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You are about to enter... A new dimension... A dimension of time and
space... Where grown men can act like children and teen-agers rule all... A
dimension of Losers, dudes, geeks, leeches, dorks, jerks, wizards, sysops,
feds, board crashers, text-file writers, clubs, hakcers, phreakers,
programmers, fags, crackers, wierdos, and.... Cherry gummi bears. You are
about to enter...
The Loser Zone
/-------------------------------------\
! (c) 1985 The Circle Spellbook, Inc. !
\-------------------------------------/
The person you are about to meet is named Johnny. You may or may not know
his type, the guy with the tucked in shirt, pants pulled up to his rib cage,
the guy who talks like a mouse and wears only what his mommy sets out for him,
the one who still thinks that "pee pee" is a naughty word. That is a perfect
description of John, and at his high school (yes, ladies and gentlemen, this
Loser is actually a junior!) he is known as a nerd, Loser, jerk-off, teachers
pet, computer loving, party hating, yo-yo playing, weak, all-around a-1
asshole. Today, John has forgotten his precious disks at home, and must call
his mom at work to have her bring them over. Little does he realize that he
has just made his first collect call to... The Loser Zone!
================
Day One: Moonday
================
As he dialed the last number, John suddenly realized that he had called his
home line. With a sigh of relief Johnny realizes that this wasn't such a bad
problem as he will get to listen to the comforting sound of his pre-recorded
carrier tone to ease his nerves.
Rrrrrrrring rrrrrrrring rrrrrrrring
"Hello?"
Johnny freezes. His muscles clench... Where is the carrier? Where has it
gone? Panicking, his body started to shake all over. The shivers rolling over
his body soon found each other and in one group moved downward to his
mid-section where they rapidly liquified and ran outward into his big bird
underwear.
"H-h-hello? this is... Uh... Joe hacker... Wh-who is this?"
"Why, I'm John Plover, of course... Ah! so, you've finally called! guess
what, Johnny, old boy, you just called yourself! doesn't that make you want to
shit in your pants? [yes, boys and girls, it does!] yes, I am you! you are
me! but I am the dude in you, the part of you that for years has lived in that
greasy body just waiting for its chance to get out... Well now I have, and i'm
loving it! I bet you're wondering why i'm here... I played sick today, just
to prove how cool I really am in the eyes of my peers. That's something you
never would have done. And oh, by the way, if you're looking for your disks,
don't bother... I've found them such handy dart targets that I would just hate
to lose them! good-bye, Johnny. I don't expect I'll be seing you for a
while... Your mommy might have a heart attack if she sees two of us..."
Johnny never heard those final words... He had fainted dead on the spot...
His copy of pac-man had been reduced to a bulls-eye.
=================
Day Two: Dudesday
=================
after spending a full night in the boys locker room (wow! what a big place
this is! I wonder what those things are that you turn a know on and water
starts spewing out? let's see.... "Whirlpool showers, inc." What's a shower?)
Johnny decided to go out to his house and spy on his dude-self. With a gasp he
sees himself... Or is it? talking to... A girl! around him are a few boys
patting him on the back and saying "how'd you change so suddenly" and other
complimentary comments... Yech! friends! and look! his head was clean! how
could he do that to his mom? where would she find anything to grease her pans
with? looking at his dude self's clothing he sees an un-tucked new boast shirt
{what's that maple leaf doing there? I only wear those shirts with the little
disk drive on the pocket!] and broken in cordurroys pulled down... (Gasp)
...Below the belly-button! what would he do about this? suddenly a great idea
began to form in his head as the girl (yech!) actually touched his hand...
(He's smiling! ewwww!) revenge!
==================
day three: fedsday
==================
"hello, omnI computers"
"your mommy's a jerk! and so is your daddy! naaaaaaaa!" >click<
(now what was that all about? well, I can guess that it was that Loser
Johnny... Now I can be sure i'll never see him around again!)
"yo! circle of enchanters."
"Your bbs stinks! it sucks the big red lollipop! jerk!" >click<
(hehe... That must have been that guy joe hacker... Now I have an excuse to
start ragging on him... Even better, i'll delete him! and I even have it on
paper! now I can write "awesome user ii: the day after!")
"goody! now i'll call that jerk me and tell him what I did!"
rrrrrrrring rrrrrrrring rrrrrrrring
"hello?"
"hello! this is joe hacker! I saw you the other day, how you've made me a
dude in the eyes of others, how you even took a... Whatever it's called! now
i've gotten my revenge! I just called up all the bbs's and all the computer
stores around! you'll never be able to use the computer again! naaaa!"
"well, Johnny, let me tell you something... You're absolutely right...
Because I can't afford to have people still calling me nerd and geek if my modem
is going all day... I've done something you never would have done... I traded
in your computer... And now I have an awesome looking heat wave skateboard...
And I gave all of your disks that didn't have holes in them to the kids down in
the computer room... From a distance, of course... Your move, a-hole!" >click<
Johnny was stunned. He just stood at the pay phone, looking in dumbfounded
horror at the phone... No computer? fred was gone? no more radar-rat race?
how could this be? suddenly, Johnny had a small spasm in his leg which spread
outwards until his entire body was shaking everywhere, hitting the sides of the
phone booth and kicking out glass. Some men and women stood around to look,
laughing and pointing at this greasy, dirty kid. Finally the spasms ended and
the entire crowd burst out laughing and applauding at the wet spot on Johnny's
pants... He quickly ran to the nearest public boys room and sobbed for his lost
friend, his lost life, and his lost beer run.
==================
Day four: nerdsday
==================
Johnny huddled on a park bench with his only pair of clothes, drinking orange
juice out of a brown bag. He was down to the last of his $50 allowance (he
hadn't had a chance to buy his new disk at the computer store) and now counted
his final chance.
Suddenly Johnny realized that he hadn't checked "his" wherabouts in a long
time and so he used a dime (it was illegal to try to cheat the pay phone!
Johnny would never do that!) and quickly called his number.
"Hello?"
it was his mom... Suddenly he yelled into the phone, "mom, it's you! oh,
thank god! please, mommy, help me! kill the other me with a big gun!
pleeease!"
"excuse me, you'll have to talk louder, there was too much static."
Suddenly Johnny realized that he could never tell anyone of what had
happened... A permanent trick of the Loser Zone. "Mom, yeah, this is me,
Johnny."
"Oh, Johnny! how are things at your appartment? I didn't think you'd call
this early after moving in... Anyway, I want to make sure of your new phone
number... Is it 972-8009?"
Johnny froze again.. He had moved out? out of his comfy room with the care
bear posters on the walls? was he gone from his sesame street bedsheets? was
his entire life going to be devoted to being normal? "m-m-mom, uh... Yeah,
yeah that's it! (quickly Johnny writes the number down) thanks a lot mommy,
good-bye."
"Wait... Oh, you've been acting so different lately dear, good-bye."
Quickly Johnny called up the number and waited for the other him to answer.
"Hello?"
"so, now you've moved out! where are my posters?"
"oh, I put them in the circular file Johnny old boy... But could you please
call back later if you must continually bother me? you see, you can't survive
much longer... Why bother? well, our girlfriend is on the other line so I have
to hang-up... Now isn't that a shame?"
"g-g-g-g-g-girlfriend? you mean a friend who is a girl? eeeww! cooties!"
"haha... Man, I can't believe i've lived in you for sixteen years, Loser.
Bye-bye, Johnny... Mommy can't help you anymore!" >click<
Johnny was shocked. He sat there in the phone booth for ten minutes before
hanging up. What could he do? he'd have to live the rest of his life knowing
that he, although inderectly, actually had a relationship with a girl. What
would the kids in the "ugh" think about that? (for those of yog who do not
know, the ugh is a group of Losers who join together to trade their lice. It
stands for "ugly geek homosexuals" and has about forty members... Every one of
them in volume one of the real piirates guide to geeks, Losers, and leeches...
Get this useful guide from the c.O.E.!)
================
Day five: styday
================
Johnny could be described in only one word... Dirty, smelly, greasy, geeky,
slug sitting on a park bench looking wistfully at the local arcade. He shivered
slightly as he looked at the payphone where he had discovered that he had a
girlfriend... A transformation had taken place in him... Suddenly he hated
being a geek, and for some reason he just couldn't change. Before he could
think twice, Johnny picked up the nearest phone and dialed to make an agreement
with his other self.
"Yo! lemme guess, this is joe, right? well, wait till you hear..."
"No! it's me, Johnny!"
"oh no, I thought I got rid of you. Oh well, I might as well tell you also...
Last night our girlfriend jenny came over to our pad... We got a little
drunk... Guess what, Johnny old boy? we went all the way! that's something
you never woulda done!"
"y-y-you mean you actually... You... You... Kissed her?"
"hahahahaha! my god, you really are just a miserable little a-hole, aren't
you? well, it's time I put you out of your misery. Better hide, cause
tomorrow... The boogey dude is coming! good bye, Johnny... For the last
time!"
Johnny suddenly realized that he would have to hide somewhere, fast, or he
might have to live life of dudeness! suddenly, he saw his place of sanctuary...
Caldors! he limped over and quickly hid in the mens room where his smell
wouldn't be noticed over all the others... And so he went to sleep...
===================
Day six: shitterday
===================
Johnny was awakened violently from the adam computer he was slumped over,
using the modem to call a new bbs under the handle "maximillian kehe." He looked
up and shook in fear... It was John! the dude of dudes, and now the greatest
fear in Johnny's life.
"Guess what, wimp? it's time for me to cash in! time for you to clear out!
you will now be erased from my mind, never able to bother anyone, never able to
leech off of anyone, and never able to be joe hacker ever again... This is it,
Johnny... It's the end of the road."
"What will happen to me? w-w-will I never be able to use a computer again?
(fear struck his heart)"
"oh, much worse than that! you'll become my shadow... And you'll have to
live through a life of dudeness forever!"
"nooo! nooooo! nooooooooooooooo!"
those were the last words of Johnny Farmhouse... And the first words of John
"the jock" Farmhouse... Dude, sports star, and sex maniac.
=========
Epilouge:
=========
meet John Farmhouse... Jock, dude, awesome guy, and friend to cool people
everywhere... He was your normal, everyday kid... Better than that, in fact...
The guy who swore behind teacher's backs, turned all the girls on, and shunned
all nerds of the world... Yet there was one peculiar thing about him, and only
a select few ever noticed it... No matter where he was or what he was doing...
there were bugs flying around his shadow... And his shadow always turned its
back when he had sex... No one knows why, and no one really cares... Except
for Johnny, who is forever condemned to dudeness in... The Loser Zone!
/-------------------------------------|
! (c) 1985 the circle spellbook, inc. !
|-------------------------------------/
Call the circle of enchanters for the newest in humor in the Loser Zone, or
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