💾 Archived View for spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › humor › kloo.txt captured on 2023-11-14 at 10:12:24.
⬅️ Previous capture (2023-06-14)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.college
From: betel@camelot.bradley.edu (Robert Crawford)
Subject: The Kloo Gnomes
Message-ID: <betel.728428720@camelot>
Sender: news@bradley.bradley.edu
Organization: Bradley University
Date: 30 Jan 93 21:18:40 GMT
Lines: 229
This is something that has been spreading around Bradley
University for the last year or so. This is the chief explanation, but
the basic idea is that Kloo Gnomes bring people the clues they need to
get through life. People who are apparently clue-less have "killed
their Kloo Gnomes." (The one documented example involves someone who
dropped a brick on a squirrel when they were a kid. They thought it
was a rat.)
The Not-So-Sacred Book of Kloos
Dedication
This is dedicated to all the world's Kloo Gnomes,
"The Kloo Gnomes Giveth, and
The Kloo Gnomes Taketh Away."
Forward
I first saw my Kloo Gnome one night while I was in
High School. I was calmly driving along after a date, when I
heard a voice from the seat next to me. It definitely wasn't
the radio, since I had Pink Floyd's Momentary Lapse of Reason
in the player, and it was in the middle of an instrumental.
The voice said something that truly surprised me:
"Uh, do ya think ya could slow down a little?"
This was surprising because I had been with my friend
Mark when he took that very same curve at 80 in his Daytona.
"Yeah, well, that was a Daytona. This is a Subaru.
Your gonna kill us both."
Apparently the voice was telepathic. I chanced a look
over into the passenger seat, and saw him. He was a little
guy, standing about 8 inches tall, wearing a ridiculous purple
hat with a golden 'K' emblazoned upon it. Besides that
ridiculous hat, his clothes were relatively normal -- jeans
and a sweatshirt.
"Who and what in the hell are you?" I asked, showing
my typical level of tact.
"Oh, shit," he responded, "you got me. OK, OK, I'm
your Kloo Gnome."
"Clue gnome?"
"No, _KLOO_ Gnome, with a K and a capital G."
"KGlue gnome?"
"Buddy, your using your clues up fast. That's K-L-O-O
G-N-O-M-E."
"And what the fuck is a Kloo Gnome?"
"Yah finally got it! I told the Director you weren't
that dense!"
"Thanks, I think."
"Well, anyway, Kloo Gnomes are responsible for handing
out clues."
"Kloos?"
"Clues."
"Ah, OK."
"Anyway, could ya slow down a little and let me out?
That's all I'm required to tell you, so I'm free to go now."
"Required to tell me?"
"Well, when ya catch a leprechaun, its gotta tell you
where its gold is, right?"
"If you say so."
"Well, all Kloo Gnomes gotta do is tell you what a
Kloo Gnome is. It is, after all, the Ultimate Clue. Now will
ya slow down, please?"
"I'm only doing eighty."
"Yeah, well, my squirrel can't just _start_ out at
eighty, ya know."
"No, I didn't. Squirrel?"
"He's in the back seat. Don't worry, he's house
trained."
"Ok..."
"Good, you're below sixty now. Goodbye!"
With that he disappeared, and I could have sworn I saw
a little figure riding a squirrel flash in my headlights for a
split second.
Needless to say, after that I calmly drove home. I was
determined to find out more about Kloo Gnomes.
Since then I have managed to catch my Kloo Gnome in
the act four times. Each time I have been able to entice more
information out of him. I have even been able to see some of
the Sacred Books of Kloos, the history texts of the Kloo
Gnomes. This, along with the information of others that have
been Klooed in, has gone into the production of this text, The
Not-So-Sacred Book of Kloos.
Kloo Gnomes
Origin
Early in human history we were, to put it mildly,
clueless. A primitive woman brought a burning branch back to
the campsight to provide warmth and light. One of the tribes
men pissed on it, to put it out. A primitive woman shaved her
legs with her husbands spear, resulting in his spear being too
dull to bring down the next weeks meals. It was a sorry state
of affairs.
Whatever force put humanity on this planet (the Sacred
Books of Kloo neglect to mention the nature of this force)
decided Something Had to Be Done. And so it/he/she brought
forth the Kloo Gnomes.
In these days Kloo Gnomes were everywhere, busily
spreading clues to humanity. They tried to concentrate certain
clues no certain areas, but mistakes were made. For this
reason nearly every culture on the planet developed the bow at
the same time. Two culture were given the clues about
pyramids. But the Kloo Gnomes got better at their trade.
The very legends of the ancients speak of the Kloo
Gnomes -- the SBOK mentions one called Prometheus, who gave
fire to the wrong tribe, and was chained to a rock in the
Sinai where hamsters nibbled at his penis for months on end.
The legend was obviously altered for a more sensitive human
audience.
During this time the Kloo Gnomes developed into five
distinct classes. The Grunt Kloo Gnomes were the field
operatives, the guys in the field who delivered clues to
humanity. There is one of them for every human being.
The second class is the Bureaucrat, that group of Kloo
Gnomes whose responsibility it is to decide who gets what clue
when. It is remarkable to note that despite the Kloo Gnome's
having developed bureauracracy, they still get things done.
Third is the Researcher Kloo Gnome, the Gnomes that
actually compile the clues. Theirs is the ultimate in pure
research -- they have no idea who is going to get the clues
they produce, and the products of their labor are meaningless
to them.
Fourth there is the Noble Kloo Gnomes. There are only
a few dozen of these, for these are the rulers of the Kloo
Gnome realm. One of them is King Kloo himself, the others
include various princes and the heads of the Grunts,
Bureaucrats, Researchers, and the Kavalry.
The Kloo Kavalry is the military arm of the Kloo
Gnomes. More about them later.
Leprechauns
Early in the days of the Kloo Gnomes, some of the
Gnomes decided that they would rather keep the clues for
themselves. This group, under the leadership of Kloo Gnome
Khan, split and took off for parts unknown. Since the split,
the Kloo Gnomes have treated them like lepers, and thus their
name, Leper-Khans.
The leprechauns (to use the English corruption of the
Klooish) have tried ever since to intercept the Grunt Kloo
Gnomes, to kill them and steal the clues being delivered to
humanity. They have even degenerated so far as to begin eating
Kloo Gnomes, a practice that started sometime after the Great
Clover Famine.
The Kloo Gnomes haven't let this go unanswered,
however. The Kloo Kavalry was formed to protect Grunts as they
go about their business, and has been responsible for all of
the anti-leprechaun measures that have been developed.
The first battlefield between the Gnomes and the
leprechauns was Britain. It was there that the Kavalry
discovered that leprechauns didn't have the sense to step over
a closed circle. The Kavalry built stone circles to serve as
sanctuaries for the Grunts, the most famous of which is
Stonehenge. The paths worn by the Grunts running from circle
to circle have gone down into legend as the ley lines.
This battle raged on for centuries, and sadly the
leprechauns began to win. They forced the Gnomes back into the
sanctuary of the civilization that had most benefited from
their activities, Imperial Rome.
The Romans had somehow realized the power of circles
for increasing the supply of clues. Every city the Romans
built included a circular Coliseum, where unbeknownst to the
Romans, the Kloo Gnomes could seek shelter from the leprechauns.
However the leprechauns knew how the Roman
constructions were saving the Kloo Gnomes. They were now in
control of northern Europe, and set the Germanic tribes to
marching south.
We all know the result of this war. The Kloo Gnomes
were stuck in Byzantium until the Moslem minarets began to
appear, creating yet another sanctuary for the Kloo Gnomes.
Squirrels
Most Kloo Gnomes ride specially bred squirrels
equipped with FTL drives. This allows them to deliver clues in
a timely manner and has even allowed them to branch out to
delivering clues to extra-terrestrials. The choice of
squirrels is apparently a religious matter, and not all Grunts
ride them. For example, the Mongolian Kloo Gnomes ride
gerbils, the Western US Kloo Gnomes ride prairie dogs, and the
Australian Kloo Gnomes had an aborted experiment with riding
wallabies.
Every member of the Kloo Kavalry rides a squirrel.
These are special squirrels, brought up on campuses like
Bradley's, and renowned for their ferocity and loyalty. In
many ways they are the war-horses of the forest world.
Leprechauns have never been seen riding animals, and
in fact have their FTL systems rammed up their asses. Some of
them, especially those born since WWII, have been seen
hitching rides on vehicles, primarily Harley-Davidsons,
Gremlins, Yugos, and Corvettes.
Circles and Clovers
As mentioned above, Kloo Gnomes find refuge in
circles. Leprechauns do not know they can step over the
circle, so end up running around and around it until they pass
out from exhaustion.
On the other hand, leprechauns are attracted to
clovers, and the large number of clover-leaf interchanges that
have sprouted across the U.S. has been linked to the poor
state of education.
The appearance of crop circles in Britain in the last
few years marks the development of a new Kavalry tactic. They
bait some leprechauns, and them take off in a run. The
leprechauns get ingrossed in the chase, and don't realize when
the Kavalry has closed the loop and formed a circle within the
high plants. The chase goes on until the circle is fully
formed, and then the Kavalry retreats to the center of the
circle to rest. The leprechauns realize that not only are they
kept from the Gnomes by a circle, but that they are also
within a circle. Trapped, they run continuously until they
pass out. Then the Kavalry rides out and finishes them off.
Most of the time the simple circle isn't enough, and
the Kavaly ends of forming complexes of circles with lines
between them. One ambush was ruined by a group of college
students who tried to form their own crop circle, to prove
that they were hoaxes.
--
Drink Tree Frog Dark!
Daffyd ap Madoc ap Caradoc ap Conan merch Llwellyn ap Clydno ap Kynon