💾 Archived View for spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › humor › insult.lst captured on 2023-11-14 at 10:11:52.
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A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat. All of your ancestors must number in the millions; its hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing you. An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall. Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash. Are you sure the nurses know you're using the computer? At your speed you'd better not stop your mouth too fast or your teeth will fly through your cranium. Bikers back down from your momma. Birds are attracted to your beard. Does the zoo know that you and the other baboons got loose? Don't you have a terribly empty feeling ---- in your skull? Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us another? During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together. Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down. Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair. Fewer than half of your cars run. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight. I admire you because I've never had the courage it takes to be a liar, a thief, and a cheat. I believe in respect for the dead; in fact I could only respect you if you WERE dead. I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat. I don't even think a horse would let you ride him! I hear that when you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you but the Mafia wanted too much. I hear that when your mother first saw you she decided to leave you on the front steps of a police station while she turned herself in. I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside. I saved yo' momma's life today...I killed a sh*t-eating dog on the way over! I saw your momma at the freak show petting the world's largest turtle. I saw your momma kicking a can down the street. I asked her what she was doing, and she said "Moving." I think you should live for the moment. But after that I doubt I'll think so. I was walking down the street with yo' momma and they started shooting - they said 'hit the dirt', and everyone jumped on yo' momma's back! I would like the pleasure of your company but it only gives me displeasure. I'll hit you so hard you'll have to take off your shoes to shit! I'll hit you so hard you'll have to unzip your pants to say hi! I'll hit you so hard your kids will be born dizzy! I'll hit you so hard your wife will fall! I'm looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven't had it yet. I've had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is definately the real thing. I've stepped on crap smarted than you! If my dog had a face as ugly as yo' momma's, I'd shave his ass and make him walk backwards! If my dog had a face as ugly as your momma's, I'd shave his ass and make him walk backwards. If you ever tax your brain, don't charge more than a penny. If you want to do better, you should lower your prices; 50 cents a night is a little high! In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite. In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?" It took yo momma 10 tries to get her drivers license, she couldnt get used to the front seat! It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it. It's your life --- but I wish you'd let us have it. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people". Man alive! But I wish you weren't. Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette. More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general. Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming. My dog says that for now on, you have to start paying him! No one should be punished for an accident of birth but you look too much like a wreck not to be. None of your shirts cover your stomach. On stag night, you take a real deer. On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor. People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe. People hear your car long before they see it. Red Man sends you a Christmas card. Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap. Since you can't run with the big dogs, just sit on the porch and lick! Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle. Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it." Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't, but even if you don't, you are still a nut. Taking a dip has nothing to do with water. Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen. The ASPCA raids your kitchen. The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute". The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road". The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house. The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year." The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!) The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls. The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot. The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth. The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the h--l are you looking at, Sh-thead?" The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it). The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones. The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business. The taillight covers of your car are made of tape. The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as much as I loathe you. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard. There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets. There are more fish on your wall than pictures. There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car. There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door. There is a gun rack on your bicycle. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house. There is a wasp nest in your living room. There is more oil in your cap than in your car. Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them. Well I'll see you in my dreams - if I eat too much. When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans. When yo' momma was born they had to take her out of the trash can, 'cause the doctor said, "Throw this shit away!" When you get run over by a car it shouldn't be listed under accidents. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not. When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death was, I'll say your stupidity. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank. When you were born, did the doctor slap the wronge end by mistake? Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her... Yo mamma so fat, she wore a X t-shirt, and a helicopter landed on her Yo mamma so skinny, she hang glides with a Dorito Yo mamma so stupid, she thinks hamburger helper comes with another person Yo mamma so stupid, she thinks menopause is a button Yo momma aint so bad...she would give you the hair off of her back! Yo momma arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear. Yo momma breath smell so bad when she yawns her teeth duck. Yo momma cross-eyed and watches TV in stereo. Yo momma feet are so big her shoes have to have license plates! Yo momma got a bald head with a part and sideburns. Yo momma got a metal afro with rusty sideburns. Yo momma got a wooden leg with a kickstand on it. Yo momma got a wooden leg with branches. Yo momma got a' afro, wit' a chin strap!!!! Yo momma got so many freckles she looks like a hamburger! Yo momma got so many teeth missing, it looks like her tounge is in jail. Yo momma got three fingers and a banjo. Yo momma got two wooden legs and one is one backward. Yo momma gums are so black she spits Yoo-hoo. Yo momma hair so nappy she has to take Tylenol just to comb it. Yo momma hair so short she curls it with rice. Yo momma hair so short when she braided it they looked like stiches. Yo momma has 10 fingers--all on the same hand. Yo momma has 4 eyes and 2 pair of sunglasses. Yo momma has a 'fro with warning lights. Yo momma has a glass eye with a fish in it. Yo momma has a short arm and can't applaude. Yo momma has a short leg and walks in circles. Yo momma has a wooden afro with an "X" carved in the back. Yo momma has an afro with a chin strap. Yo momma has green hair and thinks she's a tree. Yo momma has one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what you're saying. Yo momma has one hand and a Clapper. Yo momma has one leg and a bicycle. Yo momma has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it. Yo momma head so big it shows up on radar. Yo momma head so big she has to step into her shirts. Yo momma head so small she use a tea-bag as a pillow. Yo momma head so small that she got her ear pierced and died. Yo momma hips are so big, people set their drinks on them. Yo momma house so dirty roaches ride around on dune buggies! Yo momma house so dirty she has to wipe her feet before she goes outside. Yo momma house so small she has to go outside to eat a large pizza. Yo momma house so small that when she orders a large pizza she had to go outside to eat it. Yo momma house so small you have to go outside to change your mind. Yo momma in a wheelchair and says, "You ain't gonna puch me 'round no more." Yo momma is missing a finger and can't count past 9. Yo momma like Domino's pizza-- Something for nothing Yo momma like Orange Crush: "Good Vibrations!" Yo momma like a T.V. set, even a three year old can turn her on! Yo momma like a Toyota: "Oh what a feelin'!" Yo momma like a bowling ball. She's picked up, fingered, and then thrown in the gutter. Yo momma like a bubble-gum machine... five cents a blow. Yo momma like a bus, fifty cents and she's ready to ride! Yo momma like a bus: Guys climb on and off her all day long. Yo momma like a doorknob - everyone gets a turn! Yo momma like a doorknob, everyone gets a turn! Yo momma like a golf course, everyone GETS a hole in one! Yo momma like a hardware store: 4 cents a screw! Yo momma like a refridgerator: everyone likes to put their meat in her! Yo momma like a rifle... four cocks and she's loaded. Yo momma like a screen door, after a couple bangs she tends to loosen up! Yo momma like a shotgun: one cock and she blows! Yo momma like a tomato source bottle, everyone gets a squeeze out of her! Yo momma like a vaccuum cleaner.....a real good suck. Yo momma like cake mix, 15 servings per package! Yo momma like chinese food: sweet, sour and cheap! Yo momma like potato chips-- Fri-to Lay Yo momma like the pillbury doughboy - everyone gets a poke! Yo momma like the railway system, she gets laid all over the country! Yo momma lips so big, Chap Stick had to invent a spray. Yo momma middle name is Rambo. Yo momma mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound. Yo momma nose so big she makes Pinochio look like a cat! Yo momma nose so big you can go bowling with her boogers! Yo momma rouchy, the McDonalds she works in doesn't even serve Happy Meals. Yo momma so bald even a wig wouldn't help! Yo momma so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed. Yo momma so bald you can see whats on her mind Yo momma so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone. Yo momma so dark she has to wear white gloves when she eats Tootsie Rolls to keep from eating her fingers. Yo momma so dark she spits chocolate milk! Yo momma so dark she went to night school and was marked absent! Yo momma so dark she went to night school and was marked absent. Yo momma so dark that she can leave fingerprints on charcoal. Yo momma so dirty she has to creep up on bathwater. Yo momma so fat God couldn't light Earth till she moved! Yo momma so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the bitches good side! Yo momma so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas. Yo momma so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her! Yo momma so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction! Yo momma so fat even her clothes have stretch marks! Yo momma so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil! Yo momma so fat her college graduation picture was an airial. Yo momma so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky! Yo momma so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs! Yo momma so fat her nickname is "DAMN" Yo momma so fat it takes her two trips to haul ass Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise Yo momma so fat sets off car alarms when she runs. Yo momma so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out. Yo momma so fat she broke her leg and gravy poured out Yo momma so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out! Yo momma so fat she cant reach her back pocket. Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks. Yo momma so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon! Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it! Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it. Yo momma so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!" Yo momma so fat she got hit by a parked car! Yo momma so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway Yo momma so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway! Yo momma so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets Yo momma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized Yo momma so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans! Yo momma so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand! Yo momma so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors Yo momma so fat she has to buy two airline tickets. Yo momma so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway. Yo momma so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper! Yo momma so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl. Yo momma so fat she influences the tides. Yo momma so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck. Yo momma so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck! Yo momma so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck. Yo momma so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy Yo momma so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the water Yo momma so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops. Yo momma so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon! Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller! Yo momma so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard. Yo momma so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar! Yo momma so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washington's nose. Yo momma so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of george washington's nose. Yo momma so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in! Yo momma so fat she stands in two time zones. Yo momma so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles. Yo momma so fat she steps on a scale & it goes one at a time please Yo momma so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon. Yo momma so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections! Yo momma so fat she was baptised in the ocean. Yo momma so fat she was baptized at Marine World. Yo momma so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for then new world Yo momma so fat she was mistaken for God's bowling ball! Yo momma so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone Yo momma so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg. Yo momma so fat she's got her own area code! Yo momma so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book! Yo momma so fat she's on both sides of the family! Yo momma so fat shes on both sides of the family. Yo momma so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views! Yo momma so fat that she cant tie her own shoes. Yo momma so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, the bitch caused an eclipse. Yo momma so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas. Yo momma so fat that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips! Yo momma so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean..... Yo momma so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks. Yo momma so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her Yo momma so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts!!! Yo momma so fat the animals at the zoo feed her. Yo momma so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn" Yo momma so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures Yo momma so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out! Yo momma so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it. Yo momma so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping Yo momma so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet. Yo momma so fat were in her right now Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up Yo momma so fat when she back up she beep. Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps she pulls down the bridge too Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too Yo momma so fat when she bunje jumps she goes straight to hell! Yo momma so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips. Yo momma so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again. Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued. Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock. Yo momma so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER! Yo momma so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?" Yo momma so fat when she has sex, she has to give directions! Yo momma so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!! Yo momma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun! Yo momma so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago... Yo momma so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights! Yo momma so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE! Yo momma so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo. Yo momma so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow! Yo momma so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please" Yo momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12th Yo momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people say "Taxi!" Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!" Yo momma so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her back! Yo momma so fat when the bitch goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps. Yo momma so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground. Yo momma so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop! Yo momma so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in! Yo momma so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through Yo momma so fat you have to roll her ass in flour and look for the wet spot to fuck her! Yo momma so flat she's jealous of the wall! Yo momma so greasy Texaco buys Oil from her Yo momma so greasy she sweats Crisco! Yo momma so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid! Yo momma so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture! Yo momma so hairy she look like she got Buchwheat in a headlock. Yo momma so hairy she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan. Yo momma so hairy she's got afros on her nipples! Yo momma so hairy you almost died of rugburn at birth! Yo momma so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs. Yo momma so nasty I called her for phone sex and she gave me an ear infection. Yo momma so nasty Ozzie Ozbourne refused to bite her head off Yo momma so nasty She gotta put ice down her drawers to keep the crabs fresh! Yo momma so nasty she brings crabs to the beach Yo momma so nasty she has to creep up on bathwater. Yo momma so nasty she made right guard turn left. Yo momma so nasty she made speed stick slow down. Yo momma so nasty that her shit is glad to escape. Yo momma so nasty that pours salt water down her pants to keep her crabs fresh. Yo momma so nasty the fishery be paying her to leave Yo momma so nasty when she goes to a hair salon, she told the stylist to cut her hair and she opened up her shirt Yo momma so old I told her to act her own age, and the bitch died. Yo momma so old and stupid she knew the Virgin Mary when she was 10 and said, "Li'l Mary will never amount to anything". Yo momma so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals. Yo momma so old her birth certificate says expired on it. Yo momma so old her social security number is 1! Yo momma so old she has Jesus' beeper number! Yo momma so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook. Yo momma so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince. Yo momma so old she owes Jesus 3 bucks! Yo momma so old she owes Jesus a nickel. Yo momma so old she ran track with dinosaurs. Yo momma so old she sat behind Jesus in the third grade. Yo momma so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper. Yo momma so old she's in Jesus's yearbook! Yo momma so old that when God said let the be light, she hit the switch' Yo momma so old that when she was in school there was no history class. Yo momma so old when God said "Let their be light", she flipped the switch. Yo momma so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp. Yo momma so poor she can't afford to pay attention! Yo momma so poor she drives a peanut. Yo momma so poor she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people's fingers. Yo momma so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya doin'?" She said, "Buying luggage." Yo momma so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning. Yo momma so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway. Yo momma so poor when I ring the doorbell I hear the toilet flush! Yo momma so poor when I ring the doorbell she says,"DING!" Yo momma so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving." Yo momma so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!!! Yo momma so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk. Yo momma so short she can play handball on the curb. Yo momma so short she does backflips under the bed. Yo momma so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime. Yo momma so short she models for trophys. Yo momma so short she poses for trophies! Yo momma so short you can see her feet on her drivers lisence! Yo momma so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex. Yo momma so skinny she hula hoops with a cheerio Yo momma so skinny she turned sideways and dissapeared. Yo momma so slutty I fucked her and I's a chick! Yo momma so slutty she blind and seeing another man. Yo momma so slutty she could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch ball! Yo momma so slutty she could suck-start a Harley! Yo momma so slutty she had her own "Hands across her ass" charity drive Yo momma so slutty she was on the cover of wheaties, with her legs open, and it said "breakfast of the champs" Yo momma so slutty that I could've been your daddy, but the guy in line behind me had the correct change. Yo momma so slutty that when she heard Santa Claus say HO HO HO she thought she was getting it three times. Yo momma so slutty when she got a new mini skirt, everyone commented on her nice belt! Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes! Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes Yo momma so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911" Yo momma so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight! Yo momma so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home. Yo momma so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check. Yo momma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved! Yo momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out. Yo momma so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl Yo momma so stupid she jumped out the window and went up. Yo momma so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners. Yo momma so stupid she put lipstick on her forehead, talking about she was trying to makeup her mind. Yo momma so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house. Yo momma so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch! Yo momma so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money! Yo momma so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back. Yo momma so stupid she stole free bread. Yo momma so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds! Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterbacks a refund! Yo momma so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund. Yo momma so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train. Yo momma so stupid she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read Yo momma so stupid she took a cup to see Juice. Yo momma so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. Yo momma so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl. Yo momma so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain. Yo momma so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif. Yo momma so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes. Yo momma so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind Yo momma so stupid that she sold the car for gas money. Yo momma so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order! Yo momma so stupid that under "Education" on her job apllication, she put "Hooked on Phonics." Yo momma so stupid was born on Independence Day and can't remember her birthday. Yo momma so stupid when asked on an application, "Sex?", she marked, "M, F and sometimes Wednesday too." Yo momma so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K." Yo momma so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends Yo momma so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead. Yo momma so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean! Yo momma so stupid when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon Yo momma so stupid you have to dig for her IQ! Yo momma so supid she could trip over a cordless phone! Yo momma so tall she did a back-flip and kicked Jesus in the mouth. Yo momma so tall she tripped in Michigan and hit her head in Florida. Yo momma so tall she tripped over a rock and hit her head on the moon. Yo momma so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound. Yo momma so ugly Ted Dansen wouldn't date her! Yo momma so ugly The NHL banned her for life Yo momma so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her! Yo momma so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone! Yo momma so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her Yo momma so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her. Yo momma so ugly if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects! Yo momma so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck Yo momma so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it." Yo momma so ugly people go as her for Halloween. Yo momma so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween! Yo momma so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween. Yo momma so ugly she had to get her baby drunk to breastfeed it! Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested! Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning. Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry! Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry. Yo momma so ugly she scares the roaches away. Yo momma so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out! Yo momma so ugly she turned Medusa to stone! Yo momma so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects. Yo momma so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her. Yo momma so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye. Yo momma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday! Yo momma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday. Yo momma so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars. Yo momma so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower Yo momma so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower! Yo momma so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints Yo momma so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints. Yo momma so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies. Yo momma so ugly they put her in dough and made monster cookies! Yo momma so ugly we have to tie a steak around your neck so the dog will play with her! Yo momma so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals." Yo momma so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say "Damn, is it Halloween already?" Yo momma so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras Yo momma so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours. . .for a quote! Yo momma so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on. Yo momma teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice. Yo momma teeth are so yellow she spits butter! Yo momma teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles! Yo momma twice the man you are. Yo momma wears knee-pads and yells "Curb Service!" Yo momma's glasses are so thick she can see into the future. Yo momma's glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map she can see people waving. Yo momma's glasses are so thick, she could read my mind! Yo' daddy has to stick his d*ck in the freezer to get hard! Yo' daddy suffers from d*ck-do disease...his stomach hangs out farther than his d*ck do! Yo' daddy's d*ck is so small, he makes yo' momma look hung! Yo' daddy's d*ck is so small, he'd been f*cking yo' momma for an hour and she asked if it was in yet. Yo' daddy's like an arcade game, give him a quarter, and you can play with his joystick! Yo' daddy's like cement, takes him two days to get hard! Yo' daddy's so fat, even his dick has rolls! Yo' daddy's so lame, when his wife says, "Give me ten inches and make it hurt!" he does her three times and puts a vice on her head! Yo' daddy's so ugly, his own hand turns him down! Yo' daddy's so ugly, that's not a receding hair line, that's his hair running away from his face! Yo' family's so dark, when they hold hands, they look like a stretch limo! Yo' momma ain't got no arms, talkin' 'bout "I'm hangin' in there!" Yo' momma ain't got no ears, talkin' 'bout "I hear ya!" Yo' momma ain't got no eyes, talkin' 'bout "I see what you mean!" Yo' momma ain't got no fingers, talking about how she's pressing charges! Yo' momma ain't got no legs, talkin' 'bout how she's gonna run for president! Yo' momma ain't got no legs, talkin' 'bout how she's running things! Yo' momma ain't so bad...she would give you the hair off of her back! Yo' momma got a bald head with a part and sideburns! Yo' momma got a metal afro with rusty sideburns! Yo' momma got a wooden leg with a real foot! Yo' momma got a wooden leg with branches! Yo' momma got so many teeth missing it looks like her tongue is in jail! Yo' momma got three teeth...one in her mouth and two in her pocket! Yo' momma got two wooden legs and one is on backward! Yo' momma has a `fro with landing lights! Yo' momma has a glass eye with a fish in it! Yo' momma has a short leg and walks in circles! Yo' momma has a wooden afro with an 'X' carved in the back! Yo' momma has an afro with a chin strap! Yo' momma has four eyes and two pairs of sunglasses! Yo' momma has green hair and thinks she's a tree! Yo' momma has no neck and says "I'm the head of this family!" Yo' momma has one arm and when she fights, the announcer says, "She throws a right, a right, and another right!" Yo' momma has one leg and says "I'll kick yo' ass!" Yo' momma has so much wax in her ears, I stuck a Q-Tip in and pulled out a crayon! Yo' momma has ten fingers - all on the same hand! Yo' momma is so bad, when she got called for jury duty, she was found guilty! Yo' momma is so fat, when she sits in a chair, the rolls on her legs cover her feet like a blanket! Yo' momma is so fat, when she walks down the street in a green dress, everybody yells, "Run for your lives! It's GODZILLA!" Yo' momma is so ugly, her face could stop a sun dial! Yo' momma is so ugly, her face is registered as a biological weapon! Yo' momma lost at hide n' seek when I spotted her behind the Himalayas! Yo' momma reminds me of a toilet: short, white, and smells like sh*t! Yo' momma sits in a wheelchair and says "I ain't gonna stand for this!" Yo' momma talks on the phone so much, it's even busy when I dial the wrong number! Yo' momma threw a frisbee three weeks ago that hasn't landed yet! Yo' momma was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya doin'?" She said, "Buying luggage!" Yo' momma' so fat, she's moving the Earth out of its orbit! Yo' momma's arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear! Yo' momma's blind and seeing another man! Yo' momma's brain is so small, if I took it and rolled it down the edge of a razor blade, it would be like a lone car going down a six lane highway! Yo' momma's brain is so small, if you stuffed it up an ant's butt, it would still rattle like a BB in a tin can! Yo' momma's brain is so small, quarks beat up on it! Yo' momma's breasts are so square, the milk comes out in cartons! Yo' momma's breath is so bad, her mouth needs odor eaters! Yo' momma's breath is so bad, people on the phone hang up! Yo' momma's breath is so bad, we don't know whether she needs gum or toilet paper! Yo' momma's breath is so bad, when she talks, her nose hairs fall out! Yo' momma's breath is so bad, when she yawns, her teeth duck! Yo' momma's breath is so stank, Crest and Colgate got a warrant for her arrest! Yo' momma's breath's so bad, 9 out of 10 dentists recommend that she rinse with Summer's Eve! Yo' momma's breath's so bad, when she wakes up in the morning, the mirror brushes its teeth! Yo' momma's butt is so big, she has more crack than New Jersey! Yo' momma's butt is so big, she has to shit in a dumpster! Yo' momma's butt is so bony, she put her drawers on and cut them in two! Yo' momma's car's so ugly, someone broke in just to steal The Club! Yo' momma's drawers are so nasty, the roaches check in, but they don't check out! Yo' momma's ears are so big, she can hear sign language! Yo' momma's ears are so big, she can hear what I'm thinking! Yo' momma's ears are so big, she drives the freeways by sonar! Yo' momma's feet are so ashy, it looks like she kicks flour for a living! Yo' momma's feet are so big, Bozo's envious! Yo' momma's feet are so big, her shoes gotta have license plates on 'em! Yo' momma's feet are so big, she was the landlord of the old woman who lived in a shoe! Yo' momma's feet are so nasty, when she wants jam, she gets someone to run a loaf of bread between her toes! Yo' momma's forehead's so big, you could show slides on it! Yo' momma's glasses are so thick, when she looks at a map, she can see people waving! Yo' momma's got a four dollar weave and don't know when to leave! Yo' momma's got a wooden leg with a kick stand and has to nail her stockings up! Yo' momma's got eyes in her butt, talking about "D*mn, did you see that sh*t?!" Yo' momma's got hair on her tongue and she gargles with curl activator! Yo' momma's got more weave than a dog in traffic! Yo' momma's got no fingers talking 'bout wanting to be with the Pointer sisters! Yo' momma's got no left eye, and she's talkin' 'bout "Make this left!" Yo' momma's got no legs and always talking about how she kicks ass! Yo' momma's got one ear, talking 'bout she wants to hear both sides of the story! Yo' momma's got one eye, one leg, one arm and one knee and they call her 'Uno'! Yo' momma's got one leg and people call her 'Ilene'! Yo' momma's got one leg longer than other and they call her call her 'hip hop'! Yo' momma's got one leg, talkin' 'bout "Ain't no half steppin'!" Yo' momma's got one toe and one knee and they call her 'Tony'! Yo' momma's got snake skin teeth! Yo' momma's got so many gaps in her teeth, it looks like piano keys! Yo' momma's got so many rings around her belly, she screws her underwear on! Yo' momma's got three fingers, talkin' 'bout "Gimme five!" Yo' momma's got three toes and three knees and they call her 'Toni Tone Tony'! Yo' momma's hair has so much mousse in it, it could deflect bullets! Yo' momma's hair is so nappy, even Moses couldn't part it! Yo' momma's hair is so nappy, her comb had to get dentures! Yo' momma's hair is so nappy, she has to take Tylenol just to comb it! Yo' momma's hair is so nappy, when she combs her hair, her teeth bleed! Yo' momma's hair is so short, she curls it with rice! Yo' momma's hair is so short, when she braided it, they looked like stitches! Yo' momma's has no ears... I seen her trying on sunglasses...! Yo' momma's head is so big she has to step into her shirts! Yo' momma's head is so big, it shows up on radar! Yo' momma's head is so big, she has to wash her hair at Niagra Falls! Yo' momma's head is so small, she could wear fruit loops as head rags! Yo' momma's head is so small, she got her ear pierced and died! Yo' momma's head is so small, she use a tea-bag as a pillow! Yo' momma's house has roaches so big, the termites have to carry switchblades! Yo' momma's house is so dusty, the roaches ride around on dune buggies! Yo' momma's house is so nasty, I tripped over a rat, and a cockroach stole my wallet! Yo' momma's house is so nasty, even the cockroaches wear slippers! Yo' momma's house is so poor, they tore it down and put up a slum! Yo' momma's house is so small, I put a key in the door lock and broke a window! Yo' momma's house is so small, I walked in the front door and tripped over the back fence! Yo' momma's house is so small, if I stuck a key in the door, I'd stab three people! Yo' momma's house is so small, she dropped a washcloth and you had instant carpeting! Yo' momma's house is so small, the roaches got hunchback! Yo' momma's house is so small, the welcome mat just says wel...! Yo' momma's legs are so hairy, if she had fur coat and a banana, they'd stick her back in the zoo! Yo' momma's lips are so big, ChapStick had to invent a spray! Yo' momma's lips are so big, she needs a kick stand to hold them up! Yo' momma's lips are so big, she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller! Yo' momma's lips are so big, when she smiles, her hair gets wet! Yo' momma's mass is so great that she has her own event horizon! Yo' momma's mass is so infinite that she's a singularity! Yo' momma's maxi pad is so thick, she could bend over and deflect bullets! Yo' momma's middle name is Rambo! Yo' momma's mouth is so big, she speaks in surround sound! Yo' momma's nose is so big, she makes Pinocchio look like a cat! Yo' momma's nose is so big, she needs a screen on it to keep from sucking small children in! Yo' momma's so bald, I can read her mind! Yo' momma's so bald, even a wig wouldn't help! Yo' momma's so bald, she took a shower and got brainwashed! Yo' momma's so bald, when she goes to sleep, her head keeps slipping off the pillow! Yo' momma's so bald, when she puts on a turtle neck, she looks like a roll on deodorant! Yo' momma's so bald, you can see what's on her mind! Yo' momma's so black, she goes to a funeral naked, and no one notices! Yo' momma's so blind, she dropped a dime and picked up two nickels! Yo' momma's so blind, she has one of her eyes stuck up her ass and she still can't see shit! Yo' momma's so bucktoothed, she can eat corn-on-the-cob through a picket fence! Yo' momma's so cross-eyed, she thought her only child was a twin! Yo' momma's so cross-eyed, she watches TV in stereo! Yo' momma's so dark, a piece of coal makes a white mark on her! Yo' momma's so dark, if she sat in a jacuzzi, the water would turn into coffee! Yo' momma's so dark, if they put her in a bottle, she'd be a Pepsi! Yo' momma's so dark, she bleeds smoke! Yo' momma's so dark, she drinks water and pees coffee! Yo' momma's so dark, she has to wear white gloves when she eats Tootsie Rolls to keep from eating her fingers! Yo' momma's so dark, she leaves fingerprints on charcoal! Yo' momma's so dark, she went to night school and was marked absent! Yo' momma's so dark, that lightening bugs follow her in the daytime! Yo' momma's so dark, the police shot at her, and the bullets came back for flashlights! Yo' momma's so dark, they die bowling balls in her bath water! Yo' momma's so dark, they made a movie of her heart transplant called "From the darkest heart of Africa"! Yo' momma's so dark, when people refer to darkness coming in the future, they refer to her next visit! Yo' momma's so dark, when she gets out of the car, the oil light comes on! Yo' momma's so dark, when she puts lotion on her legs, it looks like she has on leather pants! Yo' momma's so dark, when she sits in a hot tub, she makes tea! Yo' momma's so fat 'n dark, she jumped in the ocean and they thought she was an oil spill! Yo' momma's so fat and black, when she goes skydiving she turns day into night! Yo' momma's so fat and her back so crooked, when she lays down, people say "I didn't know we had mountains!" Yo' momma's so fat and stupid, her waist size is larger than her I.Q.! Yo' momma's so fat that when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks! Yo' momma's so fat, "Place Your Ad Here" is printed on each of her butt cheeks! Yo' momma's so fat, Dr. Martens had to kill three cows just to make her a pair of shoes! Yo' momma's so fat, I gain weight just by watching her eat! Yo' momma's so fat, I gotta take three steps back just to see all of her! Yo' momma's so fat, I have to take a plane, a train, and an automobile just to get on her good side! Yo' momma's so fat, I kept trying to leave her, but I couldn't escape her gravitational pull! Yo' momma's so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost! Yo' momma's so fat, McDonald's has to change their sign every time she eats there! Yo' momma's so fat, NASA hauls her to the top of a tower, pushes her off, she falls 300 feet, hits a board and launches the space shuttle...! Yo' momma's so fat, NASA orbits a satellite around her! Yo' momma's so fat, Neil Armstrong landed on her in 1969! Yo' momma's so fat, Thanksgiving Day, she ate dinner for six hours, then said, "I am going to walk this meal off." I said, "Call me when you get to Brazil!" Yo' momma's so fat, all the chairs in her house have seat belts! Yo' momma's so fat, at the zoo, the elephants started throwing HER peanuts! Yo' momma's so fat, cars run out of gas before passing her fat *ss! Yo' momma's so fat, even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction! Yo' momma's so fat, even her clothes have stretch marks! Yo' momma's so fat, every time she walks in high heels, she strikes oil! Yo' momma's so fat, her *ss has its own congressman! Yo' momma's so fat, her belly jiggle is the first perpetual motion machine! Yo' momma's so fat, her belly-button's got an echo! Yo' momma's so fat, her butt looks like two pigs fighting over a Hershey Kiss! Yo' momma's so fat, her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard! Yo' momma's so fat, her doctor's a grounds keeper! Yo' momma's so fat, her legs are like spoiled milk - white and chunky! Yo' momma's so fat, her navel gets home 15 minutes before she does! Yo' momma's so fat, her nickname is "DAMN!" Yo' momma's so fat, her nickname is the Badyear Blimp! Yo' momma's so fat, her picture fell off the wall! Yo' momma's so fat, her senior pictures had to be aerial views! Yo' momma's so fat, her shoes have to have license plates! Yo' momma's so fat, if she put her hand on her hip, she would look like a gallon of milk! Yo' momma's so fat, if she was a super hero, she would be the Incredible Bulk! Yo' momma's so fat, if she was two feet taller, she'd be spherical! Yo' momma's so fat, if she wears fish-net stockings, they'd better be fifty pound test! Yo' momma's so fat, if she weighed five more pounds, she could get group insurance! Yo' momma's so fat, if she were an airplane, she'd be a jumbo jet! Yo' momma's so fat, in school when she stood up and turned around, she would erase all the black-boards in the room! Yo' momma's so fat, instead of Levi's 501 jeans, she wears Levi's 1002's! Yo' momma's so fat, it say on her driver's license "Picture continued on back." Yo' momma's so fat, it took God one day to create the earth and five days to create yo' momma! Yo' momma's so fat, people jog around her for exercise! Yo' momma's so fat, people use her dandruff as quilts! Yo' momma's so fat, she bumps into people even when she's sitting down! Yo' momma's so fat, she bungee jumped and went straight to hell! Yo' momma's so fat, she can kick start a 747! Yo' momma's so fat, she can lay down and stand up, and her height doesn't change! Yo' momma's so fat, she can smell bacon frying in Canada! Yo' momma's so fat, she can't even jump to a conclusion! Yo' momma's so fat, she can't stay on a basketball court for three seconds without getting called for a key violation! Yo' momma's so fat, she can't wear Daisy Dukes - she has to wear Boss Hoggs! Yo' momma's so fat, she climbed Mt. Fuji with one step! Yo' momma's so fat, she could sell shade! Yo' momma's so fat, she doesn't sit, she spreads! Yo' momma's so fat, she don't have cellulite, she has celluHEAVY! Yo' momma's so fat, she don't know whether she's walking or rolling! Yo' momma's so fat, she don't take pictures, she takes posters! Yo' momma's so fat, she eats Wheat *Thicks*! Yo' momma's so fat, she fell in love and broke it! Yo' momma's so fat, she gets clothes in three sizes: extra large, jumbo, and oh-my-g*d-it's-coming-towards-us! Yo' momma's so fat, she gets her dresses made by Barnum and Bailey! Yo' momma's so fat, she gets stuck in her dreams! Yo' momma's so fat, she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says, "Okay!" Yo' momma's so fat, she got a ticket for going the wrong way down a one way street when she was walking! Yo' momma's so fat, she got hit by a car and the car sued for damages! Yo' momma's so fat, she had her ears pierced with a harpoon! Yo' momma's so fat, she had to go to Sea World to get baptized! Yo' momma's so fat, she has 48 midnight snacks! Yo' momma's so fat, she has a refrigerator strapped to her waist, and it looks like a pager! Yo' momma's so fat, she has a wooden leg with a kick stand! Yo' momma's so fat, she has her own asteroid belt! Yo' momma's so fat, she has her own brand of jeans: FA - Fat *ss Jeans! Yo' momma's so fat, she has more nooks and crannies than Thomas' English Muffin! Yo' momma's so fat, she has to be fed by slingshot! Yo' momma's so fat, she has to buy two plane tickets, and she doesn't even notice the armrest! Yo' momma's so fat, she has to grease her hands to get into her pockets! Yo' momma's so fat, she has to sleep in the barn with the rest of the cows! Yo' momma's so fat, she has to use a VCR as a beeper! Yo' momma's so fat, she has to wear a hat with a blinking red light to scare off the airplanes! Yo' momma's so fat, she hula-hooped the super bowl! Yo' momma's so fat, she jumped in the ocean, and the whales started singing, "We are family!" Yo' momma's so fat, she keeps her extra change in one of her folds! Yo' momma's so fat, she left the house in high heels and when she came back, she had on flip flops! Yo' momma's so fat, she lives in two time zones - supper time and dinner time! Yo' momma's so fat, she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon! Yo' momma's so fat, she looks like the Stay-Puff marshmallow man on steroids! Yo' momma's so fat, she made Richard Simmons cry! Yo' momma's so fat, she makes Big Bird look like a rubber duck! Yo' momma's so fat, she makes sumo wrestlers look anorexic! Yo' momma's so fat, she measures 36-24-36, and the other arm is just as big! Yo' momma's so fat, she needs to use a boomerang to scratch her fat *ss! Yo' momma's so fat, she pays taxes in three countries! Yo' momma's so fat, she plays pool with the planets! Yo' momma's so fat, she put on a gray dress, and an admiral boarded her! Yo' momma's so fat, she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist, they spelled out "boulevard!" Yo' momma's so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin! Yo' momma's so fat, she rolled over four quarters and it made a dollar! Yo' momma's so fat, she roller skates on busses! Yo' momma's so fat, she runs on diesel! Yo' momma's so fat, she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in! Yo' momma's so fat, she sat on the corner and the police came and said, "Break it up!" Yo' momma's so fat, she says her job title is Spoon and Fork Operator! Yo' momma's so fat, she sets off car alarms when she runs! Yo' momma's so fat, she shops for clothes in the local tent shop! Yo' momma's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it said, "Please step out of the car!" Yo' momma's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it told her to get the fuck off! Yo' momma's so fat, she thinks a balanced meal is a ham in each hand! Yo' momma's so fat, she tried to get an all-over tan, and the sun burned out! Yo' momma's so fat, she uses a basketball as a hackey sack! Yo' momma's so fat, she uses bowling balls for earrings! Yo' momma's so fat, she uses the carpet as a blanket! Yo' momma's so fat, she uses the freeway as a slip 'n slide! Yo' momma's so fat, she uses the swimming pool as a toilet! Yo' momma's so fat, she walked in front of the TV, and I missed three commercials! Yo' momma's so fat, she was Miss Arizona -- class Battleship! Yo' momma's so fat, she was born on the 4th, 5th and 6th of March! Yo' momma's so fat, she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth! Yo' momma's so fat, she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for their new world! Yo' momma's so fat, she was kidnapped by a cannibal tribe, and they all died of cholesterol! Yo' momma's so fat, she was lifting up her rolls, and a car fell out! Yo' momma's so fat, she was standing at a corner and the cops came over and said, "Hey! Break it up!" Yo' momma's so fat, she was stopped by police dogs at the airport for having 300 lbs of crack under her dress! Yo' momma's so fat, she wears a microwave for a beeper! Yo' momma's so fat, she wears pillow cases for socks and hula hoops to hold them up! Yo' momma's so fat, she went on a light diet...as soon as it's light, she starts eating! Yo' momma's so fat, she went on a seafood diet...whenever she saw food, she ate it! Yo' momma's so fat, she went to the salad bar and pulled up a chair! Yo' momma's so fat, she won Miss Bessie the Cow, 96! Yo' momma's so fat, she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse! Yo' momma's so fat, she's 36-24-36...but that's her forearm, neck, and thigh! Yo' momma's so fat, she's got Amtrak tattooed on her leg! Yo' momma's so fat, she's got a zit on her butt that's known as Mt. St. Helen! Yo' momma's so fat, she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book! Yo' momma's so fat, she's got shock absorbers on her toilet seat! Yo' momma's so fat, she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her! Yo' momma's so fat, she's half Indian, half Irish, and half French! Yo' momma's so fat, she's taller lying down! Yo' momma's so fat, the Himalayas are practice runs to prepare for her! Yo' momma's so fat, the Himalayas are practices runs to prepare for her! Yo' momma's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs! Yo' momma's so fat, the highway patrol made her wear a sign that said, "Caution! Wide Turn!" Yo' momma's so fat, the last time she saw 90210, it was on a scale! Yo' momma's so fat, the local police hired her to be a roadblock! Yo' momma's so fat, the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures! Yo' momma's so fat, the only thing she can fit into at the clothing store is the dressing rooms! Yo' momma's so fat, the shadow of her *ss weighs 50 pounds! Yo' momma's so fat, the sign outside one restaurant says 'Maximum occupancy, 512, or YO' MOMMA!' Yo' momma's so fat, the telephone company gave her two area codes! Yo' momma's so fat, they had to let out the shower curtain! Yo' momma's so fat, they had to paint a stripe down her back to see if she was walking or rolling! Yo' momma's so fat, they have to grease the bath tub to get her out! Yo' momma's so fat, they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it! Yo' momma's so fat, they use her underwear elastic for bungee jumping! Yo' momma's so fat, they use her underwear for the screen at the movies! Yo' momma's so fat, they used her for a trampoline at the Olympics! Yo' momma's so fat, they're going to use her to fill that hole in the ozone layer! Yo' momma's so fat, to her, "light food" means under four tons! Yo' momma's so fat, to her, 'light food' means under four tons! Yo' momma's so fat, we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet! Yo' momma's so fat, when I climbed up on top of her, I burned my *ss on the light bulb! Yo' momma's so fat, when I said I wanted 'pigs in a blanket', she got back in bed! Yo' momma's so fat, when I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas! Yo' momma's so fat, when I yell "Kool-Aid," she comes crashing through the wall! Yo' momma's so fat, when Scorpion did the harpoon throw on her, he got arrested for whaling! Yo' momma's so fat, when her beeper went off, people thought she was backing up! Yo' momma's so fat, when she auditioned for a part in "Indiana Jones," she got the part as the big rolling ball! Yo' momma's so fat, when she backs up, she beeps! Yo' momma's so fat, when she bends over, we go into daylight savings time! Yo' momma's so fat, when she brought her dress to the cleaners, they said, "Sorry, we don't do curtains!" Yo' momma's so fat, when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too! Yo' momma's so fat, when she comes down the stairs, she measures on the Richter scale! Yo' momma's so fat, when she crosses the street, cars look out for her! Yo' momma's so fat, when she dances at a concert, the whole band skips! Yo' momma's so fat, when she fell over, she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again! Yo' momma's so fat, when she fills up the tub, she FILLS UP the tub! Yo' momma's so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down! Yo' momma's so fat, when she gets on the scale, it says, "We don't do livestock!" Yo' momma's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate! Yo' momma's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant, she orders everything on the menu, including "Thank You, Come Again"! Yo' momma's so fat, when she goes to an all-you-can-eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps! Yo' momma's so fat, when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER! Yo' momma's so fat, when she goes to the circus, she sees the big top and asks, "Where can I try that on?!" Yo' momma's so fat, when she goes to the circus, she takes up all the rings! Yo' momma's so fat, when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?" Yo' momma's so fat, when she has sex, she has to give directions! Yo' momma's so fat, when she hauls *ss, she has friends come help! Yo' momma's so fat, when she hauls *ss, she has to make two trips! Yo' momma's so fat, when she last went to church, nobody would leave until she sang! Yo' momma's so fat, when she lays down, stunt men try to jump over her! Yo' momma's so fat, when she leaves the beach, everybody shouts, "The coast is clear!" Yo' momma's so fat, when she lies on the beach, no one else gets sun! Yo' momma's so fat, when she needs a shower, she goes to a car wash! Yo' momma's so fat, when she plays hopscotch, she goes "New York, L.A., Chicago..." Yo' momma's so fat, when she runs, she makes the CD player skip...at the radio station! Yo' momma's so fat, when she sat on a dollar bill, blood came out of George Washington's nose! Yo' momma's so fat, when she sings, it's over! Yo' momma's so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house! Yo' momma's so fat, when she sits on a chair, she makes paper! Yo' momma's so fat, when she stands in a left-turn lane, it gives her the green arrow! Yo' momma's so fat, when she starts a marathon, she's already at the finish line! Yo' momma's so fat, when she stepped on a train track, the warning lights went on! Yo' momma's so fat, when she stood in front of the HOLLYWOOD letters we thought we were in the hood (HO*****OD)! Yo' momma's so fat, when she sweats, people wear raincoats around her! Yo' momma's so fat, when she swims, she leaves stretch marks on the swimming pool! Yo' momma's so fat, when she takes a shower, her feet don't get wet! Yo' momma's so fat, when she talks to herself, it's a long distance call! Yo' momma's so fat, when she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party! Yo' momma's so fat, when she walks down the street, everyone yells "Earthquake!" Yo' momma's so fat, when she walks down the street, you can hear her hips saying to each other "If you let me by, I'll let you pass!" Yo' momma's so fat, when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her five YEARS to live! Yo' momma's so fat, when she was walking in her jeans, I swear I smelled something burning! Yo' momma's so fat, when she wears a purple sweater, people call her "Barney"! Yo' momma's so fat, when she wears a red dress in the summer, kids run after her yelling, "Kool Aid! Kool Aid!" Yo' momma's so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, kids think it's the school bus! Yo' momma's so fat, when she wears a yellow shirt, people wear sunglasses! Yo' momma's so fat, when she wears corduroy pants, the ridges don't show! Yo' momma's so fat, when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her back! Yo' momma's so fat, when she went to Sea World, she came out with a paycheck! Yo' momma's so fat, when she went to get a water bed, they put a blanket across Lake Michigan! Yo' momma's so fat, when she went to the airport and said she wanted to fly, they stamped Goodyear on her and sent her out to the runway! Yo' momma's so fat, when she wore a shirt with an AA on it, people thought she was American Airlines' biggest jet! Yo' momma's so fat, when she wore a yellow raincoat, people said, "Taxi!" Yo' momma's so fat, when she works at the theater, she works as the screen! Yo' momma's so fat, when she's in a jacuzzi, she makes her own gravy! Yo' momma's so fat, when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground! Yo' momma's so fat, when yo' daddy makes love to her, he never makes love to the same fold twice! Yo' momma's so fat, when you get on top of her, your ears pop! Yo' momma's so fat, whenever she goes to the beach, the tide comes in! Yo' momma's so fat, yo' daddy's idea of foreplay is setting up the on-ramps! Yo' momma's so fat, you have to grease the door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side just to get her through! Yo' momma's so fat, you haveta roll over twice to get off her! Yo' momma's so flat, she's jealous of the wall! Yo' momma's so flat, she's the only woman in the world with two backs! Yo' momma's so greasy, Texaco buys oil from her! Yo' momma's so greasy, her freckles slipped off! Yo' momma's so greasy, she sweats Crisco! Yo' momma's so greasy, she used bacon as a band-aid! Yo' momma's so greasy, when she cooks, she rubs the pan with her hair! Yo' momma's so greasy, when she jumps in the ocean, she leaves a ring around the shore! Yo' momma's so greasy, when she slid into second, her butt ended up in Detriot! Yo' momma's so greedy, when she wakes up in the morning, she looks under her bed to see if she lost any sleep! Yo' momma's so grouchy, the McDonald's she works in doesn't even serve Happy Meals! Yo' momma's so hairy, Bigfoot took a picture of her! Yo' momma's so hairy, if I shaved her legs, I could supply wigs for the entire Hair Club for Men! Yo' momma's so hairy, it looks like she has Don King in a head-lock! Yo' momma's so hairy, she beats her chest after sex! Yo' momma's so hairy, she braids her hair - on her upper lip! Yo' momma's so hairy, she doesn't have a bikini line - she has a bikini book! Yo' momma's so hairy, she got a trim and lost ten pounds! Yo' momma's so hairy, she looks like a Chia Pet with a sweater on! Yo' momma's so hairy, she looks like a Chia Pet with an afro! Yo' momma's so hairy, she shaves with a weed whacker! Yo' momma's so hairy, she uses a lawn mower to shave her armpits! Yo' momma's so hairy, she was a stunt double for Chubaca in Star Wars! Yo' momma's so hairy, she wears a Nike tag on her weave, so now everyone calls her Hair Jordan! Yo' momma's so hairy, she's got afros on her breasts! Yo' momma's so hairy, when she goes to the circus, the bearded lady protests against non-union workers! Yo' momma's so hairy, when she went to a salon, she told the stylist to cut her hair, and she opened up her shirt! Yo' momma's so hairy, you almost died of rug burn at birth! Yo' momma's so hunchbacked, she has to look up to tie her shoes! Yo' momma's so hunchbacked, she has to wear goggles to wash dishes! Yo' momma's so lazy, she thinks a two-income family is where yo' daddy has two jobs! Yo' momma's so light-headed, when she jumps out of a window, she falls UP! Yo' momma's so mean, she got yo' papa pregnant! Yo' momma's so nasty, not even flies would go near her! Yo' momma's so nasty, I called her for phone sex, and she gave me an ear infection! Yo' momma's so nasty, I talked to her over the computer, and she gave me a virus! Yo' momma's so nasty, Ozzie Osbourne refused to bite her head off! Yo' momma's so nasty, a skunk smelled her *ss and passed out! Yo' momma's so nasty, even the fishery paid her to leave! Yo' momma's so nasty, every time she opens her mouth, she's talking shit! Yo' momma's so nasty, flies land on her picture! Yo' momma's so nasty, lice visit her on their vacations! Yo' momma's so nasty, she brings crabs to the beach! Yo' momma's so nasty, she gotta put ice down her drawers to keep the crabs fresh! Yo' momma's so nasty, she has to creep up on bath water! Yo' momma's so nasty, she has to use Black Flag for a deodorant! Yo' momma's so nasty, she joined the four horseman: war, death, famine, disease! Yo' momma's so nasty, she made Ben Gay go straight! Yo' momma's so nasty, she made Right Guard call for backup! Yo' momma's so nasty, she made Right Guard turn left! Yo' momma's so nasty, she made Speed Stick slow down! Yo' momma's so nasty, she makes onions cry! Yo' momma's so nasty, she only changes her drawers once every 10,000 miles! Yo' momma's so nasty, she threw a boomerang and it wouldn't even come back! Yo' momma's so nasty, she uses Drain-o to douche! Yo' momma's so nasty, she uses her dirty clothes as a weapon! Yo' momma's so nasty, she went swimming, and now we have the Dead Sea! Yo' momma's so nasty, she's like Shaq - she don't fake the funk! Yo' momma's so nasty, skunks run from her! Yo' momma's so nasty, the Nat'l Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts! Yo' momma's so nasty, the government uses her bath water for chemical weapons! Yo' momma's so nasty, while you were being delivered, the doctor was wearing an oxygen mask! Yo' momma's so old and fat that when God said "Let there be light," He told her to move her fat ass! Yo' momma's so old and so fat that Ulysses crawled up her butt with twenty soldiers and jumped out once inside Troy! Yo' momma's so old, George Burns calls her "Grandma"! Yo' momma's so old, Jurassic Park brought back memories! Yo' momma's so old, her birth certificate says "expired" on it! Yo' momma's so old, her birthday's expired! Yo' momma's so old, her memory is in black and white! Yo' momma's so old, her social security number is 1! Yo' momma's so old, she farts dust! Yo' momma's so old, she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook! Yo' momma's so old, she has an autographed Bible! Yo' momma's so old, she knew Burger King when he was a prince! Yo' momma's so old, she knew the Beetles when they were the New Kids on the Block! Yo' momma's so old, she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp! Yo' momma's so old, she owes Jesus a nickel! Yo' momma's so old, she used to babysit Jesus! Yo' momma's so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her! Yo' momma's so old, she's blind from the big bang! Yo' momma's so old, she's got hieroglyphics on her driver's license! Yo' momma's so old, the candles cost more than the birthday cake! Yo' momma's so old, the key on Ben Franklin's kite was to her apartment! Yo' momma's so old, when I told her to act her age, she died! Yo' momma's so old, when Moses split the Red Sea, she was on the other side fishing! Yo' momma's so old, when she was born, the Dead Sea was just getting sick! Yo' momma's so old, when she was young, rainbows were black and white! Yo' momma's so po', she can't even afford the "or"! Yo' momma's so poor, I came over for dinner and saw three beans on the table; I took one, and she said "Don't be greedy!" Yo' momma's so poor, I stepped on a cigarette and she yelled, "Who turned off the heat?!" Yo' momma's so poor, I stepped on her skateboard and she said, "Hey, get off the car!" Yo' momma's so poor, I walked into her house and swatted a firefly and she said, "Who turned off the lights?!" Yo' momma's so poor, I walked into her house, asked to use the bathroom, and she said, "Third tree to your right!" Yo' momma's so poor, I went into her house and flushed a cockroach down the toilet and she said, "Hey, where'd Grandma go?!" Yo' momma's so poor, I went to her house and took down some cobwebs, and she said, "Who's tearing down the drapes?!" Yo' momma's so poor, after I p*ssed in your yard, she thanked me for watering the lawn! Yo' momma's so poor, burglars break in her house and leave money! Yo' momma's so poor, even her BOSS pants are unemployed! Yo' momma's so poor, her face is on the front of a food stamp! Yo' momma's so poor, she can't even afford to pay attention! Yo' momma's so poor, she got arrested for breaking the gum-ball machine because it didn't take food stamps! Yo' momma's so poor, she has to take the trash IN! Yo' momma's so poor, she married young just to get the rice! Yo' momma's so poor, she puts food stamps in your penny loafers! Yo' momma's so poor, she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning! Yo' momma's so poor, she went to McDonald's and had to put her french fries on lay-a-way! Yo' momma's so poor, she wipes with both sides of the toilet paper! Yo' momma's so poor, the Somalians are sending HER food! Yo' momma's so poor, the only time she's smelled hot food was when a rich man farted! Yo' momma's so poor, when I asked what was for dinner, she pulled her shoelaces off and said "Spaghetti!" Yo' momma's so poor, when I ring the doorbell, I hear the toilet flush! Yo' momma's so poor, when I ring the doorbell, she says "DING!" Yo' momma's so poor, when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked what she was doing, and she said "Moving!" Yo' momma's so poor, when I saw her rolling some trash cans around in an alley, I asked her what she was doing; she said, "Remodeling!" Yo' momma's so poor, when I stepped on her door mat, she said, "Hey, you can't go upstairs!" Yo' momma's so poor, when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers! Yo' momma's so poor, when she heard about the last supper, she thought she had run out of food stamps! Yo' momma's so poor, when she wrote a check, the whole bank bounced! Yo' momma's so poor, when yo' family watches TV, they go to Sears! Yo' momma's so poor, yo' TV's got two channels: on and off! Yo' momma's so short, her best friend is an ant! Yo' momma's so short, her homies are the Keebler Elves! Yo' momma's so short, she broke her leg jumping off the toilet! Yo' momma's so short, she can bungee-jump off a curb! Yo' momma's so short, she does back-flips under the bed! Yo' momma's so short, she doesn't have legs, she has feet growing out her ass! Yo' momma's so short, she has to cuff her underwear! Yo' momma's so short, she has to get a running start to get up on the toilet! Yo' momma's so short, she has to look down to look up! Yo' momma's so short, she has to slam-dunk her change on the bus! Yo' momma's so short, she jumps off curbs, saying, "Wheeee!" Yo' momma's so short, she needs a ladder to pick up a dime! Yo' momma's so short, she pole vaults with a toothpick! Yo' momma's so short, she poses for trophies! Yo' momma's so short, she tried to commit suicide with a pin! Yo' momma's so short, she's afraid to get off the carpet alone! Yo' momma's so short, you can see her feet on her driver's license! Yo' momma's so skinny, I could blind-fold her with dental floss! Yo' momma's so skinny, I gave her a piece of popcorn and she went into a coma! Yo' momma's so skinny, if she had dreads, I'd grab her by the ankles and use her to mop the floor! Yo' momma's so skinny, instead of calling her your parent, you call her transparent! Yo' momma's so skinny, she got a run in her hose and she fell out! Yo' momma's so skinny, she has to make knots in her panty hose so that her knees can be seen! Yo' momma's so skinny, she has to run around in the shower to get wet! Yo' momma's so skinny, she has to stand in the same place twice to cast a shadow! Yo' momma's so skinny, she has to wear a belt with spandex! Yo' momma's so skinny, she hula hoops with a Cheerio! Yo' momma's so skinny, she uses Chapstick for deodorant! Yo' momma's so skinny, she uses a tie for a blanket! Yo' momma's so skinny, when she lets the water out of the bathtub, her toes get caught in the drain! Yo' momma's so skinny, when she swallowed a marble, I thought she was nine months pregnant! Yo' momma's so skinny, when she wears a red dress, people think she's a thermometer! Yo' momma's so skinny, you can save her from drowning by tossing her a Cheerio! Yo' momma's so slutty, she heard Santa say "Ho Ho Ho" and thought she was getting called three times! Yo' momma's so small, she can sit on a dime and swing her legs! Yo' momma's so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind! Yo' momma's so stupid that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics!" Yo' momma's so stupid, I saw her in the frozen food section with a fishing rod! Yo' momma's so stupid, I taught her how to do the running man and I haven't seen her since! Yo' momma's so stupid, her brain cells are on the endangered species list! Yo' momma's so stupid, her latest invention was a glass hammer! Yo' momma's so stupid, if brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough to blow her nose! Yo' momma's so stupid, if brains were gas, she wouldn't have enough to power a flea-mobile around the inside of a Fruit Loop! Yo' momma's so stupid, if her I.Q. was any lower, she'd trip over it! Yo' momma's so stupid, if you give her a penny for her intelligence, you'll get change back! Yo' momma's so stupid, it take her a month to get rid of the seven day itch! Yo' momma's so stupid, it took her two hours to watch 60 minutes! Yo' momma's so stupid, on an application it said, "Don't write here", and she wrote, "Why?" Yo' momma's so stupid, on her job application where it says 'emergency contact', she put '911'! Yo' momma's so stupid, she asked for a price check at the dollar store! Yo' momma's so stupid, she asked me what kind of jeans I had on, I said, "Guess", so she said "Levi's!" Yo' momma's so stupid, she bought a Clapper, and she only has one hand! Yo' momma's so stupid, she called information to get the number for 411 ... and when the operator said "Hold one minute", she counted to 60 and hung up!!! Yo' momma's so stupid, she called the 7-11 to see when they closed! Yo' momma's so stupid, she called the cocaine hotline to order some! Yo' momma's so stupid, she cooked her own complimentary breakfast! Yo' momma's so stupid, she couldn't tell which way an elevator was going if I gave her two guesses! Yo' momma's so stupid, she gave birth to you! Yo' momma's so stupid, she gave your uncle a blowjob cause he said it would help with his unemployment! Yo' momma's so stupid, she got hit by a cup and told the cops she got mugged! Yo' momma's so stupid, she got hit by a parked car! Yo' momma's so stupid, she got locked in Furniture World and slept on the floor! Yo' momma's so stupid, she got locked in a grocery store and starved! Yo' momma's so stupid, she got locked in a meat locker and sweat to death! Yo' momma's so stupid, she got on her knees to drink her Nehi peach drink! Yo' momma's so stupid, she got shot running for the border after seeing a Taco Bell commercial! Yo' momma's so stupid, she got shoved in an oven and froze to death! Yo' momma's so stupid, she had your brother thrown in rehab. 'cause he was Hooked on Phonics! Yo' momma's so stupid, she has one toe and bought a pair of flip flops! Yo' momma's so stupid, she mates out of season! Yo' momma's so stupid, she needed a tutor to learn how to scribble! Yo' momma's so stupid, she ordered her sushi well done! Yo' momma's so stupid, she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gumball to come out! Yo' momma's so stupid, she put on her glasses to watch 20/20! Yo' momma's so stupid, she put out the cigarette butt that was heating yo' house! Yo' momma's so stupid, she ran out of gas leaving Texaco! Yo' momma's so stupid, she said "what's that letter after x", I said, 'Y'; she said, "'Cause I wanna know!" Yo' momma's so stupid, she saw Jesus walk on water and said, "It's gotta be the shoes!" Yo' momma's so stupid, she saw a billboard that said "Dodge Trucks" and she started ducking through traffic! Yo' momma's so stupid, she sent me a fax with a stamp on it! Yo' momma's so stupid, she sits on the TV and watches the couch! Yo' momma's so stupid, she sold her car for gasoline money! Yo' momma's so stupid, she sold the house to pay the mortgage! Yo' momma's so stupid, she stole free bread! Yo' momma's so stupid, she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to say 'Go'! Yo' momma's so stupid, she studied for a blood test and failed! Yo' momma's so stupid, she thinks Christmas wrap is Snoop Dogg's holiday album! Yo' momma's so stupid, she thinks Delta Airlines is a sorority! Yo' momma's so stupid, she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonald's! Yo' momma's so stupid, she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet! Yo' momma's so stupid, she thinks MCI is a rapper! Yo' momma's so stupid, she thinks Sherlock Holmes was a housing project! Yo' momma's so stupid, she thinks Thailand is a men's clothing store! Yo' momma's so stupid, she thinks a hot meal is stolen food! Yo' momma's so stupid, she thinks a lawsuit is something you wear to court! Yo' momma's so stupid, she thinks a quarterback is a refund! Yo' momma's so stupid, she thinks a sanitary belt is drinking a shot out of a clean glass! Yo' momma's so stupid, she thinks a stereotype is a clock-radio brand! Yo' momma's so stupid, she thinks a triple is for extreme alcoholics! Yo' momma's so stupid, she thinks fruit punch is a gay boxer! Yo' momma's so stupid, she thinks it's the ice cubes that keeps the fridge cold! Yo' momma's so stupid, she thinks manual labor is a Mexican! Yo' momma's so stupid, she thinks sexual battery is something in a dildo! Yo' momma's so stupid, she thinks socialism means partying! Yo' momma's so stupid, she thinks the Internet is something you catch fish with! Yo' momma's so stupid, she thought Hamburger Helper came with another person! Yo' momma's so stupid, she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats! Yo' momma's so stupid, she thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company! Yo' momma's so stupid, she thought gangrene was another golf course! Yo' momma's so stupid, she thought menopause was a button on her tape deck! Yo' momma's so stupid, she thought the Nazis were saying "Hi, Hitler!" Yo' momma's so stupid, she thought the board of education was a piece of wood! Yo' momma's so stupid, she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read! Yo' momma's so stupid, she told me to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk"! Yo' momma's so stupid, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept! Yo' momma's so stupid, she took a spoon to the superbowl! Yo' momma's so stupid, she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain! Yo' momma's so stupid, she took the Pepsi Challenge and chose Jif! Yo' momma's so stupid, she took toilet paper to a craps game! Yo' momma's so stupid, she took you to the airport the sign said, 'Airport left', so she turned around and went home! Yo' momma's so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping out of the basement window! Yo' momma's so stupid, she tried to drop acid, but the car battery fell on her foot! Yo' momma's so stupid, she tried to drown herself in a car pool! Yo' momma's so stupid, she tried to mail a letter with food stamps! Yo' momma's so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone! Yo' momma's so stupid, she was on the corner with a sign that said "Will eat for food!" Yo' momma's so stupid, she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes! Yo' momma's so stupid, she went to Alpha Beta and asked to buy a vowel! Yo' momma's so stupid, she went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut! Yo' momma's so stupid, she went to a Whalers game to see Shamu! Yo' momma's so stupid, she went to catch the 44 bus but caught the 22 twice instead! Yo' momma's so stupid, she went to the store to buy a color TV and asked what colors they had! Yo' momma's so stupid, someone yells "hoe-down," she hits the deck! Yo' momma's so stupid, they had to burn down the school to get her out of second grade! Yo' momma's so stupid, when I was drowning and yelled for a life saver, she said, "Cherry or grape?!" Yo' momma's so stupid, when asked on an application, "Sex?", she marked, "M, F and sometimes weekends too!" Yo' momma's so stupid, when her husband lost his marbles, she bought him new ones! Yo' momma's so stupid, when she counts to ten she get stuck at 11! Yo' momma's so stupid, when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line, she put "O.K." Yo' momma's so stupid, when she saw a sign that said "Wet floor," she did! Yo' momma's so stupid, when she saw the NC-17 sign, she went home and got 16 friends! Yo' momma's so stupid, when she tried to commit suicide, she jumped off the curb! Yo' momma's so stupid, when she was filling out a job application, when she saw "sign here," she put "Scorpio"! Yo' momma's so stupid, when she worked at McDonald's and someone ordered small fries, she said, "Hey Boss, all the small ones are gone!" Yo' momma's so stupid, when the judge said, "Order in the court," she said, "I'll have a hamburger and a Coke!" Yo' momma's so stupid, when they said they were playing craps, she went and got toilet paper! Yo' momma's so stupid, when yo' daddy said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon! Yo' momma's so stupid, when you were born she looked at the umbilical cord and said, "Hey, everybody - he comes with cable!" Yo' momma's so stupid, when you were born, she looked at the umbilical cord and said, "Whoa! This thing comes wit cable!" Yo' momma's so tall, she did a back-flip and kicked Jesus in the mouth! Yo' momma's so tall, she did a push-up and burned her back on the sun! Yo' momma's so toothless, when she couldn't eat an apple, she just gummed it to death! Yo' momma's so ugly, Dairy Queen won't even treat her right! Yo' momma's so ugly, I can have sex with her in any position and it's still doggy style! Yo' momma's so ugly, I heard that yo' daddy first met her at the pound! Yo' momma's so ugly, I took her to the zoo and the monkeys said, "Damn, how'd you get out so fast!" Yo' momma's so ugly, cockroaches go like this: "HI, MOM!" Yo' momma's so ugly, even Rice Krispies won't talk to her! Yo' momma's so ugly, even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!! Yo' momma's so ugly, even a blind man wouldn't have sex with her! Yo' momma's so ugly, even the elephant man paid to see her! Yo' momma's so ugly, her doctor is a vet! Yo' momma's so ugly, her face is closed on weekends! Yo' momma's so ugly, her face is like the south end of a north-bound camel! Yo' momma's so ugly, her face looks like a blind cobbler's thumb! Yo' momma's so ugly, her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her! Yo' momma's so ugly, her momma had to feed her with a sling shot! Yo' momma's so ugly, her mother used to put rubber bands on her ears so people would think the girl was wearing a mask! Yo' momma's so ugly, her picture is on the inside of a Roach Motel! Yo' momma's so ugly, her psychiatrist makes her lie face down! Yo' momma's so ugly, if ugly were an Olympic event, she would be the dream team! Yo' momma's so ugly, if ugly were bricks, she'd be a high rise! Yo' momma's so ugly, instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck! Yo' momma's so ugly, it looks like her face caught fire and they put it out with an ice pick! Yo' momma's so ugly, it looks like her neck threw up! Yo' momma's so ugly, it makes me wish birth control is retroactive! Yo' momma's so ugly, just after her birth, her mother saw the afterbirth and said, "Twins!" Yo' momma's so ugly, just after she was born, her mother said, "What a treasure," and her father said, "Yeah, let's go bury it!" Yo' momma's so ugly, peeping toms break into her house and CLOSE the blinds! Yo' momma's so ugly, people at the circus pay money NOT to see her! Yo' momma's so ugly, she can look up a camel's butt and scare its hump off! Yo' momma's so ugly, she could scare a hungry wolf off a meat truck! Yo' momma's so ugly, she dated Jabba the Hut and HE was the looker! Yo' momma's so ugly, she entered a dog show and won! Yo' momma's so ugly, she frightened away both the beauty and the beast! Yo' momma's so ugly, she gives Freddy Krueger nightmares! Yo' momma's so ugly, she had to wear two bags over her head in case one breaks! Yo' momma's so ugly, she has little round marks all over her body from people touching her with 10-foot poles! Yo' momma's so ugly, she has to get her vibrator drunk first! Yo' momma's so ugly, she has to trick-or-treat over the phone! Yo' momma's so ugly, she just got a job at the airport - sniffing for drugs! Yo' momma's so ugly, she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning! Yo' momma's so ugly, she looks like you! Yo' momma's so ugly, she makes *YOU* look good! Yo' momma's so ugly, she practices birth control by leaving the lights on! Yo' momma's so ugly, she scares people even with the lights out! Yo' momma's so ugly, she scares the roaches away! Yo' momma's so ugly, she strips wall paper from walls for a living! Yo' momma's so ugly, she turned Medusa to stone! Yo' momma's so ugly, she wasn't beaten with an ugly stick...the whole forest fell on her! Yo' momma's so ugly, she'd make a freight train take a dirt road! Yo' momma's so ugly, she'd scare the monster out of Loch Ness! Yo' momma's so ugly, she's like 7-UP...never had it, never will! Yo' momma's so ugly, she's like Taco Bell - when people see her, they run for the border! Yo' momma's so ugly, she's only had one successful job - being a scarecrow! Yo' momma's so ugly, she's the cover girl for iodine! Yo' momma's so ugly, she's was a three bagger: 1 for her head, 1 for yours in case hers fell off, and 1 by the door in case anyone walked in! Yo' momma's so ugly, the NHL banned her for life! Yo' momma's so ugly, the doctor is still smacking her ass! Yo' momma's so ugly, the kids call her Lassie and feed the b*tch biscuits! Yo' momma's so ugly, the last time I saw something that looked like her, I pinned a tail on it! Yo' momma's so ugly, the last time she heard a whistle was when she got hit by a train! Yo' momma's so ugly, the tide won't even take her out! Yo' momma's so ugly, they didn't make her wear a costume when she tried out for Star Wars! Yo' momma's so ugly, they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower! Yo' momma's so ugly, they pay her to put her clothes ON in strip joints! Yo' momma's so ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies! Yo' momma's so ugly, they put her face on box of Ex-Lax and sold it empty! Yo' momma's so ugly, they rub tree branches on her face to make ugly sticks! Yo' momma's so ugly, they threw her away and kept the afterbirth! Yo' momma's so ugly, two guys broke into her apt., she yelled "rape", and they yelled "NO!" Yo' momma's so ugly, we put her in the kennel when we go on vacation! Yo' momma's so ugly, when she gets up, the sun goes down! Yo' momma's so ugly, when she goes to the beach, the tide won't come in! Yo' momma's so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals!" Yo' momma's so ugly, when she looks in the mirror, the reflection ducks! Yo' momma's so ugly, when she passes by a bathroom, the toilet flushes! Yo' momma's so ugly, when she walked into a haunted house, she came out with a paycheck! Yo' momma's so ugly, when she walks down the street in September, people say, "It's Halloween already?!" Yo' momma's so ugly, when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras! Yo' momma's so ugly, when she was a baby, her parents had a little yellow sign in their car window that read, "THING ON BOARD"! Yo' momma's so ugly, when she was born the Doctor looked at her ass and her face and said: "My God, Siamese twins!" Yo' momma's so ugly, when she was born, GOD admitted that even HE could make a mistake! Yo' momma's so ugly, when she was born, the doctor didn't know which end to slap! Yo' momma's so ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped her mother! Yo' momma's so ugly, when she was born, the doctor smacked everyone! Yo' momma's so ugly, when she was born, the doctor took her and told her mother, "If this doesn't start to cry in ten seconds, it was a tumor!" Yo' momma's so ugly, when she was born, they tinted the windows of her incubator! Yo' momma's so ugly, when she was lying on the beach, the cat tried to bury her! Yo' momma's so ugly, when she went to Taco Bell, everyone ran for the border! Yo' momma's so ugly, when she went to jump in a lake, the lake jumped back! Yo' momma's so ugly, when they took her to the beautician, it took twelve hours...for a quote! Yo' momma's so ugly, when your dad wants to have sex in the car, he tells her to get out! Yo' momma's so ugly, yo' daddy takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye! Yo' momma's so ugly, yo' daddy tosses the ugly stick, and she fetches it every time! Yo' momma's so ugly, your dad's breath smells like sh*t because he would rather kiss her ass! Yo' momma's so weak, she had to fight the current in the bath tub! Yo' momma's so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on! Yo' momma's so wrinkled, you can find loose change in her skin! Yo' momma's such an alcoholic, in college, her major was Old English, room 800! Yo' momma's teeth are so bad, it looks like her father was Mr. Ed! Yo' momma's teeth are so black, when she spits, she seals driveways! Yo' momma's teeth are so rotten, when she smiles, they look like dice! Yo' momma's teeth are so yellow that when she used Aim, she missed! Yo' momma's teeth are so yellow, Dorothy and Toto thought it was the Yellow Brick Road! Yo' momma's teeth are so yellow, I can't believe it's not butter! Yo' momma's teeth are so yellow, crows fly down and pick at them like it was corn! Yo' momma's teeth are so yellow, she has to brush them with a butter knife! Yo' momma's teeth are so yellow, she's got more gold than Fort Knox! Yo' momma's teeth are so yellow, traffic slows down when she smiles! Yo' momma's teeth are so yellow, when she closes her mouth, her stomach lights up! Yo' momma's teeth are so yellow, when she drinks water, it turns into lemonade! Yo' momma's twice the man you are! Yo' momma's wave function is so chaotic, she's uncertain even after it collapses! Yo' momma, 'nuff said! You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work. You bring your dog to work with you. You burn your front yard rather than mow it. You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis. You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head. You can spit without opening your mouth. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it. You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt. You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it. You clean your nails with a stick. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading. You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve... You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school. You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one. You fainted when you met Slim Whitman. You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something. You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end." You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday. You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift. You go to a tupperware party for a haircut. You go to the family reunion to pick up women. You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice. You haul more than U-Haul. You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car. You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood. You have a face only a mother could love - and she hates it! You have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run). You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?) You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape. You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior. You have nothing to fear from my baser instincts; its my finer ones that tell me to kill you. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind". You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial. You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial. You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat. You list your parole officer as a reference. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right' You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow. You mow your lawn and find a car. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. You never strike out blindly; you fail in the light. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income. You own a homemade fur coat. You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap. You own at least 20 baseball hats. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest". You pick your teeth from a catalog. You prefer car keys to Q-tips. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland. You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in." You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year. You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by. You take a fishing pole to Sea World. You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth. You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy. You think a chain saw is a musical instrument. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup. You think cur is a breed of dog. You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport. You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time. You think the French Riviera is a foreign car. You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just"misunderstood". You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test. You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..." You think the stock market has a fence around it. You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard. You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house. You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month. You use your fishing license as a form of I.D. You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips. You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored. You were born because your mother didn't believe in abortion; now she believes in infanticide. You were born out of your mother's arse 'cos her cunt was too busy. You were shooting pool when your kids were born. You were the answer to a prayer. Your parents prayed that the world would be made to suffer and here you came along. You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car. You're a habit I'd like to kick; with both feet. You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light. You're acquitting yourself in such a way that no jury ever would. You're an expert on worm beds. You're just like a bus; 50 cents and you're ready to ride! You're just like a soda machiene. 50 cents for the next generation! You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You". You're so fat, when you go to an amusement park, people try to ride YOU! You're so fat, when you were in school you sat next to EVERYONE! You're so fat, when you were yellow shirts, helecopters try to land on you! You're so fat, you have to iron your pants in the driveway! You're so hairy, even big foot wants to get a picture of you! You're so poor, when you walk in the front door, you also walk out the back door! You're so stupid, when the weather man said it was chilly, you grabbed a spoon! You're so stupid, you got locked in a grocery store and starved! You're so stupid, you have to ask directions just to look behind you! You're so ugly, not even a mirror will look at you! You're the best at all you do - and all you do is make people hate you. You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap. You've ever been arrested for loitering. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog. You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. You've ever been too drunk to fish. You've ever bought a used cap. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor. You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course. You've ever financed a tattoo. You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun. You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately. You've ever hitchhiked naked, You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu. You've ever made change in the offering plate. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen. You've ever shot a deer from inside your house. You've ever shot anyone for looking at you. You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space. You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass. You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow. You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom. You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature. You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame. You've ever used a weedeater indoors. You've ever used lard in bed. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding. You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home. You've never been outspoken; no one has ever been able to. You've never paid for a haircut. You've totaled every car you've ever owned. Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included. Your Christmas tree is still up in February. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care. Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story) Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in. Your about as cool as the fruit loops I had for breakfast! Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped. Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard. Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers." Your back porch is bigger than your house. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds. Your best ashtray is a turtle shell. Your biggest ambition in live is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..." Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat". Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. Your brother-in-law is your uncle. Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine." Your car has never had a full tank of gas. Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded. Your coat-of-arms features kudzu. Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool. Your dad is also your favorite uncle. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging. Your family tree does not fork. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack. Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet. Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states. Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather. Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA. Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs. Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days. Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion. Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan. Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve. Your home has more miles on it than your car. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack. Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch. Your masseuse uses lard. Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house Your momma doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her a--. Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events. Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list. Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal. Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting. Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels. Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup. Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!" Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A. Your primary source of income is the pawn shop. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it. Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids. Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos". Your screen door has no screen. Your secret family recipe is illegal. Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener. Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray. Your wedding was held in the delivery room. Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive. Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!" Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock. Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator. Your wife's best shoes have steel toes. Your wife's hairdo attracts bees. Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest. Yours was an unnatural birth; you came from a human being. the only difference between your mother and a subway is not EVERYBODY has ridden a subway. when I see a christmas card that says "Ho-Ho-Ho!", I know to address it to your mom. you remind me of a toilet bowl - fat, round, and full of shit. you were jerking off in a plastic bag and somebody asked "What are you doing?" and you said: "Packing my lunch." your dad is like cement, it takes him two days to get hard! your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language. your mom has a pussy on her hip, so she can make money on the side! your mom is like a TV set, anyone can turn her on. your mom is like a gas station - eventually everyone gets a pump. your mom is like a hoover, turn her on and she sucks! your mom is like a racecar - she can burn four rubbers in one night! your mom is like a shotgun... one cock and she's ready to blow. your mom is like an elevator - if you push the right button she'll go down on you! your mom is so fat - she's got more chins than chinatown! your mom is so fat she ordered a double room for a singles weekend! your mom is so fat she's gotta sleep in a barn with the rest of the cows. your mom is so fat that cars run out of gas just trying to pass her ass! your mom is so fat that she had to get baptized at sea world your mom is so fat that she irons her clothes in the driveway! your mom is so fat that they use her underwear for bungee jumping! your mom is so fat that you gotta grease the tub to get her in the bath! your mom is so fat, she has to use a satellite dish for a diaphragm. your sister sucks so much dick she could sell her spit to a sperm bank!