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In this day and age of overcrowding, ballpark traitors, and local unemployment
The Group Opposed to Harboring Movers from the East (G.O. H.O.M.E.) has come up
With a few guidelines concerning our best interests in the name of civic pride.
The reason for these guidelines stems from our intense desire to rid ourselves o
YOU, YOUR attitudes, YOUR lifestyle, YOUR blatant anti-westernism, and YOUR
smelly new york black socks! You people move out here, live here two weeks, and
think you own the place.
G.O. H.O.M.E. hates:
YOUR 'I LOVE NEW YORK' stickers
Being in a traffic jams because YOU moved here.
Not being able to get a job because YOU already stole it.
YOUR insults about how much you hate L.A.
YOUR boo's of OUR sports teams at OUR ballparks
YOUR renaming of OUR places and things (long island ice tea,
Manhattan beach, New York cheesecake etc.)
And YOUR dirty, ugly, yellow license plates.
If you still insist on remaining here the following guidelines must be
strictly observed. These guidelines apply to anyone who moved to Southern
California from the east. The east is defined as those geographical locations
that have:
a) an unemployment rate greater than ten percent
b) snow on at least 52.7 percent of the ground between November 1 and May 1.
c) a ratio of people to steel mills less than 6000 to 1.
Exceptions: None (unless your my friend)
The Guidelines are divided into five areas:
I. General
II. Employment
III. Commerce
IV. Transportation
V. Residential
I. General
a) All easterners will be issued I.D. cards that must be carried with
them at all times. Armbands and matching tatoos will be worn at all times.
The armbands and tatoos will be color coded of the source state (e.g.
Pennsylvania-coal black, Idaho- potato head brown, New York-puke gutter
gray)
b) Alien Level Points (ALP) can be earned. These points are graduated
such that a higher accumulation results in higher alien status. Briefly,
there are four levels:
Level 1 Trash 0 - 1000
Level 2 Unwanted 1001 - 5000
Level 3 Alien 5001 - 10000
Level 4 Paroled over 10000
All easterners start out as Trash. A complete list of the methods for
point earning can be obtained in G.O. H.O.M.E. 's pamphlet entitled 'Why
Bother Reading This, Just Go Home'. Here are a few examples and values:
Burn a Yankee Cap 1 point
Shove a cigar in Red Aurbachs face 50 points
Provide the permanent exit of 1 easterner 100 points
II. Employment
a) Easterners with Paroled level may not occupy any employment position
associated with an income of more than $4.00 per hour.
b) Any level below that of Paroled will not be granted employment.
III. Commerce
a) Easterners will not be permitted to own or obtain stock in any
California franchise
b) Commercial depots are to be set up for the bartering of goods amongst
Easterners. Bread rations are available when all the native animals are
fed.
IV. Transportation
a) No easterner of any level will be permitted to use any freeways between
the hours of 6 to 9 am and 4 to 7 pm weekdays.
b) When the time is not during those above mentioned hours easterners must
travel in the far right lane, roll their windows all the way down and
tailgate:
i) a diesel automobile or RTD bus
ii) a vehicle that is burning massive quantities of oil.
V. Residential
a) Highrent housing is available right near the beach, underneath the
takeoff end of LAX.
b) More moderately priced reservations are available in a location halfway
between Barstow and Thermal (summer only). G.O. H.O.M.E. wants it to be
known that these are only guidelines. It remains perfectly legal, for
example, to pummel a Californians fist with an easterners face. These
situations come up every now and then.
Certain parts of our major cities are off limits to easterners. However,
Californians encourage easterners to visit our most prominent sites such as
Watts Heights and Barrio Hills. I'm sure we'll get along just fine.
C.O.1985
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