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The Night Before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all thru the shed,
All creatures were stirring, even Old Ed.
The Bodies were hung from the rafters above,
While Eddie was searching for another new love.
He went to Wautoma for a Plainfield deal,
Looking for love and also a meal.
When what to his hungry eyes should appear,
But old Mary Hogan in her new red brassiere.
Her eyes how the twinkled, ever so gay
And her dimples, oh how merry were they.
Her cheeks were like roses when kissed by the sun,
And she let out a scream at the sight of Ed's gun.
Old Ed pulled the trigger and Mary fell dead,
He took his old axe and cut off her head.
He then took his hacksaw and cut her in two,
One-half for hamburger, the other for stew.
And laying a hand aside of her heel,
Up to the rafters went his next meal.
He sprang to his truck to the graveyard he flew,
The hours were short and much work he must do.
He looked for the grave where the fattest one laid,
and started in digging with shovel and spade.
He shoveled, and shoveled and shoveled some more,
'Till finally he reached the old coffin door.
He took out his crowbar and pryed open the box,
He was not only clever, but sly as a fox.
As he picked up the body and cut off her head,
He could tell by the smell that the old girl was dead.
He filled in the grave by the moonlight above,
And once more Old Ed had found a new love.
He let out a yell as he drove out of sight,
If I don't get caught, I'll be back tomorrow night.
T H E N I G H T B E F O R E C H R I S T M A S
---------------------------------------------------
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Were empties and butts left around by some louse.
And the best quart I hid by the chimney with care,
Had been swiped by some bum who'd found it there.
My guests had long since been poured in their beds
To wake in the morning with God - awful heads.
My wife too was cold with her chin in her lap
And me - I was dying for one more nightcap.
When out from the lawn there came such a smell
I sprang to my feet to see what the hell-
Away to the window I tore like a flash
Fell over the table - broke a chair with a crash.
The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow
Made me think of the coal bill and all that I owe.
And what to my wondering eyes should show up-
But eight bloated reindeer - hitched to a beer truck.
With a little old driver who looked like a hick
I saw it was Santa - as tight as a tick.
Like General Grants Tanks - those reindeer they came
And he hiccoughed and belched as he called them by name.
On Schenley - On Seagram, we ain't got all night
You too Haig and Haig - and you Black and White.
Scram up on the roof get the hell off this wall,
Get going you dummies - we've got a long haul.
So up the roof went reindeer and truck
But a tree branch hit Santa before he could duck
And then, in a twinkling I heard from above
A hell of a noise that was no cooing dove.
And I pulled in my head and cocked a sharp ear
Down the chimney he came right smack on his rear.
He was dressed in furs - with no cuffs on his pants
And the way the guy squirmed - I guess he had ants.
His droll little mouth made him look a bit wacky
And the beard on his chin was stained with tobaccy.
He had pints and quarts in the sack on his back
And a breath that would blow a train off the track.
He was chubby and plump and he tried to stand right
But he didn't fool me - he was high as a kite.
He spoke not a word but went straight to his work
And missed half the stocking -- the plastered old jerk!
Then putting five fingers to the end of his nose--
He gave me the bird - and up the chimney he rose.
He sprang for his truck at so fast a pace
He fell over his feet and slid on his face.
But I heard him burp back as he passed out of sight --
Merry Christmas you rum-dumms -- Now really get tight!
THE 1981 NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
'Twas the night before Christmas, and one thing was clear-
That old yuletide spirit no longer was here;
Inflation was rising; the crime rate was trippling;
The fuel bills were up, and our mortgage was crippling;
I opened a beer as I watched the TV,
Where Donny sang "O Holy Night" to Marie;
The kids were in bed, getting sleep like they should;
Or else they were stoned, which was almost as good.
While ma with her ball-point pen was making a fuss
'Bout folks we'd send cards to who'd sent none to us;
"Those ingrates," she thundered, and pounded her fist;
"Next year you can bet they'll be crossed off our list!"
When out in the yard came a deafening blare;
'Twas our burglar alarm, and I hollered,"Who's there?"
I turned on the searchlight, which lit up the night,
And, armed with my handgun, beheld a strange sight.
Some red-suited clown with a white beard immense
Was caught in our eight-foot electrified fence;
He called out, "I'm Santa! I bring you no malice!"
Said I, "If you're Santa, I'm Telly Savalas!"
But, lo, as his presence grew clearer to me,
I saw in the glare that it just might be he!
I called off our doberman clawing at his sleigh
And, frisking him twice, said, "I think he's okay."
I led him inside where he slumped in a chair,
And he poured out the following tale of despair;
"On Christmas eves past I was jolly and chuckling,
But now 'neath the pressures, I fear I am buckling."
"You'll note I've arrived with no reindeer this year,
And without them, my sleigh is much harder to steer;
Although I would like to continue to use them,
The wild life officials believe I abuse them."
"To add to my problem, Ralph Nader dropped by
And told me my sleigh was unsafe in the sky;
I now must wear seatbelts, despite my objections,
And bring in the sleigh twice a year for inspections."
"Last April my workers came forth with demands,
And I soon had a general strike on my hands;
I couldn't afford to pay unionized elves,
So the missus and I did the work by ourselves."
"And then, later on, came additional trouble-
An avalanche left my fine workshop in rubble;
My Allstate insurance was worthless, because
They had shrewdly slipped in a 'no avalanche' clause"
"And after that came an I.R.S audit;
The government claimed I was out to defraud it;
They finally nailed me for 65 grand,
Which I paid through the sale of my house and my land."
"And yet I persist, though it gives me a scare
Flying blind through the blanket of smog in the air;
Not to mention the hunters who fill me with dread,
Taking shots at my sleigh as I pass overhead."
"My torn-up red suit, and these bruises and swellings,
I got fighting muggers in multiple dwellings.
And if you should ask why I'm glowing tonight,
It's from flying too close to a nuclear site."
He rose from his chair and he heaved a great sigh,
And I couldn't help notice a tear in his eye;
"I've tried," he declared, "to reverse each defeat,
But I fear that today I've become obsolete."
He slumped out the door and returned to his sleigh,
And these last words he spoke as he went on his way;
"No longer can I do the job that's required;
If anyone asks, just say,'Santa's retired!'"
Rewritten without permission of course.
A Final Visit From Saint Nicholas
'Twas the night before Christmas and one thing was clear--
that old Yuletide spirit no longer was here
inflation was rising; the crime rate was tripling;
the fuel bills were up, and our mortgage was crippling;
I opened a beer as I watched TV,
where Donny sang "O Holy Night" to Marie;
the kids were in bed, getting sleep like they should;
or else they were stoned, which was almost as good.
While Ma with her ball-point was making a fuss
'bout folks we'd send cards to who'd sent none to us;
"those ingrates," she thundered, and pounded her fist;
"Next year you can bet they'll be crossed off our list!"
When out in the yard came a deafening blare;
'twas our burgler alarm, and I hollered, "Who's there?"
I turned on the searchlight, which lit up the night,
and, armed with my handgun, beheld a strange sight.
Some red-suited clown with a white beard immense
was caught in our eight foot electrified fence;
he called out, "I'm Santa! I bring you no malice!"
Said I, "if you're Santa, I'm Telly Savalas!"
But, lo, as his pressence grew clear to me,
I saw in the glare that it just might be he!
I called off our doberman clawing his sleigh
and, frisking him twice, said, "I think he's ok."
I led him inside where he slumped in a chair,
and he poured out the following tale of dispair;
"On Christmas eves past I was jolly and chuckling,
but now 'neath the pressures, I fear I am buckling."
"You'll note I've arrived with no reindeer this year,
and without them, my sleigh is much harder to steer;
although I would like to continue to use them,
the wildlife officials believe I abuse them."
"To add to my problem, Ralph Nader dropped by
and told me my sleigh was unsafe in the sky;
I now must wear seatbelts, despite my objections,
and bring in the sleigh twice a year for inspections."
"Last April my workers came forth with demands,
and I soon had a general strike on my hands;
I couldn't afford to pay unionized elves,
so the missus and I did the work ourselves."
"And then, later on, came additional trouble--
an avalanche left my fine workshop in rubble;
my Allstate insurance was worthless, because
they had shrewdly slipped in a 'no avalanche' clause."
"And after that came an I.R.S audit;
the government claimed I was out to defraud it;
they finally nailed me for 65 grand,
which I paid through the sale of my house and my land."
"And yet I persist, though it gives me a scare
flying blind through the blanket of smog in the air;
not to mention the hunters who fill me with dread,
taking shots at my sleigh as I pass overhead."
"My torn-up red suit, and these bruises and swellings,
I got fighting muggers in multiple dwellings.
And if you should ask why I'm glowing tonight,
it's from flying too close to a nuclear site."
He rose from his chair and he heaved a great sigh,
and I couldn't help notice a tear in his eye;
"I've tried," he declared, "to reverse each defeat,
but I fear that today I've become obsolete."
He slumped out the door and returned to his sleigh,
and these last words he spoke as he went on his way;
"no longer can I do the job that's required;
if anyone asks, just say, 'Santa's retired!'".
--------------------------------------------------------
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me:
Twelve blown-out circuits,
Eleven damaged diskettes,
Ten disk-drive lockouts,
Nine burnt-out fuses,
Eight worthless printouts,
Seven system resets,
Six I/O spasms,
Five blank cassettes,
Four garbled SAVEs,
Three loose plugs,
Two keyboard bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.
--