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One of my first posts this year was a reaction I had in response to this project of bringing my blogging efforts into the geminispace; after reviewing a few of my earlier posts, I had come to the conclusion that I was fairly mean, ugly, and hateful. Well, at this exact moment in time, I feel that I can say that I still am--to an extent--and that after even further review of my older writings, a lot of it has to do with life experiences. See, while I was continuing to work on this silly project, I lucked out, I guess, and managed to discover a few posts that were even older than those I knew I had a copy of--thank you Internet Archive!
I managed to find a partial archive of a blog I attempted to keep circa 2004 on "blogdrive". While some of those posts do have a touch of my snarky-ness, it was a lot milder, actually, when compared to things written in 2007--the earliest I still had a personal archive of. So, looking back at that, I felt an odd little feeling of--I don't know--relief? It was a little odd, yet somehow refreshing to see that I wasn't as negative as I had become. I just struggle now with the notion that so much of my life had been changed in such a negative way to have turned me into such an angry ass.
Fortunately, I can say that the bulk of those times are well behind me, and that the only thing I have to deal with these days are the unpleasant residuals that live on inside of me and the occasional torment of associated memories. But still, I do see that damage has been done, and I wonder if I will ever fully recover and become closer to the person I once had been prior to my first marriage. I know that I won't be able to get very close to being that person again; I mean, I can't, as too many other experiences have happened since to sour some of my opinions of humanity. Those different experiences--though removed from the primary situation causing my attitude shift--ended up existing during and following those uglier times in my life, so they hit harder with differing vibrations than they would have had I been my less- or un-tainted self.
So, I don't know. I'm slightly lost and bewildered, and yet feeling slightly better about myself at the same time, now knowing for myself that, yes, I once was a different person.
I'm still an ass--and I still have quite a few negative feelings about people in general. But I'm definitely not the same person I was in 2007, and I'm not the person I had been in early 2004. I wonder if there's any chance that I could find anything written of any worth or meaning in 2003 or earlier--I think I would like to try and know myself of that time period once more.
On another related note, I would like to try and explore a little more on what I've experienced with my dealings with other people outside of my personal relationships--rehash just a few of the things I've experienced with the public at large. I think I need to see hat it is about people that I truly dislike, and see what there is for me to do to love and trust my fellow man again, if it's even possible.
I don't know.
Thanks for reading;
--J
Tags: #gemini_crosspost
[…] “Reflection” was originally published on J. Palmer […]