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Disclaimer (for posting to alt.beer and rec.food.drink.beer):
This is a parody on everybody's favorite post, MAKE.MONEY.FAST. This
post is in no way meant to be taken seriously. The author does not
advocate participation in the activities described herein and disclaims
all responsibility for anything that could possibly get him in
trouble.
Most of the names appearing on the list below were in a recent posting
of MAKE.MONEY.FAST. If these individuals do in fact exist, and they do
not appreciate their names and addresses being here, that's just too
bad -- you should have known better.
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Dear Friends,
My name is Dave Rhodes. In September 1988 my refrigerator was empty
and I was god-awful thirsty. But the only thing I had to quench my
thirst was a half-empty can of Meister Brau. The only escape I had
from the incredible dryness of my throat was my computer and modem. I
longed to turn my avocation into a way of acquiring beer cheaply and
easily.
This January 1989 my family and I went on a ten-day drinking spree. I
bought a Lincoln Town Car and paid with 1200 cases of Guinness. I am
currently building a home on the West Coast of Florida, with a private
pool (filled with beer), boat slip, and a beautiful view of the bay
from my breakfast room table and patio, all out of emptied beer
bottles. I will never have to go to the liquor store again. I have
recieved over 400,000 (Four hundred thousand) bottles of beer to date
and will have a million within 4 or 5 months. Anyone can do the same.
This beer-acquisition program works perfectly every time, 100% of the
time. I have NEVER failed to bring in 50,000 bottles of beer or more
whenever I wanted. Best of all, you never have to leave home except to
go to the mailbox, post office, or the outhouse (recall that phrase
about "renting" beer?).
In October 1988, I received a letter in the mail telling me how I could
obtain 50,000 bottles of beer or more whenever I wanted. I was
naturally very skeptical and threw the letter on the desk next to my
computer. It's funny, though, when you are desperate for a drink, faced
with an empty fridge, your mind does crazy things. I spent a frustrating
day trying to mooch beer off of friends and relatives. The pickings
were sparse at best. That night I tried to unwind by booting up my computer
and calling several bulletin boards. I read several of the message
posts and then glanced at the letter next to the computer. All at once
it came to me, I now had the key to my dreams.
I realized that with the power of the computer I could expand and
enhance this beer-acquisition formula into the most unbelievable
beer-flow generator that has ever been created. I substituted the
computer bulletin boards in place of the post office and electronically
did by computer what others were doing 100% by mail. Now only a few
letters are mailed manually. Most of the hard work is speedily downloaded
to other bulletin boards throughout the world. If you believe that
someday you deserve that large closet, nay, that garage and extra
outdoor storage shed full of beer that you have waited for all your
life, simply follow the easy instructions below. Your thirst will be
quenched.
Sincerely yours,
Dave Rhodes
INSTRUCTIONS
Follow these instructions EXACTLY, and in 20 to 60 days you will have
received well over 50,000 bottles of beer, all yours. This program has
remained successful because of the honesty and integrity of the participants.
Please continue its success by carefully adhering to the instructions.
Welcome to the world of beer distributing! This little business is a
little different than most beer distributors. You are not in the
business of supplying beer to dealers, but of sending out free samples
of beer to potential consumers. Many people are more than happy to
receive your free samples of beer.
1) Immediately mail one bottle of beer to the first 5 (five) names
listed below starting at number 1 through number 5. Send high-quality
beers only (those going for $8-10/6-pack, total investment $20.00 max
with postage). Enclose a note with each package stating: "Please try
this free sample with my compliments. If you find that you enjoy it,
look for it next time in your local liquor store or call the brewery
for the dealer nearest you." For other countries, try to send
high-quality domestic beers so that others may sample a wide range of
beers other than those available at home. Note that purchasing a full
6-pack results in one beer left over for you.-)
(This is a legitimate service, and you are providing the free sample
for each of these individuals.)
2) Remove the name that appears number 1 on the list. Move the other 9
names up one position. (Number 2 will become number 1 and number 3 will
become number 2, etc.) Place your name, address, and zip code in the number
10 position. With this action you are effectively saying, "Yes, I am
interested in receiving free samples of the beers you have to offer."
3) Post the new letter with your name in the number 10 position into 10
(ten) separate bulletin boards in the message base or to the file section,
call the file, GET.DRUNK.CHEAP.
4) Within 60 days you will receive over 50,000 bottles of beer. Keep
a copy of this file for yourself so that you can use it again and again
whenever you need beer. As soon as you mail out these letters you
become just another consumer and other beer "distributors" will begin
sending you "free trial samples". The list of people to whom you send
beer possibly may then be used to obtain advertising money from
breweries for income on a regular basis. This is a service. This is
perfectly legal. If you have any doubts, refer to Title 18, Sec. 1302
Paragraph 5, Sub-paragraph iii, Sentence 2, Words 5-7 of the beer
distributorship laws (quoted: "... it is legal ..."). In addition,
newly emptied bottles may be recycled or sold to homebrewers, providing
guaranteed regular income as a side effect of the program.
Note: Make sure you retain EVERY name and address you send beer to,
either on computer or hard copy. This is PROOF that you are truly
a beer distributor and should the IRS or some other government agency,
the breweries, your family, or the drunken bum down the street question
you, you can provide them with this proof! Also, keep the notes
received with each bottle of beer in order to prove that they were in
fact free samples shipped to you by distributors.
Remember, as each post is downloaded and the instructions carefully
followed, five members will be sent a bottle of beer as a "free
trial sample." Your name will move up the list geometrically so
that when your name reaches the number 5 position, you will be receiving
thousands of bottles of beer.
1. Steven J. Cambria
203 Oakvale Blvd.
Kenmore, NY 14223
2. Fredick Dihlman
Box 388
St. Bonaventure Univ.
St. Bonaventure, NY 14778
3. Dennis Le
8142 19th Street
Westminster, CA 92683
4. Toni Mason
2405A Landmark
Raleigh, NC 27607
5. Kalen Schulteis
Box 1622
5500 Wabash Ave.
Terre Haute, IN 47803
6. Anthony M. Mazzola III
C.P.U. 171
300 Grace Watson Circle
Rochester, NY 14623
7. Brian Lipman
1820 Chicago #3002
Evanston, IL 60201
8. Hong Yang
99 S. Rock Hampton Dr.
Madison, AL 35758
9.Paul DeFranco
222 Melwood Ave.
APT. 406
Pittsburgh, PA 15213
10.Tipsy Guzzler
123 4th street
Belch, XX 56789
The following letters were written by participating
members in this program.
To Whom It May Concern:
About six months ago I received the enclosed post in letter form. I
ignored it. I received about five more of the same letters within the
next two weeks. I ignored them also. Of course, I was tempted to
follow through and dreamed of receiving thousands of beers, but I was
convinced it was just another gimmick and could not possibly work. I
was wrong! About three weeks later I saw this same letter posted on a
local bulletin board in Montreal. I liked the idea of giving it a try
with my computer. I didn't expect much because, I figured, if other
people were as skeptical as I, they wouldn't be too quick to part with
five bottles of beer. But, I am reduced to buying Old Style one can at
a time and have nothing to show for it but empty cans and beer stains
on the carpet. This week I decided to risk delaying rent payment for a
couple of weeks in order to take advantage of this tremendous
opportunity. I addressed the packages and mailed out one bottle in
each as directed. Two weeks went by and I rolled around and I couldn't
believe what happened! I can't say I received 50,000 bottles of beer
but it was definitely well over 35,000! For the first time in ten
years, I got WAAAAY drunk off my ass on really good beer! It was
great. Of course, it didn't take me long to drink all of the beer, so
I am using this excellent beer-acquisition opportunity once again.
Follow the instructions and get ready to drink!
Please send a copy of this note along with the enclosed letter so
together we can convince people who are skeptical that it really
works!
Good Luck,
Charles Kust
St. Agathe, Que.
Another letter:
I tried a similar program in which a 6-pack was sent to each person. In
that on the return was about 3%. Since I did not have a modem, I sent
out letters regular mail. I created a few mailing labels and printed
out all of the labels on pressure sensitive tape. The first mailing
that I used the one-bottle-per-person approach I started to get return
packages in just over one week! I sent out 200 letters instead of 100 that
is required if you use the mail instead of the bulletin boards.
Additionally, I included as many friends, relatives, classmates, that I
could think of in order to encourage their participation if they
happened to recognize my name, so my percentage of gain was higher. I
am trying again with 500 letters to see if I surpass the 141,000 bottles
of the last time. You just won't believe it until you try.
Best Wishes,
Mark Garner
Dallas, TX
Additional Notes:
This system works equally well if mailed out manually. Mind you it
takes more effort to hand address the envelopes and the cost goes up
proportionately to cover the postage and envelopes. You must also
photocopy the instructions, cross out the name in the number 1
position, write in your name in the number 10 slot and change the rest
of the numbers accordingly. (It might be neater to use white out or
paste over the names.) In order to achieve the same results you must
send out the bottle of beer to the first five names and then send out
another 100 letters with copies of the program enclosed. It has been
suggested not to put a return address on the outside of the envelope in
order to encourage the recipient to open it. The return will
approximate that then received from the posts listed on the bulletin
boards.
Another note:
Hello, my name is Steve Prester. As you may have noticed I'm the tenth
name on this list, so I do not have a thirsty-to-drunken story to tell
here. However, I did make a phone call to the 2nd name on this list,
Ernest Goyette. Did he have a thirsty-to-drunken story to tell? Not
exactly, but then I found out that he did not follow the instructions
precisely. You see, Ernest lost faith in the program before he had
finished following instructions. He only uploaded this file on one
BBS, which happens to be operated by Darryl McGinnis, the 3rd name on
this list. Ernest told me that he has received 92 beers to date
(1/6/90). I realize this is far from the 50,000 promised at the first
of this file, yet one must keep two things in mind:
1. 92 bottles is almost 20 times his initial investment, and it only
took about an hour of his time (there's nothing to lose).
2. This program works mathematically on an exponential scale. In other
words, for every one BBS that this file is uploaded onto, it should
spread to at least ten other BBSs and possibly a whole lot more. So,
if Ernest had uploaded his file on all ten BBSs, he should have at
least gotten a hundred-fold of what he has, which would be 9,200
bottles. Not bad for a few hours work and a $20 investment (including
postage).
Finally, I would like to exhort those who become involved in this
program to maintain its integrity by being honest. It is the only way
that it can possibly pay off. In other words, be sure to enter your
name at the bottom of the list and not in one of the top 5 positions
(actually this would be robbing yourself since it is while your name is
in the lower positions that it gets multiplied exponentially over
hundreds of BBSs). And, of course, send your bottles of beer off to the
first five names. As I write this I have not received a drop (that's
because I have not uploaded this yet), but I thought you might like to
hear from someone at the bottom of the list, instead of someone
claiming thirsty-to-drunkenness. I hope such is true, and I'm sure it
will be if we all stick with it. The potential is definitely there!
P.S. Call me if you get drunk.
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