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Tomorrow will be the year anniversary of the first post I made to Gemini:
I've reread it a few times since posting it and each time I felt less and less connected to it, feeling less and less that the person who wrote it was the person I currently am. I still empathize with the author, but I disagree with his framing of things. Of course a good number of our points of disagreement just came from experience, which I can't really blame him for not knowing.
The fundamental disagreement we have is the attribution of the feelings of loneliness. He points to the source of his loneliness coming from lacking a romantic partner, but I believe what he needed was just more human interaction. Lines like: "After all, it's not like I'm really meeting anyone my age in real life" and "They know you're at a weak point, desperately yearning for the chance of even brief conversation so you don't feel alone for that brief moment", really point to general loneliness. I say this because, despite still lacking a romantic partner, these strong hunger pangs for human connection have pretty much completely stopped.
I've all but stopped using the apps now, probably no more than twice a day do I check them, with days in between where I don't. Working at the store has satisfied a lot of that human interaction I craved, even when it's just simple pleasantries with our customers, it scratches that itch I so desperately needed to be scratched. Also hanging out with Roomie's friends has helped, actually being with people my age besides Roomie or his girlfriend.
I've come to realize that many of the things I described are just part of the game of online dating. Being left without a response is par for the course, along with unprompted unmatching. I've even done it myself a few times. Each time it would happen to me I would feel so hurt, thinking "why couldn't they have just let me down easy with a simple no", but after some time I've realized how much worse that would feel. Likewise it's not easy to say no to someone. Some time after June of last year I stopped getting completely infatuated with each person I matched with, and after those dates with Jade in August, I've stopped liking anyone I've matched with all together. Sure there will be aspects that I may find attractive, either in their appearance or something interesting in their bio, but I come at them with a neutral attitude, looking for things to be weary of, not solely aspects to admire.
Still I don't really regret using the apps when I did, sure I wasted a good bit of money, but it taught me a lot about human interaction. After a certain point I realized my approach wouldn't work and so I would tweak it, seeing which got a better response, it taught me how to keep a conversation going that didn't involve incessant questions. It was just a good place to practice. Now I find myself feeling far less embarrassed and far more confident in real life, I'm enjoying talking with strangers and giving people compliments. I feel more ok, not thrilled but not holding back tears, being the center of attention. Not to mention it's been a good source of motivation for staying active.
Yet I'd be lying if I said I didn't still yearn for a romantic partner. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't just as powerful today as it was then. It's made media involving love hard to enjoy. In my film class we watched Koda, a surprisingly sexual, but beautiful movie about a deaf family and their hearing daughter. In it there is a sub-plot where the main character has a relationship with this boy. In the scene where they share their first kiss together, I felt the tears well up behind my eyes and looked away, feeling my stomach turn knots. Every time I saw them it hurt a little bit. I knew it was stupid to be brought to such pain just by a short section of the overall movie, but nevertheless I couldn't tamp it down. On the walk home that night I listened to Chet Baker's "I Fall In Love Too Easily" and felt it in every sinew of my body.
I've determined if I'm to find love any time soon, it's most likely not going to be from one of these apps, but if there is a chance, it doesn't hurt to try. That's why I'm still on Hinge, and to a far lesser extent Tinder. Now that I'm able to, I want to go to bars and socialize, maybe I can meet someone there. Though I'm really just holding out hope for university, when I'm there in August. I feel like the more connected atmosphere there, in comparison to the community college, will let me meet more people, and hopefully someone I will find interesting and beautiful.
I'm just happy I'm (mostly) happy now, in comparison to last year.