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Modern American Guide to National Holidays
Holiday: Hangover Day
Date: January 1st
Purpose: This day is used by many to recover from hangovers that
were acquired as a result of excessive partying the
night before.
Holiday: Savings Extravaganza Day
Date: Third Monday of February
Purpose: This day is used by merchants across the land to put
everything they have in stock on sale. I think the
merchants are just longing for the booming pre-Presents
Day season when they have these sales in February.
Holiday: Gardening Day
Date: Fourth Monday of May
Purpose: On this day, millions of surburbanites flock to their
local garden centers to purchase plants to make their
yards more cheery. In northern climes, it is also know
as Tomato Transplanting Day, as there is little chance
of frost damage after this date.
Holiday: Fireworks Day
Date: July 4th
Purpose: Fireworks fill the skies on this day as neighbors
alienate each other by setting off firecrackers and
shooting bottle rockets back and forth. Extra
friendship points are acquired by continuing the
barrage after midnight.
Holiday: Kiss Summer Goodbye Day
Date: First Monday after the first Sunday of September
Purpose: Millions of city dwellers flock to the country to enjoy
one last weekend of fun-in-the-sun before cruel winter
arrives.
Holiday: Turkey Day
Date: Fourth Thursday of November
Purpose: Forcing massive quantities of food (especially turkey)
into your stomach is the theme for this day. Many males
and some females waste the afternoon away by watching
football --- if they can stay awake with all that food in
their bellies.
Holiday: Mall Day
Date: Friday after Turkey Day
Purpose: Malls are overflowing with zillions of shoppers who have
nothing else to do on this usually miserable day in late
fall. This day marks the first day of the pre-Presents
Day shopping spree. Merchants have been trying to get
this day moved to sometime in October, but they have had
little luck in doing so despite the fact that they put
up Presents Day decorations earlier each year.
Holiday: Presents Day
Date: December 25th
Purpose: This day is the hands-down favorite of kids across the
land. It usually starts at about 5:00 AM if children
live in the house. Kids tear into huge mounds of
presents the have been lying underneath a gaudily
decorated evergreen tree as soon as they can convince
their tired parents to get up. The house is usually
totally trashed by tons of gift wrapping by 8:00. Most
of the cheaply built toys the children just had to have
are no longer in working condition after sundown.
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