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MANIFESTO OF THE HOLY PROPHETS OF HOLLY FARMS WRITTEN IN A SPONTANEOUS BURST OF JOY BY CLOROX ALBATROSS Hail Unenlightened One! Do you not see the folly in your disturbed ways? Do you not brush your teeth regularly? It is time to throw off the Old, to enter the New, to drool in the face of the Middle Aged and the Middle Ages, both of whom see their nights and knights through the oppression of a feudal system. It is I who write this. It is I who understand. It is I who will be responsible for the many errors of this document, errors I am too lazy to correct. I am Clorox Albatross. I have seen the strobe light. I was entranced by the joyful singing and dancing and stumbling of the two Prophets, Hrisna Holly and Jana, Jewel of Joy! They told me of the Truth. Of what is Right, what is Wrong, what is Purple! They were Gypsies of the Word! They said (Listen!)...BONELESS CHICKEN!!! It is the Boneless Chicken, not the Rubber Chicken, that is most sacred! Praise be to the Boneless Chicken! There are men in Long coats. Long. And they have Mustard. Mustard. I know. I. It is the Food Lion who provides this bounty of Mustard and Long and I! It is Food Lion Mustard that is delicious with Boneless Chicken! Hear his roar and rejoice! And I ask of you, Pardon me, do you have any Food Lion Mustard, and you say, No, only Grey Poupon, and I say Sinner!, do you not fear the Grey, do you not loathe the Grey, do you not feel that this, this run-on sentence, this blemish of grammer, this bane of the Harbrace (Praise the Harbrace!) is not the True Word? Do you fear the Holly Farms? Praise be to Hrisna Holly, Beholder (Oh, Beholder!) of Holly Farms! Praise be to Jana, Jewel of Joy, Keeper (Oh, Keeper!) of the highly Flexable, non-toxic Play-Doh of the Shopping Center! We may rejoice in our Septic Tanks! For it is in the Septic Tanks that the Septic is held in the Tanks! Ah, do you not feel the light? Feel the light! Solar Tactile Senses for all! And there is more...much more...much in the moor of the Septic Tanks...much!much!much!!! For we have yet to talk of many things. We must know of the Numbers. There are two, both of equal importance, both beacons of the Light! First there is the Answer, the Answer that comes before the Question. 42! Rejoice and know the Answer always! The second is the Number of Forbidden Secrets, the Number 69! These two numbers are of upmost importance, for these number represent the multiverse in simple, short, mathmatical notation! We are not worthy!...We are not worthy!...We are not worthy! This pair, as other pairs...Ren and Stimpy, Flksadjf and Zlskdfjjw, GleG and PleP...These are to be known by all! Spread The Word my Children! Spread to all The Word of the Boneless Chicken! Praise Be! For the Word is Free, as was told by Vince Bly! We must all follow the Light. For the Light leads us to the Way which leads to the Light which is connected by Celery. And the Way is the Light is the Truth is the Beauty is the Way to what is the Light! Praise be to the Light! And the Light is gleeming Light of one of the minor possessions of Those who follow Light and the Boneless Chicken! A mere 14 gold plated Rolls Royces! Ah! we can look upon the simple pleasures of owning a llama and feeding him/her/it llama treats! We must know our strengh! We have those who also follow our word! There are those of the Lizard who will protect us with their scales! There are those who follow Mario who give praise to the power of 16-Bit! Who give us the Prayer Line at 1-800-255-3700! We must look at many things. Robotech, Arby's Regular Roast Beef Sandwichs, Keener 5-0...the list is endless! Ah, welcome eternity! Welcome it with open arms and pseudopods! But beware...Cthulhu may lurk amongst us! No! We will fight it with the razor tips of our halberds! We will shoot at it verily with our Laser Tag and our Photon playsets! And our enemies shall lay slain on the Monopoly board, the Illuminati disrupted! We see through the Acid Glasses (Praise be to the Acid Glasses!) Life as it really is and isn't and might be and might not be! The chains of Copy Protection shall be thrown off and we will see the Day of Shareware! And it was said, "GROW MORE POT!" And we listened. And we heard. We must remember Rob, the Mistrel who, with the help of Wild August, brought the Music and Soul and Sonic Blasters into our lives. The Minstrel shall spread the Word! And there is more. We have beacons for our Word! Monty Python, Dr. Who, Ren and Stimpy, Robotech, Battlestar Galactica, and the most importent of all, The Rocky Horror Picture Show! Praise be! Verily, it is through these mediums that others shall know of the Boneless Chicken. PRAISE BE TO THE BONELESS CHICKEN!!! How much longer can the oppressed masses endure the pain of chicken with the evil bones? Not much longer say I! I who write this. I who scribble this down, even though it is very hard to scribble while typing though I am still willing to try for I am Liberal as far as such matters are concerned as well as other matters with which many are concerned, I scribbled yet upon this Text of the Word. For we now see our enemy, for we now know what is the tyrant that opposes Progress! It is the ruler of Scientology (Death to Scientology!) and the creator of such plagues upon our society such as honey buns that are made with fake bees, not real bees and biscuits that are VERY dry. Listen to what I say! Don't eat the Green Ones! It is the Green Ones that are our enemies! With their photosynthesis they force oxygen upon use. Over come your Oxygen Dependency! Breath Methane and be Free! We must embrace the past for the Green Ones control the future. What is in the future? The moon, which is made of Green Cheese! The Green Ones have invaded the cheese of the moon, making it taste awful with Boneless Chicken and Mustard! Don't use Cheese with sandwiches...Use instead the holy mixture of meats that Monty gave to us...SPAM! It is through Spam that we shall over come the terrors of the future! The Little Green Men from Mars will invade! They are in the future of the Green Ones! The Green Ones have started the Greenhouse Effect! We must stop this! We must organize ourselves! First, there is at the very head of the organization the Altairs! They shall lead and be prophets of the Boneless Chicken! Next come the high priests of our organization, the Sols! Then are the minor officials who enjoy drowning in the reams of information in the realms of Bureaucracy, those who shall be known as the TRS-80s! Finally, come the loyal servents who are too incompetent to be part of the Bureaucracy, those who shall be known as the Pets! Through Assembly Language we will JMP forth and be assembled at the assylum! Remember the lamp posts! The gate to Narnia throught the Wardrobe, the Gaslights of Victoria, the Lighthouses of our clean, clean city streets! These are all importent! At last it is Time. Time to journey forth and spread the Light! Time to control the temporal with the help of the good Doctor. Time for me to stop typing. But, Lover of Boneless Chicken and Septic Tanks and Celery, this is not the end! Nay, this is but the first Discourse, and there shall be others, and there shall be a television mini-series (Praise Be!) comming soon on pay-per-view. Escape from the conformity of being a carbon based lifeform! Verily, for Jana and Holly and Rob, this is dedicated. Then we shall all enter into the jacuzzi. Thus endeth the lesson. I have returened My work has been burned But I really care not That my work is used for people to deposit their snot Boneless Chicken, Septic Tanks, Food Lion Mustard... I talked about all of these Most Important Topics (MIT's) in my Manifesto (Available at WaldenBooks!) My work has inspired Elvis and made him a Convert, but only if he can live in a Convent. We are working on it. We want a Condo Convent. But with NO Condo Commando's. Rob the Minstrel told me of Ralph. I have been Inspired again! I will now write this epic. As always, this is dedicated to: Hrishna Holly Jana, Jewel of Joy Rob the Minstrel AND, New for '92! Elvis