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I am writing this post about and mostly for cis people who date trans people. Specifically, cis lesbians dating trans women. It is fairly blunt and features some elements about sex, gender or genitalia.
I think many lesbians know the uncomfortable discussions you sometimes have to have about your sexuality. The times when people imply that you are just a lesbian because you haven't found the right man yet, or that their magic dick can turn you straight. Some people think it is appropriate to bring up to you that if you are having sex with a strapon dildo (assumption based on their porn consumption), why not date a man instead?
You'd think this wouldn't happen anymore, but a man hit me up on the street a few months ago and told me this nonsense too.
Dating a trans woman certainly puts some additional excitement into this phenomenon, since it causes some intense mental gymnastics and cognitive dissonance in these people.
Because wait - that's a man to them! So you as a lesbian have the magic dick now? And still choose to identify as a lesbian? And you would rather date an "effeminate freak" and not their manly manlihood? That's weird and wrong! How can you like dick and still be so unattainable?!
Aside from the fact that immediately thinking of, assuming, and debating someone's genitals or genital preferences is weird as all hell, now the mental cogwheels are turning in the person who just cherrypicks whatever is currently aiding their agenda. The agenda being "I know what you REALLY are - I get to decide."
If you are a woman dating a feminine man, you might have gotten or at least witnessed all these comments like "If your man is like this, you don't have a man, you have a girlfriend." or "If you like men like this, why not just date women?" and people implying you're secretly a lesbian or must have not realized that yet. Your boyfriend might even get misgendered on purpose to insult him, because girl is the biggest insult men can throw at each other, I guess.
Now if this feminine "man" changes name and pronouns, is now referred to as girlfriend and wife, and possibly even starts HRT, people suddenly flip the script. If you happen to date this person now, that's really just a man in their eyes - which means lesbians who date them secretly like men, you are secretly just bisexual.
So, dear reader, what the fuck? Schrödinger's partner gender that is both just a woman because they perform masculinity shitty, and just a man in a dress. This is the same person, not much has changed materially, but the opinions sure have.
If it was really about concern or definitions, it wouldn't be like this. The goal is not to uncover some truth or make you realize things. It is just about always insisting it is the opposite of what you say, with zero logical thought behind it. It is being the devil's advocate and a contrarian little asshole to remind people they are not performing gender "correctly" and never will, no matter what they do, at all costs. They'll call you a girl and a faggot your entire life, you turn out to be a trans lesbian, oops - now they'll call you a man. There is no objective truth, it's just what insults you the most. When they think you connect emotionally to masculinity, they'll hit there, and if they think you connect emotionally to femininity, they'll hit there instead.
So.
Realize that no matter what you or your partner say, people will find fault in it somewhere and just flip their script. Realize that you can't win, and be free. They never have your best interest in mind and you don't have to run your life by them.
These are the same people who think that introducing a bearded, masculine, deep voice, passing trans man as your girlfriend is the most sensible thing to do because he may have or had a vagina. Do these people ever really go outside, where office parties and neighborhood barbecues happen? Just imagine doing that. Pretending that this is somehow the superior and factually correct approach boggles my mind. You know everyone expects a person with usually long hair, boobs, feminine clothing, higher pitched voice and potentially makeup to show up if you introduce someone as your girlfriend. How do these gender roles and expectations TERFs love to complain about suddenly not exist in this scenario?
Similarly it would be completely absurd to introduce most trans women as boyfriends in any way without some intense confusion of everyone involved.
When anyone thinks that bisexual (when they use it as meaning "dating men and women") is the most fitting term for someone dating cis and trans women alike, I'm just wondering; what man would..
.. to date me or even be attractive to me? Because you have to do this or I don't want you.
And how much does all that still have to do with manhood, manliness, the terms husband and boyfriend in the majority of our society as it is nowadays? Is it really bisexual, or not skewing to one side a lot? I cannot imagine that the majority of straight women would be down with a "man" like this, just because this person might have a penis.
Come on now, can they be serious? It is a joke to me that this, in any way, is supposed to be the "opposite sex" I am attracted to, which is a term that is awful anyway. Most, if not all cis men would feel dysphoric and awful doing all this together, and the people I want to date who are doing all this have nothing in common with the idea of a man. It is disingenuous to imply that bisexuality is in any way accurate in this scenario because it would imply that anyone else than what we know as women have a chance.
"Bisexual because you're attracted to both genitals" doesn't make any sense either. I am not attracted to genitals, I am attracted to what is around it. And what would this approach even mean for intersex people, or post-op trans people? If anyone is truly supporting the point that sex with a phallic shape means anything, they're firmly on the side of the creepy men who think strapon sex or even just finger penetration means lesbians want men. No one can tell me this is the sensible side to be on.
They screech sometimes about how that's just external hormones and nothing else. People saying that are inconsistent and don't know what they truly stand behind. Okay then, you wanna shit on women who take contraceptives too? You wanna shit on me for having PCOS and having to take cypro during my teen years to avoid masculinization and develop in line with my gender? Am I not a real cis woman now for elevated androgen levels I have to manage through external means? Are the women supplementing external hormones because of menopause or hysterectomy not real women anymore?
I don't give a fuck about chromosomes. The implications of chromosomes mattering in sexual orientation would mean we'd all have to test them for potential partners to "be sure" they have the correct ones to match, which is insane - this is not how attraction works. And how is that supposed to end when something unexpected comes out - now you're not a real woman or man anymore despite living as that all your life? Now your queer or straight partner can't identify as that anymore? It is absurd.
I don't know mine and likely never will. I can assume the ones of others, but I could be wrong and why would I. Chromosomes don't spoon me at night, chromosomes don't make me soup when I am sick, chromosomes don't pick me up from work when I feel like shit, I don't tickle chromosomes and laugh, I don't dance in the kitchen with chromosomes, I am not marrying chromosomes. I do this with people.
Don't give these ghouls who see people as walking genitals with chromosomes an inch. We know what we are and who we love. Take pride in the fact that your existence makes their little constructs collapse.
𓇽 ° . ༻ 𓈒 ꒪ ๋ ° .𓏲⠀ ๋࣭ ♡ ͘ ࣭⠀⸰ ⋆ ֗ ִ ᨒ .⋆ﾟ. ͘ ࣭⠀⸰ ♡ 𓂂 ◌ 𓇽 ° . ๋ 𓂂 ⠀✼ 𓇽