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From TVXN53C@prodigy.com Sat Mar 30 16:02:02 1996 Received: from pimaia2y.prodigy.com by mail.crl.com with SMTP id AA00541 (5.65c/IDA-1.5 for <jawells@crl.com>); Sat, 30 Mar 1996 16:02:01 -0800 Received: from mailout3.prodigy.com ([199.4.137.97]) by pimaia2y.prodigy.com (8.6.10/8.6.9) with SMTP id TAA48214 for <jawells@crl.com>; Sat, 30 Mar 1996 19:05:04 -0500 Date: Sat, 30 Mar 1996 19:03:00 EST From: TVXN53C@prodigy.com (MISS LUCY ROCHETTI) X-Mailer: PRODIGY Services Company Internet mailer [PIM 3.2-086.45] Message-Id: <097.04801225.TVXN53C@prodigy.com> To: jawells@crl.com Subject: Fwd: FOOTBALL Status: RO X-Status: Jason, one of my friends sent me this little piece about the game of football and I thought it would be neat to have some fun with it. For some reason as I read it, it totally reminded me of Jessica Roberts. Maybe we ought to put that in the PUB next year. Enjoy!! Lucy << Start of Forwarded message via prodigy (R) mail >> From: (GZXT34A) SUSAN WACHOWSKI Subject: Fwd: FOOTBALL Date: 03/27 Time: 10:00 PM -- [ From: Susan Wachowski * EMC.Ver #2.10P ] -- Expanded recipient data: To: Kim \ MCI Mail: (586-6591) To: ANYA \ Internet: (aplotkin@tasis.com) To: ALICIA \ Internet: (nanna41@oneonta.edu) ------- FORWARD, Original message follows ------- > Date: Tuesday, 26-Mar-96 03:33 PM > > From: GABBY \ PRODIGY: (KXGZ07A) > To: Sarah Fouts \ PRODIGY: (TGBX45C) > To: Susan Wachowski \ PRODIGY: (GZXT34A) > To: TRISHANN \ PRODIGY: (GNJJ24C) > > Subject: Fwd: FOOTBALL > > this is actually pretty creative. > =) > > > << Start of Forwarded message via prodigy (R) mail >> > > From: RSAbdullah@aol.com > Subject: Fwd: FOOTBALL > Date: 03/26 > Time: 12:51 PM > > Date: Sun, 24 Mar 1996 23:51:21 -0500 > From: RSAbdullah@aol.com [RSAbdullah@aol.com] > Subject: Fwd: FOOTBALL > > --------------------- > Forwarded message: > From: caesar@connect.net (Ceez) > To: hoque66@wharton.upenn.edu (Abeer), syzygy@eng.umd.edu (Amin > Eggdude), > usi@haven.ios.com (Asif Ahmed), fahmed@usc.edu (Famin), > fhussain@lib.law.du.edu (Farheen), L0A7924@VMS2.tamu.edu (Leana > Ahmed), > lisa@ssl.umd.edu (Lisa Hossaini), mchowdhu@acs.ucalgary.ca (Meena > Chowdhury), > saminac@hp-mpg.an.hp.com (Mita Choudhury), mukitbyf@aol.com (Mukit > Nana), > mchoudhury@novatel.ca (Mushtaq), MSBS.NEUSUFZA@capital.ge.com (Nurul > Eusufzai), Rkabdullah@aol.com (Rash), gra5036@msu.oscs.montana.edu > (Rashed), > RSAbdullah@aol.com (Russell), KXQM@MARISTB.MARIST.EDU (Russell > Abdullah), > Syani3@aol.com (Sania Hasnath), s_hanna@alcor.concordia.ca (Shahed), > sufiya@cs.mcgill.ca (Shampa), hussain@bsc.eds.com (Shanta Hussain), > sharmin@tiac.net (Sharmin Hakim), shoork@sas.upenn.edu (Shoor), > haque@ee.mcgill.ca (Shumon), bw37@musicb.mcgill.ca (Shyla), sy@wrs. > com (Si), > pan@acs.bu.edu (Suez Canal), suzan_a@alcor.concordia.ca (Suzana Jhumi > Alam), > khanm@utdallas.edu (Tariq), saiful@eniac.seas.upenn.edu (Utshob), > Zannat.reza@utoronto.ca (Zannat Reza), xcalibur@ritz.mordor.com > (Arthur), > kasperc@stm.com (Chris Kasper), edwards@stm.com (Dave Edwards), > drekmann@stm.com (Dennis Drekmann), larsonk@stm.com (Kim Larson), > sewell@stm.com (Lance), 295574@xavier.xu.edu (Paul), patelp@stm. com > (Pushman), richardw@stm.com (Richard Wiltshire), smpatel@lobby.ti. > com > (Sawrin), BOGGESS@xavier.xu.edu (Sean), early@mscd.edu (Steve Early), > > zmehta@post.cis.smu.edu (Zubeman) > Date: 96-03-22 01:52:19 EST > > > Do you remember junior high and High school? Do you remember talking > about 'the bases' with your friends?...Well forget em!! This is > *FOOTBALL* > With the all new standardized guide to football, you can forget any > of the > previous complications of having to remember the difference between > second > and third base and all that other shit. And you wonder why there is > a > strike in baseball and not football. Quite simply, baseball is a > boring, > confusing and often ambiguous game, especially when trying to > compare it > to sexual experiences. Whereas Football was invented for the soul > purpose > of understanding where you and your friends are at. Basically the > game of > football is one big sex metaphor. No one has discovered this yet, but > as > you will soon see, the complications of modern romance are easily > solved > using The Original Handbook Of Football. > > _____________________________________________________________________ > _____ > > WHERE YOU ARE ON THE PLAYING FEILD (if your not on the feild, get on) > > your 10 yard line ............. holding hands > > your 20 yard line ............. hugging > > your 30 yard line ............. kiss on the cheek > > your 40 yard line ............. kiss on the lips > > MIDFEILD ............. toungue kissing(your in serious > territory) > > his/her 40 yard line ............. shirt and bra off > > his/her 30 yard line ............. all clothes off > > his/her 20 yard line ............. ORAL SEX (getting or giving) > > 1ST AND GOAL ............. put on the condom > > GOAL LINE ............. TOUCHDOWN (SEXUAL INTERCOURSE) > > > NOW THAT YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE ON THE FEILD HERE ARE SOME IMPORTANT > DEFINITIONS TO HELP YOU EXPLAIN HOW YOU GOT THERE. > > kickoff...................making the first move (asking for a date) > kicking it deep...........Asking out a virgin (you'll be starting out > deep > in your own end) > on-side kick..............Asking out a slut (starting near midfeild, On > side kicks are good if they work but are > risky) > kick return...............How far you get on the first date > > NOW THAT YOU'VE ASKED HER OUT AND WENT ON THE FIRST DATE THE KICKOFF IS > OVER AND THE RELATIONSHIP BEGINS, HERE'S SOME MORE DEFINITIONS FOR YOU. > > Downs.....................An attempt to get more yards(get further with > her, Here in Canada you get two downs and > then > you best kick it. ask out a new girl cause you > ain't getting further with this one. Americans > are more patient, they get three downs before > they should kick again. > Running the Ball..........Taking it one yard at a time. > Passing Play..............Skipping stages > > OH OH > > Fumble....................Impotence > Fumble Recovery...........Regain erection > Interception..............Homosexuality (YOUR GOING THE OTHER WAY!!) > > OTHER DEFINITIONS > > Turnover..................Anal sex > Field Goal................One of you orgasm, 3pts (Field goal range > begins > around their 30, when the clothes are > off!) > Touchdown.................Mutual orgasm, 6pts > Extra Point...............The smoke afterwards > Two Point Conversion......Smoke and a Phone number > High Scoring Game.........Multiple Orgasms > Rain Delay................Parents/Roommate comes home > Pile Up...................ORGY > Missed Feild Goal.........Wide right,Wide left or even worse, to short! > 3RD down and inches.......Call for a measurement (Move those Yardsticks) > > > THE OFFENSE > > Quarterback...............The most important position, the missionary > Quarterback Sneak.........Unusual positions > Center(HUPPER)............Doggie Style > Running Back..............A hand-off > Tight End.................Self Explanatory > Wide Receiver.............Opposite of Tight End > Nose Tackle...............(Use Your Imagination) > > > DEFENSE (Becoming more and more important these days) > > Defensive Line............Condom > Break in the defence......Condom breaks > The Safety................The Pill (just to be safe) > A Blitz...................A "Quickie" > > > PENALTIES > > Roughing..................S & M > Holding...................Handcuffs or Restraints > Offside...................Premature Ejaculation > > THE BOWLS > > Rose Bowl.................Romantic sex (MAKING LOVE) > Citrus Bowl...............Healthy or Safe Sex > Peach Bowl................Juicy/Wet Sex > Fiesta Bowl...............Sex in South America > Superbowl.................Marriage (The Big Dance) > > > SO NOW THAT YOU KNOW THE FIELD AND ALL THE DEFINITIONS YOU CAN SEE HOW > TO > USE THEM, HERE ARE SOME EXAMPLES OF HOW USEFULL THE ORIGINAL HANDBOOK OF > FOOTBALL REALLY IS. > > 1. There was an on-side kick to what I thought was a wide receiver but > it turned out to be a tight end so there was a turnover. > > 2. Their was a deep kickoff with no return. I ran the ball to mid- field > but > then decided to go to the passing game. The passing play didn't work > because of a fumble. On the next down a running back took it to their > 10 > yard line. With 1ST and goal, the action moved from the Hupper to the > Quarterback who did a Quarter back sneak. The game turned out to be > the > highest scoring Fiesta Bowl ever!!! > > 3. I was Roughed in the massive pileup. > > 4. It was third down and inches on the 20 Yard line but on the field > goal > attempt I was short. > > > I HOPE YOU HAVE ENJOYED OUR JOURNEY THROUGH THE ORIGINAL HANDBOOK OF > FOOTBALL AND YOU HAVE NOT ONLY HAD A CHUCKLE BUT WILL PASS IT ON TO AS > MANY PEOPLE AS YOU KNOW SO THAT ONE DAY THE ORIGINAL HANDBOOK OF > FOOTBALL WILL REPLACE THE OLD, OUTDATED, INEFFICIENT, NO LONGER FUNNY > STANDARDIZED GUIDE TO THE BASES. > > > -+*&%$%&*+-+*&%$%&*+-+*&%$%&*+-+*&%$%&*+-+*&%$%&*+-+*&%$%&*+- > +*&%$%&*+- > > Caesar Abedin Love remains a secret when spoken > caesar@connect.net for only a lover truly knows that > http://www.connect.net/caesar he is loved. - R. Tagore > > Sex is just a sublimation of the math urge. > > 03/22/96 > > > -------- Original message header follows -------- > From @VM.MARIST.EDU:KXQT@MARISTB.MARIST.EDU Mon Mar 25 12:51:55 1996 > [PIM 3.2-030.47] > Received: from VM.MARIST.EDU (vm.marist.edu [148.100.1.2]) by > pimaia1w.prodigy.com (8.6.10/8.6.9) with SMTP id MAA57110 for > <gabbys_mailbox@PRODIGY.COM>; Tue, 26 Mar 1996 12:49:04 -0500 Received: > from VM.MARIST.EDU by VM.MARIST.EDU (IBM VM SMTP V2R3) > with BSMTP id 9102; Tue, 26 Mar 96 12:45:49 EST > Received: from MARISTB.MARIST.EDU (NJE origin MUSICB@MARIST) by VM. > MARIST.EDU (LMail V1.2a/1.8a) with BSMTP id 4604; Tue, 26 Mar 1996 > 12:45:49 -0500 > Resent-Message-Id: <26MAR96.13773091.0110.MUSIC@MARISTB.MARIST. EDU> > Resent-Date: Tue, 26 Mar 1996 12:45:10 EST > Resent-From: "Laufer, Rebecca R." <KXQT@MARISTB.MARIST.EDU> > Resent-To: <gabbys_mailbox@PRODIGY.COM> > X-Mailer: MUSIC/SP V4.1.0 > Received: by MARISTB.MARIST.EDU (MUSIC Mailer V4.1.0); Sun, 24 Mar 96 > 23:48:21 > EST > Received: from MARIST (NJE origin SMTP@MARIST) by VM.MARIST.EDU (LMail > V1.2a/1.8a) with BSMTP id 5251; Sun, 24 Mar 1996 23:48:22 -0500 > Received: from mail06.mail.aol.com by VM.MARIST.EDU (IBM VM SMTP > V2R3) with TCP; > Sun, 24 Mar 96 23:48:20 EST > Received: by mail06.mail.aol.com (8.6.12/8.6.12) id XAA17256; Sun, > 24 Mar 1996 23:51:21 -0500 > Date: Sun, 24 Mar 1996 23:51:21 -0500 > From: RSAbdullah@aol.com > Message-ID: <960324235117_177000949@mail06> > To: AlKtraZ@aol.com, PsnChckn@aol.com, sgg6994@siena.edu, > sbjones@acsu.buffalo.edu, jc99@uno.cc.geneseo.edu, > smb0585@siena.edu, > JD307@MARISTB.MARIST.EDU, KXQS@MARISTB.MARIST.EDU, > KXQT@MARISTB.MARIST.EDU, KXQQ@MARISTB.MARIST.EDU, brie4@mhv. net, > KXQV@MARISTB.MARIST.EDU, KXQP@MARISTB.MARIST.EDU, > DanJohnM@aol.com > Subject: Fwd: FOOTBALL > > -------------- End of message --------------- > > > > << End of Forwarded message >> ------- FORWARD, End of original message ------- << End of Forwarded message >>