💾 Archived View for gemlog.blue › users › Blackwood › 1678740435.gmi captured on 2023-11-04 at 15:46:25. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
⬅️ Previous capture (2023-03-20)
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3-13-2023 (b1)
This is my first text post here. I am not doing well. Neither is (b0). We are both tired and upset and frankly we wish everything would just stop. The unending march of capitalism is killing, maiming, and torturing people we know and love and everything just feels so futile. I've been trying to focus on reading and projects and just being busy in general and it is not working at. The moment I step away from what I am doing even for a second it all washes over me like a fucking wave and I have to take a minute to go and cry. Been trying to keep the both of us a float but we both feel like we are sinking.
Copious amounts of weed provide a short term escape. Having music always playing in the background dampens the intrusive thoughts but it is all getting to be too much. Things might be a little better if we were remotely financially stable but (b0) has yet to start her teaching and I've been struggling to find more contract work. On top of all this both of us have been having increasingly serious health issues that we just don't have the money to deal with.
I just want it to stop. I just want the people I love to be safe and happy. Why is this too much to ask. Why.
FUCK I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF.
It sucks that the main thing we've been posting here is just depressing rants. I wish things were better I wish we could just happily work on our projects and help our friends and live our lives but we can't. Even when I have some time to work on stuff I just feel ashamed that I'm not helping someone else. That I'm not making things better. That I shouldn't be able to just sit here and read my book. And then I can't I just go and sit with (b0) and I cry. I hate this and I hate myself and I wish the world wasn't like this.
Even the things that used to bring me comfort just make me upset and sad.
Maybe I'll just take a soon to be illegal edible, thanks DEA bastards <3, and go hang with (b0) for a little while.