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DEEP THOUGHTS by Jack Handey
I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula
and Superman away.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
several of us died of tuberculosis.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself:
"Mankind." Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind."
What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't
just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that
man.
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him,
and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is
they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then,
when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite
and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny
plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like
ambition.
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors
came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a
good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger,
screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I
guess I'm a coward.
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture,
is the story of Popeye.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they
ever press charges.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography,
and the dancers hit each other.
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a
solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at
them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of
striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free.
To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's
throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've
wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to
the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was
very pleasurable-until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN
HEAD!!!
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been
painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a
child look like a deer.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We
might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head
out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes
people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm
myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell.
When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on
the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with
a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm
done.
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets
right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep
the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe
you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey,
free dummy.
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet
you can really see it in those genitals.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's
neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because
what is that thing?
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he
made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told
the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven-with a gun."
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I
remember we'd all pile into the car-I forget what kind it was-and drive and
drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees
there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever
sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat
some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never
leave you.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is
"God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to
tell him is "probably because of something you did."
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is
not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an
elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Martha said
it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in
her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a
joke-just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my
little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out
warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and
cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I
started to drive over the the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flipper, which one would you think
liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong,
though. It's Hambone.
Laurie got offended because I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what
her dinner tasted like.
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we
wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with a whore he
picked up in town.
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to
town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I
thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and
how I named him Flint.
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell
on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends
are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
swimming.
When I was a kid, my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school
we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of
us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're
sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.
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