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Life Sucks II: The Rantings of a Madman
By: Robert Seace (Agrajag/AJ)
Published by: Rlunatic/J.hayden pro-ductions
Yes, folks, this is the long awaited sequel to my first book: "Life
Sucks: AJ's Philosophies and Ramblings". In that book, I outlined my basic
attitude towards life, and various aspects of it. In this book, I pick out
a few of the things in life which I think are highest on the suckiness
scale, as well as my own unique (or, is the word I want "insane"?)
solutions to make them somewhat less sucky. And, since I'm really just
making this stuff up on the fly, who knows what other strange stuff I'll
come up with...
Death and Taxes
---------------
Yes, these are the only two things we can count on in life. And, of
course, they both suck. Death's suckiness is rather obvious to most, and
is covered quite well in my first book. And, unfortunately, not even I can
come up with a viable solution to this one. Aside from not actually
beginning life in the first place, of course; but, that is rather difficult
for one (or even TWO) to prevent happening to themselves...
However, taxes are a new topic for me. Their suckiness, again, is
obvious to most. Though, believe it or not, SOME people actually think
taxes are necessary, and actually SUPPORT them! But, that isn't all that
surprising, knowing that humans all suck, anyway, and are, on the whole, a
quite strange lot of beings... But, it seems to me to be a VERY sucky
practice for the government to take a large chunk of our hard-earned money
away from us. They want us all to work hard, so that we don't have to go
on welfare or something, and take THEIR money, but when we do, they come in
and take OUR money. The greedy little bastards... I say let the
government earn its money like all other charities and such: with Bingo
games, rummage sales, food drives, bake sales, raffles, and other similar
things. They already have control over one of the most profitable
industries in the country: the sale of alcohol. (Yes, I know that is the
STATE government, but government is government, as far as I'm concerned.)
Plus, they also already run some of the only legal gambling in some states:
lotteries. So, they shouldn't really be stealing OUR hard-earned money,
too. If the money they make on the above-mentioned enterprises is not
enough for their needs, they can always invest it in the stock market or
something. Of course, if the idiots stopped buying $100 hammers and
spending millions researching such 'important' things as the consistency of
catsup, they might save enough so that they wouldn't NEED our money...
I wouldn't be complaining so much if the tax system were actually
fair, but it isn't. As the great George Carlin once said: "The rich make a
LOT of money, and pay NONE of the taxes; the middle class makes a LITTLE
bit of money, and pays ALL of the taxes; and, the poor are just there to
scare the shit out the middle class, and keep them going to those jobs."
And, unfortunately, this is all too true. If they HAVE to tax us, at least
tax fairly, and make the ones who can afford to pay the taxes actually be
the ones paying them. I mean it isn't going to be too much of an
inconvenience to a person with $400,000,000 to pay in say $200,000,000 in
taxes (maybe they won't be able to buy that fifth mansion this year). But,
instead of doing that, they would rather take $8,000 from a person making
$40,000. It only takes simple logic and arithmetic to see that the latter
person has SIGNIFICANTLY less money left over after taxes than the former
person. I mean, what in hell do these people NEED with these hundreds of
millions of dollars, anyway?? They can better afford to part with some
than the latter person can... It all seems so obvious; and, I'm sure that
is precisely why our illustrious government hasn't yet figured it out...
Madonna and Michael Jackson
---------------------------
I've yet to see worse examples of so-called singers than these two
annoying, tuneless, brainless idiots. Neither one of them should even be
allowed to sing in the shower, let alone distribute albums. And, the sad
and ironic part is that many people actually like them. Why? Who knows;
my guess is mass stupidity, or at least tone deafness... There is nothing
worse than watching MTV or listening to the radio, and listening to a good
tune (which they do occasionally play on both MTV and some radio stations,
believe it or not), and then have a Madonna or Michael Jackson song come
on. I really hate that. It's almost as bad as having that stupid
Encyclopedia Britannica commercial come on... And, there is no real
solution to this one either, unfortunately, until everyone comes to their
senses and realizes that these two 'singers' suck (of course, I'm not
holding my breath while I wait for this to happen; after all, DISCO is
making a comeback, so I've pretty much lost ALL of my confidence in the
musical tastes of most Americans). So, for now, my temporary solution is
to change the channel/station, or just shut it off and put in a good tape,
like the Beatles, or the Who, or Metallica, or Guns 'n' Roses, or Nirvana,
or any of the other great bands that ARE out there in this vast musical
wasteland...
Environmentalists and Polluters
-------------------------------
Yes, BOTH sides suck (of course, by just being humans, they suck; but,
I'm analyzing their POSITIONS here, not their humanity). Those that
pollute the planet, and strip it of its resources for their own selfish
uses do indeed suck, as most people would agree. They are arrogant, self-
important little bastards, who think they and the rest of their species OWN
this planet, and can do anything they like to it. If it makes them a
little richer or something, then they don't care if it makes a few dozen
species extinct, or if it eventually results in the death of everyone on
the planet...
But, something most would NOT agree with me on is that most people who
call themselves environmentalists suck, too... How can I say that, you
ask? Very easily, I answer... Again, I draw from George Carlin's words of
wisdom, and much of the following will be paraphrased from him. The
environmentalists don't really care about the Earth; all they are concerned
with is that they have a nice place to live. Such shallow self-concern
doesn't impress me. Even they think of the Earth as merely a place for us
humans to live; they just want us to clean it up a bit so that we don't
have to live in filth (think of your mother telling you to clean your room;
she doesn't have you do that because she actually thinks the house would
prefer to be clean, she does it because she doesn't want such filth in HER
house for HER children to live in). Typical human arrogance... Plus, what
makes them think that we, one little insignificant biological species can
destroy a whole planet?? The Earth has been around a whole hell of a lot
longer than we have, and will be here long after we are gone. So, this
"Save the Earth" nonsense is pure crap. We can't even take care of
ourselves, and yet we expect to be able to save a whole damned PLANET?!?
Just think of the stuff the Earth has been through: ice ages, earthquakes,
volcanos, magnetic pole reversal, bombardment by asteroids, constant
exposure to solar radiation, etc., etc... And, we think some styrofoam
fast food containers are going to destroy the planet?? No, the planet is
going nowhere; WE are... Just one more failed species. No big loss,
either.
So, my solution is to be neither... Just respect the planet, out of
pure respect, not out of any self-serving goals. Treat it how you'd like
to be treated if you were the planet. The Native Americans had a good
philosophy in that respect. Recognize that we are NOT the only species
(or, even the most intelligent species, probably) on this planet. But, if
you want to pollute and abuse the planet, fine, go ahead; you won't do it
any harm, but rather will just hasten the end of our species, which I'm
sure will be a joyous occasion throughout the rest of the civilized
universe. I know I'm certainly looking forward to it, even though I
probably won't be around to witness it, unfortunately...
Macintoshes and Pepsi Cola
--------------------------
These are perhaps the two vilest commercial products on the market.
I'm not sure who is responsible for making these things so popular, but I'd
be willing to bet they are the same imbeciles responsible for the
popularity of Madonna and Michael Jackson... Macs are cheesy little
child's toys masquerading as computers, and Pepsi is over-sweetened camel
piss masquerading as a soda... And, while I can safely proclaim that the
Apple company itself sucks, I can not say that about the makers of Pepsi,
since their company also produces that marvelous, caffeine-packed product:
Mt. Dew. So, I must conclude that either they just screwed up when they
created Pepsi Cola, and kept producing it merely because the idiot populace
actually liked the vile substance, OR they just got lucky when they made
Mt. Dew... It's hard to say which... And, while I love Coca Cola
(Classic), I must say that whoever was responsible for the creation of this
New Coke, should be shot immediately. They take a wonderful soda, and try
to make it more like the carbonated camel piss called Pepsi. Why? What
were they thinking? I say that they weren't... But, fortunately, they
came back to their senses and brought back the original formula, and called
it Coke Classic. Now, they can sell to both markets: those who actually
have some sense of taste, and those who drink Pepsi-like liquids... As far
as solutions, this falls into the same category as the Madonna and Michael
Jackson problem...
Exercise Machinery
------------------
The StairMaster! The StepMaster! Treadmills! Stationary bicycles!
Rowing machines! Cross-country skiing machines! Have we really all lost
our minds?? I mean, what in the HELL is the logic behind blowing hundreds
of dollars on a machine that simulates GOING UP AND DOWN STAIRS?!? Here's
a unique idea: why not just go climb a few flights of REAL stairs?? It's a
hell of a lot cheaper, and as a bonus you actually GO somewhere, too...
The same holds for all of the other above-mentioned machines: just go do
the real thing! Geez, some people will buy anything... But, the absolute
WORST exercise 'machine' I saw advertised was a slick plastic mat which
came with a pair of fluffy slippers which you put on and then used them to
slide around on the mat... Is it just me, or does this sound suspiciously
like sliding on a freshly waxed floor in your socks? Why not just do THAT,
rather than send these money-hungry bastards $50 for this cheesy little mat
and slipper set?!? Why? Because, people are stupid... But, I never cease
to be amazed at their levels of stupidity... And, the only solution here
is for the populace buying these stupid machines to use their brains on
occasion. Then, they might actually go ride a REAL bike, or climb some
REAL stairs, instead of blowing hundreds of bucks on a machine to simulate
that activity... But, again, I doubt that this will happen; humans are
stupid...
Murderers, Rapists, Racists, and Idiots
---------------------------------------
I say that we should spend some money to make a life-supporting
colony on Mars or maybe the moon, and then send all of the murderers (who
UNJUSTLY murdered, of course), rapists, racists, and plain old idiots (hey,
now that I think about it, this would solve the Madonna/Michael Jackson
and Pepsi/Macintosh problems, too!) to live there... Never would we have
to be bothered by these degenerate low-lifes, again... And, we wouldn't
need to spend money on gaurding them (where are you going to escape to from
another planet??), or feeding them (let them grow their own food if they
want to eat)... So, the only cost would be in sending them to the colony
initially, and maybe maintaining the colony (repairs to the pressure system
or something once in a while; or, we could just let them learn how to do
the repairs themselves, which is a better idea, actually), and of course
the initial cost of creating the colony... But, that would still be quite
a savings over what is spent now on keeping murderers and rapists locked up
(unfortunately, it is not yet a crime to be a racist or idiot)... Or, if
we didn't have enough to build such a colony, then we could just skip the
"life-supporting" part, and let the bastards worry about how to breathe
on their own... Unfortunately, such a plan isn't likely to actually be
implemented, as our government is run by fools (amazingly stupid ones),
who prefer to spend as much as possible for as little as possible, and
would much rather put a criminal in jail where they can learn how to be
a better criminal, than to actually punish them in some way...
Lobsters
--------
No, I don't think lobsters themselves suck... I think the process
of how they are cooked sucks... They boil the poor sons of bitches ALIVE
in a pot of water! Geez, could we find some crueler way of cooking these
animals, perhaps? Maybe flame broil them alive? Or, hell, let's just
eat them raw and alive; rip those snapping claws right off, and bite in!
Christ, I knew humans were mean, lousy bastards, but this is cruel even
for them... How would YOU like to be boiled alive?? I think that's what
we should do to people who do cook lobsters like that... Don't get me
wrong; I have nothing against people killing animals to eat, but I just
think we should be a hell of a lot more humane about it... At least kill
the poor lobster before cooking it... Just think of the uproar there would
be if we made our steaks by throwing a live calf on a fire... Sure, the
animal-lovers would be upset about THAT, but apparently lobsters aren't as
important to them as cows... After all, lobsters aren't cute to look at,
and don't make any sort of sound, or even any facial expressions, so why
feel bad about killing them any way we want? Oh how I hate such self-serving
human attitudes... Of course, I know they'll never change, and lobsters will
likely continue to be boiled to death so people with money to blow can have
a gourmet dinner...
Conclusion
----------
Well, I've ranted and rambled on enough for this book, I guess...
Plus, my account disappears in 2 days from now, so I want to get this
distributed on the Net before I cease to be a Net-dweller...
So, as you can see, there are many things in life which really
suck... And, I know that my solutions would all work, if they were
ever implemented; but, I know they never will be... So, we are still
forced to live in life's suckiness, until we die... (Maybe they should
put that on a Hallmark card...) The only way that we could ever possibly
get out of life's suckiness is if we all smartened up and stopped acting
like brainless, self-centered, moronic schmucks; in other words, stopped
being humans... But, since the chances of that happening are slightly
worse than the chances of the Eiffel Tower spontaneously transforming into
a sewer rat, I'm not holding my breath while waiting for it to occur...
Until my next book, have a non-overly-sucky life... And, always
remember that Life Sucks; so, quit your whining, shut up, and learn to deal...