupting)
Be glad it isn't your neck
that's broken.
CHARLES
That isn't an operating room
in there -- it's an assembly
line.
B.J.
(wryly)
Fisher Bodies.
POTTER
I know what yo're saying.
Sure, twenty-eight hours
of stringing wet spaghetti
is tough, but I can't
think of crueler or more
unusual punishment than what
those boys have been through.
B.J.
The waste. The incredible
waste. And we would've lost
one more if it wasn't for
that quick thinking nurse
who caught the cerebral
hemorrhage... Who was she,
anyway?
HAWKEYE
(sits up abruptly)
That's it! Tell me if I'm
crazy...
CHARLES
(drily)
I assure you, you are.
HAWKEYE
No, seriously. Did anyone
else notice a well-oiled
machine in there, in the
gorgeous shape of a nurse?
POTTER
Now that you mention it, it
did seem as if Radar'd come
back in female form.
CHARLES
Quite an improvement, I
must say.
HAWKEYE
Yes, I suppose you must.
POTTER
(musing)
Seemed like the woman could
see right into my upper story.
Hawkeye springs up, seemingly recharged.
HAWKEYE
I've got to know.
(stumbles toward door)
Who was that masked woman?
INTERIOR POST OP
Margaret, obviously still tired from the marathon surgery, is on
duty. Klinger bursts in.
KLINGER
(exuberantly)
Neither rain nor snow nor
sleet nor dark of night
shall stay this courier
from his appointed
rounds!
He hands her a letter with a flourish.
MARGARET
(annoyed)
That's enough, Klinger.
Thank you and be gone.
Klinger bows deeply and walks to the other end of the room, past
the rows of recovering wounded. One calls to him.
BIG AL
Hey you!
Klinger turns to see who called.
BIG AL
Yeah, you. C'mere!
(gestures to
Klinger)
KLINGER
Anything I can do for you,
Soldier?
BIG AL
Ain't you the guy with
the dresses?
KLINGER
(brightens)
You've heard of me?
BIG AL
I been here before, but
the docs patched me up
and I got back to the
action.
KLINGER
(smiling, friendly)
So, how're you doing?
(comes closer to
Big Al)
Anything I can get for you?
We have special rates for
return customers.
By now Klinger is about to sit on the side of Big Al's bed, ready
for a friendly chat.
BIG AL
Stay away from me, Queer!
KLINGER
(shocked)
What?
BIG AL
You heard me! I remember
you. You're the queer with
more dresses than a movie
star.
KLINGER
You've got it all wrong!
I was bucking for a Section
Eight but it didn't work out
and I got tired of trying.
(half to himself)
I don't know why it worked
for Uncle Ahmed...
BIG AL
(hysterical)
There's a whole family of
them! Get away! Get away
from me!
Margaret comes running. She pushes past Klinger.
MARGARET
(impatiently)
Get out of the way!
(to Big Al;
soothingly)
Now, now. You don't want to
open your stitches, do you?
BIG AL
(still hysterical)
Get him away from me!
MARGARET
Klinger, you idiot! Can't
you see you're upsetting
him?
Big Al shakes his fist threateningly at Klinger.
BIG AL
You get away and stay away!
Big Al is warnin' ya for the
first and last time! Pervert!
(he spits)
Klinger exits, puzzled and hurt.
INTERIOR MESS TENT
Hawkeye joins the line of people waiting to be served. Among
those near him is Jackie. He stares at the brown stuff that is
slopped onto his tray.
HAWKEYE
(bitterly)
I've seen more appetizing
piles under water buffalo.
JACKIE
(with good-humored,
exaggerated surprise)
And I thought this was
the cream of the crap.
Hawkeye brightens. He studies her with the appreciation of a
connoisseur.
HAWKEYE
Ah, you must be our mystery
nurse.
JACKIE
Mystery nurse?
HAWKEYE
Faster than a speeding
hemorrhage, more powerful
than a retractor, able to
leap tall gurneys in a
single bound...
Jackie laughs.
HAWKEYE
Benjamin Franklin Pierce at
your service. You can call
me Hawkeye.
JACKIE
Jackie Hyde.
Both are standing, holding full trays. They awkwardly try to
shake hands and laugh. Jackie, followed by Hawkeye, goes over to
get some coffee.
HAWKEYE
(with mock horror)
You aren't going to =DRINK=
that, are you?
JACKIE
What else would I do with it?
HAWKEYE
(thoughtfully)
I hear it works pretty well
as anti-freeze, paint thinner
or battery acid.
JACKIE
Judging from the unappetizing
mass on my tray, the coffee
should go with it perfectly.
As they sit together at the nearest available table, Hawkeye's
anticipatory lecherous grin makes it clear that he regards Jackie
as sexual prey. She doesn't see his expression.
HAWKEYE
So, when did you blow in
and, more importantly, for
how long?
JACKIE
To answer in order of
importance, I've been
assigned here (pause)
and it already feels like
forever. Are you always
this busy?
HAWKEYE
(looking grim)
You caught us during our
two-for-one special -- send
us one regiment and we'll
patch up another for free.
(changes his tone)
But that's enough shop. Let's
talk about you. Where are you
from?
JACKIE
You've never heard of it.
Elmsford, New York. And you?
HAWKEYE
You've never heard of it,
either, but it's the most
wonderful town in the world.
Crab Apple Cove, Maine.
JACKIE
You sound like you miss it.
HAWKEYE
More than I ever thought
possibl. Don't you miss
Elmsford?
JACKIE
I spent too much energy
trying to get away. Maybe
I haven't been gone long
enough to miss it.
Charles sets his tray beside jackie's and sits down. She is now
flanked by the two men.
CHARLES
Well, well. You must be the
new nurse. I must say, I was
most impressed with your work
in o.r.
JACKIE
Thank you... Doctor?
CHARLES
Charles Emerson Winchester the Third.
HAWKEYE
(annoyed)
Chuckles to his friends. Don't
you have something better to do,
Charles? Somewhere =ELSE=?
CHARLES
Now, Hawkeye, what could be
better than making the
acquaintance of a nurse who is
as skilled as she is fair?
JACKIE
(smiling)
You are too kind.
HAWKEYE
(sarcastically)
Yes, Charles, you're just
too, too.
B.J. joins them, sliding his tray onto the table and sitting
opposite the others. Hawkeye looks disgusted.
B.J.
Hi! You must be the new
kid on the block. I'm
B.J. Hunnicutt.
JACKIE
Jackie Hyde
They shake hands.
JACKIE
What's the B.J. stand for?
B.J.
(broad, open grin)
Anything you like.
CHARLES
(drily)
B.J.'s from California.
You'll have to excuse him.
JACKIE
For what? I think he's charming.
HAWKEYE
(meaningfully)
He's charmingly =MARRIED=.
B.J.
(grinning
contentedly)
Happily.
JACKIE
(shrugs)
That's good.
HAWKEYE
(enthusiastically)
Good! That's =GREAT=!
(catches himself)
I mean, it's wonderful when
a man and a woman find one
another and something meshes
and...
Jackie stands up abruptly.
JACKIE
(coldly)
I'm sure it is.
Jackie exits. Hawkeye, B.J. and Charles exchange puzzled looks
as Hawkeye hastily rises to follow her.
EXTERIOR MESS TENT
Zale is in the background working on a jeep. Throughout the
following, he listens carefully. Hawkeye rushes to walk beside
Jackie, who has just come out of the Mess Tent.
HAWKEYE
Hey, I didn't mean to come
on so strong. I mean, it isn't
every day that an attractive
woman comes to this corner of
hell. I guess I got carried away.
I'm sorry. Can't we be friends?
Jackie stops and smiles.
HAWKEYE
Friends?
JACKIE
Friends.
Hawkeye and Jackie walk together. Zale follows surreptitiously.
HAWKEYE
To continue our rudely
interrupted conversation,
are you married, engaged
or otherwise encumbered?
Jackie stops, frowns and starts to move away.
JACKIE
Friends, huh?
HAWKEYE
(affirmatively)
Yes, friends.
(follows her)
Friends hav to know about
one another. For instance,
I am not spoken for in any
way. How about you?
JACKIE
(in a tone of
dismissal)
I speak for myself.
She walks away, stiffly.
Hawkeye pensively watches Jackie's receding form. A nurse passes
him.
NURSE
(with
satisfaction)
Looks like you've met
your match.
Colonel Potter and Father Mulcahy step beside Hawkeye. In the
background we see Zale approach the nurse and converse with her.
POTTER
(appreciateively,
indicating the
departed Jackie)
A spirited filly. I don't know
if she can be broken.
HAWKEYE
I don't want to break her. I
just want to (pause. looks at
Mulcahy) know her (pause)
biblically.
MULCAHY
I'll pretend I didn't hear
that. But I think you should
check with the lady.
HAWKEYE
That's what I'm trying to do.
INTERIOR POST OP
Margaret and Jackie are making the rounds together, checking the
patient in the bed next to Big Al's. The patient is the blond
kid, and he's unconscious.
MARGARET
(reading chart)
And this is Bob Tyler. (pause)
I guess I don't have to tell
you about him. (admiringly)
You were really quick in there.
JACKIE
(embarrassed)
I was just doing my job.
MARGARET
If you keep doing it like that,
you may discover you're an
officer before long. Well, as
you know, his reflexes mustbe
checked hourly for any sign of
paralysis.
Jackie nods. They move on to Big Al.
MARGARET
(reading chart)
Dressing must be checked
three times a day.
Big Al raises himself part way to leer at Jackie.
BIG AL
Hey, good lookin'! What
ya got cookin'?
JACKIE
(quietly)
Nothing that would interest
you. Now, lie back and relax.
You don't want to aggravate
your wounds, do you?
Gently, but firmly, she pushes him back against his pillow.
BIG AL
For you, Babe, anything.
(to Margaret) Hey, Blondie.
MARGARET
(restraining herself)
What.
BIG AL
Who's in charge of this joint?
MARGARET
Colonel Potter. Why?
BIG AL
I wanna talk to him.
MARGARET
Is it anything we can do? He's
very busy.
BIG AL
(importantly)
Naw. This is =MAN'S= business.
But (meaningfully) there's
plenty =OTHER= things you can
do for me...
Big Al's hand shoots toward Jackie, who is still standing beside
his bed, but she's too quick for him. She grasps his hand and
forces it to his side.
BIG AL
(leering)
Wait 'till I'm stronger, Babe.
Margaret and Jackie walk toward the door.
MARGARET
(indicating Big Al)
Occupational hazard. It comes
with the territory.
JACKIE
(sighing)
I know. I only wish it were
restricted to the patients.
MARGARET
(sympathetically)
Hawkeye.
Jackie nods. They exit.
INTERIOR "THE SWAMP"
Hawkeye is carefully pouring liquid from the still into a wine
bottle. B.J. is watching him dubiously
B.J.
I thought you wanted to
impress her, not poison her.
HAWKEYE
(grinning)
She's already passed the acid
test -- she walked out of the
Mess Tent on her own power.
B.J.
Rather hastily, I recall.
Look, Hawk, maybe you're
just not her type.
HAWKEYE
(insistently)
Ridiculous! She's a woman;
I'm a man. It's fate.
Enter Charles.
CHARLES
(chuckling)
Well, well. I hear Dulcinea
isn't responding to your
amorous advances.
HAWKEYE
I wouldn't want this conquest
to be too easy, Sancho. I'm
warming her up for the legendary
Pierce treatment.
CHARLES
(sarcastically)
Yes. And we'll see who gets
shafted.
HAWKEYE
I don't suppose you'd spare
me your pompous pearls.
CHARLES
(exaggerated surprise)
I? Toss pearls before swine?
(self satisfied laugh)
Although I admit she's a pretty
wench, I prefer to remain aloof
from another's affaire du coeur.
I'll simply sit back
(he does)
and enjoy your little comic opera.
HAWKEYE
Great!
(heads for the door)
And while you exercise your tush,
I'll exercise my fabled prowess!
Carrying the bottle of "wine" and two glasses, he exits
whistling.
EXTERIOR "THE SWAMP"
As Hawkeye is leaving the tent, Margaret almost collides into
him.
MARGARET
Hawkeye! I was just coming
to see you.
HAWKEYE
(dramatically)
Hot Lips! Darling! I had
no idea...
MARGARET
(annoyed)
Stop it, Hawkeye. This is
serious.
Hawkeye puts on a mock-serious expression.
MARGARET
My nurses are not here for
your enjoyment.
She looks meaningfully at his "wine" and two glasses.
HAWKEYE
(exaggerated
surprise)
They aren't?
MARGARET
(frustrated)
Stop it! My nurses are trained
medical professionals. They are
here to do a job. I won't allow
anyone to interfere with that --
not even you. Do you understand?
HAWKEYE
(seriously)
Nobody's interfering with their
job. But what they -- and I --
do on our own time is our own
business.
He turns and walks away.
MARGARET
(shouting,
to his back)
If I see any nurse falling
down on her duties, I will
hold you directly responsible.
Hawkeye turns, grinning widely.
HAWKEYE
And I'll love every minute of it!
He gaily waves his wine bottle and walks away.
INTERIOR POST OP
Klinger crashes in. The nurse on duty tries to stop him.
NURSE
(hissing)
Stop it! Quiet! This is
a hospital!
By this time, Klinger has reached Big Al's bedside. He proudly
displays a prominent, fresh black eye.
KLINGER
Hey, Big Al! You want proof
I'm all man? When's the last
time you saw a sissy with
one of these?
BIG AL
The last time I gave him one.
Get the hell outa here, Fairy.
KLINGER
(surprised)
Oh yeah?
(with righteous
indignation)
I got this fightin' over at
Rosie's Bar. You can ask
anyone! You ever hear of a
fightin' fairy? Huh? I'm a
charter member of the Toledo
Mud Hens! Looka that!
He makes a muscle.
NURSE
(trying to pull
him away)
Klinger! What are you doing?
KLINGER
(ignoring her)
Ya call that a sissy? I'm
tough -- maybe the toughest
guy in this camp. I survived
the streets of Toledo! I'm
king of the pool halls...
BIG AL
(interrupting;
voice low)
I warned ya once already,
Pervert. Get the hell
away from me.
Big Al raises himself part way and grabs Klinger.
BIG AL
(menacingly)
I eat fairies like you
for breakfast.
KLINGER
Oh yeah?
They are nose to nose, fists poised.
NURSE
Doctor! Someone! Help!
The nurse ineffectively pulls at first one then the other.
Colonel Potter rushes in.
POTTER
Klinger! What in the name
of crosspatch are you doing?
Klinger is pulled up short. As he disentangles himself from his
adversary, he says the following.
KLINGER
Uh oh. His master's voice.
POTTER
Get out. I'll deal with
you later.
Klinger eits apprehensively.
POTTER
(to Big Al)
Now, what's put a burr
under your saddle blanket?
BIG AL
(indicating the
departed Klinger)
Why isn't he locked up
somewheres?
POTTER
All right, what did he do?
I know he's a mite hot-
blooded -- Mediterranean,
you know.
BIG AL
(surprised)
Do? Don't you know what he
is? His kind don't belong
with real men.
POTTER
(also surprised)
Klinger? Now what ever put
that notion in your noggin?
BIG AL
Ain't he the guy used to
waltz around here like a
dame? In dresses?
POTTER
Sure. But that was only to
get out of the army.
BIG AL
Well, why didn't they kick
him out and lock him up?
POTTER
Because everyone knw it
was a scam. And anyway,
those days are over.
BIG AL
It's a scam, all right.
That fairy's got you all
fooled.
POTTER
(reassuringly)
Klinger's a good boy. Sure he
has his quirks, but then, don't
we all? And he does a bang-up
job as our company clerk.
(he stands up)
I wouldn't worry about it, Son.
You just concentrate on getting
better.
As Potter exits,Big Al's expression is one of deepening
suspicion. He is not convinced about Klinger, and now he's
wondering about Potter's masculinity.
EXTERIOR POST OP
Klinger, confused and angry, sees Potter coming out of Post Op.
KLINGER
(under his breath)
Oh boy. Here it comes.
POTTER
What happened in there?
KLINGER
That guy's crazy!
POTTER
Seems the feeling's mutual.
The two walk together.
KLINGER
Every time he sees me, he
calls me something worse.
He thinks I'm a sissy.
POTTER
And you got that shiner
proving otherwise?
Klinger gingerly feels his eye.
KLINGER
Huh? Oh yeah. (thinks)
Guess so.
POTTER
Was it worth it?
Klinger's face slowly breaks into a broad grin as he remembers
the terrific fight he had.
KLINGER
(enthusiastically)
You shoulda seen it! It was
like the old days at Toledo
Fats'. I sent Zale flyin'
through the window...
Potter, not understanding the attraction of this form of
recreation, shakes his head and puts a fatherly hand on Klinger's
shoulder.
POTTER
Well, just make sure you
don't fight any more
patients. No matter how
pesky they get, we're here
to cure 'em, not kill 'em.
Klinger nods.
EXTERIOR MESS TENT
Jackie is about to enter the Mess Tent when Hawkeye, carrying the
"wine" and two glasses, stops her. Charles is seen approaching in
the background, but he stops to listen to the following.
HAWKEYE
(indicating
the Mess)
How would you like to be
saved from a fate worse
than death?
Jackie looks at his eager face and at what he's carrying.
JACKIE
Is that your standard
courtship kit?
Hawkeye nods, smiling at what he sees as his imminent triumph.
Jackie turns to the Mess Tent and enters.
JACKIE
(dramatically)
Death be not proud!
Charles, his interest in Jackie obviously kindled, passes the
disappointed Hawkeye and follows her through the door.
INTERIOR MESS TENT
Jackie is being served. Charles joins her.
CHARLES
I coldn't help overhearing
your conversation outside.
Do you like poetry? John
Donne?
JACKIE
Oh yes. I enjoy his intellectual
games. It's sort of like playing
chess, isn't it?
CHARLES
(surprised)
Do you play chess?
JACKIE
Is that so surprising?
They sit together. Hawkeye in the background sits beside B.J.
Also in the background Margaret, at another table, is seen with
her back to Jackie and Charles.
CHARLES
Un, no, not at all. Well, yes,
actually. It is unusual -- at
least in my experience -- to
find a woman who plays the game.
JACKIE
(ruefully)
In mine, too.
CHARLES
(speculatively)
A penchant for poetry and
chess, too. Tell me, who
are some of your favorite
poets?
JACKIE
Lately I've been rereading
Blake. He gives me a lift.
CHARLES
(approving)
Ah, William Blake.
(quotes)
Abstinence sows sand all over
The ruddy limbs and flaming hair,
But Desire gratified
Plants fruits of life and beauty there.
JACKIE
(retaliates; quoting)
Love is like the wild rose-briar
Friendship like the holly tree --
The holly is dark when the rose-briar blooms
But which will bloom most constantly?
CHARLES
I'm afraid I can't place that one.
JACKIE
Emily Bronte.
During the foregoing, Zale has been approaching Hawkeye and B.J.
ANGLE ON them.
ZALE
You wanna join the pool?
B.J.
What's the bet?
Zale nods toward Jackie and Charles, who are still seen talking
and eating in the background.
ZALE
Who's gonna be the lucky man.
Hawkeye frowns and looks as if he's going to take a swing at
Zale.
ZALE
(fawningly)
You're the clear favorite,
Sir. In fact, so many people
are bettin' on you that I've
got a second pool right
here -- on the day you'll get
her. Wednesday's still open.
HAWKEYE
(angrily)
Get out of here!
ZALE
(moving away quickly)
Yes, sir!
Zale approaches Margaret in the background while Hawkeye gets up.
B.J.
Leaving so soon?
HAWKEYE
I have to check on a patient.
MARGARET
(standing abruptly;
shouts)
Absolutely not! I won't have
everyone in camp betting on
my nurses!
She and Jackie exchange a glance before Margaret exits in a huff.
INTERIOR POTTER'S OFFICE
Margaret rushes in angrily.
MARGARET
My nurses are not sexual
playthings! They are highly
trained medical professionals.
POTTER
(amiably)
So they are. Who says different?
MARGARET
(with growing
indignation)
Apparently, everyone in camp!
No sooner does a new nurse
report for duty than every
male in sight rushes to the
attack! I won't have it! These
women are here to do a job,
and they can't do it if they
are constantly accosted by
drooling, cow-eyed males!
POTTER
Whoa! Now slow down! Don't
you think you're blowing
this out of proportion?
It's only natural that a
winsome filly will raise
a few libidos.
MARGARET
With all due respect, Sir,
this isn't a breeding farm!
POTTER
Don't you think the same
thing would happen in reverse
if a handsome new doctor
showed up?
MARGARET
Within limits. But this thing
is getting way out of hand.
POTTER
I think you're just
overreacting. It's
the natural order of...
(he breaks off)
Zale and one of the enlisted men pass by the open window. They
are speaking loudly.
ZALE
(hooting
incredulously)
Ten-to-one on Major Winchester?
You gotta be kiddin'! Didn't
you see him at Mess? His chances
of gettin' that new nurse are
real good, real good. I can't
give you any better odds than
three-to-one...
They walk out of earshot. Before Potter and Margaret can resume
their conversation, they see Hawkeye walking past, conpicuously
carrying the "wine" and glasses.
POTTER
(understandingly)
I'll get right on it.
MARGARET
Thank you, Colonel.
She exits.
INTERIOR POST OP
Hawkeye is examining a patient.
BIG AL
Hey, Doc. Can you come
here a minut?
Hawkeye gets up and goes over to Big Al.
HAWKEYE
(concerned)
Is anything the matter?
(starts to read
his chart)
BIG AL
Naw. I just gotta ask
you somethin'.
(confidential
whisper)
Colonel Potter. Is he
one of us?
HAWKEYE
(mystified)
One of us? Do you think
he's a Communist?
BIG AL
(shakes his head)
No, no. I wanna know if
he's... you know... one
of =US=. A regular guy.
HAWKEYE
What exactly are you asking?
BIG AL
(exasperated)
Don't it seem strange he
lets that fairy, Klinger,
hang around us normal guys?
HAWKEYE
(light dawns)
Ah, you want to know if
Colonel Potter's like
=US= =NORMAL= guys!
BIG AL
Yeah...
HAWKEYE
(with high-pitched
lisp and limp wrist)
Oh yes. He's =JUST= like us!
He smooths his hair as he minces back to his patient, shaking his
head in disbelief.
HAWKEYE
(to himself)
Colonel Potter!
Big Al's eyes narrow with suspicion as he watches Hawkeye.
Enter Jackie, looking tired. She's followed by Charles, who
continues to follow her as she walks over to Bob Tyler's bed.
CHARLES
(insistently)
Let me not to the marriage
of true minds/ Admit
impediments...
JACKIE
(picking up chart)
Don't you think marriage a
bit premature, Doctor?
(faces him)
Now, if you'll let me get
back to work?
Charles, noticing Hawkeye, exits. Jackie checks the patient's
pupils.
BIG AL
Hey, Babe. Ready for a
real man yet?
JACKIE
(wearily)
Sure. Know any?
BIG AL
That ain't funny, Babe.
What's the matter -- don't
ya like men? Yeah, that's
it.
(triumphantly)
You wouldn't know what to
do with a real man!
Jackie's expression, unseen by Hawkeye, is fearful as she rushes
out the door. Hawkeye strides angrily over to Big Al.
HAWKEYE
Who the hell do you think
you are? You've accused
everything that moves of
the same thing. If you do
it again -- I don't care if
it's a man singing soprano
or a woman singing bass --
I swear I'll make you croak!
He rushes out after Jackie.
xEXTERIOR POST OP -- NIGHT
Hawkeye finds Jackie leaning against a tree.
HAWKEYE
You all right?
JACKIE
Leave me alone.
HAWKEYE
Hey, I want to apologize.
JACKIE
(indignantly)
What do you want, a medal?
Have you ever considered
what I want? Once? Instead
of treating me as a thing,
a prize to be won -- and
probably stuffed and
mounted -- have you ever
considered treating me as
a human being? Surprised?
Well, buddy-boy, here's a
news flash for you. Get
this! I'm human! I have
needs and desires and
feelings and all the rest
of it! And none of it has
anything to do with you.
HAWKEYE
(contritely)
I deserve that. Look, Jackie,
I got a picture back there,
an all-too-clear picture, of
what I've been doing to you.
It wasn't pretty.
JACKIE
(softly)
That's not the worst of it.
HAWKEYE
What do you mean?
JACKIE
(pacing)
Oh, I knew it was only a
matter of time. Sooner or
later, someone would have
had to wonder. It's just
that it happened so soon.
(she stops, looks
at him speculatively)
The pity of it is, we probably
could have been friends.
HAWKEYE
What are you talking about?
JACKIE
Don't you understand? What
Big Al said in there. It's
true.
HAWKEYE
(with growing
awareness)
Oh my God...
JACKIE
(turning away)
You don't have to worry.
I'll go quietly.
HAWKEYE
Go? Where?
JACKIE
(shrugs)
Good question.
HAWKEYE
Why do you have to go
anywhere?
JACKIE
Be realistic. Once the
colonel finds out, he'll
have me out of here so
fast the tents will flap
for a week!
HAWKEYE
Who'll tell him?
JACKIE
(gratefully)
Even if you don't report me,
someone else will. And it
won't take long, either if
even a creep like Big Al
could figure it out.
HAWKEYE
He didn't figure anything out.
He's been accusing everyone --
even Colonel Potter.
JACKIE
(laughing
nervously)
Colonel Potter!
HAWKEYE
(thinking)
We have to get the heat off
you somehow... I know! Why
don't we spend an evening in
the storeroom together?
Everyone knows I don't go
there to play Parcheesi!
JACKIE
I don't know. Let me think
about it.
EXTERIOR MASH COMPOUND -- DAY
A bus is evacuating the patients that are well enough to be
moved.The scene is similar to -- though not as frantic as -- the
opening scene.
Big Al is carried out on a stretcher. He sees Klinger, who is
helping with another patient.
BIG AL
Hey you! Klinger!
Klinger tries to move away, but he can't avoid him due to the
logistics of loading his own patient.
BIG AL
Hey, Klinger! Per...
(he sees Hawkeye's
warning look)
fectly nice day, ain't it?
KLINGER
Huh?
BIG AL
(eyeing Hawkeye)
I just wanna tell ya I
don't think you're such
a bad guy after all.
KLINGER
(hesitating)
Ya mean it?
BIG AL
Sure. (smiles) Just don't
come anywhere near Pittsburg.
Ya got that?
KLINGER
(broad grin)
Sure thing. And, Al?
BIG AL
Yeah?
KLINGER
If I ever catch ya in Toledo,
I'll cream ya!
Big Al's stretcher disappears into the bus as Bob Tyler's
stretcher moves INTO FRAME. Jackie comes over and grasps his
hand. He grips back.
JACKIE
With a grip like that, you
have nothing to worry about.
Bob smiles weakly, then winks at her the way he had when she
first saw him. His stretcher is loaded.
Jackie turns away to pick up her suitcase. Hawkeye, seeing the
suitcase, rushes over to her.
HAWKEYE
(indicating
suitcase)
Did I do this?
JACKIE
Not alone.
HAWKEYE
Where are you going?
JACKIE
Tokyo, for three days of
"R and R." I'm going to
look up a Japanese couple
some friends back home
told me about.
HAWKEYE
Are they...
JACKIE
...lesbians? Yes.
HAWKEYE
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have
asked. What happens next
JACKIE
(shrugging)
I've requested a transfer.
HAWKEYE
They take time. Maybe when
you get back, we can still
become friends.
JACKIE
Maybe.
Jackie gets onto the bus. The doors are closed and it drives
away, leaving Hawkeye standing alone.
INTERIOR ROSIE'S BAR -- NIGHT
Hawkeye, B.J., Colonel Potter, Father Mulcahy and Charles are
drinking at the bar. Zale approaches Potter, looking indignant.
ZALE
What's this I hear about
that new nurse gettin'
transferred out? (catches
himself) Sir?
POTTER
(menacingly)
What business is it of
yours, Soldier?
ZALE
(obsequiously)
You're absolutely right, Sir.
(backing away)
It's none of my business.
None at all. Just idle
talk, is all... Sir...
Zale exits. The others turn to look at Potter questioningly.
POTTER
It's true. She's at Tokyo
General.
B.J.
That was fast.
POTTER
I had them push it through.
HAWKEYE
Push it through? Why?
POTTER
(meaningfully)
She was under a lot of
pressure here.
MULCAHY
Makes me grateful for this
collar.
B.J.
Keep off the cleric.
POTTER
(musing)
Damn shame, too. A talented
nurse like that belongs here,
in the field.
CHARLES
(ruefully)
Not during open season.
Hawkeye isn't listening. He's turned with his back to the bar.
Hawkeye's POINT OF VIEW as camera PANS slowly, showing couples
dancing and friends sitting at the tables talking, laughing and
sharing drinks.
FADE OUT.