š¾ Archived View for punkreflex.flounder.online āŗ fleeting.gmi captured on 2023-11-04 at 11:08:25. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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11.3 7:10a
living an introvert's nightmare. have had something going on every day after work recently and im overwhelmed. i want to start talking less just to give myself a little break. i overcompensate for other people's awkwardness by being a chatterbox and it's hard to turn that off.
my ex made a pass at me while we were camping in arkansas with all our friends and i said "what about your girlfriend" and he said "you know it's hard for me to connect with people" wtfff
so now i feel like i have a moral dilemma on my hands bc i would want to know if my partner was speaking like that about me? but i also dont want to get involved. he said he thought my boyfriend of two years was only to make him jealous. so i don't want me stepping in to be interpreted as making a play bc i want him to leave me alone. this has been making me grumpy all week
and not to be a downer but one of my work besties is applying for a wfh
in our company. we're a threesome and i cant imagine work without her, it just won't be the same and im grappling with that. i feel like i've been cheating life by having fun roommates and good friends at work, but it feels like that's coming to an end. i always feel like that fb post that's like "only 6-8 weeks left" and someone comments "until what?" and he says i don't know. that's exactly how i've felt since moving to st louis, like everything is so good but just around the corner it will change. so im trying to not internalize that this is the start of everything going wrong bc it absolutely is not. im gonna go learn to knit tonight in creve coeur and all will be well.
excited for the house show tomorrow
10.23 5:08p
staying late at work so i can go right to dinner with my family in the suburbs. i wanted to go to milque toast yesterday but couldn't make myself leave the house. that's been happening more recently, i will repost an insta story for an event and then not show up. i couldn't get myself to shower either so i fell asleep on the couch reading series of unfortunate events (reptile room) and took myself to bed at 10:15. allowing myself to act depressed for this week only because im camping with my college frisbee friend group this weekend in arkansas and i need to get all my angst out now.
10.20 7:23a
can't stop thinking about evilswampmonster's poem. so good.
went to washu to play ultimate frisbee and it was good. the campus is really full, everyone's out and about. it makes me so jealous that i didn't go there. i think my life would be very different in a bad way if i didn't go to Truman, but i still feel sore about this kinda
10.12 10:15p
dropped my phone in the parking lot of kirksville Caseyās and now my bluetooth is skipping in my car and on speakers š might finally have to get a new phone. or swap it for another SE. would that be crazy?
9.27 7:14a
work has been so vibeless recently. or maybe it's mostly me. instead of going on a walk when i get home i've been rotting in bed. hoping that it's a momentary moodiness. to try to feel better last night i cleaned my room, vacuumed the house, did an everything shower, and finished reading the DFW essay A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again. Didn't want it to be over because it's so freaking good. I wish he made it a full book instead of a 100 page essay, I want to live in that world
9.26 8:44a
girl with fish is my album of the year i think
9.12
having a weird coworker situation. i think i am emotionally attached to my workplace in a very real way bc some of my best friends are there and i do the same task every single day which iām good at, so iām addicted to the consistency. iām having trouble not developing intense interpersonal relationships with these people because it feels dangerous to be so wrapped up in it. but what can you do when you see someone every day for the majority of your week? thatās something i didnāt expect when i entered the job market. i wonder if i am just the sort of person who these kinds of things happen to. people have been telling me that i have horse girl energy, but that that label doesnāt feel right. i think itās my intensity, we are similar natured. fine by me
9.5 10:46p
does anyone know any good college radio stations to stream? listening to a good one on KXSC right now. country is the new wave, which surprises & delights me!
asked my coworkers to go out on friday to celebrate someoneās last day at work and everyoneās being shy about it but i canāt tell why. thought we were cool like that so idk. played in the front yard/neighborhood park with noelle after work to shake it off. we threw the frisbee and shot hoops sharing one basketball and now iām feeling normal again
9.4 2:23p
thinking about how ztbd was asked (/begged) to go to burning man this year and said no. and now thereās biblical misfortunes happening there. ztbd im glad youāre safe from the flesh eating shrimp
my new roommate is good and her cat is much much sweeter now than he was so my worries were for nothing :)
7.29 2:13p
moving tomorrow! packing today. would love to be doing Anything Else
7.17 4:58p
pardoner show got cancelled :( or at least pardoner is not showing up. so i will be taking a bath tonight!
6.13 11:53p
i did ultimate frisbee in college for social reasons and now iām doing a rec league on tuesdays and i realized today i am still only doing it for social reasons. that field has probably never seen such a miserable lady. i get such unbearable anxiety for this one game every week which does not matter at all. why
except today the russian kidās mom said she would give the team $300 per win for the season. at the end we total it all and split it. we did not win because we were playing 40 year old men who might be professionals. everything i say re: frisbee is pathetic so iām gonna stop
im gonna work on my 1000 piece puzzle tomorrow after work and iām very excited about it :)
bit sad about ted kaczynski dying. the manifesto is good, everyone should read it
iām going to pitch a somewhat outlandish plan to my supervisor tomorrow about changing a couple peopleās state assignments so that i can have the one i want. i used to do all of florida but then i split it in half with this girl that i canāt stand. recently acquired iowa and i hate it so much that i canāt bring myself to do any of the work. im going to try to offload iowa onto my florida partner and reacquire the entirety of FL. itās the question of easy work but lots of it vs annoying, tedious work but not too much of it. my strength is the former. so wish me luck
6.1 10:45p
sorry i have been quiet! feel like i have nothing to say these days. my thoughts feel dull. i always get this way at the beginning of summer, it must be some sort of mental bloating from all the sun.
had a dream about carving on a skateboarding a couple weeks ago and iāve been desperate to find a board. was standing in the check out line at goodwill this week i said in my mind āhey guys can everyone pray that i find a skateboard soonā and then i spotted one behind the counter. so sick. it has cruiser wheels exactly like in my dreams which is weird but theyāre too heavy for me to do tricks. at least for right now
anyways. i have been sad on and off these days. 90% im going to sorority house show tomorrow. have been getting overwhelmed recently so i reserve the right to stay home.. but i want to see marble teeth and reggie pearl so bad!
5.19 11:37p
going to the experimental show tomorrow ft mere and zach, really excited about it. was explaining it to some people at work and they were intrigued
5.14 8:20pm
i know i am a superstitious person but ever since i bought this copy of american psycho in spokane everything has been bad. i listened to this podcast about bennington college, where donna tartt and bret easton ellis attended & where hampden college of the secret history is based off of. the host said she read american psycho and was so repulsed that she picked up the copy between her thumb and pointer finger and threw it in the garbage, not wanting it in her home. the night josh passed away i put the book on the balcony and iām letting it get rained on, destroyed beyond recognition. there are certain things you just need to do to feel better.
blake is doing better, it feels like he is back in his own body. for awhile it felt like he was miles away. i think waking up next to him on friday and both of us crying separately, him not wanting to be touched and me needing to practically seep into him, was one of the most difficult moments of my life.
not asking ādo you still like meā challenge
level: impossible
but now itās okay. weāve been splitting our time between both of our families. he met my grandparents for the first time this weekend. my grandma is a huge fan.
iām trying very hard not to develop separation anxiety. the mind does funny things when dealing with grief. iāve been trying to outthink tragedy, plotting how to make sure that nothing bad ever happens to him again. i find myself genuinely believing that i can figure it out sometimes. my strategy before was to be so well meaning that life feels bad about giving us a poor hand. but blake is a better, smarter person than me and he still got the full brunt of it. so that fucking sucks. he doesnāt even do these paranoid thought experiments, he just deals with it. watching him go through this was nightmarish. iāve never been so in love with anyone in my life. i donāt think anyone has ever been in love this much. my small little brain just canāt imagine that. itās nauseating, when you feel so full of love for someone and their whole world is collapsing.
happy mothers day
5.13 7:20pm
my friend died this week. he was blakeās roommate. putting aside my own grief to comfort blake has been a profound and humbling experience. probably wonāt be around much so if you donāt see me thatās why
5.5 8:47pm
still sick! the capillaries on my face have burst from throwing up, giving me red gorgeous freckles on my face. i want to look like this forever but if i feel like this tomorrow it will permanently throw off my vibe
4.27 9:32pm PDT
iām in freakin washington right now. went to work this morning but now iām in spokane. went to the cemetery and saw dozens of wild turkeys sitting in the giant pine trees and cried a little. itās been years since iāve been to a cemetery without seeing an animal. the older i get the more certain i am that God is real & has a sense of humor
4.19 7:32pm
i was under the impression that my coworker was fired last week until she was seen online editing my spreadsheet today?! according to the version history, sheās been getting on every day of the work week. i have no idea what sheās doing because the job is entirely paperwork and is impossible to do from home. i attempted to communicate by writing messages in the cells, to no avail. felt eerie, like i was trying to speak to someone in another realm. no one will say what happened to her, the last time i saw her she was running out of the office crying
4.19 8:25am
birthday was monday! first time in several years that i havenāt cried. the trick is to not put so much pressure on it. i went to work and had dinner with my family and talked on the phone at night. it was a pleasant day and that was enough
4.16 8:58 pm
ones to watch: funkengine is 3/3 with album recommendations
4.16 2:03am
my nightmare blunt rotation came true tonight but i still had fun. which points to the fact that i stay winning
4.15 3:16pm
one of the rats iām petsitting for died before i got there today. it occurred to me as i put her body in the freezer that this is the first time iāve smelled death. i went to the mbg for free this morning and i walked around feeling like i needed to cry. it started pouring rain and i read my book in a little hut until it stopped. then i walked around Shaw feeling inexplicably bad. when i called Erin to tell her that Phoebe had died, i admitted to her that i knew that something like this was going to happen today. she said she did too.