💾 Archived View for bluet.flounder.online › november.gmi captured on 2023-11-14 at 07:30:08. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
⬅️ Previous capture (2023-11-04)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
11132023. hello flounder
the update on my larynx is that the botox dose was too high this time so whereas my vocal folds are normally prone to slamming shut without warning, they are now paralyzed to the point of not being able to close or constrict properly, this has created a breathy and limited voice, limited in both volume and range, which A is calling my "NPR voice"
when the botox starts to break down there should be a period of a couple months where i have a good voice
animals people have said i would be if i was animal
today was a good day, even in its breathy and weak state my voice is less anxiety-inducing to use now than it is in its normal spasmodic state, i'm not sure that would make sense to anyone, since breathy voice is more concerning and sounds more like sickness/unwellness than choppy voice does, to most people
the one really cruel thing is that this dose of botox has made singing impossible, and in general will always make singing harder, so i kind of have to pick one, singing or speaking, and i have to pick speaking. boooooo
or or or
i run out of money to do this and just deal
seeing B later. hope he is prepared to make up for my lack of speech. he usually isn't
got a smiley sticker for doing something good
[] stopped by and chatted, that was nice. his sign-off: "text me"
when i have time i am going to come back to make a list of interesting sign-offs i have received
11122023. starting this day off right (breakfast and flounder and hot beverage)
well a lot happened while i was away. there is someone here who calls me his girlfriend now (sometimes squirrelfriend sometimes "little lady" because he possesses an old school country kind of vocabulary)
i met him in april at an event i hosted at [work] though "met" is a strong word i really just watched him perform. his set was actually a rare moment of peace that night, my brain was everywhere trying to read the room, scanning for unhappy attendees, keeping time etc. but his voice was so surprising, so deep and warm and stable especially for someone who seemed so shy that i think everyone stopped mid brain activity to listen. that was april, relationship-wise for me it was between D and G, my heart was still with D, i don't remember thinking anything watching him perform other than wow, amazing. i don't even think i thought "he's cute," which he is, but my woman brain was not engaged
i didn't see him again or think about him until september, we were in the same room by chance and he recognized me from april. i hadn't spotted him, i was being alone with my book. i wasn't having a good time that night but decided to stick around when [] who i will now grant the flounder initial B sat down with me
we said bye in the parking lot, he patted me on the shoulder, honestly it was kind of a shove, lol. which is consistent with how i have come to understand his way of physical touch. his choices are interesting, familial, kind of awkward...sometimes when he pulls me to him, like if we're on a bench or something, it feels less like a ~move~ and more like he is trying to ground himself, like when he takes my hand and kind of just plays with it. he is slow to settle, needs to be holding or worrying something, otherwise he may float away. that's why his thumbs have all these crazy hangnails
i came on here to make a to do list
when i have time i will return to tell you about my chaotic laryngeal botox injection
11082023. good morning flounder
feeling better today
why?
a caller just signed off with "i appreciate all your help. you sound like you're sick so i don't want to make you talk too much. you have a good day"
sigh
i don't remember what it feels like to not be obsessing over my vocal health
need to get into a book before i start to unhinge again.....i thought it was going to be amy key arrangements in blue but it's not the right kind of blue book for me....
brb gonna do a round
11072023. good morning flounder
sometimes i get hangxiety sometimes i get hanghappiness
last night was big, i took it all calmly, but with the awareness that what was happening was crazy for the plot. no thoughts yet. is this a normal way to experience life
fyi i think what happened is good
i miss my sister
the day someone checks the cameras to see how much i'm on my phone it's over
just now i learned that researchers somewhere are studying sodium oxybate as a potential treatment for spasmodic dysphonia. sodium oxybate which is GHB which is a "club drug" which is a nervous system depressant. which is currently only prescribed to treat symptoms of narcolepsy and in some countries, alcohol withdrawal
11062023. good morning flounder
i had a stressful night and things are a little touch and go this morning
came home with several self-diagnoses and A methodically debunked all of them, phew
that wasn't the stressful thing though
using a lot of eye drops, never a good sign
despite everything i still feel like i'm "in a good mood"
how do i know that?
i guess because i don't feel like i'm about to cry, or like i want to hide from people
A suggested making a vision board to remind myself wtf i'm doing here (grad school)
the last time i made a "vision board" i was maybe in the seventh grade and it was for health class. i wish i knew what was on it. i remember enjoying the project. what could i have envisioned?? it probably just looked like my tumblr feed
it's crazy how easy it is to not do work at your job. not all can relate
idk what to sing tonight! i was going to play [song] for [person] but they can't make it :(
11052023. good morning flounder
i have been awake for two hours and haven't had a bad mood yet yeyuh
crazy how much better i feel when i have breakfast and wear makeup
today costar tells me to "be a blank slate"
day 1 of wearing my little "i have a voice disorder" pin at work. just curious to see if it helps. idk
stayed up late talking to [], he suddenly had a lot to say. i wish this happened more. by talking i mean texting and by say i mean share
A returns today. this may be the first A-less weekend during which i did not initiate, escalate, or terminate a relationship
11042023. good morning flounder
november challenge day 4
btw the challenge is to survive without majorly disappointing myself or others
finally checked into the discussion about group assignment. i am so sorry groupmates. need to get all that in tonight because tomorrow i will have another deadline to worry about
finished a song last night
today costar asks me "why are you in such a hurry?" and yesterday, "have you ever counted how many intense relationships you are in?" the answer is all of them. relating to people is extremely intense
A is out of town again. before he left he reminded me to "keep it chill"
i had a hardcore october, trying to have a soft november. i feel like last night was a win for soft november because i declined an invitation and made a meal. in hardcore october i would have accepted the invitation and skipped the meal
my forehead is being creative again
thinking about the time i greeted a coworker in the morning and then worked with him later in the evening. he looked at me and said "woah. i didn't think you were wearing white." and i was like "i am." and he was like did i see you earlier? and i was like yes, i was wearing the same thing. we have the best conversations
i thought of this because i am wearing the same white shirt today. no one will ever say anything as interesting about it as he did
having a high anxiety day which means having a difficult voice day. having thoughts like "am i a good person" "am i ever being myself" which is outside my usual scope
11032023. hello flounder november challenge day 3
actually brb gonna finish an email
finished the email
i saw [] last night for the first time in a while, he was waiting on the porch, and met me at my car door, don't remember anyone ever being so excited to see me
confused to report that i find him completely precious
hanging out with him there is an effect like a weighted blanket over my brain, he is the antidote to something
[april-june bae] had an effect like...idk...like a shock to the system. being around him was disorienting. sometimes really fun!! tearful laughter was normal
[july-august mistake] had an effect like...idk...being around him wiped me out...afterwards i would feel like i survived something...it was kind of like hanging out with myself...laughter was not normal
[october-current surprise] makes me think of something [old friend] said in an email once, about his new relationship:
To update you, [] (tiny poem) and I have been getting along for about 6 months now. The going has been as the tiny poem was--wholesome. Far more wholesome and kind a place than I ever thought I'd be allowed to inhabit.
does everyone know about google's emoji fusion feature??? this is going to change my communication game
11022023. good morning flounder
dark circles spooked me in the mirror today. i checked with A, he said i look like i got punched. applied makeup, so i look less punched but equally unsettling. [] stopped replying last night in the middle of making plans
finding everything pretty difficult!
alioop "four months" made me smile today, i especially like the part where she fake coughs for attention. i love how expressive she is, baby babbles are so cool
book titles that are stuck in my head
if i were the ocean, i'd carry you home
drunk on all your strange new words
thinking about song titles that are sentences
love me in whatever way
leave me (like you found me)
the sun is in your eyes
someday we'll all be free
(you're a fish and i'm a) water sign
sometimes i ignore you too
i was sad last night i'm ok now
don't miss it
are you in love?
you're too precious
i love you more than you'll ever know
do what you gotta do
i just called to say i love you
how can you mend a broken heart
how deep is your love
how much can a heart take
you needed love, i needed you
11012023. good morning flounder
back at work, feeling ok about it
happy november
gonna try to be a more present employee this month. lol
will also try
brb time to read my alice sparkly kat horoscope
Questions for Cancer for November 2023:
What type of work makes you believe in the world a little better?
Is there work that shuts off possibility for you?
What work feels too normal for it to matter to you?
ew
danced for a while to the new troye sivan yesterday, "something to give each other." i love when pop music is good
things i did in quarantine