💾 Archived View for tilde.team › ~bh › gemlog › 011_2022-06-11.gmi captured on 2023-11-04 at 12:12:10. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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I feel like I can be very excited with the plan, but when it comes to the actual execution, I can't help but feel everything is meaningless, even the plan, and don't want to do anything anymore.
And then I tried to convince myself that after I get this shit done, I can do whatever fascinating to me. And in the best scenario, eventually I get the shit done, then the fascinating thing I thought i can do after that is not fascinating anymore. It then returns to the above situation.
I realized people, including me, develop ambient awareness because we want to make sure of the situation, we want to maximize the feeling of rewarding of our decisions and tasks based on the most recent situation.
The thing is, the fluctuation of updated situation does not coordinate the right situation for our urgent task most of the time. In another word, we cannot wait for the right situation to come. We must decouple the current mood with the job that has to be done.
But that's only half of the story. The other half is that I feel abandoned when I do something unrelated to the ambient awareness. One thing that is working indeed is the different nuances of actions of people on the same situation. But other than that, if I choose to live in my own timeline, then I will have a completely different situation, and the resulting feeling is that my action does not matter whatsoever.
I tried to show people my true self, but they hate it. and I learn to adapt, I learn to use the newest situation as the reference to treat people. From the inside, I am a lonely soul, I do not dare to invite anyone to my crazy inner world, and gradually I am forgetting it in favor of a current situation. When I start reflecting myself with the common situation, I know I've already lost.